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myOtaku.com: Gene Outlaw


Thursday, March 9, 2006


It is time for some more New Rules
New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At ExxonMobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please, the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is that they would both steal French fries from a baby.

New Rule: Defenders of the war in Iraq must stop comparing it to the American Revolution. Yes. The only thing the Iraqi leadership has in common with our founding fathers is that neither of them used deodorant. Now, the sight of Iraqis having a constitutional convention has put a lump in the throat of Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney, all of whom have compared the American patriots of 1776 to our soldiers in Iraq today, mostly because they're using the same equipment.

Let's just mention a few ways this analogy breaks down. One: the American Revolution was a home-grown rebellion fought with guerilla tactics against an occupying army of foreigners and mercenaries. Okay, that is exactly what's going on in Iraq. Oh, except for one thing: This time, WE'RE ENGLAND!

You need proof? The only people on our side? England. Turns out, home field advantage, very important in wars. Also, a huge difference when it came to the big, basic issues. Our founding fathers were all pretty much on the same parchment. It wasn't like Jefferson was for representative democracy but Adams and Madison were ultra-orthodox clerics chanting the Bible.

But Iraq, you know what Iraq is like? Okay, take Pat Robertson, put him in the desert...oh, that's good. The American Revolution was nothing like what's going on in Iraq. Our founding fathers didn't have thousands of years of bitter feuds and grudges between them. Franklin's people had not gassed Hamilton's people.

Our framers were a homogenous group comprised only of white, land-owning males. Today, we would hardly call that a constitutional convention. We'd call that a Republican Convention.

"We, the people" did not include women, blacks, gays or Indians. It took another 200 years to become "We, the Village People..." Or, as Ben Franklin said at the signing, "Who are we forgetting?"

But I have not lost hope for Iraq. The sons of Mesopotamia do have greatness in their history. And although the obstacles are many, there is one thing that binds the Sunni, the Shiite and the Kurd: they hate the f*** out of us.

New Rule: Since only 15% of Americans said they believe in evolution in a recent poll, America must change its name to the United States of Jesus Christ. And our motto, from E Pluribus Unum to "I'm With Stupid." The good news for the nation: if we get any stupider about science, we'll forget how to cook crystal meth.


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