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• 1988-05-02
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• 2005-09-23
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• US Army Reservist
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• Casey Hengstebeck
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• Army enlistment
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• March 12 1997
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• Neon Genisis Evangelion, Bleach
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• Become a surgeon
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• Marksman
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Tuesday, March 7, 2006
Welcome to my New Rules
New Rule: President Bush has to stop saying that, "before 9/11, we thought oceans could protect us." No, we didn't. Maybe in your world, the oceans were like America's moat—and you were king, and Condie was a Nubian princess. But in our world, we knew that our enemies, evil though they may be, had figured out boats and flying machines.
New Rule: This year, the Oscar gift bag is worth $110,000! Rich movie stars don't need that kind of clutter. Between the jewels, the shoes, the iPods and the skis, there's barely room in Tom Cruise's closet for Tom!
New Rule: Ice dancing is not a sport. Take away the skates and the sequins and it's just a public wife-beating. If you saw this happening in a trailer park, you'd call the cops.
New Rule: You can't wear a Che Guevara tee-shirt with your designer jeans unless you're trying to be ironic. One is a symbol for impoverished workers. The other was sewn by them. You want to support the poor people in Latin America? Buy more coke.
New Rule: If your people are so desperate mannequins make them horny, there's something wrong with your religion. A few months ago, police in Iran confiscated 65 mannequins for being too sexy. Guys, I'm sorry, but it's the mannequins that are supposed to have the sticks up their asses. In the free West, we don't have impure thoughts about inert hunks of tit-shaped plastic. We have Britney Spears.
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