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Thursday, March 5, 2009

Men Overheard

Boyfriend: You know how when you have four babies it's quadruplets and when you have three it's called triplets, what's it called when you have two? A couple? A few?
Girlfriend: Er, twins!
Boyfriend: Oh yeah. Well done.


"She put her head under the water and when she came up she looked like an otter. A cute little otter in my bath!"


Boyfriend: I wish I could swim in a pool of coins so I could smell like a robot.
Girlfriend: Er, why?
Boyfriend: Because then if I stood behind someone they'd think I actually was a robot!


"They should have paper aeroplane day. It would be so good just making them and throwing them."


"When I like a girl, my tactic is not talking to them. It hasn't got me a girlfriend yet though."


Bloke: What star sign are you?
Girlfriend: Sagittarius.
Bloke: *Looking confused* isn't that someone who doesn't eat meat?
Girlfriend: No, that's a vegetarian.
Bloke: Oh. So what do you call someone who eats meat, then?


Bloke 1: Mate, the air tastes well fresh today.
Bloke 2: I prefer polluted, to be honest.
Bloke 1: This is polluted. Fresh air's like cow poo.


Boy: Remember how at Cornwall the sea reminded me of 7-Up?
Girl: Yeah...
Boy: Imagine if the sea tasted that good!


"Lipgloss looks like lips have been spat on."


"Are these beef or steak sausages?"


Bloke: *Scratching his balls and then sniffing* I love the smell of my balls.
Girlfriend: Why?
Bloke: I don't know, it's kind of like old books...

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Wednesday, March 4, 2009

   Custard Creams!!!

I love Custard Creams =) But I don't like it when they drop into my cup of tea! GRR!!!

I'm listening to this song on repeat again... 'America's Suitehearts'. One day, I will get bored of it, but I don't appear to be bored of it, yet.

Since I've listened to it on repeat for about 4 days now.

And that is not an exaggeration =S

Anyway, thank you for your comments! I nearly said 'reviews', then =S I'm spending too much time on fanfiction.net, haha!! I will get around to commenting you all back one day, but for now, I just want to get back into my normal routine of posting regularly XD

Oh! I've just remember I didn't put up last week's 'Men Overheard' =( I dunno where the magazine is now... Damn. I'll put up this week's tomorrow ^^ That's if I don't have anything to rant about... Hmmm.

I WILL put them up XD Haha.

Work last night was poo. I'm not going into details... But Manager Matt pisses me off, as does Ben. Tonight I'm working with Matt again, so I'll be even more pissed off, AND I'm working with Dale, who I can't stand and he pisses me off.


Work tomorrow night should be alright, though. I'm on shift with Frankie, who is lovely, haha. And I think it might be Dave running the shift. Which would be cool XD

My kittykat, Smudge, has been ill over the past couple of days. She's been real sick, so if she keeps being sick, I'm going to take her to the vets =(

She also go into bed with me this morning XD I think she was saying: "MUMMEH! WAKEY WAKEY! SMUDGE WANTS SOME NOM NOM!"
I.e, she wanted food.

But she kept sneezing, bless her =( It was quite cute XD

Erm... I don't really have anything to say, so...


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Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I'm sorry?

Like.... REALLY, REALLY sorry.


Well, the good news is that I deleted my MySpace and Facebook.

The bad new is that I got a new DeviantArt account, and I have a Windows Live Space to keep... I haven't blogged on my Windows Live Space for about a week, actually =S

Erm, admittedcly, I've been spending more time on fanfiction.net and MSN...

And TheOtaku *hangs head in shame*


I have not been blogging on TheO, so you haven't really missed anything XD I've just been submitting a few things...

Well... A lot of things... Like fanfictions... E-cards, my first fanart for about 5 years (that's an exaggeration... LOL), shoddy wallpapers... Oh! And I have my lovely quiz up ^^

I might have mentioned that in a post before, though. I can't remember.

I want to make a new quiz, but I haven't the time or energy =(

And then there's the fact that it might not even get approved. Though, the one I have up did... Obviously =S

If I do make a new one, and it gets approved, they better fucking not change all my spelling to the American spelling of words! GRRR!

I have a headache =(

I also have work later on tonight.

I also have a fanfiction open that I really must go and finish.


But first! I shall change my theme. Oh, yes...

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A Lot Of 'Men Overheard'

Man one: Why are you eating a potato?
Man two: It's a pear.
Man one: Are you sure?
Man two: Yes.
Man one: *Leans in closer for a better look* It looks like a potato.


Bloke: What the Hell, is that a tampon?
Girl: No, that's a balloon.


Boyfriend: No one looks the same in the morning though because they have their tired face on.
Girlfriend: Their tired face?
Boyfriend: Yeah, it's all droopy and stuff because their face hasn't set yet. You don't look the same during the day as you do in the morning.
Girlfriend: So my face is droopy in the morning?
Boyfriend: No, it just hasn't set yet.


'You know, if you hold your nose, you can smell through your ears.'


'The pizza's to go in at 230 degrees in a pre-heated oven. Do we have a pre-heated oven?'


Man one: Do you ever mastubate in the shower?
Man two: Oh yeah, all the time. Do you?
Man one: Yeah, I can't get enough. God, if my leg was a vagina I'd be well pregnant by now.


Man one: Mate, when I come in here I always feel like my lungs are being cleaned.
Man two: Really? I just want to eat everything.

(Overheard in Lush)


Man one: Look at Katy Perry's eyes... I could just swim in them.
Man two: Nah, I don't like the green stuff she puts on her face.
Man one: Yeah, but look at her hair, it's so pretty and straight.


Man to the bloke next to him: 'We're just sitting, not even talking... I feel closer to you this way.'


Man one: Mate, have you ever read Men Overheard?
Man two: No, why?
Man one: I think we're missing out.


'I smell like B.O. and popcorn.'


Bloke 1: If I were a woman I think I'd be a bitch.
Bloke 2: How come?
Bloke 1: Because can you really see me going around saying, 'Hiya' and being nice to everyone?
Bloke 2: Yeah, you are a bitch.


Man 1: Mate, that girl's got lovely blonde hair.
Man 2: Yeah, but why has she dyed her roots brown?


Bloke 1: Have you seen Kate in the paper today?
Bloke 2: Oh *looking at paper* who's that, Kate Winslet?
Bloke 1: No, it's Kate Moss, don't you recognise her nipple?


'Even if you got really, really fat I'd still want to be your boyfriend. We'd just have to make sure you never went on top when we were doing it.'


'Why's orange juice called orange juice when it's yellow?'


Boyfriend: I'm glad that scab finally fell off.
Girlfriend: You picked it off.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but still, it was beginning to feel like it was taking over and growing on me, like faeces.
Girlfriend: Do you mean a fetus?
Boyfriend: Whatever. They both come out of the same hole.


Boyfriend: You look nice.
Girlfriend: Thanks.
Boyfriend: Those leggings really bring out your thighs.


Bloke 1: I can't walk into a pub without ordering a pint.
Bloke 2: I know, mate. Otherwise you might as well have just stayed home and had a wank.


'Do you think it could ever get so cold your eyes freeze open?'


Man 1: You know how you can spoon?
Man 2: Yeah?
Man 1: Do you think you can fork?
Man 2: I think so. Put your arms up.
Man 1 Man 2: We're forking!
Man 1: Dude that sounds wrong.

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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Apologies, and 'Men Overheard'

I'm soooo sorry for not posting anything... I'm no longer going to say "oh, I'll post on this day or that day" anymore. If I post, I post. If I don't, I don't.

New theme! There is more to the background, but it's so big it's cut off... Haha.

Here's last week's 'Men Overheard' - because I haven't bought the magazine this week that has it in =(


Man 1: Why don't we get Revels?
Man 2: No way, Revels are dangerous, there's always a risk.
Man 1: Oh yeah, the coffee one. [pause] Play it safe, let's get a glaxay.


Man 1: Dude, push your belly button right in with your finger.
Man 2: OK... Oh my God, it makes your bits vibrate!
Man 1: Did you need to shout that out?


Bloke 1: If you had to choose, would you go for spaghetti hoops or Batman shapes?
Bloke 2: Don't they just taste the same?
Bloke 1: Well, yeah...


'Mate, what's with those headphones? It'd be like sticking a dildo in your ear.'


'I really want to lick something. I haven't licked anything in ages.'


'When I have a poo I lean to the left and it comes out quicker!'


Boyfriend: Look at that massive puddle over there!
Girlfriend: That's a river.
Boyfriend: Are you sure?
Girlfriend: Yes, that's why there are boats on it.


Bloke 1: I like to keep my nails long but since I started working they keep breaking.
Bloke 2: Mate, you should try some Nivea hand cream.


Man 1: I'm going to message him on Facebook chat and say 'Suck my ghouls'.
Man 2: Yeah! Same here. Wait, how are you going to spell ghouls exactly?


'It's like they got all the tastes in the world that were left over and called it sandwich spread.'


Man 1: Oh mate, it stinks of books in here.
Man 2: I know, it's gross.
Man 1: Can we leave? I feel a bit sick.


'I had the nicest banana today. As I was eating it I thought how much you'd like it so I went back and got you one.'

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Friday, January 23, 2009

   Men Overheard

Later than I'd expected, but here it is =)
(Note: They're all different men - not the same blokes over and over again XD)


Man One: Dude, I've got that T-shirt.
Man Two: Where did you get it?
Man One: TK Maxx.
Man Two: Me too. I just didn't want to say first in case you got yours in Paris.


Man One: I'll give you a fiver if you wee on that statue.
Man Two: I'll do it for a tenner.


Man One: Imagine if your teeth could talk. How weird would that be?
Man Two: Yeah, then your wisdom teeth would come in and be like, 'You meddling kids!'


'Why does it say 40 denier tights on the box if there are only three pairs in there?'


'All men just want sex and a sandwich.'


Bloke One: Why do people keep old, dead batteries?
Bloke Two: Just in case, You never know when you might need them.
Bloke One: But what's the point?
Bloke Two: You just never know.
Bloke Three: Yeah, they might come in handy one day.


'Mate, you know when you die, what happens to your MySpace?'


Man: What's the difference between a nursery for kids and a garden nursery?
Girl: A nursery is for children and a garden nursery is for plants.
Man: Oh, I thought a garden nursery was a kids' nursery with a garden.


Man: You smell nice.
Girlfriend: Ah, thanks.
Man: You smell like you, but cleaner. I could just sit here sniffing you.


Boyfriend: Wouldn't it be amazing if they put food colouring in the clouds?
Girlfriend: It wouldn't work.
Boyfriend: Why not? It would be nice to look at bright pink and purple clouds.
Girlfriend: I think when it rains it might kill a few plants.
Boyfriend: *Looks thoughtful* Oh yeah. But it would look nice first.


'Stop making a mushroom out of a molehill.'


Man: If everybody on Earth died and you had to choose one animal to be friends with for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Girl: A duck?
Man: That's rubbish. I'd chose a baby elephant. I could ride it and ram things.

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Thursday, January 22, 2009


I'll do my BIG news first.

Well, it's not really that big. But it's fairly big.

I passed my Theory Driving Test =D
I was worrying about it so much... But I ended up passing XD

All I need to do now, is book and pass my Practical Driving Test, and I'll be set to go on the road alone >=D


I apologise for not posting very often... I've really had nothing to say XD

So, my posts on Mondays (when I actually do them XD) will be 'Stand-Up Comedy Post Day'. Where I turn into Emma The Comedienne, and make you all giggle (hopefully).

Fridays... Will be 'Men Overheard Post Day' - where I write down things that men have been overheard saying... And boy are they some of the funniest things alive. I'm going to be getting them from a magazine - it's called 'More', if anyone wants to know. Back page. XD

So, tomorrow will be the first day of 'Men Overheard'.

Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays will be random post day.

Saturday and Sundays - I probably won't post.

Anyway... I'd best be off. I have a celebratory oneshot fanfiction to write XD

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Y'know, it's hard to do a post when you've got nothing to say.

This is why I haven't been posting XD

Nothing to say...

Nothing going on...

Oh, other than the fact that my dear Grandfather has now been arrested. Thank the fucking Lord.

If they release him, though, he's gonna go ape-shit crazy and probably murder my entire family.

I am not joking. He probably will.

On a happier note...


Oh wait, there is no happier note.

I bought some CD's and a DVD the other day.

This is how exciting my life is.

I need a boyfriend. But no fucker wants to go out with ME, lol.

Never mind...

My giant snails have gown! Admittedly, they're not GIANT giant, yet... But they have reached the size of a big garden snail =D

When I checked up on them this morning, Gary had disappeared, and Bryan had his head shoved through some lettuce, munching away at it.

Bam is licking the floor.
Or, he was.
He's not now.

I'm not getting Bam castrated. As mad and hyper as he is... His balls will be staying. Even they are huge and furry. And even though he likes to rest them on my feet (!).

The vet said (when I took him to have his jab, and get his wormer) that they often lose rabbits under anaesthetic. So I immediately thought "not a chance".

Bam will be left to rest his balls on my feet some more...
I dunnp why he does it. But it's really weird =S And they're furry. He doesn't hump my feet, he'll just sit on them, and rest his balls on them =S
Bloody weirdo.

I drew a picture of me and Bam, actually! In anime! It's up in my portfolio, if anyone wants to take a gander at it...

I must go. My Dad is home, and I need to talk to him about this business...
Not Bam resting his balls on my feet XD


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Friday, January 9, 2009


I saw the best thing on TV the other night.

It was an advert for 'comparethemarket.com' (where you can compare different prices, quotes and shit).

Well, the advert was actually this meerkat, saying how people were going to 'www.comparethemeerkat.com' for car insuarance quotes...

I do hope they know that, by making that advert, the company is going to get more people comparing meerkats?

I went and compared a meerkat.

It was a very good price.

It liked to play frisbee in London.

So, if you want the best price for a meerkat, I urge you to visit:


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Wednesday, January 7, 2009


I meant to say somethign in yesterday's post, but I completely forgot XD

Adam actually messaged me!
As in, Adam, the creator of TheO!
Because, I sent him a message asking if us people in England could order the premium status on TheO (you have to pay in Dollars, y'see... And er, we don't use Dollars XD)
And he actually messaged me back saying I could pay by PayPal or an international credit card!
I don't have a credit card...
But I think my debit card is international!
I'm with Lloyds bank, and they're forever telling me how I can use my card abroad and shit (not that I'm ever going to go abroad... They just like reminding me, just in case I've forgotten). So maybe it'll work?
Otherwise, I'll use PayPal =)

Bam the rabbit has to go to the vets tomorrow... To get his Mixy jab, his wormer paste... And I need to see if he can have is balls snipped off...

Because they are ridiculously big.
Honestly, you can hold him up, and they'll just be dangling there, staring at you.
Not that you needed to know that...

Oh, my driving!
I have my Theory Driving Test booked for the 22nd of this month...
So that's something I can look forward to failing XD

I might be working until midnight tonight... But I dunno yet...
Dave asked me last night that I could stay until midnight with him, and get a lift home (because some men are coming to do work to the front doors of the shop), AND get paid overtime for it, or I can get my parents to pick me up at 11...

I like Dave.

Ok, that was a random statement.

I'm going to add more to it.

I like Dave enough to stay an extra hour at the shop with him. I wouldn't do it for anyone else. But I dunno if I am going to stay until midnight...

It'll be quite interesting, I suppose XD

And I could always do with the extra money =/

I'll say yes.

Talking of money, I have more money than I thought I did! I went to the bank yesterday, and took 10 out, and I have like, 611 left in my bank account! =O I thought I had like, 400-500 left XD So that was a plesant surprise...

I haven't really been buying anything, though... I'm really going to save up now, for my better life far far away...

... Ok, I made the last bit up XD

But I really am saving up. I have a savings account, too, and I have 30 from my main bank account going into the savings one every month... I thought have about 120 in the savings one, now, because it hasn't been going for that long...

So basically, if I save up in both accounts, I will be super-rich, and will be able to afford all the tattoos I desire XD

It's been snowing again today...

I have an itchy foot.

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