Monday, October 6, 2003

I think...
I need a quiz day. =/


No one would really know your name. You would be
called by what you do. For example, if you burn
your victims to death all the time, you would
be known as The Arsonist, or if you knife them,
you would be known as The Slasher. You would be
the mysterious killer who strikes at sporadic
times, and would be very difficult to catch.
You might dress up and mask yourself when you
perform your horrible killings. Your identity
would really be a mystery. Obviously you would
be wanted all over the place, and authorities
would desperately try to capture you. Even if
you were caught, you would not say much. The
public would greatly fear you because you could
just strike unexpectedly.


What Would Your Serial Killer Name Be? What Would the Public Know You As?
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You should be dating an Aquarius.
20 January - 18 February
Your mate is communicative, thoughtful and caring.
Though he/she can be tactless and rude and
sometimes self-interested, he/she enjoys the
intellectual experience of sex.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
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Your Heart is Grey


What Color is Your Heart?
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Goddess of the Moon. Beauty, yet a sadness lurks
about you at times. But hey, pain is beauty,
right?


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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Yes you are obsessed with death. You don't want to
live anymore or you want to be alone sometimes
atleast...with no human contact..
You like gruesome things...you like to see the hero
get hurt but not die...most of the time...


Are you obsessed with death?
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Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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STAND UP: You are a natural stand-up comedian. You
watch the news with people, and when you give
your opinions, people start laughing. They are
not laughing at you, they are laughing because
what you say is so TRUE. The world is a very
funny place, full of natural comedy. All you do
is repeat various humorous things that you
notice from everyday life. Your unique
perspective on the world is what makes you so
funny. Of all the various comedy types, you may
be the funniest of them all!

PREMIUM COMEDY OF YOUR TYPE IS WELCOMED AT:
http://pub98.ezboard.com/bkickbanned


How funny are you?
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You represent... anger.
Mad at the world, eh? You have a tendency to...
freak out easily. Overly emotional about
everything, you're most prone to bouts of
cruelty and moodiness. Other people may be
afraid of the fact that you explode so easily,
but at least you're honest... even if you're
honest about not liking anything.


What feeling do you represent?
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"Mom."
My mother called.

My biological mother..

I did not know it was her, so I did not pick it up- I let her leave a message.

But, that was my mother. x.x
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Sunday, October 5, 2003

Today is my 2 year anniversary at OB. =)
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Hmm. So Isreal has attacked a "terrorist training camp" on Syrian soil.

It should be noted that the last attack on Syrian soil was in 1973, in the Yom Kippur war. Egypt+Syria attacked Isreal on Yom Kippur

That is an interesting thing, it is. I have a feeling that there is going to be another Arab nations vs. Isreal war over there. I do not really know alot about the era in modern terms- so I might be off on that. But that is just how it seems, and has seemed for a bit now.
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Saturday, October 4, 2003

Weird.
I had a strange ass dream last night. It as about Nelly, of all people. The setting happened to be my house.

First of all, my house was different and there was a blue tone to it- if this was an effect from the paint or from the light streaming in outside, I do not know.

Different decorations lined the way, includeing a map of India for some reason. It seems that Wendy [her mother] had brought her back from the some unknown locale where she was, and that they were going to live in our house.

o.o;;;

Nelly was locked up in a room, alone, because my father had offended her somehow. In this dream I was more of a roving ghost- I could see things, but I was no apparently a part of the big show.

It was strange, really. That would be interesting, however.. to have an ex in my house, liveing.

>_>;
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Rant about some of my spirtual past.
Tonight I am reading Anti-Witness material, which would get me condemned- too bad for them I am simply humoring them by attending meetings so I can have broadband connection to the internet.

I seem to be in agreement with several of these articles statements about the structure of the organization and doctrines.

I need to ramble. The following thoughts come as they come, there is no structure to the following. I am just writeing the sentences that are flying through my mind.

It is true, actually, that they scare the shit out of children. When I was a small child, no more than 3, I was being told that Armageddon was comeing. It was just around the corner, it was upon us. In Armageddon all non-Witnesses would be slaughtered for their lack of faith. That meant everyone that I eventually knew in school was doomed to die the fate of a murdered heretic, everyone I knew outside the faith period- eventually when my mother left, that included her.

The only way to guarantee my survival of this was to remain a faithful follower of the doctrines and ideals they adopt.

Everyone outside of the organization was being tricked by Satan, or so they told me.

So most of the 'enemy' was mankind to me. The combinition of this and the idea that Satan would try to get me through various forms I was constantly exposed to- people outside of the organization, television, games, music, literature, things like that- made me withdrawn.

If that was not enough, I never have saluted the United States flag. This caused confusion with my classmates- the only answer I could give them was the one I was told to give. THAT made me more of an outcast, because I was the only witness in most of my schools. I got persecuted alot as a Witness, but I was supposed to be happy to be persecuted in God's Service.

In all honestly I was miserable as fuck. I was wondering the recess grounds alone, with nothing to do and an outcast from my own fears of Satan and the fact that no one wanted to be around an oddball Christian extremeist. I can understand that.

I was taught everyone was wrong except for Jehovah's Witnesses. They disproved the doctrines of mainstream Christianity, drilling into me that everyone was a false Christian except for the Witnesses and that we had to go 'save' them from their own stupidity.

Recently, when I decided to be an agnostic it was not entirely of my own chooseing. I could not join any other church because they all had doctrines and ideals that I had been shown HOW to disprove, actually. I couldn't fit into any church, because constantly in my mind I was remembering all the blatant facts as to how that was pagan, or that was wrong, or that was just propoganda.

I described a bit of school. It was weirder than that, really. I could never participate in Holiday partys- all of them are pagan, and that would be a big no-no if I wanted to survive the comeing God-sent genocide of all non-witnesses. Everyone I was with was condemend to die, and that made me so overtly depressed. They were all nice people, and I wanted them to live so badly- but no one really enjoys listening to a kid preach to them, especially his classmates. So I was really sad because over half the people I knew were doomed to die with their respective families and loved ones. I had to learn how to stop careing about them, I was too sad about them.

I was raised an elitist, really. I was told I knew better than everyone else, and really I was just as blind as them because no one ever let me expose myself to anything else.

The first time my faith was shaken was when I realized my mother was going to be killed at Armageddon. She had fallen out of the "truth". This was way too hard on me- No matter how much I hate my mother I still cannot imagine her dieing. It is overtly painful.

So, I was 8 and my mother, father, sister, classmates, teachers, neighbors and most everyone was going to die.

Aside from all this was what I mentioned earlier. Apparently, Satan was everywhere. His demons were everywhere. I had to be on the watch constantly, because, as the Bible says, "Satan is wandering about like a roaring lion, seeking to devour someone".

Man I was a scared as fuck kid. >.o So far we have billions of people dieing, demons all around me, and Satan constantly wandering about, trying to find a way to make me fall deep into heretical territory.

If you are found to be sinning, and are unrepentant about it, you are disfellowshipped. As a child, this was scary as hell- and I am currently faceing this as a reality.

Disfellowshipping consists of an intial period where the Elders- spiritual leaders of your congregation- try to get you back. Try to find what ills you, try to fix the problem, and in general would annoy the fuck out of me. Next, they would have a small trial about it, amongst themselves and decide if they were going to do it or not. In my case, they would - I am unreptent to these bastards, the ones that have made my life even more of a fucking hell. I could care less about Jehovah when I have watched people around me suffering beyond anything I have ever imagined. I have stopped careing anymore, there is no reason for me to preach to anyone about how great Jehovah is when he, in literal fact, is not.

So I am disfellowshipped. This means that all the true followers of the religion could not speak to me, includeing my family- less I 'taint them' or 'lead them astray'.

If you remember, I am homeschooled.

Since I am chooseing to take the path of agnostic, I will lose most of my friends.

Maybe all of them except for the ones in my neighborhood.

That is very bad.

My parents would more than likely change their will to where they would be donateing everything they own to the Watchtower Society [the corperate name of the Jehovah's Witnesses in Brooklyn, New York- the central headquarters of all JW activity.]

That is much, much, much, much worse.

The house, the cars, the money, the materials. Their funds, their insurance I think.

That is very, very, very, very bad.

Most people have an inheritence to fall back on.

I would not.

Which leaves severely harsh times ahead for my economic future.

As a child I was scared shitless of this because I did had no friends at school, heh. So I did not want to be alone.

Disfellowshipped individuals are said to be condemned to the 'second death'. The final death, the one that leaves you in a state of nonexsitance forever- with no way out. The one they believe Satan is going to, the one that they believes condemns everyone reading this to eternal nothing.

That was scary as crap and still is, honestly. All humans dream about is the ability to live this expierence over again, painful or no just because it is so unique. I was told that everyone just dies. After Armageddon there would be a great ressurection, where everyone who was faithful and dead would be risen up to live in paradise on the Earth.

With a lack of religion, and not being a Jehovah's Witness, death has now become a reality that is crushing. To me, now, this is it. I am living the only life I have, and I will never be in a picture-esque heaven, or a paradise earth, or some great, happy place.

I am so bitter over that that I could kill myself just so I actually get to it, instead of having to dread it for the rest of my life, wondering if I am doing all that I can do.

That is why I can never have hope, again. I was taught all the faults of all the religions, and then from curiousity found the faults in my own religion. I have cancelled my spirtuality out.

Persecution is pretty bad for JW's, however. I was cursed out alot, heh.. Generally from people who had no idea that I was being told they were all damned, and that I, Ken Howell, was personally responsible for going out and saving as many as I could.

So each time people rejected what I said, I felt extremely sad because they were going to die in an apocalyptic scenario. I have cared all the care out of myself, I think. There were too many people that I felt were going to die, and it was my fault because I could not find the words to persuade them to be a JW.

Hehe. They make children act perfectly in there, or at least near it. I was taught from the age of 3 to be as quiet and perfectly still as possible. Even going to the bathroom too much was bad, because it distracted people from the main talk.

Dateing is condemned. Sex before marriage is abhorable, a sin before God himself. Homosexuals are damned, and can never be forgiven for breaking the laws of nature. Teenagers have a natural sense of rebellion, yes? Under a strict, christian household like this, I suddenly found myself becomeing quite liberal. I felt liberalism to be intoxicateing, the dream of being able to think for myself in a normal househol almost too good to be true.

So I started to hate this stupid fucking hebrew God I was being told to worship. He had never been there for my fucking troubles, all of the persecution I was getting from those damned 'False Christians' was makeing me depressed. They were supposed to love too, but they weren't.

The suicides of my friends, the blatant hell of the past, the God that was ignoreing the problems of the world. The realization that I had already sinned with my girlfriend out of love, the fact that I was already dead in the eyes of the Jehovah's Witnesses' God made my walk slow, and heavy.

I slit my wrists on the night of Febuary the 8th, 2001 in my bedroom. I felt a great weight lift off of my shoulders as I was dieing, because I could not think of anything but ending myself out of anger, depression and the feeling of being a dirt, sinful heretic.

The next year I was treated like a fucking animal that need its' behavoir corrected. No one could understand why this normally intelligent, seemingly content religious pre-teen had wanted to die. I needed fixing with goddamn drugs and freaking therapists who do not understand shit. I was finally realizeing my blind stupidity.

There was no reason to be a JEhovah's Witness. There was no reason to serve this Jehovah, this one that would murder most of the world for wanting an opinon- the only way they acheived it was his createing them with it in the beginning anyway.

I had no reason to exist as a Christian at all. I was damned no matter what I did, to most religions actually. I have never seen any evidence of a God, no matter how ferverntly I prayed to him.

So, I have now seen that it was not my violent family background that warped me. It was my religion mixed with that.

Christianity did this to me, Tori, Justin, Wrist Cutter, Anyone else who is reading this. Yes, a different Christianity than what you know, a dark, hateful Christianity where people will be slaughtered. But the basis is still Christianity- so no one can claim I am blind. I am not blind, I was just burned into thinking you are all dead, toiling people who are just dead in God's eyes for not being exposed to Jehovah's Witness propoganda. You all will always be stupid fucking fools to me because I have been told the pagan intricasies of your doctrines, your holidays, the things that you enjoy. All this fucking shit that I will never be able to feel just because I was supposed to serve a loveing GOD?

I cannot think of the shit I have wanted to do to people recently, ripping their fucking skin off their body just to see them screaming madly because no one is there for them, no one at all. Goddamn, I cannot believe how much this Christian sect has warped my thinking forever. You fucking assholes, why did all this hypocritical shit happen to me. God is supposed to look out for his children, I was as faithful as humanly possible to him.

There was no support from other Christian kids! No Christian ever tolerated my strange, extremeist organization! Those fucking, cross hugging bastards made fun of me like no fucking tomorrow. The same fucking bastards people reading this went to sunday school with, the people you tolerated could never find themselves the room to tolerate my fucking ass. I was ridiculed for not celebrateing my birthday, or holidays. For not saluteing the American flag, for not being able to participate in all those fucking nonsense activities that were somehow sinful.

Grrr. The same Christians I am asked to tolerate now. Kids in my neighborhood used to call me a fucking Jew of all things, because they had so little intelligence they could not comprehend what I was explain to their asses. Some of them beat me the fuck up because of my faith.

I am now at the gateway to that disfellowshipping process. The options are limited, they always are when you are useing freewill. I will more than likely be kicked out of the house at 18 or so because of it.

How I wish that I had the upbringing of a normal Christian, even if I was blind to the point of open silliness. I yearn for it, I cannot believe that of all the things I had to be born into it was a dysfunctional Jehovah's Witness family. Maybe I would still love God, I would be able to just have faith or tell people like myself they have opinons and I have opinons, or that maybe God will help them.

Or that maybe they were blind instead of me, almost in a state of denial and pseudo arrogance.

Man, what a bad roll I got.

My friend, however, told me something interesting. He said that some people believe that we decide our fates before we live out our lives- and that if we want more wisdom and knowledge, we have to expierence alot of pain in our life. So maybe I have decided on all this before, knowing that I would somehow survive.

Maybe when I am 80 I will be all enlightened or something..

I think that I have finally ranted enough to where I can maybe sleep or coexist with something.

What a bad night to have a need to rant about my spirtual past, when no one was around to rant to.

... still. Goddamn them.. Goddamn all of them. The fucking fools that taught me all this shit that meant nothing, the assholes who persecuted me for it. I will get them all back for this someday, I swear. I want to kill all of them with a goddamn gun.

I will bloody my hands to give them all a taste of their own medicine. That is my only call to murder, my only blind, animalistic reaction to all this hatred. Yes.

An eye for an eye.

An eye for a motherfucking eye.

May Jehovah or whatever is up there have extreme amounts of pity their souls, because I am currently living in a daydream where all of them are expierenceing more physical and mental pain than they could ever imagine.

If nothing else, I will turn all this negetive energy into work. If I cannot bring my weak, moral consience into killing people, then I most turn all of this into something somewhat nuetral or maybe positive. There has to be something that I can pour hatred into.

But I still cannot get over how much I honestly would like to see them dead. My grandparents specifically. Their rotting corpses in a goddamn coffin would make me smile, especially if I still got shit in the will- Because the heretic actually did turn out to be a tool of something evil, and for onces Witnesses' are right about something other than how pagan or wrong everyone is.

Maybe I can find God, yet. Maybe there is some hope for my spituality.

But it certainly does not rest in Christianity, because I now can never be in those organizations.

Man. I wonder if I really did agree to all of this beforehand.

Maybe I have not reached the prize I was seeking yet. Patience is somewhat of a vurtue.

Need to calm down I am somewhat.... agitated, IRL too.

Maybe some of you understand my postion better now.

I hate your religions out of a weird situation, and in general not just because of the doctrines.

The reason I hate your religions is because, as I have stated already, Jehovah's Witnesses are taught all the faults in the doctrines that you follow, so that we may disprove them out preaching. I understand all the WRONG in your religions that otherwise might have been a-ok as a member. But I have been, literally, told that YOU are wrong, the church GOER is wrong.

Even as an agnostic, I feel that burning rage that you are all fucking, as they actually call you, "False Christians".

Then, lo and behold, I see the falsity in my own religion!

Who is false now?! Are all of them false?!

You! Are you false? Yes. You, the reader. Search yourself, because I was told I was right too, and I thought so. Maybe you aren't false, maybe there is some grand hope for you.

Maybe there is some grand hope for me. Maybe. Maybe the hope for all of us rests in the fact that we cannot comprehend the intricasies in which this great entity works, the things that he or she or it does are beyond our knowledge, beyond our capability to understand- to the point that we think the others religious opinon is wrong, and we teach our youth the same thing.

Maybe humans are too human to know God, and it knows that.

Maybe the number of maybe's is too great to attempt to maybe in this post.

Yea, it just may be..

Otherwise, I have no reason to smile.











http://www.premier1.net/~raines/hate.html

^ article I was reading.
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Friday, October 3, 2003

"The stupid people hightly outnumber the intelligent people. So if it ever went that way, the stupid people, as stupid as they are, would revolt, overthrow the government and take over. And THEN what would America be? Back where it started from, I guess."

Revolutions full of stupid people could never succeed. Warfare takes planning, intelligence, strategy. Stupid people could never beat a smaller, but highly intelligent force. Numbers do not mean anything, remember that.
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Thursday, October 2, 2003

Current Music: Living Dead Girl by Rob Zombie
Current Mood: Fine.

I wish there were requirements for voteing aside from general age and citizenship. Like you had to have graduated from high school and have an IQ above 110 or something. A democracy cannont exist where things are free to the point of self destruction. It is not pretty, but alot of people are idiotic voters. This might cause some ranting and raveing from random organizations or persons that should be destroyed, but in the end democracy is not that free, really. If you take a look at it, that is.

Oh well. Something like that might not improve the smootheness of the operations in this country, but it would be worth a try.
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Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Ding.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

The four ones I got highest on are..

Schizoid
People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."

Antisocial
A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

Histrionic
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Narcissistic
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.




After I attempted suicide, I was classified with three disorders that are actually on the definition list for this quiz, just for reference. Which three are for me to know.
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Monday, September 29, 2003

Current Music: Mindwar by Sepultura
Current Mood: I am still a bit morose. Not agressively morose, brooding I suppose.

Master Race?

Hmm. I do not get the total Aryan supremeacy thing. I suppose I should not get it since I am not technically Aryan.

The biggest Empire to ever exist was.. Asian. The Mongol Empire. The most technologically advanced nation has more cultures than any other.

I guess I find it sort of silly now. I could see that happening maybe when Europe when the [Germanic] Holy Roman Empire was around. But now, when cultures are mashing together, it seems mundane and redundant.

I myself have several different cultures in my bloodline. The majority of my blood is Mexican- followed by English, Indian and Black. I sort of do not exactly know what 'Aryan' exactly is. By definition, it is supposed to be a 'Non-Jewish Caucasian, especially one of Nordic type'.

Hmm. Well now that I read up on it a bit, it seems more idiotic than before. Especially since Nazi Germany itself failed horriblely after pissing off way too much of the world for its own good.

Oh well.

What I did today

Today was pretty uneventful. I woke up at around 11:30 and took a shower. Went out to eat with my parents to Fara's Hacienda, got some chicken fajitas. We went to Sam's Club afterwards to do our usual 'shopping in bulk to save a few dollars' thing. I saw a nice 200 Gigabyte harddrive there, but I do not really need one- and do not have the cash for one, so no splurgeing for now. Came home, did my lessons and started up a chat. After that died, I had supper and then just did my usual rounds on the internet up to now.

I guess for the rest of the night I will do some gameing or read.

Also..

I would like to thank Tori for sticking around. =)
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