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Monday, August 22, 2005

I blame the Rain


With the rain dripping down my window I sit remembering the times of joy. The dull blade wonít cut my skin, but it sinks in my heart. I turn to look at him on the bed, the white sheets soaking in his blood. He hurt me, he broke me, he left me. He tried to run, the knife was faster, sharper, it had purpose. Fear still painted his face, realisation sunk deep in his eyes. Did I do this, or was it the rain? Fading, getting dimmer, his outlines blurry now. I should close my eyes, my blood so warm against my skin, I didnít know it would be so hard. Too heavy to keep open my eyelids slide down over my crying eyes, his smiling face burned on their inside. Itís dark now, itís over.


Well My dark side was bound to show itself at some point. With my mood getting progressively worse, and the rain progressively stronger its no surprise!

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It shows you just how strange this countryís weather is really, there wasnít a cloud in the sky, not a drop of rain yesterday. I wake up this morning and there are torrential downpours, my street is now a river and you need a canoe to go down it. Strangely you can travel by boat in London, but itís only worth doing in the centre, that way you get to see Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament, White Hall, and the Millennium Eye in double quick time and then its off to the pub for a fish and chips and a pint of lager, glass of wine or fruit based drink for the ladies!

Ok got side tracked!

Its Monday, and I feel terribly depressed because of the weather, and the fact that I only got 3 hours sleep, played Empire Earth with my husband and best friend till 4 in the morning, yes I know sad game, but its one where you can chat to each other and be sociable instead of screaming at the screen and punching keys all the time!

I wrote a little something on the way to work, I was just about to post it, but its so depressing and dark, and a little evil! So I will not assault your brain with my bad writing today, maybe tomorrow after itsí had some work donw on it and is less evil, or more evil. I better go and pretend to be working now!

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Sunday, August 21, 2005

I have a driving lesson in half our, and it makes me think of death! Why I need to learn to drive is beyond me I live in London for crying out loud. We have one of the oldest underground/subway for the Americans on here/ systems in the world,(cant say THE OLDEST because Moscow is still contesting that), We have the biggest reddest buses in the world, and then there is my all time favorite, the black cab! There are MILLIONS of black cabs, not only have they made a reputation of being the most dangerouse method of transport to ever grace the streets of our humble city but they are also hardest thing to get into gracefully. With so much alternative transport why do I need to learn to drive?! Oh yeah coz my husband wants me to feel more indipendant. I can get up and go at any time of the day, I dont have to tell him where I am and the same goes for him, there is mutual trust and understanding, we have our seperate bank accounts, in what way shape or form do I need to feel even MORE indipendant!?!?!

Bahh, while moaning on here its time for my lesson. And just incase you are wondering, I cant give up now, its not like me...ok ok I have sunk far too much money to give up now!

Here's a quizz...


??Which colour of Death is yours??
brought to you by Quizilla

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Dust is dancing in the light and the fear of night, long lost;
The room dark and cool,
Like a church, the dim light broken by shafts of sun.
Eyelids heavy with sleep gently open
Rose lips gently smile
A deep breath takes in the sweet smell of cut grass and autumn flowers.
Stretching arms touch the cool wall
His soft breathe against my pale white neck
Morning is so precious.


I woke up this morning looked out of the window and the sun was shinning (reason for my attempt to write about it above). That is the most wonderful way to wake up donít you think? London is a bit of a dark city in general, I think itís jaded; it would suit most of the dark spirited people on here down to a "t"! Waking up is never a good thing for me, itís usually accompanied by having to get out of bed, and I love my bed, it always has crisp clean white sheets, a big heavy feather duvet and tons of pillows. It is the only place that my girly side shines through. So you can imagine that leaving that haven is hard work, well its made worse by the British weather. Al Murry, a British comedian once said:

ďIf the British weather was good English never would have been created, we would have nothing to talk about.Ē

I thought that is funny, and true. I work with accountants, and all they talk about is numbers, money, and the weather.


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Saturday, August 20, 2005


I realised the strangest thing today. How change is only a way to teach ourselves to like who we are, and the way we look. For the last year I have changed hair colour like underwear. I have been everything from blood red to bleach blond. Today I am back to who I am, a brunette. I put my glasses on after the hairdresser was done and I was stunned, my hazel eyes were bright and you could clearly see the specks of green, my lips looks red and full, there was colour in my face which I havenít seen in a very long time. Even the dark rims around my eyes (the fault of a heavy night of computer gaming) didnít look as bad. Why did it take me ruining my hair, because it is dry and brittle now, and going through the pain of bleaching, because that burns like hell, to realise that I look best as a brunette? I feel somewhat stupid.

Advice: Donít change, unless you are 100% certain that you will come out as a butterfly.

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Friday, August 19, 2005

Life is a story, but you have to live to tell it!

To see beauty open your eyes, to feel beauty open your heart

Everyone writes about life or death, their desire to live, their wish to die, the pain they feel and hurt they have caused.

Why is it so hard for us to look up into the sky and feel the beauty that this world presents us with?

Who are we to feel that life is not worth living, who are we to say we have felt pain when all we have experienced is one point of view, our point of view?!

How often have you stepped out of yourself and looked around?

How often have you been shocked by the feeling of your fingertips touching water, by your eyes taking in the storm, by your whole body feeling, sensing, experiencing the sensation of reality?

We think that living in a world of dreams and desires is better than living a real life, that it is less painful. Well this is going to come as a shock, itís not. Your dreams, your desires, the bliss you crave for so badly will never be real unless you open your eyes and you smell the fresh air after the storm and see the sun coming through the clouds, the wind against your skin, the soft touch of lips, the sweet smell of life. Pain is what made you who you are, what made you special, life is what gives you strength. Sacrificing what you are to be what you want to be is being an adult, if you cannot see it, if you cannot deal with it, go back to your dream world because you are still a child.

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Hello there you lot, its friday and that ALWAYS brings a smile to my face, 'tis made even better by my friend coming down to see me from Edinburgh. It is going to be a hoot! He is bringing his brand new laptop which means we can finaly get the high-end graphics games working for all of us (my hubby, my mate and myself). There will be no sleeping this weekend!

To add to my good mood is a hangover from a brilliant night out last night, I know hangovers arent ment to make you feel happy, and physicly I feel very ill, but it reminds me of a fun night. My Japanese class has a tradition to go out to the pub after each lesson, and Sensei came with us this time, she is no taller than 5 foot, and its so funny to see her with her little half pint glass of lager and her thin ciggy, chatting away, all her teacherly duty gone totaly out of the window. I am the only girl in the glass with 7 guys, and each one is cuter than the next, its the one time that I hate being married! We are all going to go out for dinner on tuesday which is another thing to look forward to! All of a suden life is not so bad! I've just JNXD it havent I, baaahhhh who cares! Its Friday!

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Thursday, August 18, 2005

It is finaly time for me to get the hell out of the office and go to my Japanese lesson! I plan to go to the pabu (Pub for those who didnt get it...bad joke) after with my class-mates and drown my bordom in a pint or two!

I have just got really bad news, I am trying to sell my flat, and the guy that wanted to buy it cant secure a morgage, so it has just gone back on the market and I have to be tidy and do the dishes every evening before bed and put all the clothes away! I am a free spirit I cannot live in a space that I cannot mess up every now and again. The worst part is that I am going to lose the house that I am trying to buy, I can heart broken, it has a little pond and a summer house and I can finaly have cats! Well I can dream and hope and pray that I can still go ahead and manage the deadline for buying the house!! Oh Lesson Time Cya All!

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Your element is Fire: Strong, hot tempered,
powerful, and passionate. Well now lets see,
being fire you are quite strong and powerful,
people look up to you greatly and often seek
your protection. You have the ability to gain
many friends and you are always one people can
count on to do what you say you will do. You
are extremely loyal be it friends or family
you'll stick up for them and you are never
willing to put them in a position that could
hurt them. You know what roll you play in life,
leader, and you intend to let people know it.
Not everyone is capable of leadership but you
certainly have the willpower and flare to do
it. You have quite a temper if it shows itself,
one that can often lead you into trouble. Once
your mind is made up there is no changing it
but no one said that was a bad thing.

.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

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Yes its morning again, and I am sitting at work with the biggest cup of coffee there is. The hardest thing I have to do every week is watch Thursday drag by. I have my Japanese lesson in the evening and it is the highlight of the (working) week, but by the end of the day I am in a comatosed state because of the dullness of this office! Being in the basement doesnt help either, the amount of light we get is minimal, and we have these flickering tubes of florecent lighting that make your eyes have a thuding, throbing pain all day long. I dont dare look in the mirror, I dont want the see the pale skinned face with dark circles around the eyes.
The only thing that is keeping me from running out screaming is the fact that next week is my birthday and I will be going away with my friends and partying until we drop! Oh and for the curiouse ones, partying for me means a Ghost in the Shell marathon followed by sleepless nights of playing StarCraft (the only game I can get to work multiplayer of on ALL of our laptops) while drinking cocktails and eating junk. Yes Im a geek and damn proud of it too! If you have any better ideas for a geeky party please let me know, I am all for having a good time!

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