Sunday, May 13, 2007

   Chat Box!

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Saturday, May 12, 2007

@_@
Doesn't it suck when your parents don't understand you? When they don't know anything about you, and they insist on thinking that you and everyone you hang out with is just super ultra evil?

Yeah, it kinda does suck. But I endure...
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Thursday, May 10, 2007

   >_>
I was uber depressed today. Why? I don't really know. But I'm all mellowed out pretty good...

I just want school to end so that I can lay around and do absolutely nothing within my boring home.

I might have fun this weekend. I hope so, anyway. I need the time away from home with my friends.

My allergies are going loco... and I don't want to jack myself up on pills... or do I? I'm need to lay down... I've felt dizzy like crazy today, and possibly really pale. I'll try to comment on some sites if I can.

Later.
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Wednesday, May 9, 2007

   Sigh...
I'm a little more sane today. I was feeling really emo yesterday, and cried my eyes out a couple of hours after school. And that's what sparked my little rant in the previous post. I never tell people how I'm feeling. I just ignore it. The only person I've ever really gotten super personal is with my guy, and that's because we're really good friends as well as lovers. It's true, I do push my pain down. It's practically a habit. My guy tells me it's not really good to do, and I know this. I just rather run away and forget everything. And that's not the smartest thing to do. I still wish I was stupid and ignorant enough to find cutting fun or whatever. At least I'm running away, but occupying my mind with another activity. But I probably won't. I'm offically in depression. I've been depressed for a while now. I just can't hold it any longer. I like this depression more than the whole he cheated and lied to me depression. I just want to sit around and chill, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not really my usual self. When I find myself being playful or joking around with people, yeah, I'm making those people laugh, but then I feel bad... I'm not very stressful, and that's good. Except I can't find my Algebra book anywhere, and I gotta turn it in like, next week I think... That's the only thing bugging me right now. I have my problems. But nobody knows that they're really fucked up things because I always hide it. If I'm having a major problem, I won't tell anyone. I just act normal. I hurt soooo much, but I hide it and act crazy, or crunk. I never want to bug anybody.

"To suffer myself, and not to make others suffer."

St. Madeleine Sophie Barat's motto, and it's so me. The me no one knows. I'm going to try to give up cursing. I'm getting to touch with my good side. I have no other direction in my life other than that. I seriously really really really want to go to a Catholic school. Start all over again... leave everything behind... leave everyone behind. I told my mom that I really wanted to, and she said "You know that means you're not going to graduate with all your friends, right?" I told her yeah. Catholic schools aren't so bad, and they provide more opportunities than this crappy joint. Here, there's nothing but whores, horny guys, drug addicts, assholes, dicks, fucking ugly asshole-dicks who harass the hell out of you, you know, the ones who won't leave you alone when you tell them to and they always got to ruin something.

I'm so mellow now, and that's good. I shouldn't feel so bad, because there's someone who really cares about me. And I care about him. He's perfect in every way, and when I get off the phone with him every night at 12 or 1, I go to sleep smiling. He's something I should live for. You know you're in a good relationship when your bestest guy friend in the world is your lover, too. Things always stay alive. Maybe I'm not so sad... Maybe I am. Whatever happens, I just need to get over it. Even if I push things down, I rather suffer myself than make others suffer. I'm not really being a pleaser, I'm just staying out of the way. Right now, I want to be alone. And that's not really a bad thing to want when you got a lot of things going on.
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Tuesday, May 8, 2007

   Someone bleach my sky...
I wish I was stupid and ignorant enought to cut myself. For some reason, I want myself to hurt. I'm so happy... the happiest I've ever been in my life... but I just... I don't deserve to be happy. Why do I insist on making my life hell? Why do I work for it? Why can't I enjoy my time being happy? I ruin everything, and it's true. I have people who care. But I've pushed them out of my heart... I'm not alone, yet, I feel like I am... and I hate the feeling... What is wrong with me?! I really wish I wasn't so smart... I wish I was so ignorant... I'm in love. and yet, I push myself away. Why? There's no need for me to do that... I don't want to go to school... I want to stay home, in my corner or my bed... when I look at people, I see their purity... when I look inside myself, I see my scars, my bullshit, my... pushing down of every little problem I have. Why do I do that?! Everything builds up... I feel like I'm alone. Now, I have no one to share my feelings with, except for you people. And I do nothing but be a hindrance. I don't want to go to school... I have good grades and perfect attendance, but I want to throw it all away...

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hiding all of my feelings. I'm alone now... How can a single human being survive on her own? Well, you know what? She can't. I need people... I need my best friend(s). But you know what? I can't have that. I can't. Why? Because I'm a bitch. My face is hideous. I'm way too skinny. My teeth are fucking jacked up. My hair is just so damn nappy; it's ugly. I don't have a pretty face, not even with make-up. I always hurt people. I have the world's worst personality. I'm a bitch. Now, I don't have anyone to go to... I hate myself, and I want to die. But I want to live and suffer. All I want is to live at least mildly content. But I can't. I'm sorry to everybody. I'm so sorry... I'm suffering, so don't worry. I'm dying. I really am. To everybody I've been a bitch to, I'm killing myself on the inside. And eventually, the outside. I'm sorry for being a bitch. I really am. Thank you for ignoring me. Thank you for hating me. Thank you for probably hating me like hell right now. Thank you for abandoning me at school. Thank you so much, because now, I might have the courage to off myself. And I really needed that. Seriously. It woke me up. I'm giving up cursing. I'm giving up being "crunk". I'm giving up being a bitch. I can't be playful anymore. I won't let myself be happy or crunk anymore. Thanks for helping me stop my stupid life. I really wanted it to stop.
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Saturday, April 28, 2007

   Eh.....
I've been so tired lately... but the good thing is that I've finally gotten through with all of those damned testes... Woo!

I'm thinking about putting up a Yu Yu Hakusho layout! Alright!

And yes, I shall visit more sites... I always seem to get lazy! >_<

So, how has everyone been?

Later.
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Sunday, April 22, 2007

   So Lazy....
I haven't updated in a while! Shame on me... and I haven't been visiting any sites, either...

Well, to start things off, I had an eventful day yesterday! My guy from 2 towns over came and visited me with this friend! It was so fun cuz we sat around and joked for hours. And somebody's lip-ginity was stolen! I was the theif, too! But SSSSHHHHHHHHHHH! It's a secret, kay? ^_^

My parents are at the last straw. They got in a big arguement last night, and I even had to hold my dad back cuz he was seriously about to use his pimp hand. But he hasn't left us or anything... yet. If he did leave, me and my mom wouldn't be able to survive financially. She's a good ole house wife, and I'm too young to get a job. But things have cooled down.
I just admire how calm I've been. I'm a tough chick, I guess.

Well, this week is the week: Subject-Area Testing! I might not be one much, due to me actually buckling down (amazing, huh?), but yeah. I'll try to visit everybody.

Take care.

Later.
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Friday, April 13, 2007

   Woo! It's Friday the 13th! Woo!
Yeah, Im all in an uppity mood, because of the day! I always seem to have good luck on Friday the 13th! It's all like, whoa!

Okay, I think I'm crossing the line with my excitement...

Woo!

*ahem* Anyway, I have THE BAND COMPETITION TOMORROW!! I gotta be up at the band hall at like 7, so I gotta wake up early...

Pray for us!!!!!!!!!!!!
We TOTALLY need it...

I had one of my friends flirt with me... and he was a little to touchy! See! It's the Friday the 13th luck!!!

Anyway, must chillax. See ya!

Later.
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Thursday, April 12, 2007

   *ahem* cough...
well, I'm beat. I haven't been getting my beauty sleep, so I'm just super ultra omega tired... >_<

If anyone is interested in getting a new layout, but don't really feel like doing all the work of looking for stuff and putting it all together, I'm here to help! If you're interested, pm and we'll talk business about cocai-I mean the new layout. '_';

my day was really slow... I really wanted to fall asleep in class, but I needed to pay attention because I'm buckling down for those damned subject-area state tests... yeah, I'm actually trying to apply myself. wacky, huh?

As I said earlier, I'm super tired, and I'm gonna try to get some booty sleep tonight.

Sorry today wasn't exactly eventful. When you live in central Mississippi, everyday's always boring...

Later. : \
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

   blurble.
had a kinda fun day today. I saw the sailor moon black dream hole movie with some friends at my house. we're all spics, and we love sailor moon. can't get any better than that!

I've been hankering to be a little creative lately, and last friday, I drew a funny little comic (with stick figures of course, to make it more entertaining) and it became a hit! it's super hilarious, cuz I centered it around my quite avid bookreading friend. maybe I'll scan it or something...
But everybody wants me to document their lives with my super funny stick figures. and the faces even resemble the actual people!

Neat, huh? It pays to be an anime fan!

Well, I'm running out of things to say. Hopefully, I'll have a fun day tomorrow.

Later! ^-^
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