Sunday, February 12, 2006

New rules for the season
New rule, "Valentine's day sex" is an urban legend. Every Valentin's Day ad is the same pitch: Buy her the roses and candy, and you'll get the "Valentine's Day sex." Unfortunately, lust, over time, is just like the roses and the candy-- wilting and growing stale. The last time a guy actuall got sex for chocolate was when we liberated France.

Now a return to norm


New rule, Donald Trump must go even further with his hair and comb it completely over his face.

New rule, I don't care how big or flat it is, it's still just a TV. Congratulastions-- you just paid $10,000 to watch "Hogan's Heros."
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Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Pique Performance, a new rule special



New rule, Republicans need anger management training. I talk to young people all the time, and over and over again, they have the same complaint: that I'm out of Schnapps. But their other big gripe is that there's really no difference between the two parties. Not true: The republicans are much more pissed off. Look at John Bolton-- if you can. Now I don't know if this is man has human relationship issues, but I do two thins: One, his hair's not speaking to his mustache. And two, the republicans actually like the idea of our most sensitive diplomatic post being helmed by a raging psychopath. Asking John Bolton to represent you at the UN is like asking R. Kelly to chaperone the Miss Teen USA Pageant-- you know someone's gonna end up pissed.

Like Mr. Bolton, what republicans need is to find a channel for their anger, I mean channel besides FOX News. In the last 10 years, they've taken the white house, the congress, the courts, and what's left of Zell Miller's mind-- and it's only made them madder.

Therefore, tonight, as a solution, I would like to suggest that as a national policy, we encourage the reestablishment of the Soviet Union. Sure, it was an evil empire, but at least it kept the republicans busy! Who has time for gay marriage or activist judges or brain dead bulimics when you've got a real bogeyman to freak out about.

The problem with American politics today is that one party has the monopoly on all the anger. To be a republican is to walk around all day madder thatn Paula Abdul with a fistful of vicodin and nothing to wash it down with. And to be a Democrat means--I dunno, your guess is as good as mine.

It seems like ever since Micheal Dukakis was asked how he'd feel if his wife got raped and he said "Whatever," the Democtats have been the party that speaks softly and carries Massachusettes. When Dick Cheney says "GO fuck yourself," they say "How Hard?" In the last election, George Bush called John Kerry a cowar, a liar, a wimp, a flip-floper, and a war criminal and Kerry got so incensed he almost fell off his wind surfer. It's bad when the person in your party with the biggest balls is named Teresa.

Democrats would do well to remember this: Anger can be good. Anger can be cleansing. Anger can be a force for change. Anger is what made america what it is today-- a hulking pariah whose only friends are toadies and sheiks.
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Sunday, February 5, 2006

It is now time for New rules
New Rule, You might think this one is self-evident, but: don't watch TV when you drive. A man is on trial for a fatal crash that happend while he was driving and watching "Road Trip". A moving automobile isn't a theater. It's a place for eating, drinking, talking on the phone, doing your hair, checking your amkeup, and getting blown.

New Rule, No more "talent competitions: at beauty pageants. Being hot is a talent. The only reason we endure watching Miss Texas play the xylophone in the first place was because it made her breasts juggle. The talent contest is just an interminable delay to the whole point of the night: getting date raped by an athlete.

New Rule, Enough with the bitching about the credit card companies. Sure, they're a bunch of predatory loan sharks, but your credit problems may also have something to do with the fact that you just can't stop buying stuff. So, set down you $5, double mocha, no foam latte and your plasma screen, internet accesible, camera cell phone and face the fact that there's only one surefire wat to erase credit card debt-- by picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors... and cutting your wife in half.
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Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Welcome to New Rules
New Rule, Some must stop the Cirque du Soleil. If we hate the French so much, how come we gave them Las Vegas? There are now six Cirque du Solieil related shows on the strip. Six! Who wants to spend 2 hours watching a bunch of French chicks fold themselves in half? You know what, scratch that. New Rule: We need more Cirque du Soliel.

New Rule, If you have to set up a big-screen TV and show the Daytona 500 to get people into your church, as one church in Fredericksburg, Virginia, does, then your flock is not worshiping Jesus; they're worshipping Dale Earnhardt Jr. And there's a difference: One is the son of god, and the other died on a cross for your sins.

New Rule, When the penis-enlargement pills you bought fail to enlarge you penis, don't file a lawsuit. Yes, I'm talking to you, Micheal Coluzzi of Burlington, New Jersey. You see, Micheal Coluzzi, lawsuits are in the public record and now everyone in Burlington knows you, Micheal Coluzzi, have a shameful secret.
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Monday, January 30, 2006

Now for New Rules everybody
New rule, don't try to talk to me about any drean you've had that I wasn't in. There's a very limited audience of people interested in you dreams. That's why there only showing in your head.

New rule, you can throw somebody our of the library for how they sound but not for how they smell. A new law in San Luis Obispo says librarians can evict homeless people for their smell. Hey lonely librarians---don't think of them as homeless; think of them as single. I know most librarians won't see much of a future with some babbling drunk with a drug habit and a messiah complex, but hey, it worked for Laura Bush.

New rule, no paying kids to tattle. A high school in Georgia says it will pay kids up to $100 to rat out friends who steal, cheat, or drink. Just like the bible says. Be cause it's never too early to look into your own heart and ask yourself: What would Judas do?
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Sunday, January 29, 2006

It is time for New Rules
New rule, "Valentine's day sex" is and urban legend. Every Valentine's day ad is the same pitch: Buy her the roses and candy, and you'll get the "Valentine's Day Sex". Unfortunatly, lust, over time, is just like the roses and the candy--- wilting and growing stale. The last time a guy actually got sex for chocolate was when we liberated France.

New rule, Go back to calling actresses actresses, not actors. Every word we say doesn't have to be gender neutral. and by the way, it's not a hate crime to say that Madonna is a bad actress, not a bad actor.

New rule, Don't try to talk to me about Desperate Housewives. If I had the slighest interest in other peoples sex lives, I'd be a Republican.

New rule, Enough with the "For Dummies: series. The last straw was this week when I saw NASCAR for dummies. Let me save you the $12.99. It's rednecks drinking beer and watching other rednecks turn left.
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Thursday, January 26, 2006

It is now time for New Rules
New rule, your daughter's a whore. According to the FBI, there's a new development in the prostitution game: Suburban teenage girls are now selling their white asses at the mall to make money to spend at the mall! Wow, I can't even find an escalator that goes down.
Oh sure, I know what you're saying: upper-middle -class caucasian teen whoring? That's something that happens to other peoples kids. But our little Ashely trading her coochie for Gucci? No way! Maybe you're right. But if your daugther comes home with scraped knees, it might not be from jump roping.

New rule, stop telling me to not talk to you until you've had your coffee, you pathetic junkie. In fact, I'll make a deal with you: I won't talk to you before you've had your coffee if you won't talk to me after you've your coffee.
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Sunday, January 22, 2006

More New Rules
New rule, let the drive-in movie die. The popcorn is always stale, the sound is always crappy, and the picture is always blurry. It's 2005--- teens no longer have to drive onto a hillside and park in formation to get a hand job.

New rule, stop brining out DVD's so soon. I'm still ignoring you in the theater.

New rule, you can't put any more types of meat on a bacon cheeseburger. Once you've made it a bacon cheesburger, you're dont. If you're adding more than that, you have to opt out of Medicare.

New rule, If you don't want the world to think your religion is medieval, stop beheading people. texans are bloodthirsty and dim, and even they learned to use an electric chair. Come on, Islam. Join the nineteenth century.

New rule, enough with "Gay-sploitation" TV. "Queer eye for the straight guy"? If I want a bunch of gay men in queeny outfits telling me how to live my life, I'll go back to MASS.
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Monday, January 16, 2006

Just wrong


This is a fun wholesome video for the whole family to enjoy.
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Sunday, January 15, 2006

I have returned from the dead
Sorry for my prolonged absense but I've kind of been on a short leash lately. It's been a while so I would like to start back with some new rules.

New rule, Lap dancing is a First Amendement right. The LA city council has banned lap dancing. What's next--- burning books? Lap dancers, or "imagineers", as I like to call them, are artists, drawing you into there fantasy world much like a skilled novelist does--that is, if the novelist had a perfectly waxed bikini lines. But more important, lap dancers are expressing an idea---an idea called hope: the hope that someday, a skinny young woman with artificial breasts and a navel piercing will want to have sex with you. And without that hope, millions of American men might just as well throw themselves into the sea.

New rule, I don't need an annoying little sticker on each individual piece of fruit. Let me get this straight: Our borders aren't secure, but we're still going through the plums by hand? The stickers are the opposite of appetizing--- Especially the ones on kiwis that say, "Don't these things kind of look like your balls?"
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