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AIM
• xheleyx
E-mail
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Website
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Birthday
• 1992-02-21
Gender
•
Female
Location
• Mississippi
Member Since
• 2005-03-07
Occupation
• Musician, Cuban, your mother's pimp, and your father.
Real Name
• Helen
Personal
Achievements
• Getting awesome at the trombone is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
Anime Fan Since
• By the time Sailor Moon came out, I was already hooked like tobacco companies get kids hooked on cigs.
Favorite Anime
• I can't pick favs. I'm like Hugh Hefner, and all the anime that I like are like my bunnies... I love my wabbits...
Goals
• I hope to get into the Mississippi Lion's All-State Band and a great college... Like Notre Dame... *sigh*
Hobbies
• Being unique; cruising/hanging with friends; indulging in music, anime, video games, and the telly; hating sloths; making sweet music on low brass horns; stalking my old band director; injecting heroin... I enjoy many average things.
Talents
• What can I say? I have an awesome musical ability that I'm always trying to improve, and I can think outside of the box! In your faccccce.
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Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Sigh...
I'm a little more sane today. I was feeling really emo yesterday, and cried my eyes out a couple of hours after school. And that's what sparked my little rant in the previous post. I never tell people how I'm feeling. I just ignore it. The only person I've ever really gotten super personal is with my guy, and that's because we're really good friends as well as lovers. It's true, I do push my pain down. It's practically a habit. My guy tells me it's not really good to do, and I know this. I just rather run away and forget everything. And that's not the smartest thing to do. I still wish I was stupid and ignorant enough to find cutting fun or whatever. At least I'm running away, but occupying my mind with another activity. But I probably won't. I'm offically in depression. I've been depressed for a while now. I just can't hold it any longer. I like this depression more than the whole he cheated and lied to me depression. I just want to sit around and chill, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not really my usual self. When I find myself being playful or joking around with people, yeah, I'm making those people laugh, but then I feel bad... I'm not very stressful, and that's good. Except I can't find my Algebra book anywhere, and I gotta turn it in like, next week I think... That's the only thing bugging me right now. I have my problems. But nobody knows that they're really fucked up things because I always hide it. If I'm having a major problem, I won't tell anyone. I just act normal. I hurt soooo much, but I hide it and act crazy, or crunk. I never want to bug anybody.
"To suffer myself, and not to make others suffer."
St. Madeleine Sophie Barat's motto, and it's so me. The me no one knows. I'm going to try to give up cursing. I'm getting to touch with my good side. I have no other direction in my life other than that. I seriously really really really want to go to a Catholic school. Start all over again... leave everything behind... leave everyone behind. I told my mom that I really wanted to, and she said "You know that means you're not going to graduate with all your friends, right?" I told her yeah. Catholic schools aren't so bad, and they provide more opportunities than this crappy joint. Here, there's nothing but whores, horny guys, drug addicts, assholes, dicks, fucking ugly asshole-dicks who harass the hell out of you, you know, the ones who won't leave you alone when you tell them to and they always got to ruin something.
I'm so mellow now, and that's good. I shouldn't feel so bad, because there's someone who really cares about me. And I care about him. He's perfect in every way, and when I get off the phone with him every night at 12 or 1, I go to sleep smiling. He's something I should live for. You know you're in a good relationship when your bestest guy friend in the world is your lover, too. Things always stay alive. Maybe I'm not so sad... Maybe I am. Whatever happens, I just need to get over it. Even if I push things down, I rather suffer myself than make others suffer. I'm not really being a pleaser, I'm just staying out of the way. Right now, I want to be alone. And that's not really a bad thing to want when you got a lot of things going on.
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