Thursday, July 8, 2004

Postion the stitches like miles of torpedos.
I've kinda noticed that I cuss the most out of anyone in my class.

People: We are shocked!

Nah, haha. That isn't too surprising. Cussing is kinda second nature now. My friend says he only uses it when "strong emotions" are implied.

Yeah, me too. ;P

Things at the Driving School are winding down to my last day tomorrow. I miss public school for the human interaction. Before I left to be homeschooled, I was made fun of a ton and I took it personally because I had not matured yet.

I have a feeling if I returned I would have a great time just chilling with the people who would grant me respect. Those who don't respect me, that's cool- I won't mind anymore.

Haha. Did you ever notice the brutal irony in giving a girl you sorta like relationship advice? That has happened to me alot in the last few years. No one ever really views me as boyfriend material. I'm either just cute, or they just want to be friends.

It's a tired, sad story that happens to alot of people I guess. Maybe I am just a goofy oddball, eh.

Loneliness when it finally settles in feels like it will linger in entirety for all duration of time. It makes you feel like you will die feeling this way, you will die by yourself - while you were there for everyone, no one will be there for you.

It makes me bitter when I think back on all the people that have betrayed my trust. Should I trust any of you? You seem normal like they do. I guess I have to, just to aide people like I love doing. But I wish people wouldn't take advantage of that.

You all are reasonable people. Uh, some of you are kinda naive but. You know. Not your fault. Hahaha.

Ah, well. I can't get my mind out of the past no matter what I do. I'm slowly doing the only thing you can do with your past- learning from it and putting it behind you. These are scars of pride, they gave me wisdom. You have to go through trials-by-fire to learn things, unless you have a mentor to teach you.

Ah well. I *did* learn some things. At least I got something out of that.

By the way, my attitude has shifted. Suicides are betrayals. I've gone from making excuses for my friends to bitterly regretting it. They are a betrayal to your comrades, your friends.

So you damn well remember that. None of you are dying to anything self inflicted. I will break into your funeral and rip your face apart infront of your bewildered loved ones. No one is abandoning me again. I'm not tolerating anyone being so selfish that they feel that they have no other options.

Alright. I warned you.

Aside from that, driving is kinda fun. I'm not really scared of getting into a wreck- I'm looking forward to it. It will be a very chaotic and interesting affair.

Here's to surviving. Hahaha.

Sayonara, little chickas, dudes, gringos, world leaders and otherwise.

Don't be a stranger.

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Tuesday, July 6, 2004

So go get your knife.
There's a unit test I didn't study for today. Haha. I'll do fine. Heh. I'll scan over my notes, no biggy.

The biggy I guess is the second drive. I'm with a cooler dude than Mr. Pearce [the old white dude]. I'm with Mr. Lacey, who is a middle aged black guy who seems to have been all over the place.

As for me, it will be mundane I guess. I wish my mom wasn't so damn stupid- she freaks out whenever I ask her to come with me to practice. I detest my father to the core of my being, so- I hate to be forced to be with that bozo.

Aye. My last year of school is coming. People tell me I should go to collage. I smile at them like an old man would smile at a small kid and say something like "maybe" or "that might be". I just don't care enough to go. I might, eh. I'd rather do it out of state at a random place, like Cali.

Heh. Recently I've not been eating as much. I don't eat much beyond two meals a day, I tell myself to wait for the next days meals if I get hungry. I feel starved sometimes, but it's s'alright. A meal is always a short time away. Just a diet, I guess. Gotta lose weight somehow.

Well, time for four hours straight of driving hell. Sayonara, gringos/gringas/politicians.

I don't mind stealing bread
From the mouths of decadence
But I can't feed on the powerless
When my cup's already overfilled
But it's on the table
The fire is cooking
And they're farming babies
While the slaves are working
The blood is on the table
And their mouths are choking
But I'm growing hungry

Edit: Before any of you get all worked up note the word diet. Not eating disorder. Diet.

If I get too hungry I have the intelligence and wisdom enough to eat an apple unlike some twats.

*eyes various "^^ I'm not going to eat anything even if I am starved" people, mainly young teenage people.*

So don't freak out on me. I have to lose some weight. =P That means eating less.
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Monday, July 5, 2004

I've kinda been checking out some preliminary things to see if I could even drive to Anaheim for the next AX.

It seems to be a pretty boring journey in order- I would drive through a very large chunk of all of the USA's desert. Yay.

The money would be the key problem. It will be amusing to try to do anyway. Ugh, I'm going to be out of highschool at 16. Ah well, adventure while you are young I suppose.

Yesterday was amusing. A shed burned down in our neighborhood.

I had nothing to do with that. *scratches back of head* ... yeah.

I was sorta po'ed no one was around initially and then I had the odd epiphany [for a teenager] that all this angst was my own doing. So I went outside and just introduced myself to everyone. lol. They were kinda taken aback, but most of my new neighbors are interesting.

Way back on the first I had my first drive. I'll tell you now, the only word to describe it was nerve wracking. I was stuck with this old white guy named Mr. Pearce who is hard of hearing and kinda bitchy. He seemed like a nice guy, but..

Well, I mean. I did run off the road a bit, but. You know. That was obviously on purpose. Yeah.

Aside from that I've started talking with the dorks in my driving school class. Mainly the lovely ladies. Cough. A few of the guys too. Only real "talking" that guys on between students is stuff I start.

Lessee. Hope you had an interesting 4th. Hope you'll have an interesting 5th. Stay safe and uh.

Donate to the "Ken will need alot of gas money for AX" fund.. yeah.

Sayonara, adios, catch you later.

Etc.
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Sunday, July 4, 2004

O mein Gott. Es gibt ein axt im meine kopf.
I've never celebrated the Fourth of July or said the Pledge of allegiance due to my previous religion. That is one of the only positive things that ever came about from that.

I don't have a biased view on this country. I wasn't taught patriotism. No, I don't hate this country. I don't deny that it has A.)Military, culture and industrial power, B.) Usually has quasi-intelligent people at the citizen and some political levels, or C.) Has helped nations in the past who required help.

I'm just not patriotic. This country has killed innocent people, it's had double agendas- it's a nation. Nations have goals to acquire resources, territory, people. They have goals to protect their interests, their sovereignty.

So, in closing, I find a pro-my country attitude of any citizen of any country to be somewhat amusing, if nothing else. The achievements of any country are blackened by the unavoidable bloodshed, shady acts or double agendas that come with BEING a country.

Then again, that might prove that you really can't blame them- it comes with the territory of being a sovereign nation. The one thing I refuse to tolerate is nationalism and it's extreme counterpart, jingoism. I know for a fact both of those concepts have caused unneeded and undo bloodshed.

Patriotism? Meh. I guess for some people it just comes with being apart of the country. As long as, with most everything else that deals with humanity, you don't take it to extremes it can be ok.

However, I scoff at some patriotic people. Especially those from Canada, hmm. *taps chin* Mexican patriotism too. Serbian, Ukrainian and Polish patriotism is more annoying than funny. Most of the smaller Slavic countries I scoff at. Oh yeah, I kinda giggle at Australian patriotism. *coughs* Yeah, there is more to it but I'm kinda rambling now.

ANYWHO, back to the point at hand. If you are celebrating July 4th with a real sense of pride, kudos. If you or your family are just whoring it out as an excuse to get together, that's fine.

I just find myself disliking any idea that you are somehow elevated from other members of mankind. Be it because of country, race or social hierarchy.

You should consider yourself to be human, first and foremost.

Now for some sort of on topic but cool historic images.











I think most of the pictures are pretty easy to identify. The one you might not get is the one with the Soviet soldiers. They are atop the Reichstag in the centre of Berlin, waving the flag of the USSR. That is how destroyed the city was after the Battle for Berlin.

Also the last picture is kinda hard to figure. It's from the current war in Iraq.

Welp. Uh, have a nice July 4th.

Hahaha. *pats you on the back*
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Friday, July 2, 2004

Enkidu.
I'm too goddamn tired.

Post will replace this tomorrow. *waves them off* Shoo.

Shoo, I said. *dismissive wave* Shoo.
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Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Stereotypical.
I don't know why, my mom is being bitchy- the immature little cunt can't accept her losing any amount of power in the family. She even got my father so drugged up he's a submissive little puppydog who does anything she says no matter how ridiculous it is.

That stupid whore is the pure essence of everything I fucking hate. She takes it wrong when I tell her "I don't care". She is bitching about when I hit her lightly with paper towel rolls [something very kenish to do, it doesn't hurt a bit], claiming it is abuse.

Now she just comes in making all these demands, taking away things she has granted to me- for no real reason, just because she can. She said I had to straighten up, that my attitude was wrong. The hypocrite didn't even realize that doing this just might not be the goddamn best thing to do.

She starts calling offices- offices for MMORPGs I charge on her credit card. It is that ridiculous. I had already cancelled my subscription to this MMORPG, but she didn't believe me- she made my father come in here, demanding the email address to be sure. I dismissed him of course- "It's your problem. You're the one that doesn't believe me. You find the email address on your own time." Is what I said, to the word.

Ugh, that is how stupid it is. She is having a tantrum like a little child over small things- like my haircut, or my apathy or even how I stack cleaned clothes.

My dad told me not to talk like that to my mother. She isn't my mother. I told him that. I told him that he wasn't my father either- they aren't. I don't give a fuck what the law says, they aren't "parents" anymore to me.

So, then, of course, he tried to better himself by comparing himself to my biological father. "Go live with him," he said, "He didn't even care about you."

Ohhhh, right in the gut.

Right about then I realized that I had stopped caring about the laws. I was resolved that neither of them would see the light of day tomorrow- R.I.P.

I didn't care about jail or being executed. I just couldn't wait for leaving anymore, I had to either hurt them or myself.

Thankfully, things winded down to utter silence right now. All alone, I am. Didn't have to kill or hurt anyone either.

I don't know who or what entity hates me to this degree. lol. I don't ask for much, hardly anything at all- I just want them to leave me alone. I don't care about what they are talking about, about their lives, anything about them. This isn't just angst, I really don't care for or about them as people. Especially because of their religion, their actions and their oh-so-obvious dysfunctions.

Ugh, I had the severe urge to cut but I ignored it since I promised several people I wouldn't anymore. I'm alright, I'm fine.

Someday I just might snap and do something to them. *shakes his head* They don't even realize how their incessant, annoying meddling affects me.

Something wants me dead. I'm always being pushed to the edge and barely making it back. <<; Maybe I am gaining wisdom from it, I don't know.

I can't really say that out of that pure rage state I would kill them. I would probably leave the house- heck, I might get kicked out at this rate.

Yeah. I'll make it.

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials."

EDIT:

Hey Aleia, I didn't mean to hang up on you. I was switching phones and sorta accidentally turned off the one I had been on before turning on the other one, thusly hanging up on you. << Sorry if that phone was being shitty.
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Your color was blue, myself is making me feel that way.
Bloody fuck whatever entity spaces people so far apart. I'm going to rip my hair out at this rate.

Stumbling after people will be fun. Like a lovesick puppy, seeking that which I desire.

Setting myself up for a fall is even more fun. Pessimism, optimism- either way, guaranteed it won't turn out peachy in the end. I wish that it would! Impart upon me a genie and the world would be a kentastic place for kens to live.

Thusfar I grow tired of the same old stories. Maybe I should just move to somewhere to be with someone. It wouldn't be right of me to drag anyone to my adventures, but it would make me happier to have someone come along.

Ugh, to die for this cause. It's so stupid. Chasing after things on a different continent- what did you die for Ken? Dreams, sir. What a silly thing to die for, Ken.

I don't think so, sir.

In twenty years where will I be? Where will you be. I don't know about me, but I wish to be with the one that I love. You will be where you decide to be. That is your right.

Collage? I really have no desire to enter school again. If I did I would either go to a Military Collage or some random one around the country to learn History. But eh, if it gave me a reason to go elsewhere.

Maybe I would be a good stalker. Hahaha. Hm. *waves them off* Shoo.

"One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it." - Vincent Van Gogh

"Regrets are idle; yet history is one long regret. Everything might have turned out so differently." - Charles Dudley Warner

Something more intellectual, less dramatic and more useful might be posted tonight.

Haha. No promises.
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Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Early in the morning, rise into the street.
So, let me tell you about yesterday mi amigos, amigas and la presidente.

Started off with the hit of a snooze button, a shower and a cup of tea. It was quiet, quaint- serene, maybe. You could see the sky in it's glory, you could see what is left of the forest in it's glory, you could see a few animals here and there.

It was picturesque.

The drive over, I didn't feel like doing the mundane "small talk" bit with my parents. I listened to Poison the Well, jammed a minor bit before we got there- good fun, I assure you.

As I arrived I prepared to do my new bit- I was tired of all these tired, boring teenagers with no charisma. The only people who had any spark to them were the preppy teenage girls, and they just came off as fucking annoying. I didn't want to be the same tired, bored person. I might be depressed, morose, whatever- no reason to ruin their day.

I waltzed into the hallway outside the classroom and sat down next to Zach Jordan- he is actually an old friend from my middle school days. I gave him a good ol' "What's up" and he shyly replied- that was it for the first "conversation" of the day. As I said, very dull teenagers, these.

Well, nothing much new- Mr. Calvert was his normal, semi-hyper self. Everyone else but this one preppy girl was zonked, shy, apathetic or quiet.

We did two chapters in our little hardback textbook o' freedom. About halfway through the class, we had our ten minute break. I walked outside, still resolute in my plan to be outgoing, and started to walk down the hallway twards the bathrooms in the rear- just stretching to get the kinks out. A girl from my class was walking down the opposite direction- this time, I gave her a hearty "how's it going?" I got a fairly good answer, but she kept walking after we passed each other.

So, I turned around, walking back down the hall and noticed that several of the kids were congregating outside- I decided that was the best opportunity, chance, etc. I walked out and they were all congregated together- the only stray from the pack is that chicka I still haven't talked to. She was on her cellphone.

I didn't have the faith in social activities to go over to them, so I leaned against the wall and let my eyes trace the sky. The clouds were beautiful, lilting sleepily across the heavens. It was beautiful, but I was the only one who even noticed the clouds- sorta dorky, I guess. But I always find the skies to hold such artistic grace..

I walked back inside, giving up on the group, and sat down in the hallway near a rather small, white nerdish looking kid. Zach came out and sat down.

We actually managed to start a conversation. It was rather crazy, but it was still a conversation. Basically initially I goaded him [in all good humorous fun, I assure you] about his sleeping habits. He told me about how he just falls asleep and takes naps at seemingly random during the day.

"You will make a great driver then." I said.

He grinned and nodded, "yeah."

Another highlight of the day was getting the time.

"Either of you got the time?"

The nerdy looking kid said something that I couldn't hear. I turned and said, "What?"

He said "Three minutes to go."

I turned back to Zach and said, "Three minutes eh."

He said "I always manage to lose my watches. I know they are still around somewhere though- I hear them beeping." He cracked a grin and said, "I hear them everywhere- all the time, calling to me."

"Well, Zach. I think that's called schizophrenia."

I talked about why I didn't have a watch and then turned back to the kid, "How much time now?"

Zach took out a pen and started fiddling with it idlely.

"Two minutes." The little nerdy kid said.

"Two minutes, huh. That's enough time to start a war."

Zach looked up and said, "A war?"

"Yes. Right there." I lifted my arm up and pointed at the Citgo gas station a bit away. "We will take that gas station. You, me- all three of us."

I pointed to this pen, "See, you have a weapon. Your pen." I glanced back to the nerd, "He can tell the time and I-" I tapped my glasses, "can see."

It was ridiculous, but they found it funny. "The Citgo will be ours!" The nerdy kid said.

"Yeah, definitely."

So that was the first part of the day. I'll continue this later.

"A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep."


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Monday, June 28, 2004

You could have it all.. my empire of dirt.
Alright, great! The Supreme Court gave President Bush the power to hold an American citizen without charges or trial. But, thankfully, the detainee can challenge his treatment in court. That is a bit too close to something that could be a major disaster for the great "democratic" nation of America.

Eh, aside from that not much is up. I have to go to driving school soon- alright, another test!

Last night I finally got on City of Heroes and made myself a scrapper. Using a name I use for alot of my characters, Raesi Saeko, a katana-using melee-front man was born. =)

I'll give you guys a picture of him, and then head on out for another couple of hours- I might have a longer post tonight about something "important". Yeah. Much love to everyone- especially la presidente. ;]




Click it for a larger image. I would like a beard like that someday. ;] Well, tell me how you think he looks- I spent alot of time making him look the way I wanted. I think he turned out great.

Adios. *salutes* *is escorted by a small contingent of waffles*
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