"Spread your broken wings and fly"
Friday, August 13, 2010
La la la~~~
Hey everyone! How are you? :)
Friday, July 16, 2010
And the days roll on...
You don't have to read all of this, It's just me writing down my rambling thoughts...
Not really sure why,
but recently it just seems like life is rather boring. The things I used to enjoy.... no maybe I still enjoy them... I can't tell anymore. They don't make me happy like they used to.
It seems that with music, I'm always stressing out about something. I can't play or sing the music and just enjoy it or use it as a way to vent my stress, it's too mechanical these days...
Maybe that's my problem, because I don't know what I enjoy and what I don't, I don't know how to vent my stress, so it just gets bottled up, more and more, until I become completely numb.
Maybe the "Whys" behind the actions of the world just don't matter.
....maybe I should just let them be...
I know that I shouldn't burden you with this confusion too, but I realized today that writing really feels nice... and to write on myOtaku.... it brings back some wonderful memories of a more naive me. It makes me happy in a way. Even if it ended up being painful, it was fun.
I know again, that you probably don't know what I'm talking about, and that's okay.
After all, to me this site has turned into a place where I can say the things I normally can't even think.
I know I could bring this elsewhere, to somewhere that only involves blogs or something, but the people on myOtaku are usually so nice and accepting, I really don't think I could find that kind of audience anywhere else.
I realized recently that I always need to love something, even though most of the time that love is not returned, the need to love is still there.
So I hold on to the love I feel for someone (something, somewhere, it doesn't really matter. As long as I can love) until I find something else that I can place my attention on.
Honestly, it's very foolish.
And sometimes very painful.
But just because I realized it doesn't mean that I can stop it. That's just the way things are.
I thought for a little bit that with age I would gain wisdom and happiness, but when I look back on my old entries or my old self in general, I realize that I haven't changed at all. I am still the person I was before, even if some small changes have occurred, I still am the same overall person.
honestly, the main thing I face now is deciding whether or not that's a good thing. Deciding if I should change or not...
But then who would I be changing for?
Someone else? Or myself?
I thought that I had changed for myself before, but I ended up changing to try to appeal to others more.
Maybe I'm still that childish.
But then, isn't it okay to be a child?
Seeing as I didn't really get a chance to be one,
I was forced to face how cruel that world is at a very unfair age. So then... couldn't I act naive now?
Man, I don't even know what I'm writing anymore.
Still I will write.
It feels so nice to just write.
Why don't I feel happy much anymore?
There was one person.
One person who came to me when I was at a very dark time in my life, and when I was completely numb, he made me feel.
He made me happy, he made me sad, jealous, excited... he made me feel hopeful.
But... he never really cared about me that way..
And I think that knowing that if I told him this he probably wouldn't care is one of the most painful things...
No, not painful.
It makes me feel numb again.
I keep telling myself over and over that my life does not revolve around a single person; that I can be happy without him. But it's always a struggle.
Only when I'm with him is it easy to smile and be happy.
It's so different from everything else I've felt before.
And so, I'm mad at life again.
Because it keep putting someone in front of me, makes me want them, but also makes it so I will never have them.
It's happened so many times already...
I'm getting so sick of this...
But every time I think that, I become numb.
....and honestly, isn't that the worst feeling out there?
Thanks if you did read this far.
Have a nice night. (or day, depending on where and when you read this.)
Friday, July 2, 2010
I can't believe I've been gone so long.
I actually almost forgot how to make a post. xD
Oh man, that's sad.
Anyways, thanks to the people who commented!
I didn't expect that and it was a nice surprise :)
Things in my life are going well,
I'm now 17, and I have accepted the things around me to the point where I'd almost say I love life.
The boy that I liked has moved out of state, sadly. Even if he didn't like me that way, we ended up becoming pretty close friends so it really hurt for him to leave. Still, I talk to him pretty much everyday and things are going well.
And... well, I guess that's it, honestly.
I feel like there's a lot more about me that I should somehow communicate to you, but for some reason that doesn't really seem possible in words.
Anyways, thanks for reading,
have a nice day :)
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Soooo, for those of you still watching at home..
here's a little update with my life:
I confessed to the guy I like (it was the first time I did it in person so I'm extremely proud of myself.) Unfortunately he didn't feel the same way.
I got my bottom two wisdom teeth removed today. (Not the most pleasant thing in the world)
It turns out that some of my "friends" did things with the guy I liked a few days after I confessed to him even though they all knew how I felt about him. (And they had the nerve to look me in the eyes afterword.)
I'm almost done with Junior year and will be a Senior next year :)
I am almost 17, just 2 more months.
Things are getting pretty hard to handle but I'm doing okay. I know they will get better soon, either that or I'll get stronger and will be able to handle them soon.
I am actually doing okay, considering. I mean, I could be doing a lot worse. At least I am not numb again, and I still have some hope for the guy I like. Though because of recent events I can hardly look him in the eyes or talk to him, I think hopefully we'll be able to be friends again. It's just he's not on my good side right now and he just isn't quite who I thought he was.
I donno though, we'll see what happens.
I guess that's it for now.
How are you doing, my fellow ghost-town dwellers? (aka myO users)
Monday, February 15, 2010
I was bored and so I thought "Hey I haven't made a post in a while!" So here I am :P