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Saturday, April 22, 2006

New Rules Special: Earth Day
New Rule, the democrats must take the rightful place as the party of enviromental protection. For too long the republicans have gotten away with rolling there eyes every time someone mentions the planet. Like it was smurf forest instead of the one and only place we can SURVIVE!

Now, today is earth day, the day where Bush takes a picture in front of a tree and Dick Cheney shots whatever flys out of it. As dispicable as this administrations take on this issue is, this never was their issue. Al Gore made his living talking in the senate about the enviroment. He makes his living talking about the enviroment now, which you can see in his up coming movie "The Inconvienient Truth" coming out in may. In fact the only time he shut up, was when he was running for president.

That's why democrats keep losing. They shrink, yes like girlie men, from making the counter arguement. They complain "How can we make our point in a 30 second campaign ad?" Like this: Republicans want your children to die. There, I did it and with 28 seconds to spare.

Is this scaring us, well somebody ought to. How can the republicans take such seemingly random and bogus issues like boys kissing, and activist judges, and immigrants pouring over our borders, and whip everyone into a frenzy over it, but the democrats can't do the same for armageddon. Hey, you wanna know what else is pouring over our borders: Greenland.

Listen, republicans do alot of things badly, like plan wars, set budgets, and .... Dance. But they sure do understand that the one who wins the election is the one who scares the most crap out of the voters. "Gay marriage, Terror alerts, the war on christmas. How long til Janet Jackson's tit strikes again. And now it's even bigger. But the enviroment is real. You seeit, you can smell it. In parts of Houston, you can pick parts of it up and use it to lube your car.

And if there is a face you wish to use to personify this evil, he was in the news this week. Yes, the retiring, handsomely compenstated, chairman of Exxon/Mobile, Lee"Fat Bastard" Raymond. Now, if you see this man and it looks like he's been eating the earth, he has. Even worse, his company has been using fake science to confuse people into thinking that global warming is still to iffy to act on. You know if the democrats can't make this prick their next Willie Horton, then they might as well go ahead and nominate that nice blonde lady who married Bill Clinton.

Ladies and gentlemen, I fear for my kids future and I don't even have kids. Glacier national park in Montana, you know the park named for it's glaciers, had 150 when the parked opened, and now has 26 left. Now, if we don't start taking care of places like Montana we are going to faced with an even bigger problem: Gay married men with no place to go fishing.

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Finally some New Rules
Sorry it's been awhile, but there finally back.

New Rule: You can't go out and play until you finish your war. President Bush kicked off another baseball season with a high, inside ceremonial first pitch. Come to think of it, the president's pitching style is a lot like what he's exhibited in Iraq: a lot of balls, with no real plan to get anybody out.

New Rule: If you work at an office, you have to take a turn cleaning the office microwave. I opened ours the other day, and a bat flew out. The inside looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. The three settings are now, "Cook," "Defrost" and "Hepatitis." And if you're not going to clean the damn thing, at least take out whatever is growing in there so we can harvest the stem cells.

New Rule: Don't blame illegal immigrants for driving down wages. Blame Congress. Republicans in Congress have to stop saying that the problem with Mexicans coming over the border is they keep wages down. You know what keeps wages down? The fact that Congress hasn't raised the minimum wage since 1997. 1997, when my dealer still had a beeper! Car dealer, car dealer, what did I say?

Yes, news flash: Congress controls what the minimum wage is. Who did you think it was, the valet parking team at Tony Roma's? And upping the minimum wage would affect wages. It has to. The word "wage" is right in it. Even George Bush could understand that. Maybe not. The point is, the elephant in the room is that no one can live on minimum wage, and that we are making a whole swath of our society - tens of millions of people - live like animals. So that the luckier segment can live with indulgences their parents never dreamed of.

Do you know that most upper-middle-class people nowadays never clean their own toilet or do their own laundry...until they go to rehab.

Adjusted for inflation, the minimum wage is actually lower than it was in 1968, the year George Bush graduated from Yale. And that is unforgivable! And the wage thing is bad, too.

People like to tell themselves that these immigrants do the jobs Americans won't do. Not true. Americans will pick fruit in the hot sun. But not at $5.15 an hour. Trust me. If some of these jobs paid real wages, your wife would be having sex with a Jewish gardener.

Americans want the contributions of the poor and the immigrant without having to actually see or be among them. Which is why I suggest, instead of building a wall on the border, we build a Wal-Mart. It would be 1,950 miles long, or the size of a normal Wal-Mart. And there would still be just the one register open. But it would solve this problem.

Because if we built this Wal-Mart exactly on the border, the Americans could come through the front door and shop, and the Mexicans could come through the back door and work. And then go home the same way at night, unless they got locked in. It is Wal-Mart.

In summation, I am not saying that raising the minimum wage is going to solve the illegal immigration problem. That can only be solved by arming Lou Dobbs. But five bucks an hour in an America where the luckier ones spend that on a coffee, is a cruel joke. And if you don't believe me, do what I do. Listen to the voices of those poor souls who are making this paltry sum. Of course, I have to. They're my staff.

New Rule: Parents have to stop coddling their children. The latest is, schools have stopped grading papers with red ink because of complaints that a big, mean, red X is too negative. Why, a kid might even think he got it wrong and learn something. These parents today are so fixated on protection, it's amazing they ever got pregnant in the first place.

A recent reality show called "Super Nanny" placed an old-school, discipline-wielding nanny into a family where the mother can't figure out the reason she's having a nervous breakdown is that she says things to her kids like, "Tyler, mommy would really appreciate it if you didn't throw rocks at me." You know, moms and dads these days are like the Democratic Party: lame, spineless and not holding up their end of the equation. And kids are like the Republicans: drunk with power and out of control!

Maybe that's why there's also a new phenomenon called "parent coaching," a kind of tech-support service for clueless parents when their 3.0-year-old goes haywire. As described in a recent New York Times article, here are some of the questions a typical mom asks her parenting coach: What should she do when Skylar won't do his chores? Should there be limits on how he spends his allowance? Should Forrest get dessert if he does not eat a healthy dinner?

Now, for those of you who are saying, "But, Bill, you're not a parent," I say, "True. But I have one thing these parents apparently don't: a brain!" This is not rocket science. What you should do when Skylar won't do his chores. How about using your size advantage. Make him. Because if there's one thing we know about kids, it's that if you give them an inch, the authorities will raid your Neverland Ranch.

Yes, like Michael Jackson, parents these days act like they're on a date with their children. Trying to impress them, trying to buy their love and never contradicting them or giving them a big red X when they're wrong.

So, no, I don't have kids. And you know what? I don't intend to have any until people start making some I'd want my kids to play with! Until then, I'm just glad I own a lot of stock in Ritalin.

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Friday, April 21, 2006

NO new rules
No new rules now, but I promise some new ones are on the way. Til then, enjoy some Bleach AMV's.

This is the Three part AMV on the battle between Byakuya and Ichigo.

Song: My plague

Band: Slipknot

Song: Papercut

Band: Linkin Park

Song: Downfall

Band: TRUSTCompany

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Saturday, April 8, 2006

Hello and welcome to New Rules
New Rule: For the rest of his trial, Saddam Hussein has to be put in that Hannibal Lecter thing. It'll cut down on the outbursts. Plus, we need him to look evil. Instead of what he looks like right now: a viable option.

New Rule: Let me handle the New Rules! The NFL—the "No Fun League"—this week, banned any prolonged or excessive end zone dances. No dropping to the ground and no group celebrations. Although group sex later on a boat, fine. But, come on, when a man does something truly heroic, like carry a little ball across a line—shouldn't he be allowed to dance? This is—this is America in the age of Bush. What part of "Gloating is good" don't you get?

New Rule: There is a place to stop the dancing, and that would be in commercials. Folks, if furniture polish makes you dance around the house, you're drinking too much of it. If you're waltzing with the Domino's guy, or if your hay fever medication causes you to air-tango in a wheat field—perhaps you've accidentally slipped yourself a "roofy." Besides, if you really want people dancing around your house, do what I did: put in a stripper pole. I did not...It came with the house.

New Rule: People who run everything can't complain that they're underdogs. To whit, this week, there was a highly-attended conference in Washington called "The War on Christians." Because nothing quite says "I'm oppressed," like the opulent Regency Ballroom of the Omni Shoreham Hotel.

Ah, yes, whatever happened to that plucky little cult, Christianity? Oh, that's right, they're 80% of the American people, and have taken over all three branches of government, country music, public schools, the bestseller list, and until recently, Katie Holmes. You know, Christians, I don't mind that you're part of a dress-up cult that hates sex and worships magic but the paranoia, that does scare me.

Did you know that the Missouri legislature recently felt the need to propose a resolution declaring Christianity Missouri's majority religion. No kidding. Really, you mean people aren't saying, "Gosh, I'd like to go to Missouri, but...to Jewish." In Savannah, recently, a children's book about a baby penguin who is raised by two male penguins - ahh! - was removed from the library for its homosexual overtones. Because you know penguins, in those tuxedos, with the dreamy eyes. Huge fags!

The Christian right are now officially the party of paranoia. Secularists are attacking Christmas! Gays are attacking marriage! Liberals are attacking values! White girls are being abducted at an alarming rate! You know, if you're going to be that paranoid all the time, just get high.

And the worst part is, the people bitching loudest about being persecuted for their Christianity aren't Christians at all. They're demagogues and conmen and scolds. And the only thing they worship is power. If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.

And Jesus - and Jesus never said a word about gay marriage. He was much too busy hanging out with 12 guys. Now - now I know George Bush says Jesus Christ changed his heart. But believe me, Dick Cheney changed it back. The only thing Bush has in common with Jesus is they both went into their father's business and got crucified for it.

Thomas Jefferson called the type of Christian who trumpets his own belief in the divinity of Jesus rather than the morality of Jesus "pseudo-Christians." And that's who's running our country today. And since they thrive so much on turning water into "whining"—and get off on their endless pretend persecution, this Easter season, let's give them what they want. Let's go to the zoo, get some lions, and feed them Tom DeLay.

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Saturday, April 1, 2006

Today's New Rules
New Rule: Mixing meat and donut is not kosher. A minor league baseball park has introduced the "Donut Burger." A cheeseburger with bacon served between a Krispy Kreme donut. It's all part of the team's new promotion: "Eat s*** and Die."

New Rule: If "Today Show" host Katie Couric gets to become anchor of the "CBS Evening News," then Barney the Dinosaur gets to replace Mike Wallace on "60 Minutes." This way, everybody wins. CBS News gets a perky blond, and "60 Minutes" gets somebody younger.

New Rule: Nobody can use the phrase "our greatest problem" anymore unless you're talking about global warming. President Bush has been saying we're in a war on terror, and now I get it. He's not saying "terror," he's saying "terra" as in "terra firma," as in the Earth. George Bush is an alien sent here to destroy the Earth! I know it sounds crazy, but it made perfect sense when Tom Cruise explained it to me last week.

Now, last week on "60 Minutes," James Hansen, who is NASA's leading expert on the science of climate delivered the world's most important message. He said, "We have to, in the next ten years, begin to decrease the rate of carbon dioxide emissions and then flatten it out. If that doesn't happen in ten years, we're going to be passing certain tipping points. If the ice sheets begin to disintegrate, what can you do about it? You can't tie a rope around an ice sheet." Although I know a certain cowboy from Crawford who might think you could.

And that cowboy and his corporate goons at the White House tried to censor Mr. Hansen from delivering that message, claiming such warnings were speculative. This from the crowd that rushed into a war based on an article in the Weekly Standard. This - this from the guy who thinks Kyoto is that Japanese emperor dude his dad threw up on.

Global warming is not speculative. It threatens us enough so that it should be considered a national security issue. Failing to warn the citizens of a looming weapon of mass destruction - and that's what global warming is - in order to protect oil company profits, well, that fits, for me, the definition of treason. And codified treason.

Please, wait a second. The guy in the White House who made the edits was Phil Cooney, who had been an oil industry lobbyist before given this job as head of the White House Council on Environmental Quality. That's the office that is supposed to be watching out for us. But that's where Phil busied himself crossing stuff out in scientists' reports, because apparently in Phil's mind, he hadn't switched jobs. He was just doing his old job - oil industry lobbyist - from a different office. You know, in the "people's house."

Republicans have succeeded in making the environment about some tie-dyed dude from Seattle who lives in a solar-powered yurt and eats twigs. It's not. This issue should be driven by something conservatives are much more familiar with: utter selfishness. That's my motivation. I don't want to live my golden years having to put on a hazmat suit just to go down and get the mail. Those are my Viagra years. When I'll be thinking about having children.

But I wouldn't know what to tell a kid about our world in 20 years. "Dad, tell me about the birds and bees." "They're all gone. Now, eat your Soylent Green." We are letting dying men kill our planet for cash, and they're counting on us being too greedy or distracted, or just plain lazy, to stop them.

So, on this day, the 17th anniversary of the Exxon Valdez oil spill, let us pause to consider how close we are to making ourselves fossils from the fossil fuels we extract. In the next 20 years, almost a billion Chinese people will be trading in their bicycles for the automobile. Folks, we either get our s*** together on this quickly, or we're going to have to go to Plan B: inventing a car that runs on Chinese people.

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Saturday, March 25, 2006

New Rules, the best part of waking up
New Rule: When President Bush when President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart.

New Rule: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You're not the chief communications officer of the Starship Enterprise. You're a shoe salesman asking your mom if you can bring over your laundry. If I wanted to overhear every tedious scrap of brain static rattling around in your head, I'd read your blog.

New Rule: You can't be as tired as we are of you. The latest excuse for Bush Administration foul-ups is that top members of the White House staff are physically and emotionally exhausted. ["aw" from the audience] Hmm. If there was just some sort of stress-relieving activity that could be performed right there in the Oval Office...

New Rule: The Republican and Democratic frontrunners for president in 2008 have to stop making me throw up until at least 2007. This week, the Republicans had a straw poll for the 2008 presidential election. 2008? The Democrats still have work to do losing the midterms. Diebold hasn't even started printing the false ballots!

And President "McDumbass" still has three more years of bloopers, boners and practical jokes!

But an interesting thing happened at this straw poll. Senator John McCain, the man the Vietnamese couldn't crack in torture chambers, got up and said, "Don't vote for me. Vote for George Bush, even though he can't run again." Wow, this guy is so far up Bush's ass, he can taste the near-beer. Because, in America, if you want the nomination bad enough, we can't just see you eat dirt; we have to watch you lick it off your lips.

And if you're going to win a national election, we're going to need to see some real proof that you're stupid enough to carry Kansas. Sorry, but if you think that issues like creationism or flag-burning or boys kissing are more important than messing up Iraq, the state of health insurance and the evaporating planet earth, then I have two words for you: the Sylvan Learning Center. Okay, that's four words, but the point remains...

The vote that frontrunners McCain and Hillary Clinton have already made very clear they're going after the wedge-issue cement-heads. McCain, who once called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson "forces of evil," has now come out for teaching "intelligent design." That is sad, when smart people have to pretend to be so dumb to get elected.

Hillary - Hillary Clinton is all upset about flag-burning. Really? The valedictorian at Wellesley? The graduate of Yale Law School and the first female in outer space? Is upset about flag-burning?! And not just flag-burning. She's also come out hard against sexy video games and easy access to abortions. Great. What am I supposed to do now on Saturday night?

But if, like Hillary Clinton, America sees you as a true intellectual—and by that, of course, I mean lesbian—you have to smile extra wide when you get fitted for your "I'm with Stupid" tee-shirt. It may look easy, but when you're a politician, it's hard to figure out 'what would soccer moms think Jesus would do' before you answer every question.

So, don't get me wrong. I love idiots. I just don't think they should be in charge. And I'll tell you why. Because the majority of Americans are not idiots. Assholes, yes. But, idiots, no.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

True New Rules

Here are some new rules from the master himself. The man who inspired my own new rules.

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Chillin with Cheney

Ntotious VP Yall

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Sunday, March 19, 2006

New Rule's For The Day
New Rule: Until one of the winners of "America's Next Top Model" gets an actual modeling job, they can't use the name, "Top Model." These women seem nice, but they're not "top models," because they aren't breathtaking beauties, Eastern European or 12. So let's call the show what it actually is: "A Bunch of 9's Taking Sh** From Tyra Banks." What's the hissing?

New Rule: The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be pot in the parking lot. Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the "morning-after" contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, "I really care," like a trip to Wal-Mart. Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart.

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New Rule: If Tom Delay gets to smile in his mug shot, because crimes are cute, he has to run for re-election dressed as the Hamburglar. "Hey, Texas, I'm a happy criminal! Vote for me!" Also, Dennis Hastert has to run as Grimace. No reason. He just kind of looks like Grimace.
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New Rule: Stop showing me pictures of celebrities I used to think were hot without their makeup on. If Tara Reid wanted us to see what she looks like first thing in the morning, she'd pass out face up.

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Friday, March 17, 2006

Here are more New Rules
New Rule: Stop saying "Brokeback Mountain" lost Best Picture because of a homosexual backlash. The only homosexual backlash in Hollywood involves an actual homosexual literally hitting you on the back with a lash. Besides, if "Brokeback Mountain" taught us anything, it's that there's nothing wrong with coming in number-two.

New Rule: Consenting adults, not governments, must be the ones to decide what constitutes a marriage. But if you applaud that for gay marriage, you have to applaud it for polygamy. Which comes from "poly" meaning "many" and "gamy" meaning a musky odor in the bedroom. Now, by now, I'm sure you've heard how the Mormons are upset about a new HBO show called "Sex With the Entire City." But, you know, Mormons should just be happy that Scientology came along and made them the second-weirdest.

But, for everybody else, if you really are for the principle that all families don't have to look alike, then you have to admit polygamy is hot! And if you take the husband out, it's even hotter! That's right. I'm not only for polygamy, I'm for gay polygamy. Okay, lesbian polygamy. But, really, I'm for any sexual perversion the Swedes can dream up and the Japanese can make disgusting.

New Rule: TV has to stop trying to make white people more paranoid than they already are. This rule is inspired by the shows "Threshold" and "Close To Home." All the new fall dramas are based on the premise that the suburbs aren't filled with desperate housewives, they're filled with serial killers and aliens. Please, TV, stop freaking out the people in the 'burbs. That's how George Bush got elected! Folks, your neighbor isn't a serial killer; you're not going to be invaded by aliens; and your wife isn't fucking the gardener. Well, two out of three ain't bad.

New Rule: Stop making those motorized scooters look so damned fun! When I see those TV commercials with old people zipping around, it makes me wish I was paralyzed with Type-2 diabetes.

New Rule: Pizza joints must stop hanging pictures of Z-level celebrities on their walls. It doesn't impress me that 12 years ago, "21 Jump Street's" Richard Grieco stopped in for a slice. Especially since he's working there now. Cruel. Poor Richard. Give him a job, somebody!

Finally, New Rule: Condoms are not sex toys. Trojan has released a new line of condoms that vibrate and heat up. Look, condoms keep people from getting AIDS and the clap. Haven't they done enough? You want to improve condoms? Invent a wrapper guys can open before they lose their hard-on.

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