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myOtaku.com: X Shadowme X

Sunday, November 1, 2020

i want to fuck something in half.
I want to pick up a being by my claws, throw it into a bed, and mount it. No conversation, no questions. Just muscle, sinew, sweat. gasps, whispers, cusses, cries. Bury my head in a clavicle. Bury someone else's head in me. Open my crooked mouth wide, chomp down, leave teeth marks for days.

i did it to myself.
talked to him on halloween as he was driving home. nothing interesting. all trauma. all conversation. i broke down. i sobbed. i shook. i said, "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up."
he was nice.
Said there was no need to apologize. I said something about therapy. He said something about self-improvement.

To be clear, I know I'm not fucked up for wanting sex or even wanting it with someone who will never love me the way I want them to. I'm fucked up because even in a "mutual" relationship, I got problems with letting go, with timing, with balance. I struggle with codependence. My first instinct is to melt from a solid to a liquid and then surround the person like a gas. I become the smoke they inhale and exhale. I become toxic or at least the relationship does.

I got a problem.
The practical answer is to go back to therapy. To find an Al-Anon (Codependents Anonymous) Support Group. To talk and talk and listen and listen and meditate and get better over days, weeks, months, years. The practical answer is to heal.
And I will
But in the meantime, goddamn it, I'm so fucking lonely and horny and sad and my dad is dead and my grandmother is dead and I just want to tear into a warm body and cry.

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