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Sunday, March 12, 2006

And now purely for my enjoyment

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New rules of the day
New Rule: The fortunes in fortune cookies have to be fortunes. "You surround yourself with good friends" is not a prediction. It's a compliment. Quit kissing my ass, cookie! If I'm going to sit through a plate of MSG-laden, twice-cooked kitty-cat, I want a real fortune like, "That meal you just ate is going to give you cancer."

New Rule: There aren't "101 Sex Tricks." In fact, ladies, there is only one. It's called the blowjob. Do it 101 times.

New Rule: A terrorist threat should not end with the words, "Seriously, dude." A terrorist video has surfaced wherein an Al Qaeda operative from Orange County--threatened the U.S. Hey, face it, man, you're not a jihadist. You're Napoleon Dynamite with this mother's dishtowel on his head. Turn off the camcorder, go back to your parents' basement and download porn, you loser.

New Rule: If your razor has five blades, it's not a razor, it's a weed-whacker. With the new Gillette Fusion razor, the first blade lifts the stubble; the second severs the hair follicle; the third slices your skin; the fourth scrapes bone marrow; and the fifth was used by O.J. Simpson to kill his wife, and he wants it back.

New Rule: If you give a nine-year-old a hunting rifle, expect to have a hole in your head next to the one you already have. That's right. Fathers are signing up their kids to win free hunting trips. Great time to find out she's pissed about not getting that doll. I'm sorry, but the first time your daughter should see a shotgun is at her wedding when she's 14.

New Rule: Don't drag kids into adult fights. Everybody knows you don't exploit children as pawns during a strike. You exploit children as pawns during a divorce! Let's limit kids to their one true airline responsibility: kicking the back of my seat.

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Thursday, March 9, 2006

It is time for some more New Rules
New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At ExxonMobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please, the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is that they would both steal French fries from a baby.

New Rule: Defenders of the war in Iraq must stop comparing it to the American Revolution. Yes. The only thing the Iraqi leadership has in common with our founding fathers is that neither of them used deodorant. Now, the sight of Iraqis having a constitutional convention has put a lump in the throat of Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney, all of whom have compared the American patriots of 1776 to our soldiers in Iraq today, mostly because they're using the same equipment.

Let's just mention a few ways this analogy breaks down. One: the American Revolution was a home-grown rebellion fought with guerilla tactics against an occupying army of foreigners and mercenaries. Okay, that is exactly what's going on in Iraq. Oh, except for one thing: This time, WE'RE ENGLAND!

You need proof? The only people on our side? England. Turns out, home field advantage, very important in wars. Also, a huge difference when it came to the big, basic issues. Our founding fathers were all pretty much on the same parchment. It wasn't like Jefferson was for representative democracy but Adams and Madison were ultra-orthodox clerics chanting the Bible.

But Iraq, you know what Iraq is like? Okay, take Pat Robertson, put him in the desert...oh, that's good. The American Revolution was nothing like what's going on in Iraq. Our founding fathers didn't have thousands of years of bitter feuds and grudges between them. Franklin's people had not gassed Hamilton's people.

Our framers were a homogenous group comprised only of white, land-owning males. Today, we would hardly call that a constitutional convention. We'd call that a Republican Convention.

"We, the people" did not include women, blacks, gays or Indians. It took another 200 years to become "We, the Village People..." Or, as Ben Franklin said at the signing, "Who are we forgetting?"

But I have not lost hope for Iraq. The sons of Mesopotamia do have greatness in their history. And although the obstacles are many, there is one thing that binds the Sunni, the Shiite and the Kurd: they hate the f*** out of us.

New Rule: Since only 15% of Americans said they believe in evolution in a recent poll, America must change its name to the United States of Jesus Christ. And our motto, from E Pluribus Unum to "I'm With Stupid." The good news for the nation: if we get any stupider about science, we'll forget how to cook crystal meth.

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Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Welcome to my New Rules
New Rule: President Bush has to stop saying that, "before 9/11, we thought oceans could protect us." No, we didn't. Maybe in your world, the oceans were like America's moat—and you were king, and Condie was a Nubian princess. But in our world, we knew that our enemies, evil though they may be, had figured out boats and flying machines.

New Rule: This year, the Oscar gift bag is worth $110,000! Rich movie stars don't need that kind of clutter. Between the jewels, the shoes, the iPods and the skis, there's barely room in Tom Cruise's closet for Tom!

New Rule: Ice dancing is not a sport. Take away the skates and the sequins and it's just a public wife-beating. If you saw this happening in a trailer park, you'd call the cops.

New Rule: You can't wear a Che Guevara tee-shirt with your designer jeans unless you're trying to be ironic. One is a symbol for impoverished workers. The other was sewn by them. You want to support the poor people in Latin America? Buy more coke.

New Rule: If your people are so desperate mannequins make them horny, there's something wrong with your religion. A few months ago, police in Iran confiscated 65 mannequins for being too sexy. Guys, I'm sorry, but it's the mannequins that are supposed to have the sticks up their asses. In the free West, we don't have impure thoughts about inert hunks of tit-shaped plastic. We have Britney Spears.

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Saturday, March 4, 2006

Everybody it is time for New Rules
New Rule: If you're too lazy to peel your own fruit, get scurvy and die! Hoping to appeal to teenagers who say they're too busy to peel oranges, Sunkist is introducing a new pre-cut, pre-peeled snack version. Not to be outdone, Baskin-Robbins has created a new cone-less ice cream that your mother pre-chews and spits down your throat.

New Rule: Since our new national position on science is, "Screw it, we prefer witchcraft," let's not just retire the Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's drive it to one of the five stupidest states and have the locals beat it with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal it, fly it into space and notice we revolve around the sun.

New Rule: When a woman over 60 has a baby, it's not a miracle from God. It's a miracle from genetic engineers, fertility experts and the good people at Merck. In California last week, a 62-year-old woman with 11 children, 20 grandchildren and three great grandchildren, gave birth again. To a 40-year-old man who walked out.

At an age when most women are content to putter around the garden or perform the opening number at the Grammys- -Janise Wulf, age 62, told the press at a news conference, "Age is a number. Every time you revolutionize something, there's going to be naysayers." To which the reporters replied, "We're over here!"

And, lady, let me tell you something. You're not a revolutionary. You're a vagina with no off switch. Twelve kids? Let me guess. You're either a Catholic or a hamster. Look, I don't want to be the one to say that this lady is too old and she's already had enough children. But, this lady is too old and she's already had enough children!

Hey, when you're 62 and you want children, you have two choices: a) in vitro fertilization, or b) luring them into a house made out of candy.

But, in vitro fertilization is not for 62-year-old grandmothers. It's for 35-year-old lesbians.

I know a little about this subject, because I recently patented a vibrating turkey-baster—ribbed for her enjoyment. And to everybody who came to my last Thanksgiving, I'm very sorry about the mix-up.

Look, I wouldn't make such a big thing out of it, but it turns out Ms. Wulf is not the first over-60-year-old to have a baby in the last decade. There is a virtual epidemic of granny-sluts who insist on squeezing out children who, when they get older, will face many uncomfortable moments, like when it's parents' day at school and the kid shows up with an urn.

Why is creating life under any conditions whatsoever so applauded when there are already millions of unwanted kids around the world? And Angelina Jolie can't save them all! In fact, somebody has got to tell this chick that sometimes when you go to a foreign country, it's okay just to bring home a tee-shirt.

I mean, it's not a crime to be an old lady, is it? In fact, one of the great things about it is that when you have sex, you don't have to worry about getting pregnant. It's like being gay, but not as cool. So don't think of it as being barren. Think of it as "Brokehip Mountain."

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Saturday, February 25, 2006

Alright It's New Rules, How about that.
New Rule: Stop worrying that the government is listening in on your phone conversation. The person you called isn't even listening to your phone conversation. Any American in this day and age who thinks they're not being monitored is so naive and oblivious, I can't believe they're not working already for the Bush Administration.

Which...which is not to say it isn't creepy thinking of Karl Rove monitoring my emails. Which is why all of mine say the same thing: "Hey, did you hear freedom is on the march, and I quit smoking pot?" "Praise Jesus! - Casey."

But the organization that is conducting these wiretaps, the NSA, is a spy agency different from all the others, in that its only function is to listen. You know, like a husband.

And if they need to listen to keep a dirty bomb from going off in Long Beach, then I say, "Listen away." All I ask, NSA, is that you don't judge. And more importantly, if you could screen my calls. In fact, just tell everybody I'm not in. Oh, and if I say something funny during one of my phone conversations, write it down and hit me back with an email so I can use it in my next stand-up special.

So, yes, on the downside, our lives here in America are now an open book. But on the upside, Bush doesn't read books! And really, people, if you're so worried about the privacy of your cell phone calls, stop making them when you're in line at Starbucks!

Oh, please, Americans don't want privacy. They want attention! They'll put a camera in their shower and show it on the Internet! To get on television, they'll marry strangers and eat a cow's rectum, and ice dance with Todd Bridges. They're trying to get on a show called "Big Brother"!

We are a nation of exhibitionists from "me" to shining "me." And what we really fear isn't that someone's listening; it's that no one's listening. This whole country is one big desperate cry for somebody to listen to "listen to me, photograph me, Google me, read my blog!" "Read my diary; read my memoir. It's not interesting enough? I'll make shit up!"

You know that I could go on the Internet right now under my alternate screen name, "CherryXXX69," and get complete strangers to email me a picture of their scrotum. I tell you, this country gave the finger to privacy a long time ago.

New Rule: If President Bush is going to exclusively play to military audiences, he must carry a golf club like Bob Hope and tell the Marines that the mess in Iraq is bigger than Dolly Parton's boobs. Why is there a troop shortage in Iraq? Because so many of them have to be here doing photo-ops with this clod. This guy has shown his ass to more servicemen than a bar girl in Thailand. I'm mad now!

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Saturday, February 18, 2006

More from New Rules
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New Rule, If you compete in a sport where gravity creates most of your speed, your not an athelete, your a weight.

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New Rule, since they don't pay taxes, Churches can't call the fire department. That's a little something called paying in. When my house is burning down, I'll call the fire fighters that my tax doallars paid. You can pray for rain.

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New Rule, Leave hillbillies alone to do stupid hillbilly things. People this week were outraged to see Britney Spears driving with her 8 month old baby on her lap. Let me say it like this, Darwin's "Survival of the fittest" idea only works if we let the stupid people thin themselves out.

Stupid hillbillies will do this for us, we don't have to find them. Let them do things like... oh, I don't know: confuse anti-freeze with club soda, drive a car with a baby in your lap, or go hunting with Dick Cheney. People should just be happy she didn't think it was empty and throw it out the window.

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Thursday, February 16, 2006

Bleach Episode 1
I bring to you the first episode of the anime series that has taken the otaku world by storm. Bleach. I give you the first episode in subs of course. Please do enjoy.

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More fun with New Rules
New Rule: If your people are so desperate mannequins make them horny, there's something wrong with your religion. Police in Iran confiscated 65 mannequins for being too sexy. Guys, I'm sorry, but it's the mannequins that are supposed to have the sticks up their asses. In the free West, we don't have impure thoughts about inert hunks of tit-shaped plastic. We have Britney Spears. That got them. That was too outrageous.

New Rule: Condoms are not sex toys. Trojan has released a new line of condoms that vibrate and heat up. Look, condoms keep people from getting AIDS and the clap. Haven't they done enough? You want to improve condoms? Invent a wrapper guys can open before they lose their hard-on.

New Rule: President Bush's new Supreme Court nominee, Samuel Alito, must bomb an abortion clinic. I know it sounds crazy, but the right wing needs assurance that they've really got their holy man this time. We can't let the swing vote on the Supreme Court just wind up in the hands of some level-headed legal pussy.

Is Sam Alito a decent man with Christian values? Well, until he kills a nurse with a pipe bomb, there's no way to be sure. Because there is nothing you can say to a real conservative to convince him abortion should ever be acceptable other than, "Your daughter is pregnant and the father is black."

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Sunday, February 12, 2006

Gundam SEED Destiny
This is a assortment of videos in tribute to the long awaited Gundam SEED Destiny. A look at the closing of this series. I warn that this is basically one long spoiler, so If you not into those, I suggest you not watch. However, for those who just can't help it anymore, this is for you. However, the last vid on here is in fact the opening to the series, so some of you may be interested in watching that atleast. Well, anyway, enjoy.

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