Monday, March 19, 2007

   a jeart breaking pain

This day is the last! ^-^ [makes ya feel good, huh?] oh well! anyways. I feel in love with Tifa, from FF! yeah she is so cool! [than again I also love cloud, axel, Roxas, Sora, Naruto, zoro, Luffy, and many many others. Stalker-kun can be so mean, theres this kid in our class[who has something or other that make idoits here beleave he stupid] and stalker-kun is so mean to him, alond with kyle and some other guys. But Besides that; what really happend today? Nothing much, I had a lot of fun today! [even if its the last] (makes my heart beat so much slower) anyways, I am so stressed out. I'm not acting like it, but this whole day has seemed like It was the part of eating my smile away[that don't make to much sense does it?] These last two days, I could barely breath, much or less relax. gezz this whole week, brings back the thought of the [one I love the most]. who is gone so it doesn't matter now does it! ^-^ right. maybe I'll just say something; I'm always thinking of the[one I love the most] always, and sometimes that effects me way to much. today, the 19 of march 2007, it has been three years since the last time I saw the face of [the on I love the most]-even just typing that phase gets to me sometimes. I wish that time would never end. (still this makes no sense right) I need to have that shoulder, to cry on. I wish that Thursday would never come because even if its been three years, just knowing that three years ago, the only part of me that made me whole left, it brings a feeling of missing that [person i love the most] to think about i can't even say their*[look down] name without falling apart. hey, what would you do if the one person you trusted, the only you could freely feel that you loved without thinking that the only reason you loved your family was because they were in fact your family and you had to love them. its not that I don't like family its just that sometimes I feel that if like if your sister was your peer[and not your sister] you probably not talk so much. Can I say how this effects me today though? the person I love the most was very ill and could not come to school.[and yet no matter how sick i become with this illness I still go to school every day^-^] any ways s/he couldn't come to school because of a sickness, and I blamed it on myself. I remember that I would pray to god for em' to get better, maybe I wasn't quite smart enough to also pray for us being able to each other;s face. I remember back in 3ed and 4th grade when I would pray for a best friend, because back than it seemed like every one had someone who was their best friend but me. so i just got to watch them have there happiness while I could only wish. I may not have known much about religion and god back than but I thought that if you were a good person than it has to mean something and you'll at least get somebody, and yet there i was, best friendless. so I guess it gave me low selfasteam, but than again it seems like the only people that teachers and school staff care about is the people who are willing to say that they are hurt, but the feeling in my heart is saying that the people who don't say that there in pain, the people who hide it, are in more pain than the people who are willing to say that they in heart breaking pain. I think that because I never got to tell anyone about the unbarrable pain I was in; that it made me beleave that nobody wanted to know, that nobody cared about the holes in my heart. I try to hide it but its still there. ^-^ Can I say how I feel right now? Cringing. Broken. Beaten up. Restless. Sad. That this second itsn't happening. That nothing is happning. That my heart only beats so fast. That I can't move my leg. Like time has only began. =i miss you= *I say their because I don't wanna say its a guy and have you people think I'm some kinda slut, and I don't want you guy thinking its a girl and you thinking I'm some kinda Lesbian[which I am not] just thinking of this day is something for me ^-^ the reason I'll talk about on here is because I dont' want ot forget[even thought it may seem like it sometimes] people who are smarter than can say it better? Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.-Franklin D. Roosevelt I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. -Wilson Mizner A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling. Get away from the crowd when you can. Keep yourself to yourself, if only for a few hours daily. - Arthur Brisbane All people want is someone to listen.- Hugh Elliott Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. Publilius Syrus feeling like this

Comments (2) | Permalink

Sunday, March 18, 2007

   Danger and delight

this weekend was great!! I totally enjoyed dustin's party and going to ivana;s house! I loved it! we learned how to play risk at dustin's! it was fun. we talked till about 6:30[in the mouring] at ivana's house! that was a lot of fun~! what else happened this week? umm not much. I've been drawing alot more. its been nice out side so I spending less time on the computer! I like the outside more than inside. we got report cards. I got all A's I'm going to buy a new MP3player, it a flash drive, and it has 2GB, which is about 4 times as much as Meppy[my current MP3player] I'm happy. now with the bad with this week. This guy at my school is freaking stalking me. [no I am not overeacting] He will follow me around at school,[and for ramen: his name is James] Most of the time He is so Freaking Annonying. [sigh] :shock: I should not have a stalker, well wait now I have two. sigh I am not populare enough for a stalker. [deep sigh] in other new, My first day of High school..is my birthday! [hears cracklying and breaking sounds in the background.] Danger and delight grow on one stalk. ~English Proverb and for stalkers[its the second person thats for stalkers]

Comments (3) | Permalink

Friday, March 9, 2007

   Saying goodbye

this week had been such a week, so I will replay it for myself! on monday I went to art and worked slightly hard on tuesday.... I got really sick an dcould barly stand up for about an hour and 15 min.s so I didn't go to PE and I know why I got really sick and I wish it wouodn't happen but I don'[t know how to stop it. wedsday- I went to art again and theres this new kid who is so cool! I love him [he sits right next to me] and I changes my sit so I sit next to james! so now i sit by a friends in art [i wasn't before] yeah!! i loves it! then in 3ed block we watched a movie about some cute owls that was interesting but just that. on thursday- we had this math thing me and ramen went to! it was so much more fun than the other math thing we went to. I bet its becuase mrs.utley was there! and on thursday everyone keep thinking it was friday! on friday.... we partyied like it was 1999 this whole week I've been having a wish to do something utterly violetent and bloody. its the kind where was so mad I had imgs in my mind about stabbing a heart again and again and carving it into something nasty and horriable. and other very violetent things[of this nature] i hate it. I think that someone wants me to like them more then i'm letting them know i like them, it can be so weird. [rant] the song Parade from naruto makes me think of what it would be like to live in a place with nicer people, closer house, lovable friends, people who whouldn't say anything if they saw you on the street.{ mosty the first and last one, really thought how hard is it to not be harassed just for walking outside?} a place where each day rolls lby as if it was didn't want to stab you in the heart and then take off running with it. and yet in this parade city pain still happens expect mabye it happens to every equaly or mabye there is someone to pick the piece [of that person] for every body. its like teh person signign is tlelling about his pain and how noboy was there for him or no one i wlling to go as far as they need to [for him] and he sees someone who always ask if he;s okay but they just don't relize what he feels, [he needs a random hug from behind[so you see teh person comeing] at teh begging of the day saying I Care about you!] the song [i]sayonara[/i] makes me feel like I'm being hugged by the person i love the most and the he pulls me back and kisses me softy. Then laugh a little about random Memorys to make the mood better. I know he has to leave and it happens, and then the song kinda skips all that time and goes to some time [a time after that] and I still havn't seen her, but I'm in the forest with a book I proabley won't be reading, and just start thinking about all those fun times we had with each other and smile as the barely breaths onto my pale skin{me pale skin right}. and after that I get up and [still smiling} run towards nothing it makes me so sad, that song does. Himtsu Kichi- a song about growing up is what i think when ever I think about this song, I think of a boy just trying to do his best and yet he barly keep that his foucus. at the start of the cong i htink the boy is looking up to the sky, and all it clouds. I think the boy like the adventure and likes to do it by himself becuse that theh only option he had. I see the boy spinning himself around. I see hime smiling and crying at the smae time, and then walking to a new destiny. and then he grows up and thinks about him self as a child. and then it goes to his child and he think how much alike they are. I also see a paint bush being deeped into red paint, a big bucket of read paint [like a gallon] [none of that made any sense did it?] "Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it." Trey Parker and Matt Stone -but it still hurts-

Comments (4) | Permalink

Thursday, March 1, 2007

   come down

My heart feels repressed. there are these people on my bus who just love to make fun of my friend who is in the 4th grade and can't say his Rs right[just like me^-^] and his name is Reed and he syas it kinda like Weed. He asked them to stop and they just said in a babying voice "it's okay" and the way they said it. I think that people who can just say that kinda stuff so easy, I think they must have had it easy all there life. I mean with your voice you kinda don't know when you say something wrong and when someone points it out, after haveing all those people pick on you and stuff [when you were younger] even when that person is a good friend, when they say something even if its good natured it still kinda kills you to hear it. Like I have a friend who will say the word I miss said, every time I say it and so I just try not to say the word anymore. Oh well. Even though I know it bad, sometimes I try just to act like nothing is going on when I really want to be Yelling my ears out about how [sometimes] I feel like haveing friends and talking to people is one of the worst choices I made in middle school, or how I wish I could just not talk anymore. It's these times when my heart feels like its barly beating. It was raining today, nice add to this Lovely day. As I review my day today it feels like I have only made choices that are dreadfully bad. It hurts my head to think about it. apparently I relaly messed up our princpal's wishs about "make today a good day or........ Not] I had a quiz today in math and failed it. I messed one of the question about a box and whisker graph[slightly because I was to careful] by 500 I anwered 200 the anwer was 700, those kinda graph are really... diffent. otherwise math is great I really do like what were learning[besides the graph thingy]. I don't know why, but I asked[I felt like it ^-^ the teacher if she had one of my favorite games 'Zelda Twilight Princess' she said no. -.- i don't think I loves her as much now. ^-^ all in all though I really hate today, and wish I could find the rewind button "Let the rain of what I feel right now come down."-Into the ocean [blue October]

Comments (3) | Permalink

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

   Think of all the beauty

today I read vol. 1 of mars! we had a P.E thingy today, and I go 27 sit ups, and +6 on another test! Nothing interesting happened today. expect mabye two boys were in the same stall in the bathroom together. hmm. [yaoi] our teachers got really mad. we watched this really boreding movie in 1st today with some WERID music and then in 4th we heard the music again and laughed. it was fun. oh well "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

Comments (3) | Permalink

Sunday, February 25, 2007

The cure for boredom

Today... did nothing for me. I am bored out of my mind, and yet I don't want to go to school on Monday... -.- I feel fat. Its raining so I can't go outside, but before it was raining I got my soccer ball stuck in a tree... I can't get it out. ...sigh. I don't know though, what will happen on monday when I go back to school. I don't know if something will happen or everything will just be brushed over, I'm wondering about it. oh well. bye "The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." ~Dorothy Parker

Comments (5) | Permalink