I feel rotten today. But we take the bad with the good though right? It's just put me in a bad mood. I actually did comment to you guys today, how about that? Heh. I'm trying real hard not to let my bad mood leach out to effect others. So you'll find your comments are all light.
Thank you to the people who commented last time with your condolences. As hard assed as it sounds, I haven't even cried for the death of my father yet. I refuse to. Not again. Though it does make me feel rather cold-hearted.
I can't remember if I had anything else to say or not, heh. There are 2 potentially big issues I am worrying about right now, combined with my late father, it's just got my thoughts all cloudy. And I'm a little more scatter brained than normal, so bear with me. At least one, well no both really, we'll know about fairly soon. One way or the other.
John - Heh, you are an amusing and kind guy. Thank you for trying your hardest last night for me. I hope you weren't dead on your feet, or bus seat today cause of me. It did mean a lot to have someone to confide in though.
I haven't posted since New Year's. I suck, yeah. I was sick for a while there, had the stomach flu-ish thing that everyone and their sister seems to be getting. Well I have two things to say in this post, so I might as well get started. One, I wanted to thank everyone for their nice comments on my New Year's post. It was a little different being so open and it wasn't the easiest thing to write. I also wasn't sure how people would react to it. But you all were beautiful and wonderfully supportive. As always, the myO community shone through. Thanks guys. It meant a lot.
And second, well I really was trying to be hopeful for 2008 being a great year. Or at least a better one than 2007, which shouldn't have been hard really. Right? But we start off with the flu, and now a few days ago, my father died. Yeah, the one I haven't talked to since April of last year.
I always thought at this time I'd be with my family. But I haven't spoken to them either. So I'm not really sure what I feel. I did the mourning for the loss of my parents in April when I left for good. So yeah, I don't know. I wonder who will get the flag from his coffin... I always imagined it would be me before. And, I'm not going to write anymore.
P.S. Thanks a bunch for the other night Evil-muffin. That talk helped a whole lot. Loves.
I just visited all you wonderful people who've updated and read all your resolutions. I send all of my best wishes and luck for you achieving them. As for myself, I am making no resolutions. I know me, and I know my motivation will wane, heh. And I also know that sometimes life itself gets in the way of what we want. So I make wishes, if you will, something that it would be nice if it could happen. I guess a way of starting off 2008 is taking a look back at the previous year.
This may end up long, so if you don't read it all I'll understand. 2007 was hard for me, so yeah. And although I know I'm sort of expressive about stuff, I don't write this personally often.
2007 in Reflection
2007 was the year of the good, the bad, and the more bad. It admittedly, was a bad year for me. April being one of the worst months in my life. Was 2007 the worst year of my life? Sadly, I can't say it was all together. Just bad in a different way. Most of the bad year's I've had have come from poor health and a fragility in the state of mind. Nearly going blind, panic attacks, and trying to kill myself being right up there. While 2007 started to improve most of those aspects, I lost one of the biggest support structures in my own little world.
My family. And it hurt. It hurt very much. I grew up with my family, mostly my dad's side of the family, constantly around. Majorettes, pageants, parades, competitions, dance, they were all family affairs. The whole family helped with the majorette group, and at parades, competitions and pageants, those not competing helped prepare and maintain those who were. And everyone came to watch the dance recitals and went to the celebration dinner afterward. My cousins and I were even in marching band together.
That's just how my family is. Very active and big into the performing arts. Weekends were spent performing, and the weekdays filled with practice of one sort of another. Some of my earliest memories are from being on stage, or in front of thousands of people at parades. My cousins and I competed in everything together, and against each other a lot of times, heh. But we grew up competing against each other, so we didn't let things like pride get in the way when we beat each other. Especially my cousin Becky. She'd win the crown, I'd be Miss congeniality, she's win the majorette solo, I'd beat her in basic march. We'd partner together in majorette duos a lot as well. Years of growing up together and learning to twirl together made us an amazing pair.
So the point of that long winded tirade is to prove my point. My family was always around. They had to be for us to keep up with the pace of our lives. Oh yes, and here's Kim, the world's biggest daddy's girl growing up. He couldn't leave the house to just go to like the 7-11 up the street without me. And although things with my parents had been steadily going downhill for a few years now, the rest of my family was still there. The huge support structure still in place.
The issues with my parents I won't even get into on here. It's far too painful to share and we all know most of the struggles I've had in the last couple of years, so there's no need to beat that bush any longer. So finally, finally 2007 starts to look up. The panic attacks have worn off, my health is far more stable, I've made a decision in what I want to do and start to get motivated again. Then April comes along. And wow, what a way to kill a whole year.
The house fire
It's a strange thing to love and hate a place at the same time. I loved all the family get togethers in that house. Having the family's new year's parties there every year. All the parents getting together to play cards half the night a couple of times a week, while the kids did just about everything we could think of. I cherish those memories. But all my happy memories there are of family get togethers. There are a whole lot of painful memories there, mainly dealing with my 'mother.' And later, both my parents. I was sad and glad it burned at the same time.
Wishes on this? I dunno, it was horrible but it set in motion things that had been building a long time.
The split from my family
This is the most painful. I love my family, the whole big goofy bunch of morons. I miss them being around, especially around this time of year when I remember how much fun we used to have. As for my parents, I think I might honestly be better off without them.
Wishes on this? While my parents are a huge if... I really would like to start up communication with the rest of the family again. Especially my aunt. The week of the fire I think I got closer to her then than I have in my entire lifetime.
That one was so unexpected. And as I don't have my family to learn on anymore, it makes John's family all the more important to me. And Dawn had always been our biggest supporter. When I have kids some day I really would have liked them to know her. She is and will definitely be missed.
Wishes on this? I'd like to try to become closer to John's parents and remaining 2 sisters.
One thing definitely happened in 2007. I think I finally grew up. I know what you're thinking. Damn girl, you're in your 20's, get on with it already. But ya know, we mature and grow constantly, but there finally comes a time when your willpower gets tested so much and you finally make the choice to survive or break. It's almost like an epiphany. I finally made the choice to be a survivor, no matter what. And although being a survivor has is consequences, you learn to deal with them.
My final wishes for 2008. To not merely survive, but to make the best of what I can with it. As I already posted, I got into the nursing program. Maybe it'll be a sign of a good year to come. Who knows. There are also some people that I was once closer to that I grew apart from in 2007. A friend in RL and a couple of you here. I'd like to think maybe we'll get the chance rekindle a few things. If not the friendship we had before, a new one. I'm not the most optimistic person, but for starting off 2008 right, I hope.
There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, to have despaired and have recovered hope.
Yes, I am still alive, and I'm going to update, hurray! So how has everyone been? Good I hope. I have had exams out the rear the past few weeks. Which is the reason I haven't been around to visit anyone in quite a while. Finals, national exams, my entrance exam. I was a bit worried, that entrance exam was a 4 hour exam... I finished it in 2 and a half hours. o_O It seemed a bit too easy.
They said they'd let us know the first week of January, but I guess they are on the ball, because I got my letter yesterday already. And... I made it in to the nursing program! Huzzah! Oh, that makes me happy and relieves a good bit of tension. I start the program this coming summer. I just hope I don't forget a good bit of my anatomy before then, heh. I'll have to make sure I refresh myself.
So, what have I been doing since finals this past week? Playing lots and lots of Warcraft and watching MASH. Hey I can't help it, I've been WoW devoid for almost a month studying for and taking exams, I have to make up time. =P Lots of Alliance to kill and all that.
So yes, that's my big news for right now. I'll leave on a happy note. Happy winter equinox everyone!
Well, I did have crap to say today, but it can all wait until next time. For now, if everyone here is reading this post, and they haven't visited Red or Raina yet, go visit them now! Why you ask? Both these lovely ladies just turned 21! Huzzah! So please go wish them a wonderful birthday, you only turn 21 once after all!
Happy Birthday Red and Raina! I hope you both have a marvelous day! I love the both of ya. Heh, hey Red, now it's legal, ha ha ha.
Well alright, finally got the M*A*S*H theme going. Took me long enough, I know. It came out very... green. Heh. But hey, it's the Army right? This layout holds up in IE and Firefox, but for you FF users out there, some of the spacing, which I'm meticulous about, is a little off. FF tends to space things out a little too much when you adjust these layouts to fit myO. Eh, but what can you do? Another reason FF ticks me off.
It's good to hear most of you had a good Thanksgiving. Shiny. My day yesterday wasn't bad, like I said in the last post, it was fairly productive. And hey, I got this theme up finally!
Heh, maybe all the green is my subconscious way of fighting winter. =P I hate winter. Though I have to ask... what is the weather like where you are at? Tell me please. It has warmed back up here and the trees are still going through their Fall change. o_O Which is strange cause by the end of November here all the leaves are gone. It is definitely happening a lot later this year.
Oh, and one more thing before I ramble on too much. Thank you guys for still visiting me! I know I've been such a bum around this place and I really do appreciate that you guys still take the time to come here, even when I'm not active. Much love my otaku lovelies! And thank you for 18,000 hits!
Well, as I am home by myself, I'm not celebrating today. I have however been productive. Went to work, worked out, and cleaned my kitchen up all by the afternoon. But celebrate or not, I would still like to wish all of my fellow North American myOers out there a wonderful and happy Thanksgiving! Okay, okay, I'm a little late for our Canadian friends... but you get the idea.
Now, go eat more food for me! =P Enjoy the food, the family or friends, the laughter, and most importantly, the memories.
Bad mood persists. Le sigh. I'm going to bitch. Mind if I bitch? Good cause it's my site. And this may be a long bitching post, just so you know. But I just want to write it all out, ya know.
The big thing I keep beating myself over the head for now is that I got a B on my last anatomy exam. A freaking B. Which I guess I could live with, but if that exam grade pulls my whole class grade down to a B, I'm going to be very ticked. And it's not like I didn't know my stuffs when I went in there. The Jazz just wasn't with me that day, I suppose. I hate it when there's no Jazz.
I'm pretty sure I just kicked the hell out of my last lab exam though and aced it. But now I'm paying. It's a busy and crappy time at work around the holidays, which means they need us to work more. And to take more time for studying, to make up for that grade hopefully, I've been taking the time out of sleep time. Who needs sleep anyway?
And now my second issue to complain about, the freaking work schedule. Usually on Thanksgiving there are only a couple of people working because it's going to be so dead in there and they usually ask for volunteers that want to work it for the extra pay. But guess who got scheduled to work anyway? Yeah me. John and I wanted to go to his family's Thanksgiving this year, well since I can't exactly go to mine since I'm not talking to my family, right? And we haven't been to his in a long time. And since his sister Dawn died, this will be the first Thanksgiving without her. But... now I have to work all week. So much for getting a few days off class, I'll be working straight through the holiday any freaking way. So now John will go to his parents for a few days by himself, and I will be staying home during the holiday by myself. We are both very disappointed about that one.
I could give a crap about the actual holiday part of it all, but I used to enjoy this holiday for the fact that I got to see my whole family for a day. And well, this will be my first Thanksgiving without any of them. Enough to make me cry anyway, and now, I won't even get to see John's family, the only one I have left. I was looking forward to seeing his other sister too. She's coming up from South Carolina for the holiday.
And well just bah, I'm sleep deprived, too strung out on caffeine to make up for it, and in a general bad mood. But Monster energy drinks don't have high fructose corn syrup in them, score! Avoid that stuff like the plague kids, the high fructose corn syrup, not the energy drinks, heh.
Hello my otaku lovelies. See, I told you I'd try to show up around here more often. You love spammers rock, btw. I couldn't ask for a better padawan Raina, though I've been a crappy master of late. And for that, I am very sorry. Gosh, my heart was giving me fits today, bend over and come back up it starts, stand up, it starts. Annoying. This evening was about the worst it's been.
I'm glad a little sharing of Regina sparked some interest in some of you. There are plenty of her videos on [youtube] for those of you who'd like to hear a little more. Our beautiful lady can never have too much love.
I have to wonder if those of you who are quite used to me by now, do you even notice my randomness anymore? My random side track thoughts just the norm?
Anyway, what I really want to share with you was a Harry Potter spoof. Just a little something to bring a smile to your lovely faces and who knows, maybe a little laugh on this fine Monday night/Tuesday morning. Cheers.
Hello again my fellow otakus! What has been going on with me lately? School, work, exams, WoW, the usual for Shanny. Not much else to say, I guess, unless you already know more, heh. Moving on. So how are we all enjoying the back and forth Fall weather? I personally love Fall for the inconsistency of it. That, and I love the color when the trees start to change.
I don't know why I'm posting, I can't think of anything to say, heh. So I'll post some goodies at least. Many of you may not know who Regina Spektor is, so I'm going to introduce you. =P She's a gorgeous Russian borne singer with a very alluring voice. The best plug I can think of, is for you to see for yourself. So watch, you won't be disappointed.