Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Ramblings about my sanity
This weekend was one of the oddest weekends since...well, before I can remember.

First of all, I was already in an weird mood by Friday. It was really humid, which always does odd things to my thought processes. Anyway, I woke up on Friday with scratch marks in the crook of my elbow. Not just, oh yea, I had an itch, but perfect straight lines down the outsides.

Anyway, I was ok by the time school started. Friday night, well, let's just say that sucked. Our choir's got three III's at contest. Sad. I was in a bad mood, and that didn't help matters.

Saturday started pretty well. I went to Sioux Falls with Nikki and Trevor.(her boyfriend) I wasn't in my usual crazy-money-spender mood. I only bought two things. I was content to aimlessly wander the mall, losing Nikki and Trevor at least seven times-and not even noticing! Definitely not me. Nikki was pissed, and wanted to just leave me there.

That night I went to my little sister's play-a good time to space out. Then I saw Van Helsing with Amber. Awesome movie, in my opinion (I'll talk about it after I see it again on Friday) It didn't help my mood, though. I was kind of crazy. Talking about vampires and werewolves-Just saying weird stuff, and after I say it, wondering who was talking.

Sunday night was the worst. First of all, there was a tornado north of my house. We weren't in any danger, so my hillbilly parents went out and filmed it for a half hour while I watched the Survivor Finale (I didn't care about that either)

A while later, I glanced out the window and saw that the light had changed-the sky was now orange, instead of the usual stormy grey. I went outside-in my socks, mind you-and watched the clouds. For some reason I had a pliers in my hand (I think I took it off the counter on my way out, but who knows.)

I stood there, just staring at the clouds. I don't really remember what I was thinking. My parents came out. They asked me what the h*!! I was doing. I HAD BEEN OUTSIDE FOR AN HOUR! I didn't even realize it. My sister had come out a while before and talked to me-I don't remember that either! They were mad. I was soaked-apparently it rained while I was out there.

It's so weird-I just feel like I'm not myself. Just little things-like the fact that when I'm nervous I pinch the bridge of my nose without realizing it. The fact that I'm always cracking my wrists. I’m spacing a lot too. Monday was crazy. Lately I just don’t care. I’m sick of having to deal with everything. I’m just doing what I have to in order to survive. And waiting for summer vacation. Oh well. That’s the way it goes, isn’t it?
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Monday, April 19, 2004

How could I forget!
I just posted a minute ago, but guess what I forgot to say...IT WAS MY 16th BIRTHDAY SATURDAY! AHHHH! Ok, there. I spent my birthday running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to remember how many kids I was playing piano for. Wonderful. I guess two I's was a good birthday present.

Anyway, I officialy got my licensce today. YEA! I can drive. All by myself. I CAN CRUISE, MAN! Yea...this is gonna be great. I can finally go to roleplaying...I can drive myself to school...to work...to the movies...wherever. If I wanted to I could just keep driving forever...or until I ran out of gas. YEA!
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Life in General
So much little stuff going on...figured I'd just write something!

First, we had solo contest on Saturday. Bad news first: The judges were royal @$$es. No kidding. The Center 1 judge gave the worst ratings ever. A lot of my friends, and some of the best singers in our choir, got II's or III's. It was a bloody massacre. I was so pissed (and also scared for myself.) I happened to be lucky-I was in Center 3 (although they were just as tough-most of my friends there got II's) I got a I in vocal and a I in Sax. There. I said it. I hate to tell people my ratings, because their eyes turn green, and I'm afraid they're going to kill me and steal my identity. I almost feel like I can't be proud of myself for fear of sounding even the least bit braggy. Oh well.

Anyway, one other good thing about contest: Amber and my archrival was there: Jessica Shoemaker! GRR! She went to music camp with us, and as far as the professors were concerned, she walked on water. She was the best piano player and vocalist they've ever had. Not to mention she's really stuck up.

So, when Amber found out she beat Jessica at state piano contest, we both went nuts. Call us petty, but we loved it. Then, icing on the cake...Jessica got a II on her vocal solo! AHHH! I BEAT HER! Ok, moment of petty happiness over.

Lastly, on the Sunday school issue-PRAISE THE LORD! All the jocks left. Yup. I came back this week to find that the same week we left, they left. They went to the freshman class (showing they're true maturity level). How ironic. They claimed "they can't stand the fighting." That's fine with me. It's much better now that they left. We actually had an interesting discussion on hypnotism and the paranormal dealing with the church. (I don't quite know how we got there, considering the lesson was on one of the 50 reasons Christ died for us.) Hm. Oh well.

I stand corrected. The scripture quoting girl stayed. I don't know why, and I'm not going to ask. She seemed kind of bucky to almost every opinion I had, but heck, that gives me opportunity to learn how to defend myself better, so I don't care. The in-betweens also stayed. They actually helped in the discussion a little (usually they take a cue from the jocks and don't talk.)

On the whole, the class seemed a lot better. Although the class the jocks fleed to is run by the pastor, so he probably hears them complain and hates us losers. But heck, the whole church is made of sinners, losers, and fools, whether the self-rightous will admit it or not! AH HA! Sorry. Going a little crazy...must sleep!
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Monday, April 12, 2004

Sunday school blues.
My Sunday School is hell. Literally. I am shunned within my own church. AND I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING WRONG! Except for, I don't know, have an opinion? with the will and desire to express said opinion? GRRRR!

Ok, this is how it started. We have, on one corner, the 5 jock/preps. Cool. Self-righteous. And they never participate (It's, like, so below them.) In the other, we have the 3 music freaks: Myself, Amber, and Cortney. We are loud. Confident. And love a good discussion. Throw in two or three in-betweens (not cool enough for group A, but not willing to lower themselves to Group B.)Recipe for disaster? You bet.

It started when group B went on an equal-rights music kick. The teachers would always use sports metaphors to get the point across (Which makes no sense, because the jocks aren't even listening)We then would make up music metaphors for the same situation. Group A decided that we were getting too big for our extremely un-cool britches. So they start to make fun of us. And even if it was about the lesson, our opinions and such I could handle it. But they'd diss on us personally (our clothes, music, style, ect). That pissed me off in a great hurry. Soon Sunday School was a battlefield, and all our teachers could do was watch.

Of course, the jocks got the teachers approval. At least on Wednesday nights. Sunday's were a little more even, but our teacher was young and dumb. I mean, I could prove him wrong half the time!

Anyway, Eventually it got so bad that some of the jocks left. They claimed they weren't learning anything because we (group B) talk too much. *rolls eyes* Anyway, it got a little better. Still, the preacher’s son was giving me the worst trouble. I finally blew up when a girl in group A (who actually isn't too bad...she participates, but she still hates us) read a whole bunch of scripture about being friends with our fellow Christians. I could handle that, but everyone glared at me. ME. I then said that I would try to hold my tongue if they would do the same. They laugh. *rolls eyes*

Then...a miracle. Actually, two. First, Wednesday night church is done. Ron, my teacher, hated me. Mostly because I spoke my mind and often would try to get in-depth discussions by asking questions. How Dare I?

Anyway, My mom was going to have surgery the next week (wait, that's not the good news...) She taught 3-4 year olds, and she couldn't find anyone to replace her while she was recuperating. Enter group B. We got to get out of that war zone to help teach. YEA! It hasn't been easy, but it's better than class. I probably learned more with 3-4 year olds anyway! ;)

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Thursday, April 8, 2004

Excuse my absence
Yea. I haven't been able to post for a while. I was busy stressing about our school musical, Grease. Yea, I'm officially sick of that. I played tenor sax in the pit (which was interesting, trying to learn how to play that beast in less than a week.) then I had All-state Speech, which I don't feel like talking about because James did a fine job on his Otaku complaining for me. Other than my crappy judge it was a blast.

And then, I was in mourning. Yes, my friends, Kurt Cobain died ten years ago this past Monday. I am a huge fan of his music and his legacy. Before I go onto my rant, I should probably mention why I'm so fascinated with this man. I didn't listen to Nirvana when it was actually around, but I saw a special two years ago on MTV2 and ever since have been crazy about them. My friends and I each have our "classic" band: Nikki has Aerosmith, Amber has Led Zeppelin, and I have Nirvana. Now, we all like each other’s bands (Except Nikki doesn't like Nirvana, but that's just cause she's trying to piss me off) but we are the resident expert on our band.

I don't know why I love Nirvana so much: the soulful lyrics, the passionate voice, or guitar licks that even I can play. I think it is mainly the fact that they changed the history of music forever. Music has always gone in waves--broadening out the new category, wearing it out until it becomes repetitive, then jumping to a new forum, and repeating the process. It used to be all that bubblegum crap that people listened to. Now we're starting a new, folksy classic movement (think Jets, the Vines, and new Aerosmith) I, of course, don't put hip hop in here because I consider it a nasty refuge for bubblegum pop, sluts, and pimps. AHH! I HATE IT!

Anyway, Nirvana came at a time when the people needed a new voice. One that could speak for them and their pissed off, emotional, teenage roller coaster. In comes Nirvana. Part of the Seattle grunge movement, these three normal guys became successful basically overnight. Then, after three short years, Nirvana came to an abrupt end. Not because of band feuds, but another reason: Kurt, high on heroine, shot himself because of the pressure of stardom. Some people claim he was murdered. I really don't care either way. He's dead and we can't change it.

I hate to say it, as a Nirvana fan, but I think it was probably the best way for the band to go out. I mean, usually when bands break up the normal way they fade into obscurity. Kurt's suicide made the band legend. Which, actually, is probably the only reason I've heard of them. So in part I have his death to thank for my liking them. Hmm. Interesting conundrum. Oh well. I'm done.

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Thursday, March 25, 2004

Ah, the power of rain
Wow. I just read that last post. I said I wouldn't go crazy...Heh, sorry. I was going to delete it, but decided against it. I mean, if you're going to get to know me, you've got to see the highs with the lows.

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better. It was humid all day, and I was really freaky. I was an absolute crazy all day. I mean the whole sha-bang: voices, multiple personality, moody, everything. Then it started raining, and it's almost like it was raining sanity. I LOVE rain. Especially spring rain, when it's warm and it has that smell...:)

Anyway, much better mood. Even though I still have a major amount of stress coming my way.

Well, at least I have one thing out of the way: "Evening of Eloquence" ie SPEECH NIGHT! Actually, I wasn't too worried about this one. I MADE ALL-STATE SPEECH! YEA! (that's the top 3% in Iowa, if you didn't know.) I figured I'd never get it, but here I am. James is going too (Xander Harris to the Otakuboards world) Josh(AnonymousSource) is James's guest, Mine is a friend named Cortney. She can be a little annoying, but she's my only friend in speech, so whatever...

This Saturday I have a "Evening for the Fine Arts" (I swear, they're giving everything an evening now!) I'm doing a Alto Sax solo, but I've never practiced with my piano player! YIKES!

I will go practice now! (Yea right!)
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Much complaining about nothing
I decided not to write for a while for fear of scaring people. Ha. I'm still in a bad mood, but it's better now. Well, sort of. I had a jazz band gig at the elementary school and now I'm fried.

It was today that I realized the only time I can keep my image up is when I have energy. I was sitting in musical pit practice and my teacher asked me if something was wrong. Usually I can just put up a happy face, but at the moment I was so tired (and pissed) that I just sat there, totally ruining lets-all-get-along "personality" that I have around him.

I don't know. It really hit me today: no one really knows who I am. Sure they all think they know. But really, with each group of people, I'm slightly different. My opinions change, or I just tip-toe around the subject. But that's only if I like the person. People I don't like, I argue for the hell of it. Most of the time I'm the lovable goof who does funny dumb stuff to make people laugh.

I hate my life.

Really, I hate talking to people. I don't want them to know about me, who I am, what I'm like. That's my business. I hate being a dork. I HATE IT! but over the years, that's what I've put myself as. No one trys to get to know the goof. A goof is there for your entertainment, to be disposed at will.

Really, underneath it all, I am dark, dismal, and depressed. I would love to sit in a dark room for the rest of my life with a computer and my CD's. I don't need no stinkin' human contact! They don't even like me anyway. How can they, when they don't even know me!

Ok, I'm getting scary again...

I might type up some of the story's I've written. Actually, they're more like character-writing exercise. I get a picture of someone in my head, and it won't leave me alone until I come up with a story to go with it.

If I don't write, I literally go insane. Yesterday I saw a girl, sitting in a damp room with her wrists slit from the middle of the hand to an inch below her wrist line. I tried to ignore it, but it kept popping into my head. Then I started to feel a sharp pain in my wrist. One of the freakiest things ever. I finally wrote some junk about it, and now it’s gone. Ok that makes me sound suicidal. I just keep writing…when I’m happy its cheesy nice stuff, and when I’m pissed its dark, dismal stuff. At the moment, my friends, there is light at the end of the tunnel…







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Saturday, March 20, 2004

Something you should know
Hah, here's where we get real. I'm what I like to call a roller coaster person. For a few days I'm extremely chipper and hyper, then for two days I'm normal, then another three or four I'm depressed. Call me crazy if you will, but my life has always been that way.

No one really knows about my moods (well, except for the one or two people who read this, because I just told you...) mainly because I'm rather good at faking it. I can pretend to be whatever my present situation calls for. 'Tis my blessing and my curse, I suppose.

Anyway, I should be happy today. I got two I ratings at state speech today and I had a nice time there. Still, I just feel kind of, well, flat.

I call myself a flatline sometimes. Expecially when there's something or someone I should be concerned about, but I just don't feel like caring. It's kind of odd. Mainly that's with a friend of mine. She's always chewing me out for something I forgot or did poorly. Lately I've been blowing her off because I'm sick of her whining.

Anyway, I just want to sleep. So that's what I'll do!
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Saturday, March 13, 2004

THE SECRET WINDOW!!!
I just saw "The Secret Window" today. I LOVED IT! It stars Johnny Depp and John Turturro. It's based on a novella by Stephen King, who is my favorite writer of all time. He used to drive me nuts the way he loves to toy with the readers emotions. Most of the time the main character doesn't end up "happily ever after" like a person would like. Although, I began to find this refreshing after reading some of the crappy novels that our poorly funded library has to offer.

Depp gives an excellent performance. I was afraid that his character would seem similar to "Cap'n Jack Sparrow", but he really didn't. (well, there was a little bit at the begining, but after that I didn't notice)I love Depp in almost all of his movies. I've never seen anything from "21 Jump Street", but I have seen "Edward Scissor-hands", "The Ninth Gate", and "Pirates of the Caribbean", just to name a few.

The movie has your usual Stephen King twist at the end, which I didn't see coming. That's unusual for me, I'm usually pretty perceptive. ;) I'm still freaked out by it. I wish I could tell it, but if someone hasn't seen it yet they'll probably kill me.

The music is by Philip Glass, who is one of my favorite movie-score musicians. I would love to have that job. That is, in fact, one of my dream jobs. Another is a music producer for Rock albums, but that's even more far-fetched. Oh well, that's how it goes.

Anyway, I really recommend seeing this movie. Maybe it's not one of the best thrillers I'm going to see this year (I mean, It's only March) But hey, Depp and King? How can it go wrong!
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Monday, March 8, 2004

   Wow, I'm like, such a ditz
You want to know something? I never realized I had an Otaku account until today! Wow, I'm dumb.

Basically, if you visit here you will find my crazy rants and crazy utterings. I'll try to keep up to date, but you know how on the ball I am.

A little about myself to get started. I'm a little crazy (Ha, little!), obsessed with music, and I love to suprise people. I hate it when life is predictable~I'd much rather have no clue what is going on!

Music is my life at the moment. I could survive on music.(and chicken strips, but that's another story all together) I love Rock music--Pop and Hip Hop I can live without. I listen to music, play music, write music, and read about music. But that's just me.

I guess that's it for now. I'll post again later with some more unintellegable patter!
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