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Thursday, June 2, 2005

So fucked up.
Okay, so first, I still think that I will NEVER trust guys again. No shit, your all cheaters, admit it.

Im so tired on this shit. First, Im gonna break up with my guyfriend. No matter where why or how but I will. Second thing: Our summerbreak starts on saturday, we have the last schoolday on saturday, and we, me and my very best friend, was supposed to go shopping tomorrow to get new clothes and make-ups and all fun stuff. Useful or not. Then: NOW SHES SICK!! I cant belive it this cant happen, not even to me!! I must be the worlds unluckiest person!!
*breaths deep* Remember the ulcer..... Goddamn Im angry.... I wanna beat someone up just to show how furious I am....
Besides, Juho lies. He tells me he doesent smoke anymore, but he DOES. He always says 'Yeah, I havent smoke in five' or 'four' or 'six days'. But then, he smells like it. Uh I just hate this.... I hate our school, specially. Im so happy I have only two days left of that hell....

Im going. Have a..... NICE day.

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Wednesday, June 1, 2005

Fight. Again.
Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

Okay so I and Juho argued, once again, surprise.

He was depressed again. I tried my best to make him feel better. It didnt help. So, I told him this:
"C'mon! Okay, fine. You couldnt care fuck ofg my depress, so starting today, I wont care aboute yours. Okay!?"
Well he just said "Ok".
Next day, meaning today, He started speaking aboute hes depression again. I was as bitchy as I can and made him quiet. The plan goes on: We're going to go to the city at frieday with my best friend (FINALLY just two of us!) And our summerbreak starts on saturday. Well. Juho said hes going to the city at friday too. We wont tell anything that we're going too. So when he sees us at the city, we're gonna be like 'Oh, we didnt know your here too' or 'Hey, were kinda hurry with curing my depress so we gotta go.... Bye!'
*laughs insanely* Soon, I will be single and FREE from all this love anf guy shit!! YES!! Free!! Honestly I dont want any guy on my life anymore!! Im sorry, all of you I care aboute and who cares 'bout me, but theres few things that I know and that has destroyed our relationships so..... IM FREE!! Fucking free and I will trust guys next time when Im 40!! Im so sick and tired on this life and that fugly cow (my mom) screaming at me and telling me 'your fat, your ugly, your satanist' And that pisses me off SOOO bad.
So, every guy who loves me or at least cares: We can always be friends. But Im sick and tired on these tricks that guys keep playing with my heart, and Im not gonna fall into it anymore.

I can seem to be a little angry, but you know what? Im not. Im FURIOUS.

Dont fucking phunk with my heart!

Have a nice day.

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Sunday, May 29, 2005

A fight

We had a fight.

I told him Im depressed, and he said that hes gonna come to protect me from my mom (I first fought with her, she started calling me names etc. Its not the point here!) And I told him I will be dead before he gets here. He just said 'Dont fucking think like that' And I just asked 'Do you think your better than me'.
This is whats wrong with us: When Im depressed, he couldnt care less. When hes depressed, I try to do everything to make him feel better. Today he text messaged me and asked 'How do you feel today'. Fuck him. He'd better care aboute my depression.
So. Supertoilet, I thank you. I was thinking aboute that myself too. Tho my best friend said 'No' but hey, she still looks like a 10 years old, so what can she say? Thats right. NOTHING. Its my life, and I just want to get rid of him. I havent been free since 11 years old because guys like my nature, which is annoying. I want FREEDOM!! I always had at least someone who had a crush on me.... I just want to be free - even for a while.

So. For now, I gotta deal with few things so..... See you guys later. I wont be on too much next week (My moms a slut and you can gess the rest *Laughs insanely*) So. Have a nice week. Adios, and Viva la Difference!

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Saturday, May 28, 2005

Damn it....
*sigh* I cant dumb him. You know why? I will excplaine it to you.

I have told you many times how we are so alike. Well. You know I have tried suicide secerval times too. So has he.
Once, I was bored and started textmessaging him. We talked a while, then I asked what he was doing. Hes answer was 'Im standing in a field a gun in my hand'.
It was clear what he was trying. He told it to me too.
We're much alike. We both live for only one person. Without that person, I wouldnt be alive anymore. Same thing with him. As my guardian angel, its not your business who it is. But for him..... its me. Im the reason hes alive. He said it himself. Hes friends have said so. So if I leave him, I will kill him. In hes msn reads 'Johanna is my life, if I lose her you will lose me because we will go different places after life'. Isnt it clear? I would leave him if he wouldnt be so close to kill himself.... And this feels desperate. I want to help everyone, tho I know I CANT help everyone..... I just want to be there for everyone. As for now, I gotta hide my feelings from him, and now matter how much I hate it, I gotta pretend to be inlove. Life is just a game. When he feels better, I will leave him. Or waite he leaves me. Life is hard. But we gotta handle it.

As my life out here.... I hate it. And he doesent make it any better. I have my reasons why I cant make a suicide, if I told you you would laugh, think Im crazy or just not understood, but I cant. I hate this. I.... hate this. Because everyone here calls me bat. Because everyone here hates goths. Because everyone thinks that goth and satanist are the same thing. Because everyone keeps telling me Im ugly. Because everyone keeps pissing me off. Because everyone out here hates me. Because I hate everyone out here.

I dont feel depressed. I feel.... Angry. Desperate.... I feel Milessannes feelings. Tho I dont mind. Milessanne and Angelica.... make me understand life better. They make me understand my feelings. And as they do, Im sorry to say but I cant love anymore. Not the way I used to. I do love but.... I never know if its real or not. I never know if theyre mine or someone others feelings. And I gotta live in this unknownledge.... Is it right? Maybe not. But its my way to live. At least Im alive. I only know one thing.... I love one person in this life. And its enough.... I want Milessanne and Angelica out of me. Because they have their beloved ones too..... and I know both of them. And as they love them, I love them too. Its not right..... Its not me....

I dont think even half of you understoods what Im talking aboute. But you dont have to. Its just the dark, sad, hiding, real me. Not the happy one who uses to hide the real me. Finally.... I really am me. Im not hiding anymore. And you gotta used to my depression. Tho you shouldnt mind it. It will soon turn into anger..... And anger will fade away.

As for my schoolmates who call me bat....
"Go on, call me a bat. But remember one thing..... Some bats can transform into a vampire"

Have a nice day.

Go you!
You are the average darker personality. You dress
dark, act dark, probably participate in some
darker religions or cults too. You are
fascinated with the void and stranger things.
You dont give a shit how they make fun of you.
They are wrong. You enjoy scaring people
because you are different and you love it. You
enjoy making people squirm. Unfortunatly this
"fun" comes at a price; you give up
your parents trust and lose alot of friends to
join a group of people just like you... they
will be your friends! Good luck out there!

What type of person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Friday, May 27, 2005

At the city....

YES!! Finally one day withou him, only with my friend ^^ It was fun, one girl in our school, two years older than me, we were out a whole day! Well, her two kidsisters joined us later but it was still one, the other is year younger than me and the youngest were 7 but their cool still. Tho I hate kids..... But shes cool.
Okay so..... We had one. I got 3 mangas more (They dont sell Tsubasa 4 anymore: CAN YOU BELIVE IT!? I havent read it, I had to move from 3 to 5 straight away!! No fair!!) So one was Tsubasa volume 5, and two Wallflowers: 1 and 2. (The guys are SO hot ^^) So. Happy time.
Okay well I gotta go so.... Have fun night and I'll be back. See ya!

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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I've found it ^^
YES! This is the BG I have been looking for: Yuki and Tohru! I mean look at it could you find any cuter bg? Its so cute...... AWWW!! I wanna cry thats so sweet!! ^^ Im gonna print it and put it on my wall..... Dammit its CUTE!
So, as you may see my site changed its looks ^^ Now, it disturbs me when the Banner had different colours than the colours in my site..... No, waite, Momos site has the same colours.... No I do wanna give it up ^^;; Dammit!
Well, now I gotta change my avi. I've found few Sakura pics. Just gotta choose from em....
Oh well. I gotta get a new lay so is there anyone who can make lay outs peoples....? Tho THAT one is gonna be my PCs wallpaper. Thats for sure. Okay any volunteers to make me lay out...? ... ... ... ANYONE!?

Oh well. Gotta go find some new stuff, so..... See ya all.

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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Awwwww its thunder and Im scared of lighting...... Dammit....
Well hows peoples doing..? Im just normal. Im pretty fine as nothin gs going so wrong.... 'cept the thunder. Im changing my sites looks, with another charater, not this. Yes, I have more than one. Just cant find any good NGE stuff. If ya guys have ideas, let me know *bows* Thank you.
So, Im changing my sites looks to Fruits Basket.... Hope you will like it ^^ What do you think aboute the one thats up now? I will maybe change it okay, but watch that till I do so.
Now I gotta go. Gonna search for new stuff. Adios, Amigos!

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Sunday, May 22, 2005

Once again! ^^; Eh. Okey I found these from google so....

Take the What Manga
Stereotype Are You?
quiz, by Rachel the Great.

You are Yuuki Miaka

You love food, boys, and hate studying. However, you are tying to make your family happy by tyring your hardest to do things that are too hard. Often, when things get really tough, you depend on your friends to bail you out. You trust in others to do what is best, even when they often dissappoint you. Your greatest need is loyalty, and it is also your greatest asset.

Take the "What Magic Girl are you?" Quiz

Funny, eh. So well..... Morning peoples. My throat is little better. I can even talk now ^^ Yay.
So. I still gotta go to school tomorrow, no matter how sick I am. I cant be off from school anymore.... shit.....
Oh well.... I gotta go again peoples. I gotta go to clean up the damn house so I see you..... well. Dunno really when I will see you next time. See ya when I see ya.

Oni-me no Kyo of Samurai Deeper Kyo
Which of the Samurai Deeper Kyo Cast Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

Im that bad....? How ever *grin*

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Saturday, May 21, 2005

Found these quizzes from Amerills site.....

Nameless Character
A nameless character, someone lost behind the mask,
another type of main character...you are
forgotten within yourself, lonely and yet
trying to comfort others who are in pain as
you. You seem to wear a mask so they cannot see
you sad, so you wear the mask to lock away the
true pain inside...but one day, you will be
able to take off the mask, and live in the

What Type Of Anime Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Which InuYasha Character are you most like?
by Deji-chan

I have always hated Kikyo, but now I get it WHY: They say I AM Kikyo.... O_o Thaaaats interesting....
Okay, my throat hurts like hell. It brings tears to my eyes even when I just breath, it hurts so damn much..... Damn it...... And it doesent stop no matter what I do.... I have took some medicines, drinked tea, ate eucalyptus candies, and it doesent stop..... c'mon I want this to pass, it hurts!!!

Okay well. I gotta go. My friend wants to come to this comp.... *mutter* Oh well. I gotta go anyways. I just got an inspiration... Dont ask ^^;; Tee hee. Okay peoples I'll be on later. So see ya guys. Have a nice day....

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Friday, May 20, 2005

Look, first, supertoilet, I get so mad because he didnt stand by me. It annoyns me. Alcohol is more important to him than me. Once I told him aboute my depression and that I werent able to get a vine bottle to him because of my mom, he cursed the vine bottle and for my depression the only comment was 'dont be so negative'. I AM negative, start getting used to it!

Now aboute this day..... We made the fight up. Tho I hate myself for that.... Cat belive I felt sorry for him....
Well. The thing that affected much was that he was going to do suicide last night. It was because of hes fam. He told me he didnt cause of me.... *sigh* shit..... Once again I dunno what to do or think....

Im going now..... Got things to do...... See you all....

You are Black
What color are you? (Anime Pictures)

brought to you by Quizilla

Oh yeah: Visit poor friend of mine, Grinner (girl from our school ^^)

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