Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas everyone! I am too tired to update tonight but I will update as soon as possible. Got lots to say. ^_^ I just want to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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Merry Merry Month

Well now I can see that you all have questions and I have answers! One: Okay, the reason why I don't want to check up on Israel is because well, at this point why bother with a man that I want nothing to do with. why would my friend keep him on there when she doesn't talk to him anyway? they only added each other because he was with me. They were not friends before hand and they aren't real friends now. So something isn't adding up and I am not going to really talk to her to much anymore. only because I don't want to be near anyone who talks to Israel. In a way, it kind of feels like betrayal. Of a friend..... Plus, Israel doesn't know it and I have a deactivated account in which we are still friends. I go on late at night read his wall, see how happy he is and I deactivate it again. So, whatever. Thats why I am moving on without him. He isn't even phased. he seems happier without me and now, I am happier without him. Two Well, I met Richard eleven years ago in 5th grade. We had a "puppy" love and when my mom found out that I liked him, she told me to never ever talk to him again. So I disappeared anyway and well, we both sorta found each other because we both got tagged in our 5th grade class picture and well, it went on from there. We talked over IM and then on the phone. Now he is flying me down to see him in January to make things more.... serious. Three This isn't a way to substitute Israel. I thought it over and over when I was starting to really like Richard (again) -_-' but as I thought and thought, nothing seemed to say no. Nothing told me that this is a bad idea. so, when he asked me to be his baby I said yes and ever since, the skies have literally been blue. How cool! So this will be long distance but I can do this. I have done it before and I am a good person. I can be faithful. plus, I can be myself. We talk for hours on the phone and it's exciting to have someone who knows and likes the same things I do. Never had that before. I think maybe this could work ad long as I forget about Israel. ^_^ So today, I ended up baking all day. My dad was like my taste tester and he said it was all really great! So, yes, whoever gets these sweets will have a treat! Plus, I filled in all my Christmas cards and I have them all read to send off for tomorrow. Hopefully they get to their destinations on time. ^_^ Well, tomorrow I work all day again. I work Tuesday through Sunday. Good thing its all morning shifts. that means I have the night to finish Christmas. ^_^ Okay well, I am gonna get going now. I have to check up to see if my sister emailed me. I miss her. I hope she calls back again soon. I want to see her when I go to Florida again. Plus i am excited to actually see Richard again. EEEEP! So excited.

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So strong now ladies and gents (just in case some of you stopped by). Well, I am over Israel from now on. To be honest, I don't know who the hell would be with that man ever in a million years..... Well, actually, a weak woman would have been. So, it's only be two weeks since me and Israel have ended it and it feels like a whole year! The only thing I have a problem with is my friend Alyssa. Now, first of all, you all know what Israel has done to me and how he has hurt me over and over again right? Well Alyssa knows too. She saw it first hand. Now, when we broke up and I told her how serious it was and that he has blocked all contact with me she was there for me. So I asked her to delete him off her facebook and told her how I felt about it. She said she will delete him. Now she has been on facebook for a while now and never deleted him and I asked her again a few days ago. She said shes been busy but how hard iis it to click an X by someone's name? Knowing that I really feel hurt by this? She said she hated him and she can't stand what he's done to me. Now, I ask her today about Israel and asked her why she hasn't deleted him. She said that she was not going to delete him. And I asked her why? She said that it's not a deep friendship and that they are facebook friends and that she isn't going to talk bad about me with him or go out and have drinks with him. So, that hurt my feelings a lot. Because if it's not deep, then why not delete him. Does she care about how many friends she has on facebook? Does she not care about how I feel? After knowing how much it hurts me? My stomach felt sick and I just wanted to stop being her friend all together. What should I do? I had such a sick feeling inside. Why would she not delete him? Now, second of all, If anyone on my facebook hasn't noticed, I have a new relationship blooming. and it's beautiful. So wonderful and peaceful. I have rekindled with an old old friend of mine that I knew eleven years ago. He lives in St. Pete (my home town) but at this point, I wouldn't mind a long distance. I have been doing it for a while and to be honest, nothing in my gut or brain is telling me "no" about this man. Me and him used to be best of friends and we had a crush on each other and now he is this good looking smart, open minded, amazing person! We have so much in common and lots that we don't have in common which makes conversations so interesting. I think i am falling for him so bad.... like a love. Buut I don't want to say that yet. Because I don't "really" love him. I just love our connection. I think when we say it for real, it will be the best thing ever. I've been having phone dates with him every night. They last forever. He tells me how great I am and that I should never let anyone hurt who I am and tear down my open mind. He says that I am his perfect match and he wants this chance with me and he will be with me soon. For now, we are just going to visit back and forth. I trust him. Which is weird. I shouldn't trust anyone at this point. But why do I trust him? Is it because he's nothing like anyone I have ever met. He is so smart!!!!! Gosh! Plus, I can't stop smiling. I see the old me again. I am getting so much better and I am better without Israel. third, I also got to talk to my sister. It was great! I no longer feel like she hates me anymore.... I am going to go to Florida so I can see her. I just hope she will be able to at the time. I want to spend time with her and hug her again. I love her so much! I just want to take her with me and have her live with me now. I hope one day we can be close again. I pray that we will be...... As for now, I have to work all week. I haven't stopped. All my days off have been work days too. Work called me in. work in bakery, work with Santa, cover someone else's shift, blah. And work has me working on Christmas eve. But it's from 9 to 3 so I can have the night to myself and enjoy Christmas. thank heavens. ^_^ Well, thank you for taking the time to read my post. I hope you all are doing well. It's about time for me and my new man to talk on our phone date. ^_~ Good night my friends!!!! love you!

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Tis the Season to be Jolly

Feeling a bit weak sometimes..... I called Israel but no answer. haha I don't know why I did that. But heh, I'm not so crazy anymore. In a way I did snap. Plus I finally woke up to what he has been doing to me all that time. It's best that I stay far away from him at this point. that way his spell can wear off. I have been keeping myself busy at work. Every day I have been working non stop and today they want me in the bakery. I never worked in there before but I am sure I will learn fast. However this was supposed to be my day off and they told me last night at like 7 that I am going to have to cover for the Bakery manager...... Wow. I better not work Christmas Eve!!!! I haven't had a day off in 7 days going on nine. My next day off is on Friday. I may just call out on Sunday because my friend is leaving that day and I want to say good bye to him. On Saturday I had to be at work (they switched my shift) so I could work with Santa and help decorate cookies with kids. I liked that because all I did was sit down. I didn't even get onto a register. Thank heavens. Well, I dunno what to say. Oh! Yeah, I went Christmas shopping and got a few things for some friends and family. Gotta back all my goodies to give in those Christmas tins too. I love Christmas so much. I am so happy that I got out of my deep depression before it was too late. Yay! Now I can enjoy it. however I am getting sick of hearing that song "All I Want For Christmas Is You." I went into Macys and it came on and I quickly turned around and went to Nordstrams. Haha I hate that song!!!! i've heard it more than 100 time so far. I don't care what Mariah Carey wants. lol Anyways, I am going to get going. Gotta check my food stamp card to make sure my 200 bucks went on. I'm hungry and have no money at all to spend. I hope you all are doing well. Good luck on the final exams and enjoy your days off! *hugs*

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I'm a fucking survivor

If that's one thing I learned from my mom. Is that I am a survivor and I don;t need a man to keep me alive and safe. I can take ANYTHING!!!!!! Well, now that I got that out of my system..... Wait. No. I haven't. I am trying to get myself stronger. All my old friends still want to be my friends. (even after I ditched them all to make Israel happy.) So I guess they are real? He said they are fake. I have so much love surrounded by me. He is not the only one who loves me and wanted to take care of me. I love ME and I want to take care of MYSELF!!!!!! I can do anything and I traveled here from my home town. I left my childhood, I left behind my fears. I left behind all those fucking lies. I left all the abuse. I don't need a fucking man to do the same exact shit my mom was doing to me. Picking and choosing my friends telling me what to wear Who I can hang out with telling me I can't see my family Calling me a whore Always judging me You don't take away from someone's life. you ADD to it. And that's all I have to say about that. So how are you all? I've been doing well. Talking with all my old friends. Some are coming up ere to visit me next week. How nice. Gonna party and chill. lol I'm going to Delaware in January to party for my 21st birthday with my best friend Alyssa and my family is going to take me out too. I am going to finally buy a car with the money I earned like always. ^_~ Then I start school and then I am on my way to fantastic career! Then I will make new friends, new relationships and most importantly be healthy. My friends are so proud of me that I finally let him go now. And I never once got a flare up!!!!! Not once! I'm done with this shit! He can go and control another weak girl. She can live that life of a slave. I wont. I can find someone who will let me love and be myself. Express my opinions and not call me a whore if I am a little outrageous and spunky and funny and dress how I want. (I never dressed like a whore but he said I did.) You guys seen my pictures? I never look like a whore! Jeez. He seriously has more pride than his looks perceive. I am a beautiful woman who has so many things going for me. I'm smart, loving, funny, faithful. I'm great and I would rather spend that with my friends and new people who are NORMAL!!!!!!! Anyway, I hope you guys are doing well in school. I know that finals are going on and I know that you all are going to do well and pass and get those degrees. I hope to hear from you all soon! How are your holiday plans going? Lots of fun and family? I sure hope so. ^_^ I love you all my Otaku sisters! And thank you all so much for encouraging words and your patience. You all have listened to a lot of my crap and my loveless love with him. Gosh how stupid was I? You should have told me I was a freaking crazy girl. HAHA Please help me to never go back to him.....

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Well, this gonna be a sbort post because I am updating on my ipod. The charger of my computer is broken so I cant really use my laptop because well, its dead. its really hrd to type on here but i am getting better. Hey maybe I will get an iphone. Lol so I still miss Israel ans I want to call him so bad but I dont want to look needy or stupid. He paid the phone bill last night and we stort of talked. But it wasnt much. i just thanked him and he said yeah. This is breaking my heart so much but all of you make me feel so much better. all my myotaku sisters are so great! Plus I am so happy that I am talking to my sister again. I reallh want to visit her but I am afraid she wont be able to get away from my mom.......... well I have to go to work at around 6 pm. I work till 10. Lol i have so much to talk about but I dont wanna fight with this ipod keypad. Take care everyone! I love you all

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Perfect song right now

This song is perfect to explain what I feel..... Jeez. It's like she is going through exactl what happend to me. I keep listening to it over and over.....

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Well, I have to say, I just can't stay away from my secret little club house. Friends. you have been so great to me and Kikii? You have been so wonderful too. Everyone's kind and caring words are making me feel better. So, as you may know Israel left me once again. I don't know if he was just making another excuse or if he just really doesn't love me anymore. all I know is that I put so much of my heart into him that I don't know how to get it back. I want him to be with me so much but the more I think about it the more it kills me...... So, How have you all been? Anything planned for the Holidays? Anything on the wish list? I don't think I will be getting anything for Christmas but right now I don't want anything but peace. So I finally got foodstamps. Finally! Apparently if you are trying to better yourself in this world they deny you but if you don't work and don't do anything you can get them like easy. I had to fight for mine. Which sucks. They want so much stuff from me that other people don't have to give. (It's because I am a college student and they want to make sure I work 20 plus hours and make a certain amount of money) They denied me because I made less than 20 hours a week. "That don't make no sense!!!!!" Anyway, I guess that is my best Christmas gift. Food. Yum! I need to stay on a specific diet to keep my flares away. I'm surprised I didn't break out in one When Israel broke up with me. Heh, I must be getting stronger. Or just used to the shit. Oh and Israel called me this morning. Turns out he did not change his number. He is paying the phone bill for this month and after that, I dunno what will happen. I have to call him and tell him what I want. (What does he think I want? duh? To be with him?) Jeez, I hate this. I can't tell if this is the start of a great new year or a crappy one. Anyway, I think it's best that I get away from these thoughts of Israel. I have good friends everywhere: Here on the MyO, my sister back home, my good friends I made at my old job, and some people up here. ^_^ So much support and it makes me feel so strong! Ok today at work my manager Pat came up and she was asking Anthony if we had anymore cashiers coming up soon because she need the milk filled. She was like "why did they give me all girls?" Then Anthony said Mike comes in at 1 pm. and she was like I need it done now. She asked Anthony to do it but he couldn't so I was like hey I have done dairy in my old store I can do it. She looked shocked that a little girl like me could and have done dairy and stocking before. So I felt so cool stocking. Apparently, women don't stock at my store. All the guys were like "Whaaaat? A girl stocking and lifting? No way!" Haha Yeah I can so do that. It's really not that hard. Plus I am tired of Mike and Eichy always getting to leave the register to do the same thing just because they are guys. I so did it and Pat was (I think) happy that I did it so well. Now she gave me 30 hours and asked me to cover some shifts. Can you say extra money? YAY! Pay off my credit card bill and everything. Yes..... Haha! And Shop for my friends. And myself since I will be my Santa Clause. Ugh hold on my internet is really sucking right now. The signal keeps going out. I hope I can update. Blah. Well, I am hungry now. (got some of my appetite back)

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Your voice chased all the sanity from me

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Words can not define how terribly hurt and upset I am. I think I will take a vacation from the Myotaku for a while but I will be sure to comment and read your updates. Please if you feel the need to talk to me my email is Jazzi18@killamail.com. I am at a loss for words right now and I don't think I will be okay and I don't want to post it here. I am sorry friends...... Sorry for everything.

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