Saturday, March 25, 2006

New Rules, the best part of waking up
New Rule: When President Bush when President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart.

New Rule: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You're not the chief communications officer of the Starship Enterprise. You're a shoe salesman asking your mom if you can bring over your laundry. If I wanted to overhear every tedious scrap of brain static rattling around in your head, I'd read your blog.

New Rule: You can't be as tired as we are of you. The latest excuse for Bush Administration foul-ups is that top members of the White House staff are physically and emotionally exhausted. ["aw" from the audience] Hmm. If there was just some sort of stress-relieving activity that could be performed right there in the Oval Office...

New Rule: The Republican and Democratic frontrunners for president in 2008 have to stop making me throw up until at least 2007. This week, the Republicans had a straw poll for the 2008 presidential election. 2008? The Democrats still have work to do losing the midterms. Diebold hasn't even started printing the false ballots!

And President "McDumbass" still has three more years of bloopers, boners and practical jokes!

But an interesting thing happened at this straw poll. Senator John McCain, the man the Vietnamese couldn't crack in torture chambers, got up and said, "Don't vote for me. Vote for George Bush, even though he can't run again." Wow, this guy is so far up Bush's ass, he can taste the near-beer. Because, in America, if you want the nomination bad enough, we can't just see you eat dirt; we have to watch you lick it off your lips.

And if you're going to win a national election, we're going to need to see some real proof that you're stupid enough to carry Kansas. Sorry, but if you think that issues like creationism or flag-burning or boys kissing are more important than messing up Iraq, the state of health insurance and the evaporating planet earth, then I have two words for you: the Sylvan Learning Center. Okay, that's four words, but the point remains...

The vote that frontrunners McCain and Hillary Clinton have already made very clear they're going after the wedge-issue cement-heads. McCain, who once called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson "forces of evil," has now come out for teaching "intelligent design." That is sad, when smart people have to pretend to be so dumb to get elected.

Hillary - Hillary Clinton is all upset about flag-burning. Really? The valedictorian at Wellesley? The graduate of Yale Law School and the first female in outer space? Is upset about flag-burning?! And not just flag-burning. She's also come out hard against sexy video games and easy access to abortions. Great. What am I supposed to do now on Saturday night?

But if, like Hillary Clinton, America sees you as a true intellectual—and by that, of course, I mean lesbian—you have to smile extra wide when you get fitted for your "I'm with Stupid" tee-shirt. It may look easy, but when you're a politician, it's hard to figure out 'what would soccer moms think Jesus would do' before you answer every question.

So, don't get me wrong. I love idiots. I just don't think they should be in charge. And I'll tell you why. Because the majority of Americans are not idiots. Assholes, yes. But, idiots, no.
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