Tuesday, August 4, 2009

ha ha ha, awesome :D
So today I'm happy for a kind of bad reason :P
Band camp has started, and i'm the section leader of the saxophones. But I play flute too, and the flute section leader hasn't even come for one full day of band camp, so the flutes are clueless on what to do or how to act. And so (here's the good news!) My band teacher made me the (temporary) flute section leader :D -which is something i tried out for last year but instead had gotten Sax leader- but (here's the bad reason) the real flute section leader is one of my friends.
I feel kind of bad for sort of stealing her section, but until she gets her act together, this is the way it's going to be. :P
Only this means i have to learn the songs on two instruments (which is a pain in the ass) Still I'll do it ^_^

Oh yeah! Also my aunt is coming to live with us for a few months. It'll be interesting, I'll have to be a sort of "big sister" seeing as my aunt has a, like, 12 year old boy, and a little baby. i've always been the youngest, so this will be kind of weird. xD

My sister has left, she is now in Finland and won't be back for about a year.

I guess that's it for now :)
bye-bye


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Friday, July 24, 2009

Random post of awesomeness!
....yeah, not so much.

Life's been pretty much a roller coaster.
I've been taking this Youth Media class, and it's a lot of fun! I've worked with the people before and love the club (during the school year that is) But I don't have time for it during the school year so I got kinda sad. But then I remembered the summer intensive! And joined :) It's great to be back in the studio recording.

But then, of course, there's the down side.
My sister is about to leave to Finland for a whole YEAR, in about a week. I can't even imagine how it'll be without her.... :(
And then there's my dad... well.. lets just say his drinking problem isn't getting any better.
My brother is full on ignoring him now, my sister is being more stern with him and isn't letting him drink around us. (she even poured out all his alcohol during out last visit) And I've finally told him that I won't come over if he's drunk...no exceptions.
It probably seems like we're ganging up on him, but we're not really meaning to. We just all realize that things aren't going to be the same anymore. My sister is about to leave, and she wants happy memories with her father, not this drunken asshole. My brother is through making excuses for him and has finally given up on him. And I just want to see my dad again. It's really that simple. I fucking hate the man he is when he's drunk. That man is not the father I love. He is a racist, sexist, complete fucking idiot. I will be leaving in a few years too, and I want to see my REAL father more before that happens.

On other random news:
One of my ex's asked me out again, though I seriously don't think I'm going to take him back, I think I should at least give him a chance to redeem himself. (So we're going on a sort of "Practice date")
Another one of my ex's and dear friends is about to move out of state...
I'm meeting some new fun people through youth media project :)
Band camp starts on the third! Yay.

That's all for today.
How are all of you?


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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

New Poem.
Deep Blue.

The crying blue sky kissed the deep blue mountain.
The rich green of the grass shines in its light.
The deep, deep blue sings a song.
Both of happiness, and depression.
It sings on days in which you willed everything to end,
and on days that you wish would last forever.
This deep blue mixture of mountains and clouds draws you in.
If you allowed it,
you would be completely eclipsed.
"But that would be okay.."
You whisper to your lonely shadow, that the sun had let out just enough light to cast.
But then, your hit with a cold drop of reality.
And wake up, look up, and stare up,
at the sky,
the very sky you wish would never end,
the very sky you willed to end.
Your eyes wonder around, and you see a light that had gone unnoticed.
A single shinning sunflower.
Beckoning you to join it on the other side of a sharp, gray, bobbed-wire fence.
You contemplate joining it,
imagine carefully weaving through the dangerous wires, you can imagine the incredible freedom that waits on the other side.
You realize that once you crossed the fence, you wouldn't be able to turn back.
For that freedom is tinted with imprisonment.
Still, you reach for the fence.
Then you realize,
the bobbed-wire fence was made of love.
Made of the love your friends and family hold for you.
You look close and see that the wire is their in-tangled hopes and dreams for your future.
The wooden posts holding them up is made of their anger and sadness that you had thought such a thought.
I love the deep blue beyond me,
but alas, I cannot pass this fence.
I cannot cross out and ignore them,
so I just sat, and watched.
As the crying blue sky kissed the
deep
blue
mountains.


(here's the picture I was thinking of as I wrote this poem)


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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Driving!
Wah! I'm so happy!
Today's been a good day in general.
First I hung out with some of my friends at the mall and got back the pictures from prom (which are amazing!) Then I came back to twili-chan's and we had stake for dinner. Then we went on a drive and Twili-chan let me drive!!!
I drove like complete crap but sense it was my first time driving I have an excuse! lol
It was sooo much fun!!!
And now we're back at her house playing Mario Kart and eating snacks.
And tomorrow we're going to see Harry Potter with Devin and Nic!

Oh yeah! And also today I found out what I want to be!!! I want to be a voice actress! Now I have a goal to work towards :D Yayyy

So that's my day,
How was your's?


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Monday, July 13, 2009

Well...
Sense I have nothing to talk about,
Here's this funny video!


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Friday, July 10, 2009

Give a girl too much time to think...
Give a girl too much time to think and everything will either get ten times better,
Or get a hundred times worse.
Somehow I always find a way to make things seem worse for me.
I create problems within myself,
Grab a knife and slowly start slicing the thin tread I’m hanging by.
Why do I do this type of thing to myself?

I wanted to be loved.
The reason I act like someone I’m not is because I know that it’s who everyone wants me to be.
If people saw how I act when I’m alone compared to how I act around them,
Would I be abandoned?
Just the thought scares me.
I don’t want to be alone.
It’s scary.
I scare myself when I have no one to pretend for.

I hate being corny,
Saying things that I know people want to hear.
I hate it,
Because I know one day it won’t be true anymore.

I know that I say a lot of things that I don’t mean.
For example,
I will claim that I fall on ice,
But in reality I am very careful on ice, and I have good balance most of the time so I don’t fall even when I’m not careful.
I also will say that I don’t understand something,
I never raise my hand in class,
Try to dull down my intelligence.
But it’s obvious when I have a high B and still ask for extra credit.
I’m not okay with B’s.
I won’t get attention if I don’t make it through high school with all A’s.
I won’t get attention if I don’t “try”
Even if it’s not something I actually care about,
I do it anyways.

I do things for other people only because I know it’s improves their image of me
When I read what the teachers said about me in the recommendation for the simion scholarship I laughed and smiled.
Their image of me was exactly what I wanted it to be.
I honestly think dating is stupid.
I could never trust someone enough to actually let them fully know me,
And I know that love isn’t real.
I like to publically show affection simply because then I know what’s happening.
It’s just another show.
But when we’re alone,
Face to face,
I don’t like it.
It seems pointless when there aren’t people watching.
Dating is so stupid.
Really.
I don’t understand couples that make it last.
Why do they keep the act going that long?
Why stay once you’ve had a fight?
Or have a problem in the relationship?
I don’t like to do more than I necessarily have to.
I feel like a fool if I do.
It’s stupid really.
I really do get depressed sometimes,
But I always know that I can pull myself up if I want to.
But of course I end up wanting to wait for a prince to come and save me.
“I’m not that weak” I want to say when someone tries to help me.
But of course I keep that inside,
Since they only came to save me because I gave the impression that I needed saving.
I’m a lot stronger than I look.
But I still try to cause the lease amount of conflict as possible.
When someone says something that’s incredibly stupid and insulting,
I laugh.
Rather than insult them back.
I would never allow someone to know my weaknesses.
I hide them.
If I saw a boyfriend cheating on me,
I wouldn’t say anything, and would break up with them soon after without explanation.
If my girlfriend or boyfriend flirted with someone else in front of me,
I would pretend not to notice.
Even though I actually am screaming for attention.
I hurt myself,
Because I want someone to notice that I am sad.
I laugh,
Because I want to be noticed for being happy.
There are only a few people…
Who even know a bit about me.

No, the others have noticed by now,
Maybe they just haven’t told me they know.
Like the day I was wearing a shirt with a hole in it.
I was laughing as I told Nic that I found it amusing no one had noticed the hole all day,
And he said “I noticed I just didn’t say anything”
Could they have noticed?
How could they notice these things before I did?
Then again that seems to happen a lot with me.
I’ll spend too much time noticing the things around me that I won’t notice the things about myself until far too late.
But every now and then,
I’m given too much time to think.
And I either make things seem ten times better,
Or a hundred times worse.




(This used to be a LOT longer, but I cut out the really personal stuff.)
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Monday, July 6, 2009

True feelings
Have you ever seen me cry?
Heard my words, and hear my pain?

Today, I realize those aren't even the start of it..
Those feelings were true, yes,
but they were just at the surface.

No one had seen the tears that had cut straight from my past. No, because not even I had remembered them.

True sadness, the kind that makes it so you can't even stand, that you crumble to the floor completely helpless and alone.
True fear, the kind that makes you tremble so hard you can't even see straight, the kind that only sends one single to your brain: Run Away.
True Hate, the kind that makes you want to tear open every scar on a persons heart before you leave them forever. Knowing you will NEVER forgive them.

These are the feelings that I somehow blocked.
So that even if I remembered my past,
I wouldn't remember the pain and fear.
So that I could somehow forgive the woman who caused every scar and every fear that I currently carry.
These feelings that just by hearing this woman scream at us again, returned. Even though the words weren't nearly as painful, that voice brought back the memory of the scars she left, and unleashed those feelings from deep inside.

Somehow, I have hold on those feelings again.
They're back in the small box, with the lid securely fastened.

But now that I've been reminded of that dark ocean. I'm so scared to be swallowed up in them again, so scared for the next time that I drown...

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On and on.
It's pretty sad how quickly someone can be forgotten.
Tangled up in life's thorns,
Wanting to be more.
To be important,
to be missed,
is that too much to ask for?
I suppose so,
Humans move on,
carry on,
Fight on
and forget.
Forget and regret the past ever more.
So why can't I do the same?
Why do I linger, and push the blame?
I'm stronger now, I say over and over.
But repetition does not make truth in words.
It's over,
the past is the past.
And the future still lasts,
So cherish happiness,
When you're sad, let it out.
Don't lie to yourself and the world,
just say it, those three words.
That linger in your thoughts,
And scream from your heart.
Who cares how often you get hurt,
stay true to yourself,
and your work.
Don't change into something your not,
just because so and so says it's hot.
Honesty is the name of the game,
so straighten up, Move on when ready.
Just breath in and out, become steady.
Stand tall and strong,
and walk forward, on and on.


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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

16th birthday~
Hello all! Guess what?
Today is my 16th birthday. ^_^

Yay :)



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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Sorry
ha ha ha. I really haven't been posting much here anymore, huh? Sorry about that. I just don't really have much to talk about. :P
I'm spending most of my time either at my house or with friends. I'm making an effort to see everyone more this summer, instead of staying at home all the time doing nothing like I always have before.
Anyways, i don't remember if I mentioned this or not, but after only one year on the Tenor Saxophone, I've been appointed as Co-Section leader of the Reed family in band. Woot, woot!

Some bad things have been happening too, but of course that's normal. I don't see a point in talking about it though :P Sense that won't help the situation.

Um, oh yeah! I got a new phone ^_^
And my sister is going to be going to Finland to study abroad in a few months.
My brother is thinking about switching colleges to one that's farther away soon too, and of course my other sister is married and living her life :)
So pretty soon it's just going to be me and my mom... crazy...

Anyways, I've realized recently that things won't always be the way that they are now. So I should just enjoy everything as much as I can now, before everything changes.

For the few (if any) people who read this,
How are you?



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