Saturday, October 13, 2012

So The Perks of Being a Wall Flower is the best movie in the history of ever, fyi.

I cried twenty times. No joke. As a matter of fact, I was still bawling as Josh and I were making our way out of the theater. People kept staring. XD
But seriously, it was an excellent, excellent film. Honestly, I actually think it's just as good as the book--and that's a sentence I NEVER thought I would catch myself saying.
As soon as it comes out on DVD, I'm going to buy it and dedicate a day to watching it and crying and stuffing myself with carbs. Yup yup. I'm a loser. XD

So I guess I should be writing my paper on the neurology of ADHD or doing something productive like that, but my brain is so scattered right now it's a miracle I'm even coherent enough to write this. I don't know what it is about Joshs apartment--maybe the noise, maybe the clutter, maybe the fact that nobody's here to nag me--but I can never get any school work done while I'm here. It's the place my brain goes when it just wants to go into a coma.
The fact that it's cold as hell doesn't really help ether. >.<
I guess I'll go read or something. I don't know.
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

UICFDR8HFAWHERNT WC892389R2RY23Q98 6YEC4921

OH. EM. FUCKING. EE.

Every time I see that trailer, I want to jump up and down and scream like a teenage girl. It's fucking happening. After over ten years of changing lives and making fellow wallflowers cry like babies (myself included), the Bible of all things infinite is now a movie. And I'm seeing it on Friday. SO EXCITED!!!

If any of you haven't read the book, do so or don't, but I must tell you you will not do anything important in your life until you do.

HOWEVER. Just to prove to myself and to make you all witnesses that I have been working hard despite my fangirlish glee (and because I am far too lazy to put all this on my flash drive like a normal person) here is the data I've been gathering for the past three hours or so for the paper I began writing:

Frontal lobe is involved with development of ADHD—weak connections between areas of frontal lobe, possible cause. (Frontal Lobe: Planning and attention.)
--http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/mental-disorders/adhd1.htm
3 subtypes of ADHD:
1. Inattentive (6 or more “inattentive” symptoms.)
2.Hyperactive/impulsive (6 or more “hyperactive/impulsive” symptoms.)
3.Combined (Has both hyperactive/impulsive and inattentive systems.)
Reason for 3 subtypes: different levels of neurotransmitters. ADHD people also have variations of transporter genes for the neurotransmitters.
For inattentive: changed norepinephrine transporter genes, which affect norepinephrine levels in the brain.
For impulsive/hyperactive: Dopamine.
For mixed: Choline. (Precursor to acetylcholine.)

ADD/ADHD medications target these neurotransmitters. (Except for mixed.) Ritalin and Adderall increase dopamine by blocking it’s transporter.
Serotonin is also involved in ADD/ADHD. Serotonin=impulse control and aggression. Dopamine and Norepinephrine=reward-processing.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/neurotransmitters-involved-in-adhd/

1. Dopamine Details
2. Norepinephrine Details
3. Glutamate Details
4. PEA Details
5. Glial Cell Details

http://www.corepsychblog.com/2012/09/adhd-insights-neurotransmitters/

Abnormal functioning in nerve pathways that regulate behavior.
Dopamine: Simple chemical. Carries signals between nerves in the brain. Involved in sleep, movement, mood, attention, and learning.
Norepinephrine: Hormone and neurotransmitter. Both this and dopamine are involved in maintaining alertness, increasing focus, sustaining thought, effort, and motivation.
Glutamate: A carboxylate anion of Glutamic acid. (An amino acid.) Also involved in learning and memory in the brain.
PEA: Phenylethylamine. Releases dopamine and norepinephrine. Ingredient in most ADHD meds.
Glia: Glue of the nervous system. Non-neuronal cells that surrounds the neurons and holds them in place, supplies nutrients and oxygen to neurons, insulates neurons, destroys pathogens, and removes dead neurons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry if any of you died of boredom.

In true A.D.D. fashion, let me just say that recently I've been fantasizing about skinny, effeminate men in wedding dresses and combat boots. Thoughts?

ily
~Belinda

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Saturday, October 6, 2012

This is about how I feel right now. I've got a million things to do and I cant concentrate on any of them. Stuck listening to my the voice of Josh's bitchy roommate in the meantime. UGH!

I would almost rather go death (OMG, FREUDIAN SLIP!!) for the rest of my life than listen to her talk for one more minute.

Whatever. I'll just blast Pandora and half-ass everything. Got me through senior year of high school, should be able to get me through the weekend.

At least there are blankets... It's freakin cold in here. >.<

ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Just some clips from my favorite movie. Enjoy.

ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I'm so fucking frustrated and tired and I can't think straight.

Not that I can think straight normally, but today is much worse. Video-chatted with Josh last night and he was all depressed and feeling underappreciated because his one room mate was being a bitch and he started bringing up how I was kind of bitchy to him on Sunday--which I kind of was--and now he's off work today and I'm here at school and he normally visits me when he's off and and and and... *explodes*

'-_- The last time a boyfriend started to distance himself from me we ended up breaking up. It's possible Josh just doesn't have the gas to come and see me today so I don't want to freak out, but I am. I feel like everything is on the verge of spiraling out of control and I have no idea what the outcome will be. I'm scared and angry and uncertain and I just want to scream.

I'm sorry if I'm bringing anyone down right now. To be honest, I'm bringing myself down, but I need to get this out because it's like an invisible wall-theres no getting past it unless you knock it down. Probably just going to sit around for the next two hours and read Amy Tan. Maybe do some research for a project. After I calm down, I might be able to do more intensive studying/home work stuff, but for now I'm just going to take baby steps.

What do you guys do to calm down when you have mini-anxiety attacks?

ily
~Belinda
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Sunday, September 30, 2012

@Stephy: I know! It's so frustrating!

@Jenny: No, that's pretty much exactly what I meant. All anyone does is patronize and judge.

So. Josh moved into an apartment with his ex-girlfriend and her sister, which is whatever. I just wish they would clean up after themselves. The whole damn place smells like moldy Chinese food and there's dirty dishes everywhere because they almost never do the dishes. I try to help when I can, but frankly, it's just too much for one person.

I honestly didn't know I was this much of a clean freak until I saw how messy people could be. Guess my parents finally rubbed off on me.

In other news, I pretty much wasted the whole weekend with Josh. Well, not completely. I studied a little for a test and interviewed Josh about gender roles and feminism for journalism class. Now I just have to transcribe the recording.
I also have to post an entry about recordings for the class blog. Oy. '-_-

ily
~Belinda
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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

So you'd think with all the information on ADD/ADHD out there, some of it would be written by people who actually have it.

But no. It's all cold, sterile scientists who write about everything like it's a social disease--or in this case, apparently, a form of retardation. '-_- I have to write something that compares a "normal" brain with an ADHD brain, so I've been looking at all sorts of website and I'm sure I've ranted about this before, but I might as well be looking up lepersy(sp?). That's how bad the tone is.

ANYWAY. How is your guys' week going?

ily
~Belinda
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Friday, September 21, 2012

What having ADHD is like (for me):

You wake up with memories of converstations that never actually happened playing in your head. More than likely, it's left over from a dream you had that night or it's leftover from your brain working on/interacting with characters from a story you're writing or it's simply your brain saying "what if this happened?" and then coming up with a scenario. In any case, you have the uncontrollable urge to repeat these conversations outloud, so you do, usually while pacing or walking from place to place.
Sometimes you get lost in your own thoughts and lose track of time.

I don't anymore because I have a shedule to keep and I'm adjusted to that schedule, but I used to, all the time, and be late for practically everything as a result.

If you take medication, you take it with or after breakfast because if you don't you get really severe migraines and concentrating on one task at a time becomes that much harder. Even after you take the medication, your thoughts stay sporadic, but you're more aware of it so when voicing the thoughts it's more easier to express them in a rational, more chronological order so everything you say/write doesn't sound like: "Yeah, I had a pretty good day, I just think purple is a stupid color. OMG, FOOTBALL!! Because purple is the team color of the Baltimore Ravens and they play this weekend. What do you think of dinosaurs?"

Side-effects of medication include: dehydration, dizziness, drowsiness, diarrhea, your guts spasming up your throat so you sort of dry heave all morning, depletion of personality, and a few more glamorous ones I'm too tired to remember right now.

If you don't take medication, you simply eat breakfast and get ready for the day like a "normal" person and then go about your day like a "normal" person, but more random, distant, and occasionally(sp?) more energetic.
Random, unrelated thoughts continuously pop into your head. For exemple, you'll be in math class, copying down a problem when a silly picture of a cat playing on a yoga ball pops into your head and you'll burst out laughing for no apparent reason.

You are only "easily distracted" when you're doing something you don't love.

For exemple, when I'm not on medication and am drawing or writing a story or whatever, I can block out the rest of the world for hours. But when I'm doing math or biology homework and I honestly couldn't care less, I can't focus for the life of me. Interestingly, the medication in a way makes it harder to focus because it forces me to be fully, mentally present for EVERY. SINGLE. THING that's happening in the room. Loud noises don't bother me as much when I'm unmedicated because I can block them out, but when you're on medication you can't block out ANYTHING.

Annnnd. I think that's it.

Sorry if I just wasted everyone's time. I just figured if you guys knew what it's like to have ADHD, you'd understand how weird it is for me to be medicated into experiencing some weird, second rate reproduction of how a "normal" person goes through life. Twas meant to be edumacational. :P

Now, onto the actual post:

ujahujsjuuihius... I'm SOOO sore. >.< I have self-defense class every Thursday nights and we learned how to punch and kick properly last night and now everything hurts.

I also found out that there is a genre of games in Japan where the object of the game is to stalk, bind, torture and rape women.
My reaction:


I gues I shouldn't have been surprised because it's Japan and practically everything they make has pornographic elements and undertones--Notice how I said PRACTICALLY--but I was and still am.

I mean, it's one thing to create violent cartoon porn. It's not ideal, but it's not anything worse than what goes on in American mass media. But normalizing and trivializing rape and pedophilia and torture is just plain fucking misogynist and hateful and sickening.
When I heard about it, I honestly did not want to live on this planet anymore. Fr srs.

And if you think I'm over-reacting, watch the video and see what you think.

ily
~Belinda
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Thursday, September 20, 2012

Tiiiiired! >.<

Something about waking up an hour and a half earlier than I usually do and then barely eating anything for lunch has a way of draining me.

I also, just to see if I could manage without my ADHD medication, didn't take it this morning, and so far, so good.

It actually helps in some ways because I have more energy and I find I don't get nearly as anxious when I don't take it. I also don't second-guess myself nearly as much.

The only challenge is sitting still for long periods of time, which is definitely a necessity for writing papers, making projects, and overall passing classes... :/

If I had more time to exercise, I could probably do without it because the dose I take is so low it can be replaced by endorphins one normally gets from exercising, but with all the stuff I have to do, I honestly don't have time. I don't know. We'll see.

XD
ily
~Belinda
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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I notice the less time I spend with Josh, the more masculine I start to feel. Well, maybe masculine isn't the right word.

It's more like I become more like a gay scene boy.
What would that be? Androgynous?
That's how I think of most scene kids in general.

Today, I woke up feeling like I would either turn into a hysterical 12-year-old girl or a second rate version of Pete Wentz, so I choose the latter.

It was fun. Wore a sweatshirt (I don't have any hoodies), some dark jeans, and neon high tops.
Ceased to care abut being 15 minutes early for math. Put on eye-liner and smudged the living fuck out of it. Wrote some self-absorbed poetry (kinda like this post, but in stanza form.) Almost lost it and asked the (slightly) creepy kid in my math class if he was this nice to everyone or just trying to get in my pants and if so to kindly cease and desist because I have a boyfriend.

Everything was going swimmingly--then I realized I had a term paper to write and a million other things to do and went right back to being a manic college kid.
On a (somewhat) unrelated note, I just realized that if I ever cut off all my hair, I'd look almost exactly like William Beckett.
*siiigh*


Yup. That's the man I spent a quarter of my life idolizing... No wonder I'm so fucked up. XD

I'm going to go waste more time on the internet now.
ily
~Belinda

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