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Wednesday, January 12, 2022

   no matter what my haters say...
"As long as my bitches love me... I could give a fuck about no haters..."

Lil Wayne been singing electric in my head lately. I woke up to homeboy's kisses and left to his songs. He wasn't really there, but I'm a writer. I've always had one hell of a vision--an imagination? Perhaps. If it feels real and I'm the only one in the room, what's the difference?
was I ever a teacher?
I've had a classroom for almost a full year now. Moved from room 16 to room 17--a numerological promotion! haha
But was I ever a teacher?
My school went virtual. I went postal. Cosmic. Space cadet. It's always hard coming back to earth. I fall in love with the clouds.
but the work is on the ground and the show must go on

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Monday, November 16, 2020

i got a crush and was worried for a second I'd have to deal with feelings and people and all their implications, but then I got a vibrator and everything is better.
fuck romantic relationships. until i work on myself i know i'll be dealing with all the same problems and all the same insecurities. half my relationships have just been about loneliness or validation anyway. i don't mean to sound cynical, but i guess i'm cynical. maybe i'm just older. maybe i'm just tired of the cycle of desire where everyone gets their hopes and gets let down and has to adjust. maybe i know i'm better off focusing on myself for once.
i still love love. i still love life to the gills
i just want to make some different choices. rock with me--or don't
but we're all dancing to the same beat, baby.

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Sunday, November 1, 2020

i want to fuck something in half.
I want to pick up a being by my claws, throw it into a bed, and mount it. No conversation, no questions. Just muscle, sinew, sweat. gasps, whispers, cusses, cries. Bury my head in a clavicle. Bury someone else's head in me. Open my crooked mouth wide, chomp down, leave teeth marks for days.

i did it to myself.
talked to him on halloween as he was driving home. nothing interesting. all trauma. all conversation. i broke down. i sobbed. i shook. i said, "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up."
he was nice.
Said there was no need to apologize. I said something about therapy. He said something about self-improvement.

To be clear, I know I'm not fucked up for wanting sex or even wanting it with someone who will never love me the way I want them to. I'm fucked up because even in a "mutual" relationship, I got problems with letting go, with timing, with balance. I struggle with codependence. My first instinct is to melt from a solid to a liquid and then surround the person like a gas. I become the smoke they inhale and exhale. I become toxic or at least the relationship does.

I got a problem.
The practical answer is to go back to therapy. To find an Al-Anon (Codependents Anonymous) Support Group. To talk and talk and listen and listen and meditate and get better over days, weeks, months, years. The practical answer is to heal.
And I will
But in the meantime, goddamn it, I'm so fucking lonely and horny and sad and my dad is dead and my grandmother is dead and I just want to tear into a warm body and cry.

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