Friday, December 9, 2011

I'm a fucking survivor

If that's one thing I learned from my mom. Is that I am a survivor and I don;t need a man to keep me alive and safe. I can take ANYTHING!!!!!! Well, now that I got that out of my system..... Wait. No. I haven't. I am trying to get myself stronger. All my old friends still want to be my friends. (even after I ditched them all to make Israel happy.) So I guess they are real? He said they are fake. I have so much love surrounded by me. He is not the only one who loves me and wanted to take care of me. I love ME and I want to take care of MYSELF!!!!!! I can do anything and I traveled here from my home town. I left my childhood, I left behind my fears. I left behind all those fucking lies. I left all the abuse. I don't need a fucking man to do the same exact shit my mom was doing to me. Picking and choosing my friends telling me what to wear Who I can hang out with telling me I can't see my family Calling me a whore Always judging me You don't take away from someone's life. you ADD to it. And that's all I have to say about that. So how are you all? I've been doing well. Talking with all my old friends. Some are coming up ere to visit me next week. How nice. Gonna party and chill. lol I'm going to Delaware in January to party for my 21st birthday with my best friend Alyssa and my family is going to take me out too. I am going to finally buy a car with the money I earned like always. ^_~ Then I start school and then I am on my way to fantastic career! Then I will make new friends, new relationships and most importantly be healthy. My friends are so proud of me that I finally let him go now. And I never once got a flare up!!!!! Not once! I'm done with this shit! He can go and control another weak girl. She can live that life of a slave. I wont. I can find someone who will let me love and be myself. Express my opinions and not call me a whore if I am a little outrageous and spunky and funny and dress how I want. (I never dressed like a whore but he said I did.) You guys seen my pictures? I never look like a whore! Jeez. He seriously has more pride than his looks perceive. I am a beautiful woman who has so many things going for me. I'm smart, loving, funny, faithful. I'm great and I would rather spend that with my friends and new people who are NORMAL!!!!!!! Anyway, I hope you guys are doing well in school. I know that finals are going on and I know that you all are going to do well and pass and get those degrees. I hope to hear from you all soon! How are your holiday plans going? Lots of fun and family? I sure hope so. ^_^ I love you all my Otaku sisters! And thank you all so much for encouraging words and your patience. You all have listened to a lot of my crap and my loveless love with him. Gosh how stupid was I? You should have told me I was a freaking crazy girl. HAHA Please help me to never go back to him.....

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Well, this gonna be a sbort post because I am updating on my ipod. The charger of my computer is broken so I cant really use my laptop because well, its dead. its really hrd to type on here but i am getting better. Hey maybe I will get an iphone. Lol so I still miss Israel ans I want to call him so bad but I dont want to look needy or stupid. He paid the phone bill last night and we stort of talked. But it wasnt much. i just thanked him and he said yeah. This is breaking my heart so much but all of you make me feel so much better. all my myotaku sisters are so great! Plus I am so happy that I am talking to my sister again. I reallh want to visit her but I am afraid she wont be able to get away from my mom.......... well I have to go to work at around 6 pm. I work till 10. Lol i have so much to talk about but I dont wanna fight with this ipod keypad. Take care everyone! I love you all

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Perfect song right now

This song is perfect to explain what I feel..... Jeez. It's like she is going through exactl what happend to me. I keep listening to it over and over.....

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Well, I have to say, I just can't stay away from my secret little club house. Friends. you have been so great to me and Kikii? You have been so wonderful too. Everyone's kind and caring words are making me feel better. So, as you may know Israel left me once again. I don't know if he was just making another excuse or if he just really doesn't love me anymore. all I know is that I put so much of my heart into him that I don't know how to get it back. I want him to be with me so much but the more I think about it the more it kills me...... So, How have you all been? Anything planned for the Holidays? Anything on the wish list? I don't think I will be getting anything for Christmas but right now I don't want anything but peace. So I finally got foodstamps. Finally! Apparently if you are trying to better yourself in this world they deny you but if you don't work and don't do anything you can get them like easy. I had to fight for mine. Which sucks. They want so much stuff from me that other people don't have to give. (It's because I am a college student and they want to make sure I work 20 plus hours and make a certain amount of money) They denied me because I made less than 20 hours a week. "That don't make no sense!!!!!" Anyway, I guess that is my best Christmas gift. Food. Yum! I need to stay on a specific diet to keep my flares away. I'm surprised I didn't break out in one When Israel broke up with me. Heh, I must be getting stronger. Or just used to the shit. Oh and Israel called me this morning. Turns out he did not change his number. He is paying the phone bill for this month and after that, I dunno what will happen. I have to call him and tell him what I want. (What does he think I want? duh? To be with him?) Jeez, I hate this. I can't tell if this is the start of a great new year or a crappy one. Anyway, I think it's best that I get away from these thoughts of Israel. I have good friends everywhere: Here on the MyO, my sister back home, my good friends I made at my old job, and some people up here. ^_^ So much support and it makes me feel so strong! Ok today at work my manager Pat came up and she was asking Anthony if we had anymore cashiers coming up soon because she need the milk filled. She was like "why did they give me all girls?" Then Anthony said Mike comes in at 1 pm. and she was like I need it done now. She asked Anthony to do it but he couldn't so I was like hey I have done dairy in my old store I can do it. She looked shocked that a little girl like me could and have done dairy and stocking before. So I felt so cool stocking. Apparently, women don't stock at my store. All the guys were like "Whaaaat? A girl stocking and lifting? No way!" Haha Yeah I can so do that. It's really not that hard. Plus I am tired of Mike and Eichy always getting to leave the register to do the same thing just because they are guys. I so did it and Pat was (I think) happy that I did it so well. Now she gave me 30 hours and asked me to cover some shifts. Can you say extra money? YAY! Pay off my credit card bill and everything. Yes..... Haha! And Shop for my friends. And myself since I will be my Santa Clause. Ugh hold on my internet is really sucking right now. The signal keeps going out. I hope I can update. Blah. Well, I am hungry now. (got some of my appetite back)

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Your voice chased all the sanity from me

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Words can not define how terribly hurt and upset I am. I think I will take a vacation from the Myotaku for a while but I will be sure to comment and read your updates. Please if you feel the need to talk to me my email is Jazzi18@killamail.com. I am at a loss for words right now and I don't think I will be okay and I don't want to post it here. I am sorry friends...... Sorry for everything.

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Special Day

Today will be a short post. I couldn't sleep for some reason. My mind kept me up and so did my aching back. Today is my little brother's birthday. I can't believe how fast this year went by. I want so much to talk to him but I know I can't talk to my mom. I have to call her to get in touch and my sister's phone number has been changed. It hurts to know that I don't have a normal mom. who only wants people around if they will give her money. I know that is the only way she will talk to me. That's why she stopped talking to me a little after my grandma died. It was because I didn't have any more money to give her. I know that what my mom is doing is not what my grandma would have wanted. Just because I moved away did not mean I didn't want to help but I can't pay and get hurt living there anymore. I was going so crazy and I was going down a bad path. I just wish someone understood. But hey! That is what my novel is going to be about. lol All of this trouble I went through. lol Anyway, Happy birthday TJ! I miss you and love you and I would have sent you money but there is no way I could because no one gave me an address or bank account to send it too. All I know is that Brie could call me because my number has never changed. Oh well.

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Black Friday Spreeeeee!

Well, I don't think I could have been any more exhausted from this week. I've been working all week with no breaks and I even had to work on Thanksgiving. No problem though. I got home around 4:30 pm and I was able to finish the Turkey and dinner sides. But I didn't want to go out shopping at midnight. I was up since 5:30 am and I really didn't want to go up against the people who have been preparing for Black Friday for like ever. But I was able to get a cheap Ipod and a bath robe at Victoria Secret plus the Secret Gift Card. If you bu something 10 dollars and up from Victoria's Secret, they will give you a Free gift card with at least 10 dollars on it but it could have $50, $100, or $500!!!!! I wont get so lucky but I wouldn't mind something more than $10. I love Victoria Secret. Anyway, today wasn't so bad. I was able to sleep in a lot and catch up on all the rest I was missing. I had lunch with my grandma today too. That was a nice surprise. I think she went out today and got new furniture. I think she was taking advantage of all the sales that are going onto today. There were a lot of sales but I guess I missed all the Really good ones. Oh well. I don't have a lot of money and I charge most of it to my credit card. I've been paying that off $80 at a time but now I have charged like $140 more onto it making it about a 300 dollar bill. Israel will probably help me pay it off. Oh and he is going to come and see my in January for my birthday! I'm so excited! I really miss him and I can't wait for him to move here with me so we can buy our house. We were looking before in Florida but I changed my mind about being there..... All this stuff just makes me confused...... All I know is that now I just need to focus on school and I just want to get my degree. In about three semester I should be able to graduate with my science Lab tech degree and then I will go for Medical Lab degree. I just want this so much and it's all I can really focus on right now....... I'm starting to get depressed and anxious and it's causing me to get ulcers I swear. It's like I want everything right now and I can't have it yet. I have been working so hard and getting what I want but I feel so far away from it all and it's not fair anymore. At least, I don't think so. I've been in school for a while now, since 2009 and I still don't have a degree. I must be stupid. Plus I don't have the money to go to school like other people. It sucks being so poor. Well, I think I am going to go now. I am going to call Israel and then possibly go to sleep or look online for some more ideas for gifts. I'm getting sleep though. Tomorrow I don't work either. Thank heavens I have it off. That way I can sleep in some more. Okay everyone I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving!!! I will post another time

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Happy Thanksging to all you wonderful people!

So it's that time again and I have the hardest time feeling like it's Thanksgiving and Christmas. I feel like it's just another month now. I don't have enough money for a car and I don't have my sister and brother with me. Plus I don't have Israel. For some reason, I have been missing my sister a lot. we were so close but my mom and high school separated us. I wish sometimes that I could go back to being 14 and 15 just so I can be with my sister again. Life really sucked but if I could go back in time with what I knew now I would have been able to be near my sister and help her with what she was going through. She used to have a MyOtaku account too. Her name was Kikii. She is my friend on here still too. I wish sometimes that she could go back here and blog. Her posts used to be so funny and she talked about a lot of what we went through. I'm getting so depressed thinking about all this. So, today I worked from 11:00 am to 4:30 pm. Tomorrow I have to work 10:00 am to 4:30. Then I will eat dinner and then get ready for Black Friday shopping. I really only want to try and get my dad an Ipod for like less than half the original price. I think he deserves one. He only has an old MP3 that plays only like 30 songs. plus he can have all his music on an Ipod so I don't have to keep rotating songs over and over again. I think I am going to get Caroline a DVD player so she can watch movies away from my room. She keeps me up all night and I think she tries to wake me up in the morning cause she is pissed that I don't have to work in the morning. I woke up one morning cause she flashed a freaking flash light or phone directly into my eyes from the door way. What the Hell? I hate this..... and I really don't like her. But she can be so nice at times. But I think it's fake. I really can't wait to get my own home. Well, everyone, I think I am going to go now. i wanted to right more but I think I will write another time. I have to make two cheesecakes and a green bean casserole, and other dishes for tomorrow. that way, I can eat and wont have to cook to much after work. then I have to get up real early and put the Turkey in so by the time I am home, It will be done! yay! This Saturday I am having lunch with my Uncle Charles and Uncle Terry. I can't wait! I love talking with them plus I really like to get to know them better. Okay, before I go I have a serious question to ask. So you know my situation with my mother and you know how mean she can be...... But I know her number well, I think it's her same number. Should I call her? Should I send her money? What should i do? I want to talk to her because I want to see my sister and my brother. If I can just get in the door that way maybe I can come and visit them. What should I do? I'm so confused. Israel doesn't want me to talk to them at all but I don't think I can do that. My mom doesn't want anything to do with me because I am not giving her money. Plus she says to everyone that I left them and I left behind my responsibilities. I stopped working and stopped getting beat by her. It was horrible people and I hope one day everyone will understand. I didn't leave to just be selfish. I left to save myself and I wish I could have took my sister and brother with me and I want to bring them up here with me too. My mom may be sick but she makes it hard for me to really want to be near her...... even the way she told me how my grandma died. Told it me it was all my fault! Anyway, I just wanted some advice on that because I miss my siblings more than I miss my mother. Well, I found out that I have to wait on making the food. Geez, I am so tired and run down. But I am not even working that hard! It's all this lack of sleep bull. Caroline is making want to scream! I know that it's not fair that I need quiet but who the hell stays up till 2 in the morning drinking beer after beer and smoking two packs of cigarettes. And she has to get up at 7 in the morning to get to work and then she treats everyone like crap because she has to get up. If she went to bed early then she wouldn't have to worry about feeling so tired. She says she isn't a morning person but even if she wakes up at noon she still acts like a bitch. Ugh. Sorry, I just needed to vent and now I feel better. Thank you. Haha! I think Israel is going to be home soon..... Maybe he will call? Oh darn, and Caroline is coming home now too. I don't want her to be here. I hope she goes back to Scotland. Oh and I think I am going to start writing a novel. I already have a basis and a few chapters written but I don't know, should I go for it? I want to apply what I went through in life and just make some things come alive in a book or maybe write a few? Should I go for it? If I do I will print it and send you guys copies and you can tell me what you think. If I get enough feedback from you about whether I should do it, I will have it done by like, next November or December. It's gonna be kind of a dark book with lots of rights and wrongs but it's like If you chose the one you think is right it may be wrong. Kind of like how life works right? Haha! I've had these few chapters written since I was 17 but now I feel like I can complete the novel and then make some more. But only if the first one is good. Well, November through December I am going to be playing the songs that take me back to when I was 14 and with my sister. around this time makes me think about the most memorable things that happened with my sister and all the shit we went through. So, as a tribute to me and her, I will play these songs. ^_^ I hope you guys wont mind. Anyway, I will let you all go now. I feel like I have written to much. thank you all for your advice and recommendations. I look forward to reading them and giving them all some thought. I feel like I am in a weird place at the moment. Missing my family and Israel and having these feelings that want to take me back to the Dark Times? OI don't know what to do with myself these days now. Well, you all take care and have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!! Okay guys!!!!1 I just seen that my sister just updated not too long ago! Please go to her site! her name is Kikii and she is in my friends list. Please please go say hi to her and let her know people are still here!!! Please!

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Getting better day by day!

La La La! So, today I was able to sleep in and rest up. I have today, tomorrow, and Saturday off. That means I will hopefully get completely better from this cold/flu thing I seem to have gotten. I've worked through this thing and even though I felt like crap, I never called out of work. Yes! I feel good about that. I don't feel lazy. Well, normally I would have called out but I don't want to lose any hours. I even stayed three hours later than I should have at work so I can rack up more $$$. That's what I really need right now so I can get a car by January. So, tonight I am going to make dinner. Baked Shake 'n' Bake crunchy chicken strips, seasoned potato pieces, and corn on the cob. Plus some bread rolls. I think that will be a good dinner. I'm so hungry right now. I only had one piece of pizza today and a small bowl of ice cream (Mint Chocolate brownie!) for lunch today but now I am ready for some dinner! Woo! I didn't talk to Israel much today. He's been pretty busy with work and helping coach our old high schools wrestling team. I think that is good for him. It keeps him from being bored and it gives him some sort of happiness. Plus! Israel is going to come up here in January to spend a week with me for the holidays. It's late but work wont let us see each other around Christmas time. He said we will exchange our presents then. ^_^ I'm so excited to see him! He wants me to go to Florida for a few days too but I don't know if i will have the money or means to go. I want to go so bad but I ma not be able too and I am sure he will understand. Me and him have been getting better and I have been standing up for myself. Plus I feel stronger now by myself and I don't feel like I need him to do everything for me. I just feel more empowered. So, It's been about two and a half weeks since I've had a flare up! I am hoping to keep this up by eating fewer meals so my bowels aren't always working, eating healthier, and keeping up on my Asacol HD meds and my fish oil supplements. Apparently, fish oil helps keep inflammation down in the intestines. I haven't been using my old hydrocortizone steroids at all! Which is good because those meds can really cause health problems like bone, muscle, and nutrient problems. I just hope I stay in remission for a long long time. ^_^ Well, I hope everyone is doing well. What are your plans for the holidays? Working? Taking time off? I hope everyone gets time off to spend with friends and family. I hope the winter doesn't get to cold and nasty too. I want you all to enjoy it! Okay, take care my friends. I'm off to make dinner!

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