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Monday, March 9, 2015

Well, surprise: My universalist/agnostic boyfriend doesn't get me. As usual, I'm too Catholic. Too Lenten, too ritualistic, too manic, too me.
It happens every time.

This is one reason I friend-zoned him so hard when he first tried to get with me.I knew it would happen.

Looking back, I'm not sure why I never went out with Catholic boys. When I was younger, I was just narcissistic enough to believe everyone shared my worldview and as I got older, none of them were interested. To be fair, neither was I. Most guys who are raised Catholic don't stay Catholic. They lose patience with the structure and the discipline and rules.

The ones who did stay seemed constructing. Unsexy BDSM heroes. I guess that's what people assume about me, but I really don't think I'm that old-fashioned. I just need an hour by myself to pray/meditate every day, an hour for mass Sundays, fifteen minutes for Confession Saturdays. I also work and school on top of that, yes, but there's still time to talk and hang out.

And it's not like everything I think lines up perfectly with the church. I use birth control and would welcome the ordination of female priests.

But he's got his own specific paradigm though. Thinks he's God because nothing bad ever happened to him.

Other than the spirituality conflict we're good, but it's just such a huge thing for me.

I gotta get back to work, but I'll probably write more later.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2015


Met my supposed doppelganger at work back in October. I have the oddest sense of dread and attraction towards him which culminates in my acting like either a skittish cat or a super aloof version of myself. He's turning 32 next week. I'm 21.
In other words, I probably wouldn't act even if we were both single.

Got to chat with him today whilest cleaning classrooms and computer labs. It was a pretty uneventful and intermittent conversation as I try to keep all conversations between us. I found out he does not like Baltimore, his birthday is next week, his parents got divorced when he was 6 or 7, his mother was a school teacher, his father was an electrician, he spent the holiday in Myrtle Beach (South Carolina) with his wife, daughter, father, and grandparents, and his wife is one of 12.

For some reason, typing all this out helps calm me down.
I've been uncontrollably shaking ever since the conversation. Emotions are so weird.
Time for songs to help prove I'm not weird and at least someone out there feels the same way I do.

Sort of.
Close enough.

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Friday, January 9, 2015

Mental breakdowns are so expensive these days.$100 dollars for one trip to the suicide watch room. Healing isn't free. Love isnt free. Clarity never was.
Don't be sad, people. Trust me. You can't afford it.

I used to wish for death
Now that's not enough.
I wish I was never born in the first place.
I lost my credit card. I lost my confidence... or rather watched it get murdered.
I lose everything. I trash, I ruin everything. Why God still lets me breath I don't know. Makes me wonder if He's up there at all...
I want to die. I want to die. I want to vanish.
Funerals are over a thousand dollars. My family cant afford that. I guess now is as good a time as any to get life insurance....

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