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Sunday, June 20, 2010

I dont think i have ever wanted to make someone be in so much pain as i do right now, dont want them dead just want them to hurt and know its because i want them to. Really just want someone to listen to what the fuck im saying and not be like OH YOU KNOW NONE BECAUSE OF YOUR AGE. Goodie i aint had time to make as may fuck ups as u but that gives u no right to say im wrong and i cant do thinks like make plans and map them out on my computer, How the fuck you think im going to learn what im doing if im not aloud to. and if iget told i wont make it one more time im going to Choke that person, I lived on my own with no reall house and just my car and no real job and im not dead and im not defeated.... So if i get told that i was wrong for making it and still living one more time im going to make someone stop living. I know what i want and im to the point im not sure i care how iget what i want, i really just want to be left alone, sick of being told im all ways wrong and that this and that. Look im 1 not dead yet, 2. still pushing thro life, 3. have real frineds, 4. have real issues, 5. have goals, 6.dreams and i am a fighter and a serviver and theres nothing thats going to change that beside a Blood suger killing me or maybe stress or myself...but i doubt the myself part because there just too many way to kill myself and im not a big fan of makeing up my mind.... Sigh now im tiered annoyed and kind of sad that my grandmother wont remeber this tomarrow moring because shes been drinking a lot again....and this is what happens just about eveyr night....im so not a fan of ppl that drink, do druges, or hit and yell.... i have no use for them at all and that righ there about covers my famile.... Oh lovely.... ohk hope all is well in eveyrone elses world, and remeber to smile at least once a day because there is one thing of beautie that ur eye will see
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Friday, June 11, 2010

edge of death
SO i have sat on the edge of death a few times now. The times that i have almost sliped in to her blue waters i cant really say i remember. The first time was 7 years ago, when i was dinosed with type 1 diabetes. I was so sick that i really didnt even remeber but bits and pices of the day. i remember the smell of lavender. I rember not feeling anything, not cairing what was happing but when the pain hit it hurts and i reember not caring but just wanitng it to stop. after that those 2 days in childrens hospital in Boston Ma, i have only sliped into the icey waters of death one other time.

Feb,2010 I went in to DKA, it was to the point i couldnt keep anything down and couldnt walk. my vains where so far gone it took several differnt people trying to get ivs in, it was to the point that they had a count down into how long they had till i was past the saving point. again the world slows dowed down and only clips of this or that is all i can really remember. when the blood sugers where down and everthing was back on track all i wanted to do was go to my dog show, i kissed her, i touched her but i never seem to remember her.

On tueseday june,8,2010 I wasnt feeling good and later found at that my pump meter was not working crectly it was reading numbers like 300,290,359.... which was not the true number that my bs was at, so i covered and covered. i felt light headed and kinda acey. I went to bed and dont remeber my gram trying to get me up for lunch, or anything else. My blood suger had droped to 20 and i was unresponsive to anything, my grandparents called 911 and about half hour or so i woke up to the inside of an amblance... I dont remeber talking to my gram at lunch and telling her that i wasnt hungery or anything that really happened.

I have kissed the lips of death and have almost swam in her waters but not on purpes. its never been scary its like a dream you cant get out of, i never understood it but im not scared of it and i cant seem to think that i will ever be. but im just in a little moment when you think about all the times you can really so you almost died and the times that all you can do is think about how quiet it could have been, even tho theres a raw of noice just outside of you.

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Monday, June 7, 2010

if i have one more person pick at me i might take there fucking head off... frineds can pick but family that dont remeber what they say to you when they have gone over the drinking limit need to shut the fuck up, im sick of it....3 months to go god help me...
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My top 10 for hating ppl
1.ppl that have a dog, horse, cat..fish what ever and they cant get them there feed, well dam it work at getting it because that animal is depending on u to be there for them... -.-

2. they all smell funny o.0 lol

3. they are more like a pack of dogs then they want to admit... you toss a new bitch in and theres going to be postering... you toss a new male in well they are like chickens...lol

4. They are more conches about how they feel then others feel

5. they dont think animals come before them...well sorry they do

6. they never really listen

7. they will only help till they really have to work at it

8. they change

9. they hurt

10. they die

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Sunday, June 6, 2010

Rambling ish
I hate people, because people die, people hurt, people cheet and steal and lie and are horrable beings, we hold on and dont let go, we fight but give in when we think we cant keep fighting.

Im not hartless and i know when enough is enough, i get that i cant have a relashion ship with someone that travils like i do, I get that i worry about my frined and want them all where i can watch them, keep them where i can help them when need,

the issue here is that i really care too much, and i cant cope with loss, because its been there too much to many times

i cant stand tall white men hights over 6'0 because i feel like i cant watch them and i know thats to blame on my dad. you can only beat something so manytimes that it get that stupid stuck mode of this + this = this....

I have been told im fat, im not so fuck u,

I have been told i like pain, I dont i hate it and it scares me So fuck you

Im a bitch Yes so what so is the rest of my family

Im not relyabl, yes i am u call me even of i hate u and ill be there So suck that

I talk too much, ya ohk

Im not trust worthy, I keep secrets that store up and i havnt even told the fucking wall them...

I like to hurt things/people, No i dont i hate that and it drivres me nuts

I love my horses and dogs because they care no matter what, they dont judge u, they just want to be taken care of and thats fine by me because i want to take care of something.... Im sick of lossing and sick of being told what i do and dont do, I have watched frinds die i have been there i get it its going to happen one way or another.... and theres nothing i can chage to stop this so im going to be alone and be me with my horses and dogs forever....

my brain is fryed.... i need an off, an excape...a something....sigh

Ohk maybe im done enough so i can go to sleep or shower or something usefull i only have to be up in 5 hours.... lovely -.-

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poem 5
sigh i hatte ppl, for many reasons.... my brain needs an off button
Song:Airplain By:B.O.B

In the night air I pray
That I can look at you
I pray that you’ll know
That I still….

Look there it’s like this
I’m here and there
And I’m not worth trusting
I’m sorry
But there’s no money in staying at home
So traveling is my game
Here and there
I have to keep moving
I know I’m running away
From anything that ever was and would be

I cry myself to sleep
I want you to know
I’m sorry for loving you
I’m sorry for being scared
I just want you to know
As I look at the stars
That I love you

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poem 6...
i know this aint 5 but i have to post 6 first dont ask me why i jsut do....
Song: Te Amo by:Rihanna

I want to scream
Why are you doing this to me?
You think I don’t love you
You think that I wanted to hurt you

I sit in my mind alone and lost
I love talking to you
Till you fall asleep
I love the feel of you
I love that you would try to keep me safe
But you can’t

I sit on the side of this road
Wondering what time it is
Then remember that I don’t have to be there
Because of me
And this is the song I dance to
I spin around and around
Wondering why
Can’t what you know be the truth
Why can’t I just not love you
Why did I let you go……

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Poem ...4 ...,maybe o.o
Song: All around me, By: Flyleaf

In the morning light I sit and think
Of things I could have done
Of things I could have said
And maybe…
Maybe ill
Die in the morning light

Why can’t I get your voice out of my head?
Why do we have to be friends?

This place is like a bad dream
This song pisses me off now
It all dose
As I sit and wonder why

Can’t I still keep you?
Why can’t I be trusted?
What have I done?
Why …
Do I still miss and crave your voice and touch

Why can’t I get your name to go away
Why do they tell me about you?
Why do I care?
I was the one that ended it
Why am I the one sitting her rocking back and forth wishing you’d come back
In the cool morning light

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poem 3 o.o
so i had a through, ill give u the song i write theses things too... x.x wow brillent right...yea so this one is secrets by one republic ....

Shut your eyes tight
And remember those happy times
For I know I can’t stay
For the voice in my head Scream

The things I don’t want to hear
The things that I know lie there
Waiting to eat me one night
And I’m so sorry

I feel that life is a fucked up place
I know I can hide behind all of these fake things
But shhh
I still love you and always will

But there is something in this tail
To be told
And it scares me
I’m running away from me
Not you
But just shut your eyes and remember the good times
And I promises that ill fade away

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Poem 2
i didnt read it so sorry if its shit... -.- i did spell check it lol.........

In this place I sit
With these words to say

Close your eyes
Feel the thirst that you have
The hunger that hangs on the air
Can you feel the power the night has?
Over your hart
Can’t you see that this is the end?
Can’t you see that you can’t escape?

Shut your eyes and try to sleep
Try to have happy little dreams of happy things
For ill be here
Lurking in the shadows
To walk by and have my scent flash over you
I’ll be the wolf on the edge of your dreams

Do you think you’ll escape?
The night air that flows all around you
As your hart tells your brain things
That it don’t want to hear
For the knife is still there
Waiting to be pushed deeper
Waiting for the day
That the white lilies will be laid all over your body

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