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Monday, November 14, 2005

New Rules #14
New rule, no more serial killers with the initials for a nickname, like the "bind, torture,kill" killer, BTK. It'll just encourage copycats, like "BLT" who kills you and then has a nice sandwich. Or "KFC" who kills you and then places your body parts in buckets. Or "ADD" who starts killing you but then loses interest. OR "LBJ" who kills you while holding you up by the ears. Or "RSVP" who plans to kill, but then calls and says he can't make it....

New rule, the government dosen't need to worry about cheerleaders. The Texas senate just passed a law against "overtly sexual" cheerleading. This is a horrible law. For one big thing, how do these people think we train our next generation of strippers? I'm sorry, but the only time anyone in government should be spending time on sheerleaders is when his wife is away and he's actually on a cheerleader.

New rule, priests should be allowed to marry. What better way to ensure celibacy?

New rule,Stop telling me not to talk to you until you've had your coffee, you pathetic junkie. In fact, I'll make a deal with you: I won't talk to you 'Before' you've had your coffee if you won't talk to me 'after' you've had your coffee.

New rule, if you're blind, you don't have to pick up your guide dogs poop. In calkfornia, a blind couple went to court over a complaint that they didn't. You see, they would have, but they can't see shit!

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Sunday, November 13, 2005

New rules #13
New rule, you can't notify people by e-mail that you've given them chlamydia. The San Francisco Healthe department had a new service that lets you send an internent greeting card to someone you may have given an STD: "Foses are red, orchids are gray, congratulations, you now have hepititis A."

New rule, it's not a toen hall if you only invite people who promise to kiss your ass. Recently, three people at a Bush "social security town hall" were thrown out because orainizers didn't like the bumper stickers on their car. This isn't good for america, and it's not evn good for Bush. If all he want to do is talk to someone who agrees with him on everything, he should go back and re-debate John Kerry.

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Saturday, November 12, 2005

New Rules #12
New rule, drugs are the symptom, not the problem itself. There's a reason speed is ravaging Small Town, USA: There's nothing else to do. Sorry, John Mellencamp, but the farms are all gone, the tastee-freez is closed, and the little pink house burned down in a meth lab explosion. The nearest job is forty miles away at the Wal-Mart, and they lock you in at night. If you want the kids to stay off the crank, you need to put them on something else---a bus out of town.

New rule, Norht Korea dosen't need nuclear weapons---it needs Ritalin. It's not a nuclear superpower. It's more like a four year old who won't stop shoeing people his penis. There, we're all paying attention to you, now put that thing away. Maybe the real problem is being the little brother with a hand me down name, NORTH Korea. Why don't we change its name to something nice, like Really Really West Hawaii?

New rule, morning people must keep it to themselves. By the time you stop and explain you're a morning person, it's too late--- you've already annoyed me. We get it--- You're up and ready to go at the crack of dawn, just like my dick.

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Wednesday, November 9, 2005

New rule #11
New rule, stop scaring us with diseases we'll never get. First it was SARS, then it was monkeypox, West Nile, and now asian bird flu, which dosen't scare me because I'm not a sparrow in Thailand. Mysterious Asian diseases don't just come knocking on your door. Unless you're Neil Bush.

New rule, if gays aren't allowed to redefine marriage, then neither can right wing christian zealots. Arkansas has a new marriage called "covenant marriage" that requires counseling beforehand and is harder to get our of. It's alot like regular marriage, only instead of saying "I do" you say "I double dog swear" There's a word for couples who believe that the feelings they share now are the feelings they'll share forever: delusional. If you must enter a relationship that's bound to turn sour and is almost impossible to get out of look into a time share.

New rule, homeless shelters don't need gyms. Los Angelos just opend a new homeless shelter with a library, hair salon, and gym. Now, I'm fine with the library and hair salon----like most people, I like my crack whores well read and groomed----but a gym? If you're pushing a loaded shopping cart around all day, you don't need a stair master. I know gay guys who became homeless just for the abs.

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Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Church and State
When this country was founded it was founded on many ideals. One of the most important was seperation of Church and State, something I think our good president Bush isn't following through on. This man is so .......Grrr. A few years ago he was noted as saying the words "God wanted me to be president". When i heard these words i wanted to reach throught the TV and Choke him with his tie. No leader has believed that in this country since this nation was still controlled by england. The fact that he said that should outrage anyone who believes in this country and the principles in which it was founded. I just don't see where anyone could be okay with this. This man is on a tyraid that must be stopped. Fortunatly I believe the country is finally waking up and realizing what slime they are. Scooter Libey and Tom Delay have been indited. Hopefully this is a sign of things to come, and hopefully the people here will wake up and take a good look around and realize how screwed they are.
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New rule #10
New rule, stop being shocked when reality TV contestants turn out to be wife beaters, drug addicts, shoplifters, and porn stars. They're letting us marry them to strangers and make them eat ell shit. They don't have the gene for shame---Tah's why there on reality TV shows.

New rule, Now playing the guitar and the harmonica at the same time. Yes, I know it's pssible, but it always sounds like shit, and you look like an idiot doing it. If you must have both playing at the same time, hire another musician. How much could a harmonica player cost? Wearing a harmonica harness is only exceptable if you live in the subway and have to make a living doing such, and you must also have symbals strapped between your knees.

New rule, you don't get a million dollars for being gay. Remember Dick Cheney's daughter Mary? The one John Kerry mentioned was a lesbian and the republicans pretended to get irate? Well, she just got a million dollar advance to write her "memoirs". Memoirs? Chapter one: My dad's vice president. Chapter Two: I like pussy . The end.

New rule, The end of friends is not a national tragedy. It is just a sitcom that when off the air. One week Darren was complaining to Samantha about Larry Tate, the next week he wasn't. And nobody cared. Each character on Friends has fucked every other character in every possible combination, including that monkey. Let it go already.

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Monday, November 7, 2005

New rule #9
I liiiivveeeee............

New rule, stop calling the media elite and start calling it what it really is....Lazy. How many of you know that The bush administration has it's own news team and submits it's segments to Fox news network who airs these segments untouched.

New rule, news organizations have to stop using the phrase "We go beyond the headlines." That's your job Jack ass. You don't see Americam Airlines saying "We land our planes on the runway."

New rule, Time Magazine has to change it's name to god weekly. In the last few years it has put out: "The secret of the nativity", "The God Gene", "Faith, God and the oval office.", "The bible and the apocalypse." "Who was Moses?" "What Jesus Saw", "Why did Jesus have die?" "Jesus at 2000" If Jesus gets anymore free press, he gonna start thinking he's Paris Hilton. Look, I understand we have a lot of christians in this nation, but how about a little equal time? "Vinush to Ganesh: 'Drop dead!'" and "Is there no pleasing Zeus?"

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Friday, November 4, 2005

Culture of Fear
People are too jumpy now a days and I think that has to do with the retard media in this country. The big fear now is bird flu, I am having a hard time taking this "threat" seriously because in the last three years I've had to be afraid of SARS, West nile virus, denghi fever, and Monkey pox and all kinds of crap. We live in a society that is scared shitless and for no reason sometimes. Of course our president hasn't helped this problem. The man has developed his own color coded terror system and his campaign with this was to stop terror by inciting terror. Now I don't get how they thought this was okay. And now this man delittles this system by calling a terror alert every time he's in trouble. This is desensitizing our nation from the legitamte threats that are out there and we jniw there out there, for those of my friends in england remember all to well from what happend in London over the summer. There are lots of real threats out there and they desensitize us to these alerts til one day we have a genuine problem and no one is going to do anything then it'll be 9/11 all over again. This administration isa tyranny out of control that must be stopped. I hear people trying to compare his administration to real presidents like Harry S Truman, but the under lying fact is that Truman never maintained his position in the people by inciting fitts of terror in the nation. In short, This country is on a run away train headed for disaster once again, unless someone can stop these raging lunatics dead in there tracks I fear that another major disaster in our country is only a matter of time.
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Torture and Nazis
In this country the one thing every body is concerned about is Iraq. Most notalbe is the reports of torture of prisoners of war. Now, I agree that that's not right, but people have to stop trying to compare the stuff here to the stuff that the Nazis did. Some reports say that they would chain the men naked to the floor. Now true that's horrible, but in an overall veiw, wouldn't that have been the nicest thing the Nazis ever did to anybody. Come on people, americans are not like nazis, republicans are not like nazis, democrats are not like nazis, even neo nazis are not like nazis. No one is like the nazis, except Wal-mart.
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New rules #8
New rule, You can't fine rednecks for being rednecks. Dale Earnhart Jr. was fined by Nascar for publicly saying the words 'it don't mean shit'. You can't fine a redneck for that because to them that's not just a saying it's the entire redneck philosophy. Lost your job, it don't mean shit. wife ran off with the ups guy, it don't mean shit. There rednecks, that's how there suppose to act. I mean if rednecks had to pretend they cared about stuff they'd be yuppie.

New rule, if every one was wrong about iraq then someone has to say my bad. Is it just me or are the only two words no president can say are 'sorry' and 'nuclear'. Just a thought for the failing Bush administration.

New rule, if you have to tell me what fraction of you is indian you are not a native american. We have a name for people who claim to be one fourth native american..... Puerto Rican.

New rule, I don't want to hear about any dream that I wasn't in. More and more it seems women want to talk to there boyfriends and husbands about there dreams. You know theres a limited audience interested in your dreams that's why there only showing in your head.

New rule, valentines day sex is an urban legend. Every commercial for valentine days flowers and chocolate always end up at the same point, by her the chocolates and you'll get the 'valentines day sex'. The last time any guy laid for choclate was when we liberated France from the Nazis.

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