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Friday, January 22, 2016

There are worse things than being alone. I wish I knew how to say it better.
But loneliness isn't the worst feeling--the absence of feeling is.

You hate the person you love. You hate the person you become. It never seems to matter how perfectly everything started. No matter what, you seem to find yourself either going along with every little inane thing they do or say to avoid an argument or you build sanctuaries for yourself away from them: little bubbles of peace and fecundity to revitalize yourself. You take longer and longer to get home from work or school. You stop at the library or the coffee shop on the way. You read adventure novels and magazines and sip coffee you barely taste. Slowly. Always slowly. because you know when you get home, you'll drown in gray. It won' be their fault. They'll just be gadding on about Fallout or Facebook. But his voice has become the house of your stagnation. You're suffocating on your own claustrophobia. You'll get out whether you mean to or not.

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Monday, August 17, 2015

Oh, this place! The center for Weeabu's before there were weeabus.

At the risk of sounding like a basic white bitch, I wish we all could just get along. I hate it when people are in pain--and someone always is.

Baltimore is one of the most segregated cities in the country. Most people in the city have had some history of terrible mental disorders, especially among the poor. Because of the institutional racism of the '50s, '60s, and '70s, it hit the black and Hispanic population the hardest. The constant drug problems (Baltimore is heroin central) did not help. Now, there is a lot of built up resentment in the black community and some racism and/or "colorblindness" on both sides.

It all adds up into one sickening, tangled mess of tension and resolved issues.

I don't know anything about being black or gay or poor or starving or homeless. But I have watched people let their hatred boil them alive. Some people get off on anger.

I love you

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Monday, March 9, 2015

Well, surprise: My universalist/agnostic boyfriend doesn't get me. As usual, I'm too Catholic. Too Lenten, too ritualistic, too manic, too me.
It happens every time.

This is one reason I friend-zoned him so hard when he first tried to get with me.I knew it would happen.

Looking back, I'm not sure why I never went out with Catholic boys. When I was younger, I was just narcissistic enough to believe everyone shared my worldview and as I got older, none of them were interested. To be fair, neither was I. Most guys who are raised Catholic don't stay Catholic. They lose patience with the structure and the discipline and rules.

The ones who did stay seemed constructing. Unsexy BDSM heroes. I guess that's what people assume about me, but I really don't think I'm that old-fashioned. I just need an hour by myself to pray/meditate every day, an hour for mass Sundays, fifteen minutes for Confession Saturdays. I also work and school on top of that, yes, but there's still time to talk and hang out.

And it's not like everything I think lines up perfectly with the church. I use birth control and would welcome the ordination of female priests.

But he's got his own specific paradigm though. Thinks he's God because nothing bad ever happened to him.

Other than the spirituality conflict we're good, but it's just such a huge thing for me.

I gotta get back to work, but I'll probably write more later.

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