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Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Date: Tuesday. Jan. 01, 2008

Happy New Year my loveliesI just visited all you wonderful people who've updated and read all your resolutions. I send all of my best wishes and luck for you achieving them. As for myself, I am making no resolutions. I know me, and I know my motivation will wane, heh. And I also know that sometimes life itself gets in the way of what we want. So I make wishes, if you will, something that it would be nice if it could happen. I guess a way of starting off 2008 is taking a look back at the previous year.

This may end up long, so if you don't read it all I'll understand. 2007 was hard for me, so yeah. And although I know I'm sort of expressive about stuff, I don't write this personally often.

2007 in Reflection

2007 was the year of the good, the bad, and the more bad. It admittedly, was a bad year for me. April being one of the worst months in my life. Was 2007 the worst year of my life? Sadly, I can't say it was all together. Just bad in a different way. Most of the bad year's I've had have come from poor health and a fragility in the state of mind. Nearly going blind, panic attacks, and trying to kill myself being right up there. While 2007 started to improve most of those aspects, I lost one of the biggest support structures in my own little world.

My family. And it hurt. It hurt very much. I grew up with my family, mostly my dad's side of the family, constantly around. Majorettes, pageants, parades, competitions, dance, they were all family affairs. The whole family helped with the majorette group, and at parades, competitions and pageants, those not competing helped prepare and maintain those who were. And everyone came to watch the dance recitals and went to the celebration dinner afterward. My cousins and I were even in marching band together.

That's just how my family is. Very active and big into the performing arts. Weekends were spent performing, and the weekdays filled with practice of one sort of another. Some of my earliest memories are from being on stage, or in front of thousands of people at parades. My cousins and I competed in everything together, and against each other a lot of times, heh. But we grew up competing against each other, so we didn't let things like pride get in the way when we beat each other. Especially my cousin Becky. She'd win the crown, I'd be Miss congeniality, she's win the majorette solo, I'd beat her in basic march. We'd partner together in majorette duos a lot as well. Years of growing up together and learning to twirl together made us an amazing pair.

So the point of that long winded tirade is to prove my point. My family was always around. They had to be for us to keep up with the pace of our lives. Oh yes, and here's Kim, the world's biggest daddy's girl growing up. He couldn't leave the house to just go to like the 7-11 up the street without me. And although things with my parents had been steadily going downhill for a few years now, the rest of my family was still there. The huge support structure still in place.

The issues with my parents I won't even get into on here. It's far too painful to share and we all know most of the struggles I've had in the last couple of years, so there's no need to beat that bush any longer. So finally, finally 2007 starts to look up. The panic attacks have worn off, my health is far more stable, I've made a decision in what I want to do and start to get motivated again. Then April comes along. And wow, what a way to kill a whole year.

The house fire

It's a strange thing to love and hate a place at the same time. I loved all the family get togethers in that house. Having the family's new year's parties there every year. All the parents getting together to play cards half the night a couple of times a week, while the kids did just about everything we could think of. I cherish those memories. But all my happy memories there are of family get togethers. There are a whole lot of painful memories there, mainly dealing with my 'mother.' And later, both my parents. I was sad and glad it burned at the same time.

Wishes on this? I dunno, it was horrible but it set in motion things that had been building a long time.

The split from my family

This is the most painful. I love my family, the whole big goofy bunch of morons. I miss them being around, especially around this time of year when I remember how much fun we used to have. As for my parents, I think I might honestly be better off without them.

Wishes on this? While my parents are a huge if... I really would like to start up communication with the rest of the family again. Especially my aunt. The week of the fire I think I got closer to her then than I have in my entire lifetime.

Dawn's death

That one was so unexpected. And as I don't have my family to learn on anymore, it makes John's family all the more important to me. And Dawn had always been our biggest supporter. When I have kids some day I really would have liked them to know her. She is and will definitely be missed.

Wishes on this? I'd like to try to become closer to John's parents and remaining 2 sisters.

Final Thoughts

One thing definitely happened in 2007. I think I finally grew up. I know what you're thinking. Damn girl, you're in your 20's, get on with it already. But ya know, we mature and grow constantly, but there finally comes a time when your willpower gets tested so much and you finally make the choice to survive or break. It's almost like an epiphany. I finally made the choice to be a survivor, no matter what. And although being a survivor has is consequences, you learn to deal with them.

My final wishes for 2008. To not merely survive, but to make the best of what I can with it. As I already posted, I got into the nursing program. Maybe it'll be a sign of a good year to come. Who knows. There are also some people that I was once closer to that I grew apart from in 2007. A friend in RL and a couple of you here. I'd like to think maybe we'll get the chance rekindle a few things. If not the friendship we had before, a new one. I'm not the most optimistic person, but for starting off 2008 right, I hope.

There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, to have despaired and have recovered hope.

- George Eliot

Because we demand more Firefly

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