Sunday, November 2, 2003

Spectrum.
Current Music: Marching On A Dead End Road by Arch Enemy.
Current Mood: There once was a man whos face was burnt off, yet he still managed to frown.

There was once a time when the sky was the most brilliant color of blue. It changed and manifested itself in so many ways, the beauty of which was neverending.

Yet, one day, it went gray and stayed gray. Grim and nuetral, lacking in anything. I ask people why the sky is gray and they look at me confused. Is everything gray.

Sometimes you wonder how gray things are. People make it to be black and white, good and bad, happy and sad. But there is so much gray, gray across peoples faces, across what they say.

But it is all gray. Truth is hidden amongst false truths. Just gray.

Only a few people see it in gray though. Some people see it in a bright, radiant red or an all encompassing, demonic black. Some see it in sort of a nuetral blue, and some still in pink or yellows.

So maybe it isn't gray. Maybe to those who are gray it is gray. Or maybe their hearts are gray.

Yes, I think personalities make you see things different. Your color or personality affects your outlook on situations, scenarios, opinons and ideals.

So everyone sees things different, yet in a larger spectrum some can be grouped as the same.

So you have people seeing things in gray, red, blue, pink, yellow, brown, green.

But they probably do not think that way.

Right now, everything is quite gray. The grayness of the room blends with the grayness of my hands.

There is too much gray in the world to me. But, only I see all of the gray. No one else will see all of the gray, just like I do not see things all in red, or blue.

How do you see things.

Like I think Tori sees things in a sort of light red. And Jenna maybe a dark purple. James, a dark green.

I dunno. I see people as colors. Some of them naturally conflict, some of them naturally connect, some of them are quite similar yet not quite the same.

Just stand to the side of a chaotic, mixed crowd and watch. Your school, a popular mall- anywhere where you can just read the crowd to yourself, like a good book late at night. Do not think, just observe. Do not speak, remove yourself from the situation and pretend you are just an anonymous spectator that can not be seen. You can almost see the color they are and that they veiw the wolrd it. Just watch the interaction between people and you will see what I mean.
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Saturday, November 1, 2003

Nonchalant.
I felt like writing.

Roses; Part 1

I match wits with the devil in spring amongst the flowers. Chaos is in order here, police enforce it with the baton of justice and the pistol of law. Bullets can solve all ills, learn that well. Blood spurts out of the ground like oil- yet it is worth less in comparison. Understanding the malfunction of creation, the priest stands at the brink before finally jumping off- faith has died. God can't save you from your own humanity, no one can. Stereotypically, a blonde stares confused at the maelstrom before her- even if she is ensanguined with her own blood.

Finally outwitting the devil, I stand triumphant over her dead body.

I had done it. I had finally killed love- the thing that ripped me apart so many times.

Now I had ripped it apart. Even as I thought of this, she was boreing through my heart.

... Damn.

Roses; Part 2

The death of the rose was welcome, shimmers are annoying. Hope cannot exist in futility, yet without hope, futility would not exist. As she said those words, I was distracted by the slow dripping that eminated from beneath me. The young devil smiled sweetly, like a child who had murdered her parents, before departing. Therefore a broken puppet was left, tugging at it's strings melodramatically. With every tug, his strength got weaker and weaker, departing out of his destroyed heart. Finally, the strings broke, depositing him in a junkyard full of other broken dolls, all lamenting over their malfunction. A large heart stood in the center of the junkyard, grafted together of souls and tears. It sang a sorrowful song, almost like the deathbed cries of a mother who never got to see her childs shattered smile.

Dead from love.
Born from love.

It finally fell silent.

The Weatherman

I stood strong before the gray maelstrom, effectively shattering it's overblown ego. The ocean's waves lapped at my feet, pleading with me to end the divine tempest sent to punish us for pseudo-sins that old men and young children sing about. I felt the winds pick up around me, the collective force annhiliating the houses around me. Raising my right hand, a pulse resonated throughout the area, and the hurricane raged with a fury. A fury beyond all compassion and sense that blanketed the area with all the rage a tempest could produce. It knew it was about to die. A green light shone in my palm as the clouds above me parted, a black light cascadeing downwards like a tainted waterfall to envolp me. A second-long piece reverberated outwards, clearing the skies for just a moment.

The resulting explosion liquidated everything within a mile. Skeletal ruins of humans limped around, lamenting their fate at the hands of the divine tempest and it's rival. Bloodied ribbons of flesh danced wildly from the white bone, as they cursed themselves for sinning. Their deaths were filled with screams of woe and bane, my untouched body standing silent- a witness to all of this.

It was the first time I saw a rainbow.

The Teacher

Children enjoy the beatings. I see the blood coming from their lips and noses, they smile. I smile with them- we have come to an understanding. They hate me, I know they do. But ripping their pretty, soft skin into pieces brings pleasure to my mind. As I watch, they withdraw away from me. They form a circle, dancing in their drenched uniforms, singing merrily. I step back through filtered light and take out a gun. Lowering it to one of the little girl's forehead, she stops and tilts her head to the side slowly, a broad smile forming on her face as she thinks about dieing. The others step back and nod silently, accempting the ambivalence that warred in their minds. I pulled the trigger as a tear formed in her eye- there would be no tears tonight. Her blood splattered across everything- the other children, my face, the floor. Her limp body stopped in midfall, like a demonized puppet that was revolting in its mediocrity.

It had only just begun.

The Social Martyr

I walk through crowds of random colors, auras amongst auras. The dull, dreary generic flow of conversation and idle thinking wears on my frayed, sizzleing nerves continueally like sandpaper to a open wound. If there was a God then surely he would not spare these simpletons. The pathways of knowledge lead from light to dark, from peace to chaos, from ectasy to unveiled pain. Religion opens my eye to eye openings- the irony slits my throat like a shard of glass. The crowds part like the Red Sea in Satan's nightmares, revealing the goal at the end- a destination that holds the treasures I have been looking for.

But the lingering odor of the crowd and its ill informed opinons cause my skin to begin to break out.

Ruptureing into a bloodbath, I stand as a martyr for no one in particular.

Dying for nothing important.

Day Old Ambrosia

Hello, my name is monotony. I am androgynous. I taste like strawberries with cream on top- who's cream? Full frontal nudity causes cancer, concerns of fate are not meant to coexist with concerns of morality. Destiny awaits those that have no future. Is the world ready to meet it's maker?

The fact of the matter is grim, the reality is dull. Tired of being tired of being tired, the teenager looks off the edge of a bridge. The gray is welcoming, like warm sheets in the middle of a nuclear winter.

Because of his parents he was created, because of his parents he was destroyed- yet his life remains in his own hands.

Will he flip a coin to decide, the pressure is mounting. The cool nights breeze is like the ghost of a kiss.

Amusing prospect.

But you must be quiet. They are always listening.

Yet, they never call..
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Happy Pagan Festival Day.
There has not been much shit to rant about lately so lets shove in a..

QUIZ DAY

Lets start off this evening with two personality quizzes, those are fun for me.

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||| 34% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 78% Antisocial |||||||||||||| 58% Borderline |||||||||||| 46% Histrionic |||||||||| 38% Narcissistic |||||| 26% Avoidant |||||| 26% Dependent |||| 18% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 26%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

Heh. I am schizoid, actually.

Advanced Big Five Personality Test Results

Sociability	||||||	30%
Gregariousness	||||||||||	38%
Assertiveness	||||||||||||||||	70%
Activity Level	||||||||||||	46%
Excitement-Seeking	||||||||||||||||||||	82%
Cheerfulness	||||||||||	34%
Extroversion	||||||||||||	50%
Trust	||||||||||||||	54%
Morality	||||||||||	34%
Altruism	||||||||||||||	54%
Cooperation	||||||	26%
Modesty	||||||||||||||||	62%
Sympathy	||||||||||	34%
Friendliness	||||||||||||	44%
Self-Efficacy	||||||||||||||	58%
Neatness	||||	14%
Dutifulness	||||||||||	34%
Achievement	||||||||||||||||	62%
Self-Discipline	||||||||||||||	54%
Cautiousness	||||||||||||	46%
Orderliness	||||||||||||	44%
Anxiety	||||	14%
Anger	||||||||||||||	58%
Depression	||||||||||||||	58%
Self-Consciousness	||||||	22%
Immoderation	||||||||||||||	54%
Vulnerability	||||	14%
Emotional Stability	||||||||||	36%
Imagination	||||||||||||||||||||	82%
Artistic Interests	||||||||||||||||||||	82%
Emotionality	||||||||||||||	54%
Adventurousness	||||||||||||||||||||	86%
Intellect	||||||||||||||||||||	90%
Liberalism	||||||||||||||||||||	86%
Intellectualness	||||||||||||||||||	80%

Take Free Advanced Big 5 Personality Test

That is a pretty fair assumption, i'd say.


Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

That's a pretty fair assumption, i'd say.


DEATH
"the releaser, eliminator,
expander"
You are commited to change, metamorphasis, and
transformation, cutting through limitations,
obstacles, anxd restrictions. You have a
desire to let go of anyone or thing
constrictive. Like the caterpillar to the
butterfly (you are the cocoon), you shed old
beliefs and atttudes to release something new.


which major arcana of the thoth tarot deck are you? short, with pictures and detailed results
brought to you by Quizilla

That's a pretty fa- *tranquilizer dart hits his neck*


How Will Your World End?
brought to you by Quizilla


Whoa! You are a psycho! You are like a clown with a
maniacal laughter who wields a knife or any
other sharp weapon. You would be haunting kids'
dreams. You are the type that may enjoy to
frighten people and laugh at it. You probably
go a little past frighten--especially toward
animals. If you enjoy watching animals suffer,
that's already a bad sign. The thing about you
is that you know you're insane, but you like
it. Anyway, Happy Crazy, Twisted-Up, Halloween,
you Freaky Clown. Don't hurt anyone or
anything.


What Halloween Figure Are You? (Fun Quiz! MANY RESULTS!)
brought to you by Quizilla


G# minor - You are not totally happy, and you know
it. At least you are trying to do something
about it. You like to think and create to try
and sort out your problems. Keep going the way
you are, and you will soon be on speaking terms
with your demons.


what key signature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Youre sidekick is Jim Hawking from outlaw star he
doesnt carry a weapon but who needs one when
youre a great mechanic?


who's your anime side kick helper guy thing?
brought to you by Quizilla


You have a goodbye kiss- much passion and longing,
but never lasting.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Congratulations! You have an understanding of the
goth culture!


A True Goth Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla


Count D -- Now that you know which anime vampire
you are, why don't you href="http://immortality.2ya.com">Click
Here to become one!


If you were an anime vampire, who would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla

You basically know enough to stay away from
vampires. There is a little bit of uncertainty,
so be careful. The vampire will exploit and
magnify this. Then again, being a vampire may
not be so bad.... So.. why don't you href="http://immortality.2ya.com">click
here and become one? :D


Are you a vampire's dream come true?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Coup d'état.
I would really enjoy literally killing my parents. That is the one thing that I can do that would make me happy for the rest of my life.

They are religious conservitives who don't even follow their religion. They always make fun of the intellectual things I tell them about, and when I ask them to quiet themselves, they spurt out some idiotic stuff. "Why, what idiotic stuff, Ken?"

The stupid idea that if your garnish the title of parent you deserve instant respect and gratification. I will not ignore your ignorant bigotry and stupidity just because you adopted some poor sap or a baby dropped out of you/r wife into this sorry excuse for a society.

It is the stupidest thing that I have heard. Parents have rarely earned my respect, yet they demand it like they are royalty- I think not, you egotistical motherfuckers. Your ill-fated platform where you campaigned for the best parent in the world has been destroyed by your sadistical need to misraise your child.

However, of course, there are some parents who deserve respect. They have earned respect, they are good at parenting. They deserve a bigger round of applause than usually given to the generic crowd of parents- you know why?

Because they actually can do that which seems daunting to others.

What set me off on that rant was the fact that they continue to make fun of me for the intellectual things I talk about to them. Everyone does IRL. Everyone giggle at Ken, he's explaining quantum physics because a show on the public broadcasting channel the night before was about it. That show triggered a long night of thinking about it to him. He thought that his mom was remotely intelligent and would enjoy hearing about this.

But noooo. Lets bullshit about it, lets make fun of Ken for his intellectualism.

I wish they would grow up beyond the level of fifth graders at recess.

They won't, goddamn them. Maybe I killed them in another dimension insted of ranting on an online diary.

I wonder if that Ken is as glad as I would be.

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Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Ambrosia.
That "Changing of Sexes. [Maturity should be must]" is quite odd for me in particular.

The rundown is this. Since I was 7 or so from previous psychological damage I have had the odd feeling that if I was a girl, maybe things would have turned out better for me.

I know what originally gave me the idea, actually. There was a movie advertisment on the television for a comedy movie that bombed called "Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde". I have seen the movie since then and it actually sucks more ass than anything else in existence. However, from the title, if you have any intelligence at all, you can get a general idea of what it was about.

That enthralled me. I had the idea that maybe if I had been female more people would enjoy my company, or maybe my parents would not have hurt me. Maybe people would finally pay attention, someone would listen to the cute little girl. People wouldn't want to scream or yell, hit or cut the cute little girl. People in school would want to be friends with the cute little girl, they would want to talk to her, play with her at recess, sit with her at lunch. It was more of a daydream than a real longing.

I cannot shake that idea, even now. It becomes more strange to me, because I am not homosexual in any way. The combination of being a normal non-popular outsider in school and my radically abnormal family destroyed some rational part of my emotions.

Reading that topic sort of insulted me,
however. There was no way I would get surgery or anything- it wasn't complete. I don't like unfinished, "eh it is almost there" things. They irritate me.

So, then, I read the topic and find that alot of people find the idea disgusting or wrong.

I cannot comprehend how people can be so close minded and deliberately arrogant when dealing with different ideas. I am not saying that people like me, who have clear damage to basic emotions, should be allowed to do drastic, life changing things for petty reasons or daydreams- but some people feel a type of pain that only they can know and understand.

However, I have a very hard time not seeing things in a black and white way. Maybe there is something there that I am numb to.

Maybe the idea, dream or action is really disgusting or strange or off.

I am content with that, then. I have lost the need to care for the opinons of people who barely know me. There are only a few people on OB who have my trust. They can judge me and I will accept it, because they know who I am.

Tori, James, Neil, Jenna.

That is you.

Anyway. I think that maybe if we could actually 'walk in each others shoes' then the world would be a lot.. more.. boring for me..

Because I enjoy tasting of the opinons of all, it aids me.

Anywho. I think I will bring back the "Music Lyrics of the Day" from Divine Divinity.

MUSIC LYRICS OF THE DAY:

This is the song I was listening to while restraining the above-said rant on the gender topic.

Rational Gaze
Performed By: Meshuggah

Squint your eyes to see clearly. Blur reality to make it real.
Let focus go from your deceiving eyes to know what's been concealed.
We've all been blinded - Subjects of visual misinformation.
A systematic denial of the crystalline

To see the fine grain, to read the hidden words
The context of parallel truth - Devoid of fragmentation

Our light-induced image of truth - Filtered blank of its substance,
As our eyes won't adhere to intuitive lines.
Everything examined, Separated, one thing at a time
The harder we stare the more complete the disintegration.

Dissolution.

Eyes re-opened.

Reasoning focalized, Receptors activated.

Perspectives distorted.
The ladder beyond our grasp.
The twin-headed serpent forever hidden,
Where's the true knowledge?
Where engines of the sane & insanity merge.
The clarity, the unity.

Reality untouchable, transparent, invisible to our fixed, restricted fields of vision.
Existence taken for granted.

Absolute.

Possessed, owned, controlled
By the common sense-infected rational gaze
Onward, forever, we walk among the ignorant.

NEVER STRAY FROM THE COMMON LINES!

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Monday, October 27, 2003

Hmm.
I think the midi is working. o_O

I have to press play on mine for it to start. Haha, I like that song. It is one of my favorite pieces from a game and, actually, one of my favorites period.
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Sunday, October 26, 2003

*smokes*
Huh. Madame Chiang Kai-shek is dead at 105. Not much of a shocker, actually.

Hmm. Haha.

She, of course, is the widow to the leader of Nationalist China. Nationalist China.. Taiwan. Yes, Taiwan. The communists pushed them right into the sea, right into Taiwan.

It is strange how Japan used to hold so much power over there. In 1910 Japan annexed Korea. At the end of World War 1, Japan got control of Germany's pacific holdings/colonies. They invaded Manchuria, Northwest of Korea, and set up a puppet state- Manchukuo.. Then they invaded China, never taking all of it, only the shorelines with a bit of the interior.

And, when they lost.. Nationalist China and Communist China began a mad landgrab for the formerly occupied territories.

Then the Chinese civil war began. Yes... Nationalist China spread itself thin, while the Communists got more and more men to fight for it. They pushed the Nationalist Chinese government to Taiwan. China, from this point onwards, would consist of two governments: the mainland Communist government and the Taiwanese Nationalist government.

Japan, Nationalist China. The widow.

Less than a hundred years ago, within in the span of 50 years, millions of men died for what seems like millions of causes. China, Central Europe, Spain, Africa.

I wonder, when the world does go mad again, will there will be anyone left to write and think about it, when it is over. Yea, there will be. They will write things in a non-chalant, intellectual way like "And then the nuclear weapon went off in San Antonio, Texas- home to three American Air Force bases, and killed over 389,000 people, wounding thousands more."

I will be one of those old, wise looking guys on documentaries who lived through it, and are one of the only people who have feeling for that event in history anymore, lol.
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Saturday, October 25, 2003

Fingers in the throat.
Survey Day

What time is it now: 3:57 AM.
Your Name: Kenneth Andrew Howell.
Your Nickname: Kenny/Ken/Fluffy/Fluff.
Your Online Name: DeathKnight/Narna.
Your sex: Male.
Your Age: 15.
Your Sign: Leo.
Your height: 6'3"
Your weight: 270.
Hair color: Dark Brown/Black.
Eye color: Brown.
Hair length: Short.
Do you wear glasses: Yes.
Are your teeth straight: Not really.
Do you have freckles: A few, I think.
Do you have a fake tooth: Nope.

Do you have a fake eye: Those are cool.
Do you draw fake moles on yourself: No.
Highest level of school: 11th and counting.
Do you work: Yes.
How do you dress: I wear clean things. I don't really care for fashion or style.
Do you smoke: Yeap.
Do you drink: Once and awhile, nothing regular.
Do you do drugs: While back. Perscription shit I avoid like a passion.
Do you have friends: Yea.
Do you have online friends: Yea.
Do you like your friends: Some of them.
Do you like your online friends: Some of them.
Got any kids? Not that I know of.
Got any pets? Yeap.
Got a car? Yeap, can't drive. Ain't that the shit.
Live on your own? Nope.
Live with your 'rents? Yeap. Most 15 year olds do.


Favorites:

Type of music: Death Metal.
Actor: I like Anthony Hopkins, in his more serious works.
Actress: Hmm. No one really.. alot of women with loads of talent grace the screens regularly, but none of them overtly catch my eye.
Movie: I could never limit it to one.
Soda: Diet Coke.
Food: Stuff with alot of curry. o.o
Car: None.
Hobby: Gameing.
Sport: Basketball.
Musician: Pig Destroyer.
Artist: Piccaso. Especially "Guernica".
Author: No one author.
Song: It changes alot. Currently it's '94 Hours' by As I Lay Dying.
Color: Crimson.
TV Show: Late Night With Conan O' Brian.
Brand of beer: Corona.
Brand of liquor: I don't have alot of expierence with liquor yet. -_- Reccomendations?
Brand of smokes: Whatever I can get, can't be picky when you are underage. lol.
Brand of drug: No one favorite.
Brand of clothes: Idiosyncrasy.
Record Label: Hmm. I seem to own alot of Roadrunner shit.
Brand of glue: Brand of glue?
Online test: Online test?
Online chat thing: AIM.
Shape: I like Hexagons.
Texture: Smoothe.
Game: Suikoden 1 or Legend of Mana.
Place: My mind.
Year: 1933 peaks my interest for some reason.
Holiday: None.
Quote: I dunno. How about "Fly, you fools."
Animal: Puma.
Sound: The sound of the shower water pounding on your head when you stop up your ears.
Book: The Hobbit.
Drink: Diet Coke.

Lies:

Have you lied: Yes.
Do you lie: Yes.
Do you lie often: Not really. Only when the situation requires.
Do you lie to save your own ass: No shit,
Do you lie to save someone else ass: No shit.
Would you tell a lie that stopped your death but caused the death of your lover: Haha. Nah.
Would you tell a lie that stopped your death but caused the death of your enemy: Most definately. That is tactically sound.
Would you tell a lie that let you keep your job but fired your friend: Nah. A friend can last till your death if you keep it up. You can find a new job.
Would you tell a lie that let you keep your job but fired "that bitch you work with": Sure.
Have you lied to gain money: Yeap, might as well.
Would you lie to gain money: Yeap, money is nice.
Do you enjoy lying to strangers: Depends on what I am lieing about. If it is something serious, I prolly wouldn't lie. If it was just casual "hey, how do I get to so and so street" then I might on a whim.
Have you ever enjoyed lying to a stranger: Actually, yea.
Do you lie to bums that ask for spare change, saying you have none: Nah. Spare some cash for the guy, he needs it more than my teenage ass.
Would you dare to lie in the face of evil: Duh.
Would you dare to lie in the face of your mother: I already do.

respect
Would you dare to lie in the face of your God: What, like he won't know?
Would you lie to get laid: Nah. That is special territory you are treading into, the "this is not something to joke around with" territory.
Have you lied to get laid: Nope.
Would you lie to get a job: Yea.
Have you lied to get a job: Not yet.
Would you lie to get a date: Hmm. Prolly not. What if it turned out good and your lie, in the end, torpedoed your chance of a relationship? Not worth it. Let her like you for who you are, it might turn out better.
Have you lied to get a date: Nope.
Are lies really that harmless: Depends on what you are lieing about.
Do you lie on online surveys to make yourself seem super cool: People do that? lol.
Do you lie online: Definately, if the situation is light enough.
If lying is sinful.. are you going to hell: Gyahahah. I don't believe in hell, so you can fuck off.

Love life:

Are you single: Yes.
Are you with someone: I wish.
Are you married: No.
Are you divorced: No.
Are you "Separated": No.
Are you "on break": No.
Ever been in love: Yea.
How many times: 5.
Looking back do you regret it: Yes.
Do you date people you meet online: Yes.
Do you date people you meet at bars: No.
Do you date people: Yes.
Do you "net date": Yes.
Are you happy with your current status, why: Yes. Being single is giving me alot of freedoms.
Are you still holding on to the past: Yes.
Do you agree that Jet Li is a good husband for Shajuana: lmao.

The following apply to you? Y/N

Witty: Yes.
Charming: Not really.
Quiet: One half of the time.
Loud: The other half of the time.
Pretty: No.
Radical: Yes.
Sucky: I guess to some people.
Smart: Yea.
Stupid: About some things.
Dumbass: Nah, not that far.
Ugly: Hmm. Pretty much average.
Slow: Sometimes with social situations I can be a bit "dur", inexperienced. Otherwise, not really.
Fast: Yea.
Talented: I have talents. Everyone does.
Useless: Hmm. I got uses too.
Punk: No.
Young: Well, yea.
Old: Someday.
Past your prime: lol.
You're just reaching your prime: no, not nearly.
Dashing: No.
Daring: Yea.
Dainty: No.
Powerful: I guess so.
Athletic: No.
Artistic: Yes.
Superhuman: Not really.
Sexy: No.

The following are Good/Bad

Sex: Good.
Love: Bad.
Happiness: Bad.
Rap: Bad.
Pain: Good.
Pop music: Bad.
Anime: Good.
TV: Good.
Country: Bad.
Metal: Good.
Nu-Metal: Depends on the group. Most of it is bad, but you strike a few glimmering gems strone throughout the maelstrom.
Death Metal: Good.
Industrial: Good.
Punk Rock: Good.
Easy Listening: Bad.
Korn: Up to Follow the Leader is good.
Murderous Rampages: Good.
Sega: Good.
Nintendo: Good.
Play Station: Good.
Game Boy: Good.
Chinese Food: Good.
Italian Food: Good.
Japanese Food: Good.
Mexican Food: Good.
Online Quizzes: Good.
Online Surveys: Good.

What...?
Whats your deep dark secret: I condone murder, I guess. That is as deep as I will go, beyond that is the dungeons.
Whats your biggest fear: I hate the deep ocean.
Whats your greatest sexual experience: Man. They are all great. Hahaha.
Whats your best date ever: Ehh. Me and Angela on the riverwalk.
Whats your worst date ever: Hmm. No worst one yet. I try to handle them pretty well. Heh.
What is the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you: One of them that tops the list is that one time when I was 9 after church, everyone was mingling about chatting. There was a small, wooden display up asking for contributions to go twards a new convention hall that would be just for that district of Jehovah's Witnesses. I was sorta mingling there, most of the kids thought it was cool and hung out there. This little girl just out of nowhere takes me by suprise and pushes me with all her strength INTO the wooden display, knocking it to the floor with a resounding crash.

Everyone was like staring. It was kinda weird, since it wasn't my fault. lol.

Would you make a good candidate for Jerry Springer: I think I would make a good Jerry Springer, actually.
Anime isn't that bad is it?: I adore it.
You agree that DVD is much better than VHS right? Duh.

Politics:

Do you hate America: Yes.
Do you hate terrorism: Not really. We are hypocrites declareing a war on Terrorism and then invading everyone that we think harbors them. That is sort of terror inducing, haha.
Do you think America shouldn't be involved in the Mid East why: No. Fuck Isreal. Fuck Iraq. Fuck Saudi Arabia. Fuck Afghanistan. Let them kill their own heathen asses over minute, petty religious, polotical and social things. The time when the mid east conservitive countries matter to me it all will only be when my car is out of gas.
Do you hate western culture: Not at all.
Do you like America: No.
Do you like Americans: The smart ones.
Did you vote for Bush: I can't vote.
Do you think Bush is doing a good job: No.
Are you Canadian: No. Natural born Texan.
Do you believe your country is doing okay or would you change things: I would change things. We are doing some pretty stupid things, haha.
Are you conservative or liberal? Liberal Socialist.
Do you think immigration in America is out of hand? Actually, no.
Do you think that group of black people suing some southern company for profiting on slavery in the 1800's has a good claim? No. They should shut the fuck up.
Or do you think if they actually win, that every Native American should sue England, France and Spain for invading them, and profiting off them? If they actually win that I am going to become a crazy old hermit.

Religion:

Are you religious? No.
Do you believe in a higher being: Maybe.
Is every religion wrong except your own? No.
Do you believe that any religion is lower than your own, or is wrong? No.
Is your God the only god? I don't know. I am agnostic, stop asking stupid questions.
Are you going to heaven? God I hope not. That would be boring. Dead conservitives up the ass.
Are you going to hell? I don't believe in hell.

Money:

Do you like it? Yes.
Do you have any? Yes.
Do you make a lot of it? No.
Do you get your money through illegal ways? A few times.
Do you pay taxes? I haven't had to really deal with it yet.
Do you think you shouldn't have to? Ahh. Taxes under the Bush administration. Let the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

Finally:
Who did you get this survey from? The internet.
What time is it? 4:55 AM


what time did you go to sleep last night?: Around 11 AM.
what was the last noise you heard before you fell asleep?: A fan.
the last thing you said?: "I fucking hate this bullshit."
what did you dream about?: Finding a nice girl, actually.
do you drool or snore when you sleep?: Hmm. Neither.
when did you wake up?: 12 PM.
how did you wake up?: Parents.
what's the first thing that crossed your mind when you woke up?: ".. damn it."
when was the last time you took a shower?: Hmm. Yesterday, since it is 5 AM on a new morning.
when was the last time you said i love you to the opposite sex and meant it, family doesn't count: A couple of weeks ago.
where was the last place you went outside of your house?: Cici's Pizza.
who was the last friend you saw?: Ben.
who was the last friend you talked to?: Ben.
who's the one person you would die without?: Haha. No one.
what's your favorite song?: Currently? "Taste My..." by Chimaira.
favorite lyric?: Prolly 'Elite' by the Deftones.

"When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
You like attention
It proves to you you're alive
Stop, parading your angles
Confused? You'll know when you're RIPE

When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control

You're pregnant
With all this space
Thick with Honey
But I've lost my taste

You're into depression
Cause it matches your eyes
Stop, the faux to be famous
Confused? you know when you're RIPE
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control

You're pregnant
With all this space

Thick with Honey
But I've lost my taste.

When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control

You're pregnant
With all this space
Thick with Honey
But I've lost my taste.
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control
When you're ripe
You'll bleed out of control
You'll bleed out of control"
favorite group?: Pig Destroyer, Strapping Young Lad, Deftones.
favorite album?: White Pony by Deftones, Strapping Young Lad's selftitled CD.
how many times have you been in love?: 5.
are you in love anyone right now?: I.. guess.. so..
do they love you back?: Dunno.
if you could kill one person, who would it be?: My biological mother.
how many pillows are on your bed?: 1.
what color is the bottle of shampoo you use, and what kind is it?: Blue bottle of Selsen Blue dandruff shampoo to nuke my hair.
what color is the soap you use and kind?: Some sort of clear bottle. I sat in the store opening up liquid shower soap dispensers and sniffing out the best smelling ones. Some of them smell like a cows ass.
what color is your razor?: Grey.
what kind of deoderant do you use?: Right Guard's bullshit.
what kind of cologne/perfume do you wear?: Whitewater by Old Spice I think.
do you use lotion?: No.
how long are your nails right now?: Destroyed.
how old is the computer you're on?: Few weeks.
who was the last person to annoy you?: Harry.
do you believe in God?: No.
how long are the showers you take?: 25-40 minutes.
how many showers do you take a week?: 3-5.
do you love your parents?: No.
do you love your siblings?: To death.
what's the worst thing that ever happened to you?: Hehehe.
when's the last time you cried?: Thursday night.
why?: I had lost all emotional stability after the last post and was hallucinating, having flashbacks, sobbing wildly. I've been trying to get control over myself for the last 24 hours.
the last time you wished you were dead?: Thursday Night.
the last time you felt important?: tonight.
the last time you felt sad because someone close to you was hurting?: A long, long time ago.
the last time you screamed?: Yesterday.
have you ever physically hurt yourself?: Yes.
how smart are you?: IQ is in the mid to upper 140's depending on the test results you want me to quote.
what person are you extremely attracted to, and not just because of looks?: Hmm. My secret.
do you like being outside?: Yes.
what one person do you know you could always turn to?: Travis, Britty, Tori.
who do you look up to?: No one.
who's the last person that made you cry?: Myself.
is emotional pain or physical pain worse?: Emotional pain can be triggered by phyisical pain.
where do you want to live?: Warsaw, Danzig, Berlin, Paris, Geneva, Kiev, Tokyo.
how many scars are on your body?: This remains something I refuse to answer.
how many people do you love?: A few people.
who's your best friend(s)?: Trav, Britty, Neil, Tori.
who do you turn to for advice?: Travis, Britty, Tori.
if you could bring back one person from the dead, who would it be?: It would be three people. But, if only one, Angela.
on a scale of 1-10, how happy are you?: 3.4
on a scale of 1-10, how depressed are you?: 5.6
what color are the sheets on your bed?: I don't have sheets. I use a single comforter.
how many cds do you own?: Dozens.
what are 3cds you wish to own?: Two of Pig Destroyers CDs and the newest from Chimaira.
what is your greatest regret?: Haha.
when was the last time you were sick?: Couple months ago I had a bad cough.
are you hurting anywhere right now?: Nope.
what do you wish you were doing right now?: Sleeping.
when was the last time you had a nightmare?: Friday morning.
are you talking to anyone right now?: Desbreakfast.
what are you talking about?: Heh. Gonads.
who's the last person you were on the phone with?: Ben.
are you pale?: Hmm. Overall? No. In the face? Nope.
when was the last time you brushed your hair?: Weeks ago. I hate combing/brushing/licking/fucking/whatevering my hair.
have you ever wanted plastic surgery?: No.
how many screen names do you have?: Two.
which one do you use the most? DeathKnight V4.

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Friday, October 24, 2003

There was a rainbow like a halo over the world
*pulls off his emotional mask for some melodramatic ranting*

I hate going out into public places.

It is like an animosity that has no real foundation. I just hate to see all the people, the crowds, the noise. I walk from place to place with my head sternly faced twards the floor, brooding quietly in general.

I just really hate being in public. It is something I don't understand, actually.

Maybe I do. Everyone always seems to have a friend with them, or a significant other.

Or a parent. Or a sibling.

It is like I am the only person in that area that is alone.

I do not have any family to be with, or a girlfriend. My sibling is gone. My friends are busy with other friends. I am just alone.

Irritating. Other people are happy, why can't I be happy. Just a little bit. I never seem to be able to take joy in things other people do. It bugs me. I feel dysfunctional. Broken. Not in working order.

I think I should make some new friends. I would like that. Someone to hang out with. I would be happy if someone was just around once and awhile..

I have not really made an effort to get new friends since I 'lost' my old, small clique. That could be the key to finding a bit of happiness.. mebbe..

I wonder if I am so stubborn on my veiw of suicide because of those lost friends. I do not think that they would be selfish.. I cannot accept that they would.. not be.. thinking about me.

I mean, in the notes.. they seemed..

Yea. I should probably find some new friends.

I am really messed up now, I had alot of caffeine and it is destroying my usual control over my volitile emotions.

Maybe I am losing my mind, finally. Probably not. I would find a release.. but the only release I know of well is to cut myself.

I don't want to cut myself right now. Having a sharp knife near me when my emotions are not right would be a bad idea. ^_^' Yes, a bad.. bad.. idea.

I think I need some help, but the last time I went to a professional person they completely ignored me and put me on a new wave of medication. I do not want to be in that medically subdued state, it was a bad time.

Maybe I should just listen to music. Yes, some Deftones. That should ease my frayed nerves.

Ahh. I am very sorry. I just needed somewhere to let off some steam, and this is the only place I have. No one is.. around.. to listen to me IRL. ^_^..

Thank you. I am going to go try to sleep now.

Please, comment on how you feel about social situations, am I the only person that hates them?

Try to ignore.. all the melodrama between the first sentence and paragraph about my hate of social situations, and this.

Good night.

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Thursday, October 23, 2003

*shakes his head slowly*
I still cannot beleive that people think suicide is a cowardly and selfish act. The thought of their loved ones and family members probably drive them mad when they are pondering doing it. It is not a selfish act- in no way are they thinking of themselves.

I bet they have run out of means to cope with the things that were going on in their lives. Their shield was down, fuel was low. They can't live anymore.

There is no way that people who commit suicide are cowards. The strength and willpower it takes to actually inflict a fatal blow on oneself is immense. Most of them prolly can't bring themselves to do it.

I dunno. I guess it just pisses me off that people who have never been at that crossroads- hyper teenage girls, or know at all young men who think everything they say is oh-so-witty- can talk at all about it.

They just get told that it is that way. Told that.. suicidal people are cowards and selfish for killing themselves. There is a difference between those who are just a bit saddened and the true suicidal people.

The people who have no willpower left to live, only willpower to die.

Haha. But I guess people will continue to be misinformed, biased idiots.

I can't change their minds. Only they can do that.

Oh well. Call this post the lament of a intellectual.

An intellectual lamenting that the world is so quick to judge a book by its cover.

Yet never willing to walk in the shoes of the person they are stereotyping and judging.

Hahaha. I am a coward and selfish then, too.

If you say so..
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