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Tuesday, January 20, 2015


BE STILL, MY HEART!!!

Met my supposed doppelganger at work back in October. I have the oddest sense of dread and attraction towards him which culminates in my acting like either a skittish cat or a super aloof version of myself. He's turning 32 next week. I'm 21.
In other words, I probably wouldn't act even if we were both single.

Nevertheless.
Got to chat with him today whilest cleaning classrooms and computer labs. It was a pretty uneventful and intermittent conversation as I try to keep all conversations between us. I found out he does not like Baltimore, his birthday is next week, his parents got divorced when he was 6 or 7, his mother was a school teacher, his father was an electrician, he spent the holiday in Myrtle Beach (South Carolina) with his wife, daughter, father, and grandparents, and his wife is one of 12.

For some reason, typing all this out helps calm me down.
I've been uncontrollably shaking ever since the conversation. Emotions are so weird.
Time for songs to help prove I'm not weird and at least someone out there feels the same way I do.


There.
Sort of.
Idk.
Close enough.
ily
~Belinda

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Friday, January 9, 2015


Mental breakdowns are so expensive these days.$100 dollars for one trip to the suicide watch room. Healing isn't free. Love isnt free. Clarity never was.
Don't be sad, people. Trust me. You can't afford it.

I used to wish for death
Now that's not enough.
I wish I was never born in the first place.
I lost my credit card. I lost my confidence... or rather watched it get murdered.
I lose everything. I trash, I ruin everything. Why God still lets me breath I don't know. Makes me wonder if He's up there at all...
I want to die. I want to die. I want to vanish.
Funerals are over a thousand dollars. My family cant afford that. I guess now is as good a time as any to get life insurance....

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Monday, December 15, 2014


Update: Chris is now living with me and my parents. He works at Royal Farms (convenience store chain) and goes to school at a community college in the area.

I am currently working two jobs. My first is at RiteAid and my second is in the AV department of University of Baltimore, where I go to school.

It's not a perfect life. I still have existential crisis every other hour. But it's a little less lonely now.
If anybody's reading this: how are you doing?
ily
~Belinda

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