Tuesday, January 18, 2005

well...
today at school i started to cry in the library...because i was telling serena (pita-ten) about my dad and my grandma thing...and i couldn't help it...she comforted me...and it felt like a huge amount of weight was lifted off of my shoulders...anyway i drew some pictures that i will put up tomarrow...dont expect some anime-good-ness-cute-bunny-stuff...because i draw the oposite...it looks simular to the nightmare before christmas art...anyway yeah...tell me the truth too...dont you love my background...i do...i love to play the piano and when i saw this background i freaked out and wanted it...the song seems to be blowing her hair...instead of the wind...i imagine the song to be sad, slow yet happy at the same time...her expresion is comforting...*closes eyes and smiles* please pray for me...i need to smile again...and mean it...

~chii~
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Monday, January 17, 2005

sadness part 2...

well my mom told me today that she called my dad and and tried to tell him that she would drop all charges if he would at least come into my life...( i haven't seen him in about 4 years...) and well my mom was talking to my dads wife and she hung up on my mom...and i got really sad when my mom told me this...i started to cry after she left....my dad is a very weak subject for me...i hate this...any way just thought i should tell you all...i thought that maybe you all would care...but...*sigh* i dont know what to say anymore...*sigh*

~chii~
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sadness...

well i know that i hate my grandmother but she found out today that she might have breast cancer...i feel bad...but she just jokes about it like nothing is wrong...i cried...because everyone is acting so tense and wants me to treat her different i said no...and i started to cry...i ran to me room and shut the door and drew a picture of how i felt...i will put some of my horribly drawn pictures up later...anyway i drew a tree on top of a hill with stars and a moon in the vackground...everything i draw has a meaning...and this picute is hard to tell what the meaning is...maybe when i show it to you...you might be able to figure it out...anyway i made a song change and the background is different...i hope you like it...well i and going through tough times...thats all....and nothing more...

~chii~
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Sunday, January 16, 2005

my first atempt for a song
Please don’t cry
Because you see my eyes full of tears
Please don’t die
Because of my childish fears
Please don’t hide
Because im lost
Im deep inside

Soon I’ll fly away
This warm place I cannot stay
Shadows call my name
My life will never be the same
My heart is not there
Im in deep despair
My love is far away
Waiting for that day

I can’t stop
I don’t know why
I want to
Just fall and die
Fall and cry

Soon I’ll fly away
This warm place I cannot stay
Shadows call my name
My life will never be the same
This pain I cannot bare
But I don’t care



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........

as most of you know pita-ten dedicated a poem to me on her site and it is so sweet...anyway thank you pita-ten...well today i go to church (happy happy joy joy) yet another place i have to be happy because i know everyone there...today i might go to pits-tens house and watch fruits basket...yey!!...yeah..well...anyway...gee thanks luna moon for calling me fucking stupid...that really helps...okay well i have to go...

~chii~
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Saturday, January 15, 2005

.....

i guess you all are getting sick of hearing my horrid life...so i dedicate my happiness here


Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
*sarcastic*

there are you happy...im not...

~chii~
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hey ..............
well anyway...how has everyone been?? good i hope...my grandmother really got mad at me for no reason...and she yelled and yelled and threated me...she said if i ever lie to her that she will lock me up in my room until i am 30 and i wont be able to see anyone...i know it sounds gay...but the way she put it i think that she is searious...i hate her...i went to my room and found my old friend mr. razor and i was about to cut when i thought about it...and i cut myself anyway...i guess i feel this way because i feel usless and i feel like i am not suposed to be here...i can choose my friends but not my family...i wish i could choose my family then my life wouldnt be so hard...i think i will starve myself...maybe when i can barley walk my grandmother will understand...when she was yelling at me i wanted to screen out that i cut myself...and that it was her fault...and i wanted to run to the kicten and get a really big knife and cut the hell out of my rist...but i thought about it...and went to my room and stuck with cutting myself with a razor...my life...and when she was yelling i saw sick horrid pictures in my head of bloody rain and an arm with a gash in it...what does that mean...

~chii~
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Friday, January 14, 2005

...........

well this is how i feel like there are two of me and one is sad and is able to become happy...and the other is angry and wants blood...i feel trapped inside and there is a way out but i cant find it...i know where it is but im lost...and the other me laughs and taunts me...haunts me...and all i can do is try not to listen to my burning soul...my heart seems to dissapear everytime i need it to be there...my mind goes blank when i need it the most...and i play the piano...and when i do everything dissapears and it is just me...and my piano...my life changes and i feel perfect...i play fur elise and canon my two favorite songs that i love to play...i play them over and over until my hands ache and my heart is full...but when i stop all the memories come back...and i feel worse that i have ever felt before...that os false hope...false hope is when you think you have something great and you dont...and i told myself a long time ago that nothing was wrong...but i have to stop lying to myself...its not healthy...and i understand that cutting myself isnt healthy either...but its not something i plan on doing...i dont go around saying "hmm after my nice dinner of french fries i will cut the living hell out of my leg" no it is just something that happens...i try to stop but...that other me...tells me too...and im afraid...so i do it...

~Chii~
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thank you all...
thank yuo all for helping me and for the support there..i really needed that...i would never kill myself...because because seven people care about that anyway i will write later *family in here*

~Emo Chii~
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Thursday, January 13, 2005

...
hey everyone...well i am depressed now and i really dont know why...my suicidal thoughts take me deeper and deeper inside everytime...i try to drown out the voices with music but that does not always work...i hate this...well i got a new notebook...now i can write more poems...the ones everyone loves *sarcastic*...anyway...today was not fun at all...what am i talking about i never have fun at school unless i am making fun of a teacher or planning murders...this sucks...i hate me so much..and i dont know why...i feel so hated and few love me...my boyfriend tells me that he not only loves me but he wants me to feel loved...i started to cry...and then i hated my self even more because i told him after that...that i still cut myself...and he told me that he understands me better now and that he does not look at me any different...but i can never belive that...i walked infront of 3 cars today...and he ran and picked me up everytime...this one lady screemed "Hore" at me and i wrote her license plate number down...im going to say that she tried to rape me or something...well anyway...now you know...i still cut myself...i would not say anything...because i dont want pita-ten to know...but i dont even care anymore...because she never reads my posts...so i dont care...about anything...

~chii~
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