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Friday, March 17, 2006
Here are more New Rules
New Rule: Stop saying "Brokeback Mountain" lost Best Picture because of a homosexual backlash. The only homosexual backlash in Hollywood involves an actual homosexual literally hitting you on the back with a lash. Besides, if "Brokeback Mountain" taught us anything, it's that there's nothing wrong with coming in number-two.
New Rule: Consenting adults, not governments, must be the ones to decide what constitutes a marriage. But if you applaud that for gay marriage, you have to applaud it for polygamy. Which comes from "poly" meaning "many" and "gamy" meaning a musky odor in the bedroom. Now, by now, I'm sure you've heard how the Mormons are upset about a new HBO show called "Sex With the Entire City." But, you know, Mormons should just be happy that Scientology came along and made them the second-weirdest.
But, for everybody else, if you really are for the principle that all families don't have to look alike, then you have to admit polygamy is hot! And if you take the husband out, it's even hotter! That's right. I'm not only for polygamy, I'm for gay polygamy. Okay, lesbian polygamy. But, really, I'm for any sexual perversion the Swedes can dream up and the Japanese can make disgusting.
New Rule: TV has to stop trying to make white people more paranoid than they already are. This rule is inspired by the shows "Threshold" and "Close To Home." All the new fall dramas are based on the premise that the suburbs aren't filled with desperate housewives, they're filled with serial killers and aliens. Please, TV, stop freaking out the people in the 'burbs. That's how George Bush got elected! Folks, your neighbor isn't a serial killer; you're not going to be invaded by aliens; and your wife isn't fucking the gardener. Well, two out of three ain't bad.
New Rule: Stop making those motorized scooters look so damned fun! When I see those TV commercials with old people zipping around, it makes me wish I was paralyzed with Type-2 diabetes.
New Rule: Pizza joints must stop hanging pictures of Z-level celebrities on their walls. It doesn't impress me that 12 years ago, "21 Jump Street's" Richard Grieco stopped in for a slice. Especially since he's working there now. Cruel. Poor Richard. Give him a job, somebody!
Finally, New Rule: Condoms are not sex toys. Trojan has released a new line of condoms that vibrate and heat up. Look, condoms keep people from getting AIDS and the clap. Haven't they done enough? You want to improve condoms? Invent a wrapper guys can open before they lose their hard-on.
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