Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Therapy Assignment
Just got out of an appointment with my shrink. She told me to write myself a letter about who and how I am now and read it in a year or so. I decided to do it here because I pretty much grew up here and so it's always been my window to the past and I don't see why that should stop.
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Dear Self,

If you're reading this, that means you survived. Congratulations. For us drama queens that's always been a lot easier said than done. Well, maybe drama queens not the right word. Nobody else has ever described me that way and I don't think they ever will. Yes, I'm dramatic. Probably always will be, but I would never call myself a queen... not now I wouldn't anyway. Queen implies domination and control and sophistication. Right now, those aren't qualities I'd say are characteristic of me. No, they're more like coping tools--almost like a split personality I adopt whenever I have to do something I really don't want to. (See? Told you I'm over-dramatic.)

I took the focalin today so I'm kind of stuck in performer mode. I'm not usually this show-offy or composed... Much more sporadic. I wouldn't say neurotic.

But yes: definitely not a drama queen. More of a paranoid, weird, crazy kid. Are you still a paranoid, weird, crazy kid? Or have you matured into a paranoid, weird, crazy adult? Whatever you are now, I desperately hope you're not boring. Or ostentatious. Or complacent. Or rigid. Those are some of the worst things you could be. But honestly it's okay if you're unknown. I've always been deathly afraid of growing up to be a "nobody" but I think parts of me are allergic to fame (although recognition would be nice.)

ANYWAY. Your boyfriend of the time I'm writing this (I won't say names because you probably grew into something beautiful and glorious completely incompatible with him as is our habit) insists that you torture yourself but I don't think so. The majority of me thinks he's not trying to make you feel weak either, though. Logically, I think he's just a man and therefore just doesn't understand that sometimes it's okay and even healthy to cry and even when it's not poking at and dragging you to your favorite store isn't always the answer.

I know you have a tendency to suspect the worst in people and if not people than yourself but no matter what happens you are not broken or defective or tainted in any way and not everybody thinks or will think you are despite those few or many who do.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is its not your fault. I often have trouble believing that and I'll probably struggle with it for quite a long while but I hope by the time you read this you have learned to accept it once and for all.

My schedule mostly revolves around above mentioned boyfriend. Sometimes he's my soul mate, sometimes he's just another stepping stone.

I go back and forth between hating and sympathizing with his parents.

I'm about to go to college in a month. Right now, I expect nothing but that'll probably change in a day or so. I think I'll survive and probably more than survive just a smidgen.

Anyway, I'm starving so I'm going to binge on eggs and cheese and bacon and whatever other heart attack-inducing carbs I can find in the fringe.
Love,
~Belinda
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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

So... I'm really sleepy. Just had a caffeine crash.

Is it bad that I have acid reflux and a caffeine addiction? Probably.

Gonna go to Movie Stop and check out some new animes. It's kind of tough to find anything I like these days though because I have really high standards when it comes to anime and unfortunately most of it sucks.

One can only subsist on tentacle porn and horribly voiced giant robot wars for so long.
Any recommendations?

ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, July 31, 2011

PICTURE STORY TIME, EVERYONE!!!


This is Margaret. As you can see, she's gorgeous. See why I've always been the ugly/butch one in our relationship? Ooh. That was bitter of me. Sorry, it's not my intention to be a brat and I know it's not Margarets fault for being as beautiful as she is, but I have a horrible habit of comparing myself to everyone around me and that's never been healthy for my self esteem.

This is my little sister Valerie in puppy make-up. :) We were on a cruise and they had face-painting so we all got our make up did.

This is what I got.

This is Josh being totally lame and not sitting still so I could take a better picture of him. T.T

This is me trying to be Hispanic for 10 minutes. It didn't work too well because I'm whiter than sour cream but oh well. This is just what happens when I have a bit of foundation a few shades too dark for me and way too much time on my hands. XD

Rob gave me crap last night for not being friends with Margaret anymore. :( *siiigh* I'm really getting tired of these guilt trips. It's not my fault we changed.

Anyway, I'm being called for Sunday lunch/supper. Talk to you all later.
ily
~Belinda
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Thursday, July 28, 2011

Intercept those ex-boyfriend moments that made them ex-boyfriends and rewind them. Baby, press play.
Tell me everything that's wrong with me and call me stubborn when I don't listen.
"Baby, don't be mad. I'm just trying to help. I love you, I swear."
When I'm crying it's my fault for being sad.
When we fight it's my fault for being mad.
I guess we reached the border of You'realwaysright I'malwayswrong.
Well, I'ma need to see a visa or something because unless somebody died and made you God, we're turning around.
I don't need your car or your gas to go anywhere.
Baby, God gave me these legs for a reason other than your admiration.
I'll walk a million miles before I let you carry me if you're gonna dictate my every move.

ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Finally broke down and told Margaret it was over. I really wanted to just slowly fade out of her life and drift into silence so it would hurt less but she wouldn't stop texting me so I had to straight up tell her.

And now she wrote a note to my mom on facebook asking what she did and what the hells going on.

I don't know. I wish she would just give up on me and leave me alone. She doesn't need me, she has other friends-lots of other friends. Hell, I don't even think she likes me anymore. She sure as hell didn't act like it the last time I talked to her when we were still friends.

On a brighter note, I'm eating a cucumber. :D

Thats pretty much how I feel right now.

Registered for college classes today. Having some trouble with some financial aid I was supposed to get but the stupid college people won't apply it to my bill. *le siiiiigh* The wonderful world of mediocrity.

I'm gonna go sneeze and rub my nose now.
Gdaaaaaaaay.
ily
~Belinda
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Saturday, July 23, 2011

This is not just a fight with Margaret. This is permanent. It's over.
She's changed. I changed. I can't be her side kick anymore.

And while I know this is good for me and it was the right decision, it still hurts because I loved her. She was my best friend for thirteen years. We were sisters, comrades, a gay couple without the sex or the gayness.

So now I alternate from not feeling anything to breaking down in tears to having the urge to cut myself to occasionally wondering why I'm still alive.

You have to understand. She was a huge part of my life and now that she's gone there's this huge, gaping void in my life and my heart where she used to be.

And I'm sorry if I'm making anybody worry. That's not my intention. Most of the more dramatic stuff I say here is just to vent, to let it all out so I don't actually do any of it.

I'll be okay. It's going to take a while, but I'll be okay.

ily
~Belinda
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Friday, July 22, 2011

fuiasfhioaf OHHHHHHHH, I wanna cut myself open so bad. Grab a real sharp knife, make a vertical incision between my boobs and drag the damn thing down to my belly button. Pull my skin open, expose my rib cage. Let my guts fall to the floor.

Trying to eat my breakfast so I can medicate these sick desires and neurotic panics away but every bite makes me want to throw it all back up.

I'm a hopeless, restless rush... My mind and heart are moving too fast for my body.

I'm going to see Josh today after two days of not seeing him and that should make all the pain go away, give me something to look forward to, but he can't save me. God is the only one who can save me.

yfkfyukgjkguilguuifiofy. My shrink said she's proud of me for ending it. One day I'll be proud of myself too. But for now I'm just trying to survive.

ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

While the thoughts are still fresh in my mind, let me just say I love her. I always have and always will. But I can't be friends with someone who tells me to have more confidence in myself and then bites my head off for just being myself i.e. dripping with sarcasm and making stupid jokes.
It's not my fault this time. I'm tired of apologizing for things that are not my fault and then keeping my mouth shut 24/7.

I can only walk on eggshells for so long, you know?

On a less depressing note I'm feeling better today. Haven't cried yet. I sent a text message to her ex requesting him to kindly get his head out of his ass and talk to her so she can finally relax... in the most politeist way possible of course. She'll probably be pissed if she ever finds out but oh well.

I feel like I'm talking to myself when I talk on here. :/ Shmeh.
There's really not much going on at the moment.

ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

So me and Margaret broke up... again. Part of me hopes that it stays that way for a while because I'm getting really tired of this on again off again ulcer-giving business.

Thanks to copious amounts of caffeine, shed tears, hugs from Josh, and Erikness of my buddy Erik, I am strangely enough for the moment okay. But I know that won't last. It never does. And Josh is going to be unavailable for all the cuddling and sexual healing I need on Thursday, so I need ideas for something that is mildly self-destructive and irresponsible.

Things I've already eliminated are:

1. Anything sexual. I'm way too bashful to buy a dildo (hell, I wouldn't even know where to buy one) and as I said Josh is going to be unavailable and there's no way I'm cheating on him, so, yeah, no sex.

2. Illegal drugs. I really don't have the money or the motivation to buy them. Plus I'd definitely get hooked on them and I've got enough issues and addictions as it is.

3.Cutting. I already tried it. Didn't make me feel better. Just hurt and messed my arm up.

I'll probably just end up writing suicide notes in my diary or something equally pathetic/stupid.

Le siiigh. I'm getting depressed again already. '-___-
ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, July 17, 2011

I feel very very vulnerable and fragile right now. You could break me with an eye-blink.

Regardless I came to tell you all that no matter what you've gone through, no matter the amount of abuse, neglect or shame you've experienced, and whether or not you've had the misfortune of having the Bible shoved down your throat--and I say misfortune not because the Bible is boring or unimportant but because having anything shoved down your throat is guaranteed to ruin it for you--you are accepted, wanted, and loved more than you could ever imagine and in a way that is completely unique to you.

There is a God and when He looks at the world He doesn't just see a giant, unruly, massive throng, He sees His children and He knows every one of them by name--knows him and her and me and you better than he or she or you or I know ourselves.

And yes, I have just come from Church but that is beside the point. XD
The point is, I want to change the world for the best.

Rules and dogmas can only change the world when coupled with love. I want the shame and the self-righteousness and the walls to come down. I want you all to feel your heart burning like mine is right now--please, no Peptobismal jokes. (OOH, PRODUCT PLACEMENT! SORRY, WORLD. >.<)

I'm in love with Jesus and I'm tired of hiding it.

ANYWAY. I decided to stop having near-sex(sex without penetration) with my boyfriend and I'm scared. For about a million different reasons.

For one thing I don't know if I can resist. I've failed and fallen so many times...

For another, I have trust issues. I'm scared if I stop putting out he'll eventually cheat on me or leave me.

Finally, worst of all, I'm scared I've been blinded by all the sexual energy and we don't have enough beyond that to make the relationship last.

This is definitely going to test me but I want to do this.
Please give me your support and pray for me.
ily
~Belinda
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