Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Sorry, I know it's been forever. Our powers been out since like Sunday. Fucking hurricane Irene.

Second day of college. If I wasn't such an anal-retentive, school-obsessed bitch at the moment, I'd be drowning in a puddle of self-loathing and shame, but since I don't have time, I guess I'm just going to be extremely angsty, take it out on people I like, do my work, and then have an emotional breakdown about it. All of this would be so much easier if Josh would stop introducing me to new people.

Like, I know it's not his fault for being popular, but damn it, I'm half dead and stressed out and on my period and in literally gut-wrenching (or maybe overy-wrenching) pain because I'm on my period so he needs to realize if he goes around introducing me to all his friends I'm not going to make a very good first impression.

Ugh... I'm such a bitch. '-__-
Gonna go kill myself by suffocation under a mountain of homework now.
ily
~Belinda
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Friday, August 26, 2011

I changed my mind.
Instead of committing suicide and being all over-dramatic and stuff like I was going to do five minutes ago, I'm just going to do what the majority of the population does and live an extremely pointless, unhealthy existence.

It's like committing suicide, but in ultra slow motion.

Then again, I might just be writing this to be satirical and morbidly comical. Maybe I'm just stupid enough to be over this by tomorrow and go on naively believing things will get better and maybe it's not stupidity at all. Maybe I just need to get over myself and cheer the hell up--let the doctors poke and prod me into a porcelain, plastic, and safety glass life; let the drugs transform me from the inside-out. Medicate myself into happiness--or maybe just oblivion.

But that's all long-term, future stuff.

For now, just fuck it. Fuck CCBC and employment and the space in my head where a bullet should go.

If I have to kill any more time, I really might just kill myself.
ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Wow. Did everybody die over the weekend?

Haven't been on in days and I return to find nary an update.

Ah, lets see, whats been happening?

Ummm, I'm slowly becoming addicted to the Sims 3 again. Not sure how long it will last because it tends to get boring pretty quick. See, I'm a writer so I try to keep my sim games interesting by making up their own little story lines and conflicts but it never really goes the way I want it to. For example, a character that I want to be evil and controlling to their families turns out being the best parent or kid ever.

Also been playing some Mario Kart because it's the only way I get to practice driving. I'm not home that often and when I am either my parents are too busy to take me out driving or asleep. And there's no way I'm driving with Josh. He's one of those people that yells at all the other cars on the road because apparently everyone else is brain dead or something and I'm just learning how to drive so he'd probably find plenty of reasons to yell at me, which would only make me feel bad and too emotionally unstable to drive. :/ Sooo, yeah.

Plus, I like shooting turtle shells at people when I race them. :)

Oh. And on a less nerdy note: last night I gave up on being happy and succumbed to being content. Therefore, I am officially old.

I feel like I lost my edge. Not sure whether that's a good or bad thing. No matter what anyone says, I'm still me. I've just finally calmed the hell down.

I think some days it's okay not to feel anything--which I'm sure I've been over before but oh well. It's still true.

I seem to have built up an immunity to caffeine. More than an immunity, actually. Now it just makes me sleepy--like it does with my dad.
He used to always have to drink a can of Mountain Dew before he went to sleep.

Oh. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to jinx it but I might be coming with Josh to Ohio in January to meet his birth sister. She lives pretty close to Cincinnati, so, Stephy, I might be able to see you. :)

MIGHT, mind you. It's a pretty big might. No idea if my parents are going to let me go. No idea if Josh and I will still be dating by then. His sister said she'd be fine with telling my parents she has two guest rooms instead of one, but I don't know. I can't promise anything.

Gonna go look for another way to melt my brain now. good night everybody (even if it is only 12:30 pm.)

ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Responses to Comments.

The Fuz: Everything is not alright. Most of everything is, but not all of it and not just because of my family.

Stephy: Dude, that sucks. I could not live if I were allergic to shrimp. D: My family didn't do anything besides be themselves. That sounds horrible. I love them to death, but I can only listen to my two little sisters bite each other's heads off and my brother egg them on for so long without going completely insane.

Thinking about Margaret again. What the hell happened to us?

And it's not just her this time. I've lost so many good friends over the years. Some moved. Some graduated and I lost all contact with. Some I was just stupid and didn't even bother to try.

If I go back, this is what I'm going back to:

FRIENDS DON'T GIVE FRIENDS ULCERS:

She rushes around the kitchen, a bee in a hive, banging amidst the pots and pans, as I die in the middle of the floor for the fourth time this week.
Once for The Father.
Twice for The Son.
Three times for The Holy Ghost.
Four Times for good measure;
But it doesn't matter, it's the same old song.
The same, old alternating:
"Love yourself; have some confidence!",
"You're horrible! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
Well, she never let me live in peace.
I don't know why I thought she'd let me die in it.
(Oh, "rest in pieces" never meant so much.)
My guts litter the floor.
She sweeps them up, throws them out, tells me to get up and help her mop my blood up off the linoleum;
she says: "Jesus is coming, Jesus is coming!" even though He's already been here for the past few hundred years.

When I don't move, she lets and sets her face to falling and says "Fine, but I'm not having you just lazing around like that when Jesus comes."
So she sweeps me up into the same dustpan as my guts and dumps it all out the window, into the ocean.
As I sink deep and let the water lull and lap my lungs to sleep, God swims up to me and whispers,
"Don't worry about it, honey. Dinner parties were never my thing either."

ily
~Belinda
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Friday, August 12, 2011

Am not happy. Burying myself in poisonous comfort food. (Chocolate, which gives me a rash.)
Family has broken my last nerve.
Anyway, my dad wants to use the computer now.
ily
~Belinda
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Thursday, August 11, 2011

So... My flash drive with my story on it got sand in it. I don't know if it still works. I don't know if I should care, honestly.

I hate myself for saying that. I was born to write and the book was supposed to be my baby but I haven't worked on it in so long. It's weird. I never have any trouble committing to relationships, but I always end up giving up on books and projects at some point. Once it stops being fun there just doesn't feel like a point. I guess I need to push myself a little harder... a lot harder.

In some ways I'm conflicted though... I don't want to be JUST a writer. I want to sing and act and dance and model and PERFORM instead of only sitting in front of a computer, typing away for hours on end. There's a stereotype that says writers are supposed to be quiet, bookish types.

I am the antipathy of quiet.

Oh, I can keep my mouth shut when I need to, but I'm not shy. Performing is a shot of adrenaline surging through my veins, heartbeat pounding, spotlight blinding--complete and utter Heaven. I don't want to give that up. Unfortunately, I have to because outside high school I know there's really not many opportunities for performing.

But I'm worried. I'm worried that once it sinks in that now that I can no longer be that crazy skeleton of pathos and unyielding emotional energy on the stage making everybody from students to parents to teachers think "Dayum. That bitch can RECITE/ACT/WRITE!" I will either come completely undone and break down or suppress everything that makes me loud, obnoxious, dramatic me and squish myself into society's box of normalcy.

Writing is the only way to save myself from those occurrences but I don't feel like it's enough. Or maybe it is and I'm just greedy.

There's an Oscar Wilde qoute that goes somewhere along the lines of "art's ultimate aim is to conceal the artist."
There's a lot of truth to that.

I probably just need to get over myself. That's usually how most of my problems are solved. (Well, that and a lot of prayer.)

ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Yesterday was fun. Went shopping at the outlets and I got to take all kinds of fun pictures of my little sisters trying on high heels that were way too big for them. I got some dresses and pants from Forver 21 and a new bag from some giant designer name brand I'm too lazy to drop right now.

And then today we went to a different beach so my little sister Katie could look for sea shells by the sea shore... and that's pretty much it. I'm bored. About to upload pictures from my phone to my dad labtop.
ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

So I'm at the beach with my family. Or more precisely, I'm at my aunt and uncles house near the beach. (Obviously it would be a bit hard to post from the actual beach beach.)

Anyway, I'm happy and healthy(ish). Just wanted to let you all know. I do wish Josh could have come with us, but some of you are right. Maybe this week away from him will be healthy... I am unspeakably horny though. lol

XD My little brother Charlie and baby sister Valerie are acting out this whole Jersey Shore scene with Teddy Bears and stuffed animals. It's quite amusing.

ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, August 7, 2011

A priest once told me apathy can kill you. I see what he means but is it really that much better to want to die?

Yeah, I know happiness is a factor somewhere in the equation, but my periods of joy are pure mania. No, not really the insane kind, but short, fragile, and unspeakably intense. All my highs usually lead to lows.

My therapist said I'm afraid to let myself be happy and she's right, but I am for good reason. Every time I soar, I end up crashing and the cycle just gets old after a while, you know?

Sometimes-like this one-I just want to be morose without being miserable, content without being over-joyed. It's so much less exhausting that way. I know it's a cowardly way to live but can't the world just let me dwell in the in-between for a little longer?

ily
~Belinda
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Friday, August 5, 2011

Lute, I think the point of the assignment was to surprise me with how much I'll change in a year or so. See, I still feel like I did when I was 16 but my therapist tells me I changed a lot since then so I guess it was sort of to prove her point.

Josh left a few hours ago to go to some birthday party for his brother. I couldn't come because my brothers play (The Rockin' Tale of Snow White) is tonight, but it doesn't start til around 7:30 so in the meantime I'm stuck here in this empty house with nothing to do but think and read books that make me think... This is not a good thing.

My mind doesn't always go to the best places when I think. Especially when I do it alone, for too long.

We're going away to North Carolina for a week and I'm scared out of my mind. A whole week without Josh. Yeah, I know it's probably pathetic I'm that attached to him but it's just how I am.

I mean, the two days I had to deal without him were torture. I survived, but they were torture. And now I have to go for a whole week?

I don't know about this. I don't have a choice but to go because my mom won't let me stay home alone, but I don't know about this. Things feel unstable enough already--not so much in my relationship with him but in everything else. Everything reeks of change and I don't know if I can handle it.

*sigh*
Sing it, Patrick.

I get so worried...
I get so alone...
ily
~Belinda
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