Sunday, February 2, 2020

https://youtu.be/_bbB2t-3spM

NOSTALGIA
God, they were probably recording this back when people actually logged on this site. Ugh. Man. What a decade
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Thursday, August 22, 2019

Still alive.
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Friday, August 16, 2019

goodbye
I love you and i’m sorry. The truth is you’re better off without me.

Give my clothes to whoever wants them. Give my CDs to the salvation army or to any relative who wants them.
Burn my poems. Donate my books. Light white candles for me. Burn sage. Don’t spend too much time mourning--you’ll let life go by. That’s the kind of shit i always did. It’s what got me here in the first place. That, and giving advice i don’t take.

Someone warned me not to go to sheppard pratt. Doesn’t matter who at this point.

Don’t shelter your kids. It makes them weak, romantic, and unable to deal with any of life’s challenges.

Good news: I read somewhere that facebook has a memorial option. Check that shit out. Feed my ego after I’m gone.

Don’t bother with a funeral for me. I’m so sick of priests I could spit. Priests who say things like “people who don’t come to mass because of sex abuse are just making excuses” and “she only wrote those derogatory comments about priests because the devil told her to.”

Rob, enjoy Prague. I’m so proud of you.
Charlie, keep dancing. Keep singing. Keep loving.
Katie, keep being wonderful.
Emma, we never talked much, but you’re fucking amazing, the way you always take care of grandmom and the way you light up a room just by smiling and being goofy. I love you.
Valerie, Thank you. You made me laugh and love more than anyone on this Earth.

Margaret, you are the best. Don’t EVER forget it.

Chris, please go fuck yourself in every orifice.I’m so tired of your resentment and your blame and you saying shit like “i love you, but we’ll never get back together because it would be too destructive.” You know what’s destructive? Text messages like that. I love you--I’ll always fucking love you, even after i’m dead, but damn it, I did my best. I don’t know what to tell you.

Various Men I’ve Flirted With to Attempt to Get Over Chris, thanks for the memories. Sorry for the drama. You still cute tho.

Lisa and Cuin, I’m sorry. Really. I didn’t have the money to fix the carpet anyway and my family definitely doesn’t, so please don’t bother. It was never my intention to hurt either of you. If you don’t believe me, I understand.

Reed and Jesse, Thank you for being such great friends. I think I would have been dead months ago if not for you. Thanks, fam.

Zinzuedo Tribe, Thank you. Truly.


MyOtaku friends, each and every one of you is the bomb dot com. I know we never talked much post-Version Vibrant, but being a part of your lives has truly blessed me and I was so happy to see how much you’ve all grown and changed, and adulted.

Aunts, Uncles, Cousins: It’s not that I mean to jumble you all together, but if I addressed each and every one you individually, I might be alive for another 26 years, and that is not my intention. Thank you for the love and support. For all the times i said something that offended you or cussed in front of your children, I apologize. See you on the other side.

That Guy With The Face: You know why you attract broken people? Because you’re broken. I never even bothered reading the last message you sent all the way through. I don’t care how bad you’re hurting. It’s not okay to use other people and you only hurt yourself more in the long run. Get some help. Or, at least help yourself with something besides drugs. Idgaf. Enjoy California.

Yoga friends, keep being amazing. Nicole and Ketiki, I love you both forever and I hope you know at all times how much of a goddess each one of you is. Hang on to each other.

Dear Various Friends of My Mother,
It wasn’t the tarot cards. It wasn’t the public school system. It wasn’t the music. It was feeling like a goddamn waste of skin every day and trying and failing desperately to do something about it. Not everyone can be a saint every second of every day.


Myotaku.com, thank you for being the only place I can reliably post a suicide note without cops immediately being called. Dying is already undignified enough without police cars and press coverage.

goodbye

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Friday, August 2, 2019

Somewhere in space my higher self is wagging her finger at me and looking disappointed. Somewhere all the Dan Bennett's are raising their eyebrows, all the Josh Ballantines are glaring, all the Troy Hatfields are walking away in the direction of porn filled basements

But somewhere has nothing to do with me right now.

I had a dream last night we used to see Las Vegas. Lost ourselves in the bright lights. I wish you could have seen us.

I love you
I miss you
Youre the best of the best
And the worst of the worst

If I were fully sober I could probably write you a proper poem instead of referencing all the songs

But I'm not

I almost fucked a homeless man. True story. My starbucks friend Emily beat me to it.

I love you
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Thursday, August 1, 2019

I see stars
Promised myself I wouldn't write Trojan wars anymore
Why do I find myself looking at horses and stars instead of sea shores?
He says his name is Fox
I think it might be Jason
Because every time he's around I feel so Madea.
He says I move fast
I think he talks too much
Emily doesnt take it personally

Maybe I should be bascon Robbins
Ive had so many flavors lately

And I dont communicate well
And I take things personally
And I move too fast.
And I get it now why you had to tell yourself every night why I wasn't so bad but baby practice makes perfect.

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Wednesday, July 24, 2019

i'm not sorry
finally
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Tuesday, July 16, 2019

9 of Swords
9 of Swords

Wrote down all my Survivors Guilt
And sent it to you in a box with your laundry detergent back and your lungs
I know you'll be able to breathe better
Without my screaming larnyx in the way

What I probably shouldn't say is
I miss you too
I still see you waiting outside my parents house
I still hear your cat meow
I still have to talk myself out of bed when the sunlight doesn't smell anything like you anymore

No one fit quite like you
You were the perfect bandage and seditive
All in one

But we can't stay tied up asleep forever

So I put my hands down. I get out of bed.
I put the music on and I dance until I forget the Swords are there.

I still miss you
I know you miss me too
But at least now our wounds can breathe
And so can we.
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huahhhh
if you're a preacher sweating in the pews
i'm poseidon drowning in my own ocean
got a hecate daughter pissed at me
got a million and one outsiders who think they've been in
and maybe they have
got a couple different names with a few million implications attached

but i don't have you
and that's a problem

i say i'm fine
but i only mean it ironically at best
you say you're an island
but you don't even like getting wet

i never even got to call your bluff
you say libras over liars and regrets
i say we were a lesson in romantics to put any and every MayDay Parade to shame
my moms still in the backroom talking about butter

i'm still in the chatrooms looking for someone better
why did your wounds have to feel so sweet?
i could have basked in the glory of

but there i go wanting something better again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Surrounded by flies and fake wood in my mothers basement. to be honest i wouldn't know what to do with real wood even if i had it. met a guy at a snowball stand today. met another one at a grocery store. wherever i go, there are men and food, food and men. it seems downright ungrateful to not notice them just because they're not the one i want. they're still cute. some are even nice

*cue optimistic 2000s rock*
MAYBE IT'S NOT MY WEEKEND, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE MY YEAR...
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Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Every Dot Coms Refreshing For a Journal Update
"but, Belinda," your therapist says. "why describe sex with your exboyfriend as a relapse? Why not just say you needed physical intimacy?"

For that matter, why describe him as a drug at all? Why is he heroin? Why was that other guy suboxone?

Because sex with him is never just sex.
Because love with us was never just love. it was a reunion.

because nothing destroys
nothing builds
nothing heals
nothing kills like love and we were almost addiction. I hold a legacy of co-dependence like cravings for apple slices and wormwood.

I'm on my mothers couch again. rejected my mothers mothering again. Hurt some people i love again.
this whole adulting thing is so much more difficult than i thought.

at a starbucks... where else?

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Wednesday, May 8, 2019

They some damn hotties in starbucks tho
I wonder what it's like to fuck a dude who looks like a dude.
I wonder what it's like to want to.

Got myself all twisted in half over some pretty dude last month. I still relapse on the delusion that we could have been something more every few weeks. But it's getting better. It used to be every few days.

Sitting at starbucks typing this out like the millenial off her ADHD pills that I am. I'm too retro to even use speelcheck (I say, fighting the urge to hashtag.)

It's been a minute. To summarize, I moved out of my moms house because she didn't approve of my witchy ways and I was tired of feeling like an exhile for it. I ended a five (?) year long relationship because it was already dead on the vine. I realized and came out as bisexual to my parents, and now I'm moving again into my aunts house, but the room is so full of other people's baggage and trauma, I'm back on my mothers couch until we can clear the room.

yup. that's about it.

Seeking refuge in public spaces until further notice. May start a one woman show in a strip club on broadway masturbating with various household objects.

I'm only half joking.

Here. Have a poem

~~~~~~~~~~~Should I scramble these eggs as well as my brain?
Or as badly if you’ve already left Dennys
The gods and the Orishas told me not to write to you anymore
So I’m giving the words to MyOtakeu
You never wanted to listen my stories anyway

I’m not sorry if she never takes you back
I’m not sorry if you still feel bad
Soak in your coffee and fix me a drink
Pretty boy
I might just finish it this time

I tried to burn down the bridge
but it had too many of my heartstrings caught in it
Darkness isn’t really my permanent home
It’s just where I sleep some days
Maybe if you ask my goddess nicely
I’ll grace the lightest corners of your mothers basement
Maybe you’ll catch one last glimpse of me as I phoenix
I don’t know if you ever loved to watch me leave
But i always liked driving away
What can i say? I come from a family of runners

Will you track and field for me?

We called it suboxone
But it was just hot coffee
And the funny thing is
I always preferred herbal tea
But sometimes the medicine burns just as well as the poison

I was so scared to let you know the truth
But now i can't wait to tell you~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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