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Monday, March 9, 2015

Well, surprise: My universalist/agnostic boyfriend doesn't get me. As usual, I'm too Catholic. Too Lenten, too ritualistic, too manic, too me.
It happens every time.

This is one reason I friend-zoned him so hard when he first tried to get with me.I knew it would happen.

Looking back, I'm not sure why I never went out with Catholic boys. When I was younger, I was just narcissistic enough to believe everyone shared my worldview and as I got older, none of them were interested. To be fair, neither was I. Most guys who are raised Catholic don't stay Catholic. They lose patience with the structure and the discipline and rules.

The ones who did stay seemed constructing. Unsexy BDSM heroes. I guess that's what people assume about me, but I really don't think I'm that old-fashioned. I just need an hour by myself to pray/meditate every day, an hour for mass Sundays, fifteen minutes for Confession Saturdays. I also work and school on top of that, yes, but there's still time to talk and hang out.

And it's not like everything I think lines up perfectly with the church. I use birth control and would welcome the ordination of female priests.

But he's got his own specific paradigm though. Thinks he's God because nothing bad ever happened to him.

Other than the spirituality conflict we're good, but it's just such a huge thing for me.

I gotta get back to work, but I'll probably write more later.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2015


Met my supposed doppelganger at work back in October. I have the oddest sense of dread and attraction towards him which culminates in my acting like either a skittish cat or a super aloof version of myself. He's turning 32 next week. I'm 21.
In other words, I probably wouldn't act even if we were both single.

Got to chat with him today whilest cleaning classrooms and computer labs. It was a pretty uneventful and intermittent conversation as I try to keep all conversations between us. I found out he does not like Baltimore, his birthday is next week, his parents got divorced when he was 6 or 7, his mother was a school teacher, his father was an electrician, he spent the holiday in Myrtle Beach (South Carolina) with his wife, daughter, father, and grandparents, and his wife is one of 12.

For some reason, typing all this out helps calm me down.
I've been uncontrollably shaking ever since the conversation. Emotions are so weird.
Time for songs to help prove I'm not weird and at least someone out there feels the same way I do.

Sort of.
Close enough.

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Friday, January 9, 2015

Mental breakdowns are so expensive these days.$100 dollars for one trip to the suicide watch room. Healing isn't free. Love isnt free. Clarity never was.
Don't be sad, people. Trust me. You can't afford it.

I used to wish for death
Now that's not enough.
I wish I was never born in the first place.
I lost my credit card. I lost my confidence... or rather watched it get murdered.
I lose everything. I trash, I ruin everything. Why God still lets me breath I don't know. Makes me wonder if He's up there at all...
I want to die. I want to die. I want to vanish.
Funerals are over a thousand dollars. My family cant afford that. I guess now is as good a time as any to get life insurance....

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Monday, December 15, 2014

Update: Chris is now living with me and my parents. He works at Royal Farms (convenience store chain) and goes to school at a community college in the area.

I am currently working two jobs. My first is at RiteAid and my second is in the AV department of University of Baltimore, where I go to school.

It's not a perfect life. I still have existential crisis every other hour. But it's a little less lonely now.
If anybody's reading this: how are you doing?

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Friday, September 5, 2014


"I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Yeah. But I can fearfully and wonderfully un-make myself with a single breath--sometimes even a lack of one. I ought to be a fucking case study.

You know the drill (don't you?) You build yourself up, make promises to be better than you are, to defy your sorry self through sheer will power, and in the midst of all this humanistic determination and optimism you walk out of a building without something essential, thus proving you are and most probably will always be the same incompetent accident of a person you always were.

I know it's only my purse. I know it's locked up at work safe and sound and I'll be able to get it first thing in the morning. I know it could happen to anybody--but I let it happen to me. Again.

Maybe it was just the timing of the whole thing. I signed a mental contract with myself that I'd do better in school, join a club or an honor society, meet new people, get more involved with my school's community-or at least more involved with my own life. You know. Like an adult. Like the thing I'm supposed to be at 21 fucking years old. Turns out, I can't even be trusted to remember to take my purse with me when I leave work.

I have no idea who I am anymore.


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Wednesday, May 14, 2014

I just found out that someone very close to me is beginning to lean towards homosexuality. He doesn't know yet whether he's gay, straight, or bisexual. I still love him, obviously, and to be honest I always kind of suspected. I still can't help but be surprised though.

I don't know. I'm worried about him. He's been very anxious and distressed lately.

Pray for him with me? Please?

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Monday, May 12, 2014

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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

"Hey Chris
You were our only friend.
I know this is belated:
We love you back."

I have no idea who we are anymore. You're a reality that only exists in my bedroom. I'm not crazy, but I might as well be.
I know it hurts to try. It hurts not to.
Guess I'm fucked either way.

Stay beautiful.
Stay miserable.
Stay celibate.
God loves you that way.

I can't ever find the words.
When I do, they're so terrible
I swallow them right back down
Where they churn in my stomach
And make me sicker.

Meanwhile your voice is disjointed static lost in some strange woman's murmurings on Sunday afternoons when my calender says Tuesday.

I don't mean to be this pathetic. It kind of just comes to me like air in my lungs. All I want is you, but you're not here and you never will be.
I can't be there because it almost killed me last time. I know it kills you too.
Wide empty spaces are all well and good until you need something to block the wind and guard against the chill.

You want a future. You want me. You want to do something you love for a living. You want kids.
Me too--but vastly more complicated.
Because with me it's always complicated.

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Friday, April 25, 2014

We both hate cold feet,
But I hate cold sheets more.
Why don't you add the numbers up,
Multiply it by the air lost to my lungs?
When I saw round "trip ticket"
Maybe I should have saw "merry go round."
How many miles are we up to now?
How many more until they give us
The free airforce pen
So I can sign off on a forever I can actually afford?

No. No. No... Fuck it. Fuck you and this fucking Long Distance Stockholm Syndrome you induce. I should have known. "Love transcends distance."
Yeah, but marriage doesn't. A future together doesn't.

Arranged marriage isn't looking so bad right about now.Marrying for love... What a ridiculous idea.

You say you're sorry.
I'm sorry I ever met you. I'm sorry I ever facebook chatted with you that night when everything was going to hell. I'm sorry I ever called you.
I should have told my mom everything and let her commit me. I should have just taken the hit.

I can't do this merry-go-round with you anymore. I can't listen and believe your empty promises anymore and I can't handle the stark, screaming truth. I never could--that's why I found you in the first place.

But I will.
Because I'm weak. And stubborn--stupidly, stupidly stubborn
And scared. ALWAYS SCARED.
Scared that you're wrong, scared that you're right, scared that I can't find anyone better because "closer" and "more accessible" does not translate into "better."
Scared, because I fucking love you, too.
Scared, because I know it means we probably won't talk anymore.
Scared, because it means you'll talk to somebody else.

This is hilarious. I don't even know if I like you anymore.
Why am I here? Why?

Sorry for the rant. I just came from a funeral and didn't feel like saying all the terrible things running through my head.
My best friends mom died last Thursday. :(
I love you

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Monday, April 14, 2014

   This is Gospel
For the Vagabonds
Ne'er do wells
And insufferable bastards...

I seem to be losing my ability to retain lyrics. Can only remember certain parts of songs now. Probably because I don't listen to as much as I used to.

I've really come to dislike the emo scene. I know that's ludicrous coming from me (see my last 3 posts) but it's one thing if you're actually sad and spilling your guts. It's another thing if you just put on this huge, heaving, sighing emo act to fit in or worse FUCKING BRAG ABOUT CUTTING AND SUICIDE NOTES. Depression is not a fashion statement. Being fucked up is nothing to be proud of--it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of either, but you shouldn't aspire to it.

I don't know. I used to love verbal caves--things that were dark and deep and cool like memes about cutting and teenage poetry and sensitive men in eye-liner, but now when I look at those same things on twitter or tumblr, I just get disgusted--not by the people who retweet or share them, but by the effect those memes have.

A lot of times I feel like instead of making us more aware of depression and those who suffer it, it jades us and makes us desensitized to it and them.
val is awesome!!!!

I'm not saying you shouldn't speak up if you're depressed, but I don't think twitter and facebook are appropriate ways to do it. It's a real shame there's no intimate community online like myotaku for the younger generation. I know for a fact you guys and this site saved my life probably more than I know.

ANYWAY. I'm growing older, but never growing up. Not because I don't want to--I just don't know how.
I'm broke and living with my parents and trying to get a job. Nothing's changed.
EXCEPT. I finally got my license. jfsdhfuishiusfbsjkfjk
Took my long enough. lol
I love you guys. If you want my number for texting purposes, say so in the comments. I'm message it to you.

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