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Tuesday, December 6, 2005

New Rules #22
New rule, Ass-kissing must be done in person. Yes, I'll "continue to hold" but not because you said," your call is important to us." If my call was really important to you, you'd hire a human to pick up the damn phone.

New rule, call things what they are. If your morning coffee contains crushed ice, whipped cream, and caramel, it's a milk shake. Same as if you cook your cocaine on a spoon and smoke it, you're not freebasing; you're a crackhead. And if you go down on your husband after he gives you a new fur coat, you're not celebrating your anniversary; you're a ----oh, never mind.

New rule, dead people can't write advice columns. Dear Abby has been dead for yeard, yet she continues her daily syndicated column. If I want to hear what a corpse thinks, I'll read Robert Novak.

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Monday, December 5, 2005

New rules #22
New rule, Let the Mafia protect New Jersey. Terror experts say that the deadliest, most vunerable 2 miles in america is the unguarded chemical corridor in New Jersey that gave the state its reputation for smelling like a sweat sock. Arizona has the Minute Men; let New Jersey have the Mafia. they all live there anyway.

New rule, Beheading hostages has jumped the shark. Come on, guys, you've seen one blurry home video of a guy in an orange jumpsuit begging for his life, you've seen them all. you've got to come up with a new twist, like one of the hostages is gay but the others don't know it, or the hostages compete for immuntiy... something. By the same token, Donald Trump has to start firing people by sawing off their heads.

new rule, No, we don't need a Hummer cologne. Yes, hummer is now also a men's fragrance. They say the scent is a masculine combination of leather, sandalwood, and a bald man's tiny cock. it's also great cologne for gay guys: you put it on and, before you know it, you're rolling over.

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Sunday, December 4, 2005

New rule #21
New rule, get rid of the "baby changing station" in the men's room. Let's stop pretending that it has been, or ever will be, used. You're only tempting a short homless man to use it as a murphy bed.

New rule, If you're in Iraq and you even sort of think you might be near a checkpoint... stop. Otherwise, don't be surprised if we shoot your car. Haven't you seen a single american movie, television show, or new story from the last 60 years? That's what we do "We shoot cars. Does the name elvis ring a bell? Richard Pryor? Lee Harvey Oswald? I know it's hard for foreingers to understand, but in america we shoot first and ask questions rarely.

New rule, No more bitching about the French. At least they're standing up to the Bush administaration, which is more then I can say for the Democrats. And it dosen't make me un-American to say I'd rather live in Paris that in some place where cheese only comes in individually wrapped slices.

New rule, I don't care how big or flat it is, it's still just a TV. Congratulations---you just payed $10000 to watch Hogan's Heroes.

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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

New rule #21
New rule, room service personnel must know what the soup is! You're working the phones at the room service. What do you think you're going to get asked---what you're wearing? If I'm paying 28 dollars for two eggs and a coke, you should know the soup, all the dtate capitals, and where I left my keys.

New rule, scientology makes you fat. John Travolta, Kristie Alley, Lisa marie Presley; fat, fat, fat! L. Ron Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch his old dog a bone. But it was gone, because his followers scarfed it. De hinest: It's not a religion; it's just an excuse for a bake sale.

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New puzzel

Cool, huh?

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Deh De Dehhh
People seem incresingly stupid now a days. I'm sure some of you know people or may even be guilty yourseves of some of the stuff I'll come to mention here today. Like for starters, for those of you who drive, when ever you get hit, regardless of whos fault it is, the other guy alaways gets out and looks to you like it's your fault. Even if he back ends you, he just looks at you like "Uh, why did you stop at that red light and let me hit you doing 80." And it's things like this that bring me to my next point. I was talking to some kid at school the other day, and when I say talking to him, what I really mean is he was trying to impress me with some moronic story about getting bitten by a shark or how he can five thousand push ups or some stupid shit like that. Anyway, somewhere along the way it turned into a story about driving, and the instant I heard him say this.... Doctors say they don't know what causes brain anurisums. I think I have discoverd the causes, it's when you shit like what he said and I quote "I wish we lived in a country where we didn't have to where seat belts." I looked to this jackass so quickly, I thought my neck might snap. On my face a blank expression followed by the words 'Stupid mother Fucker' at the top of my lungs. Let me explain this, I wear my seat belt because I when I was little me and my dad were going to the store and he looked back to me and said "ut your seat belt on. I'm not going to tell you again." Now I was a stupid little kid and just ignored him. Next thing, he slams on his brakes and my head bounces off the back of his and off the back of mine and off the window nest to me. I never went without a seat belt again. And it's not just seat belts, I hear middle school kids telling me "I can't wait til I'm sixteen and I don't have to wear a helmet anymore." Listen, I wear a helmet by choice, because I realize my head is softer then the ground. Kids now a day lack any respect for there parents. I was at a store, wal-mart, about a week ago, and just down the way there was a little kid screaming and fussing and making one hell of a scene. Now I remember when I was a kid, my dad would take me off tot he side before even going into a store and would say "Now we go inhere, you don't talk to anyone, you don't ask for anything and if you embarass me, son of bitch..." I knew better then to fuck with my parents man. I remember one time we were standing outside of some store, I think it was target of something. Anyway, we were walking up there and my dad just *thump* on the back of my head "Don't start something" I was like 6 at the time and I just remember thinking 'did he just hit me for shit I might do' maybe not those exact words but you get the point. I use to get prevenitive beatings like that, they hit me before I even did anything to make sure I wouldn't do it. I see this kid screaming and his parents are just folding to his every whim. I don't have kids, nor do I want them, but I'll say this: even I know more about parenting then them. Listen here's a tip, if your kid starts acting up with the whole "I don't need you, I'm a big boy "crap, you know what you do: Leave him there, leave him at the store. Now for those fo you who take this shit too litteraly, you don't actually leave him at the god damn store. What you do is, when he starts this crap you just wait for him to look away long enough for you to sneak off and hide from him. Then you wait, he'll be cool for a minute, you know, til he notices your gone. He's gonna stop and look around, then it's gonna start. He's gonna fucking lose it "Mommy, where are you?" He's gonna scream and cry and you just sit back and watch. Now I know for you caring parents, your gonna wanna run up to him and make him feel better, but trust me this is good for him. You just let him scream and make a scene like that. You should step in when he starts the hyper-ventalating thing where he's crying so bad he can't breath, that's when you need to come out and go "Oh, hey over here." I promise you won't have trouble with this shit no more, he's gonna run up "What's the wrong with you...... I'm not big I'm still little you crazy bitch..... That man thinks I'm retarded." That will be the end of that problem. Parents, drivers and high school students in this country and any other for that matter need to start using those lumps three feet above there asses if they ever expect results. Trust me, my parents knew how to handle me and I came out okay and if you follow my simple rules to parenthood you can do well to. If your curious just ask.
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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

New rules #20
New rule, Computers aren't for voting; they're for picking uo underage girls. Voting by computer sounds really futuristic---if this were 1969. But now that we all have computers, we know that they are, in fact, huge fuck-up machines. they're like having a compact, silicon version of Gary Busey on your desk-- you never know what's going to happen. I'll tell you what'll happen: Some 13-year-old hacker in Finland is going to hand the presidency to Kylie Minogue. You thought the 2004 election was bad-- wait until the next one is decided by a customer service rep in New Delhi.

New rule, cuddling is for girls. The latest rage in New York is "cuddle parties" where grown men and women put on pajamas and just.... cuddle. Pardon me while i throw up. Particpants say it's not about sex; it'a about intamacy. No, it's about sex. you're just so neurotic and emasculated that you've decided to skip screwing entirly and go right to the boring part afterward. the only time a man should say "I need a hug" is if he's choking.

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Sunday, November 27, 2005

New Rule #19
New rule, god hates cruise ships. After years of punishing them with simplw fires and plagues, he finally hit one with a tidal wave---a personal tsunami. Folks, climb off. They're filth. you could get the clap from the postcards. If cruise ships weren't damned by god and all that's holy, why would Disney own one?

New Rule, Stip saying tax-and-spend liberal. That's what the government does: It taxes and spends. As opposed to the system under Bush/Cheney: Dine-and-dash.

New rule, If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

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Saturday, November 26, 2005

New rules #18
New rule, hot chicks have to stop talking to ghosts. THis rule is based on the new hit series in america right now, 'Medium' and 'Ghost Whisperer'. Listen, I have enough trouble getting laid without being cock blocked by John Wilkes Booth or Babe Ruth.

New rule, hollywood has to stop making white people more paranoid then they already are. Another one inspired by resent TV hits, like 'Threshold' and 'Close to Home'. Isn't it bad enough there already terrified of Tyron and Pablo, do they really need to be afraid of Mr. Rogers and ET too.

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Thursday, November 24, 2005

Another Eva Puzzel for all you Eva nuts.

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