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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

   Pros and Cons of my bro going back to university.
You see, he goes to a university an hour away from home, so he doesn't live at home (like me... my university is just the next city over--like a ten-minute drive between towns, and a thirty or forty minute drive to campus from my house. (it's longer for me since I usually take the bus, though. but that's okay. really...) However, my big bro lives at home during the holidays and summer, as well as coming home the odd weekend.

There are both good things and bad things about him being gone.


I have to do way more housework. I have this phobia of housework. It's so not even funny.

He takes all the fun computer games with him, which is okay, because they're *his* after all... but it still sucks.

My mother and I are both mentally ill and bounce off of each other something fierce, whether it be depression, irritation, anger... whatever. My bro is a VERY good buffer--and he likes spending more time with her than I do.

He doesn't get irritated when my mouth refuses to shut and I yack him to death. And he doesn't just tolerate it... he LISTENS to me and responds, even if I'm just rambling. I swear, he's the best bro on the planet!

He's funnier than our mom. She's funny, too... but she's usually in a bad mood. Understandably.

He takes the dvd player that we put downstairs with him. Yeah, I understand. We have a dvd player upstairs, too. But it's so enmeshed with the VAST amount of electronics in the family room that I can't take it downstairs. And I can't take the computer upstairs. Therefore I am sadly without a dvd player. Do you have ANY idea how much that limits what I can watch?! I NEED to have something on! The silence makes me twitchy! It does! Actually, I'm bipolar, I get twitchy at one hell of a lot of things...

I can walk around with less modest clothing when it's hot, seeing as it's only me and my mom. I don't wear anything too revealing, but I have to be oh-so-careful about what I wear when my bro's around.

He can't hog the computer. Even though it's me that usually does that, when he's gone I have NO competition. Ah, my precious computer... which I hug a lot... seriously. AND I call it 'my precious'. Yes I know I sound cheesily like Gollum. Let's pretend I don't, shall we?

He can't interrupt me when I'm concentrating. I feel bad not listening and responding, but it's hard when I'm writing or reading fanfic! I have enough trouble concentrating, thank you very much. It takes an average of three readings of a sentence before something sinks in.

He can't play the SNES StarFox game. The sounds on that make me want to kill the damn thing.

I can watch any movie I want as many times as I want since my mom's almost ALWAYS, as in like 99.9999999% upstairs and he's not there to say "not Lion King AGAIN!" (I only watch Disney cartoon movies for the music! I swear! ... I DO!)

He doesn't drink my Pepsi (okay, so it's everyone's, but I'm used to monopolising it. My mom doesn't like it and my bro can stand Coke (I can't *shudder*) so I want him to drink that.) Oh, Pepsi... my precious... (really, I call it that. along with my computer. I can't decide which is more precious. I can't live without either.)

That's all I can think of. So you see my dilemma... oh well. That's life. It's the ninth semester he hasn't been here. We get over these things.

Not that I'm getting over my mental breakdown any time soon... damn.

How's everyone?!

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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

   RPGs and the Philisophical Truths that Come from Them
I've been on a Star Wars kick along with Inuyasha lately. (I think it's because of Revenge of the Sith coming out.) I've been playing this rocking RPG called Knights of the Old Republic (have you heard of it? played it?) that my brother got last Christmas. I feel like talking about it partly because I've been mired in it so deeply, and partly because every time I go to the bookstore anymore all I read is Fruits Basket, and in the author's sidebars and sometimes in the Omaku(?) Theatre thing, she talks a lot about video games, which got my own wheels turning about the specifics of RPGs. But in this game, I, rather predictably, used the name 'Aliryn' for my character--I made it up, remember. It is from no language, real or made up, and means nothing and no one in the universe except one thing: me. So, basically, it's a matter of course that I use it as a screenname and for video game characters. The game is sad at parts, though. [be warned: spoilers for the storyline] I worked so hard to help a bunch of different people on Taris, the first planet that you have to work through, and the Sith bombed the whole thing into oblivion right after I left T_T I was so sad. Not because of wasted effort, but because things were finally getting so much better for so many people, but they all died right after I helped them. Oh, and then, at some point, one of the Jedi in your party (you eventually have nine characters in your group that go around with you, and you can pick up to two of them to have with you as you play the game (not the same two for the whole game--just until you change your party configuration)),Bastila, is captured--well, all ten of you are captured, but she stays back to hold the Biggest Bad Guy of the Game (Darth Malak) off so the rest of you can escape... and he, being the Sith Master, ends up turning her to the Dark Side T_T I really almost did cry then T_T I came SO CLOSE to crying T_T And that means something, 'cuz I don't cry easy. I kept getting hunches about what was going to happen in the storyline, and lemme tell you, there's plenty of times I felt a deep sense of dread that played out T_T like when Bastila turned to the Dark Side. The first time I played it through, I tried to reason with her when I was heading toward the Big Bad Battle at the End with Malak, but she wouldn't listen and I had to kill her... T_T ...and I sat there for like ten minutes staring at the screen with my hand on it in a silent plea for it to not be true... T_T ...but then I tell this to my brother, who already played it through once, and he was like "I convinced her to turn back to the Light Side." ...I almost strangled him. T_T I didn't say anything horrible to her, but maybe I didn't say the exact thing she needed to hear. You have choices of several things to say during conversations, and I apparently picked wrong... T_T ...and it may be insane, but I missed the old, good Bastila... her quiet, encouraging voice... I loved her voice, but it hurt to hear it filled with malice and hate... her kind eyes... now filled with rage and the lust for power... T_T ...I really did almost cry. Seriously. And after I was trying to do the big final battle with Malak... the Boss of the Whole Game thing... and I kept being so sad. I missed everyone else in my party, 'cuz I had to fight Bastila and Malak on my own, you see. I missed them all. It's kind of pathetic, missing fake characters, but it's the same as when a character dies in a movie or book (I really DID cry when I saw Revenge of the Sith T_T I haven't been able to go see it again; my mom hasn't, either. My poor brother. We had to drop him at the theater to watch it all alone.) ...but the difference is... they were people who responded and knew and liked me, personally. Sure, you have to choose from a limited number of things you can do and say, but every little thing shapes your character and everyone's reaction to her (or him. I can't find it in me to play a guy >_<). The one in the party besides Bastila that I really, really liked was Carth, a Republic soldier. I generally hate the soldier type, but Carth... I really, really liked him. Frankly, I liked all nine of the people in my party... in their own special ways, I suppose I actually love them all. It's nothing new; like I said, I've felt that a lot with characters in books and movies, especially the huge series that you get to know the characters so much that it's ridiculous (like Star Wars... there's got to be over a hundred books... literally... and I have almost all of them -_-;); but like I also said, they responded and liked the person I shaped my character to become, which was very much like my own personality, or at least I hope that's what I would have done if I really lived it. But... it... it's crazy... but at one point, it turns out your character was actually Revan, who used to be Malakís master, the Sith Master, and led the Sith conquest of the galaxy, only don't remember because you almost died and your mind and memories and personality were mostly gone because of your near-death, but the Jedi donít believe in killing prisoners --you barely survived--and the Jedi put a different personality in your mind that wasnít so dark--completely different personality this time around Of course, your actions as you play the game control whether you fall back to the Dark Side in spite of what the Jedi tried to do--give you another chance to do things right this time around--or whether you take advantage of that chance to help stop the Sith and help all the people you come across. Now, you can talk to your party members about it individually for their reactions to who you used to be--and what Carth said is what really hit me. He said, "I've been trying to hate you--I really have. I've been trying to blame you for the destruction of my homeworld and the death of my wife and for my son getting lost so that I didn't hear of him for years, but I can't. You're a completely different person from who I imagined Revan to be. You've done so much to help us--you've been doing so many things right, that I just... can't. I can't blame you for any of that. I can't help but trust you, and I'm going to stick by your side through the rest of this mess. You're not Revan anymore--that's clear. You're Aliryn, not Revan. I'm with you 'til the end." (Or something like that.) I almost cried again T_T but out of being so touched. You see, you can go either to the light side or the dark side in this game; there are a thousand tiny things for you to say or do that shape which way you go. I used to like to think of myself as tough and independent and cynical of everyone, but as the game went on, I could never say really bad things to anyone, or refuse to help them--I couldn't help but give everyone everything I could. And that's why I love those people, I think; it's really me that they trusted and stayed by my side--not one person left when they found out about my past. One was a bit angry, but she had gone to the dark side for a bit herself, and came to view me as an inspiration--she said that she would always look to my example and know that she could resist the darkness. That, too, touched me. Some said "you're obviously not like that anymore. I'm okay with it," like it was nothing to them. One said he already knew (heh, that crazy old man, Jolee Bindo. The only funnier character in your party is that droid... G-something...) and didn't care; he joined me, even knowing the truth, wanting to see how my destiny played out and what choices I would make. One guy was like "the person you were bested my people in battle, and I have the utmost respect for you". I can't remember all of them, but the Wookie was like "I swore a life debt to Aliryn, and that's who I see before me. I will keep honoring that debt." Altogether, it was... exhilarating. I talked to them in order from those who were darker in personality toward lighter, and ended with Carth; I was getting more touched each time I spoke to someone, and by the time I heard Carth's speech, I really did almost cry. I did. I almost cried. Even though the character I played never would have done the things Revan did, had been controlling her from before the whole thing started, it didn't matter; I suppose everyone is vulnerable to the Dark Side, just like everyone kept telling me. It's the same in real life, you know. Anyone is capable of doing abominable things; it is one's strength of character that determines just how bad your slip-ups are. They said my character originally fell because I was too eager to learn too quickly--and that is very much something I might actually do. For real. When I'm not horribly depressed, I'm completely fascinated by so many things, even learning--depending on the topic, of course. (I could never get excited about politics or economics. XP) But if I was put in Jedi training, I'd be so eager... sheesh, listen to me. Maybe itís insane to take a game so seriously, but one thing I believe very deeply is that you can learn from anything and everything. Even if itís just to know what not to do. You know, what the characters told me means even more, because some of the people I know online (including some of you), who I've told some of the troubles in my life, insist that I'm not weak like I always thought I was--they said I seemed strong to put up with it all, even if I've done things like abandon my schoolwork, because I had so much to deal with in the first place--and then my shrink starts telling me the same thing. Especially today--I just got out of his office a few hours ago, and just as I was leaving, he was telling me how resilient I seemed to him. And strong, like I'd been told. And courageous. He even told me that he saw me as an inspiration--as, in a particular way, a hero. I almost fell through the floor. I decided to believe him, though, seeing as he wasn't the first to tell me I wasn't weak. Not that I've got a swelled head now; just because that in particular isn't one of my faults, I have plenty of others. But... it's... altogether, it's overwhelming; and, trust me, it's been a long, long time since I've been overwhelmed in a good way. Months, at least; very possibly years. I'm playing the game through again; I never beat the old one--I was having trouble with the boss; plus I didn't have the heart to continue the one with Bastila dead if I could do it again and have her turn back to the Light, like my brother said he did. (Speaking of my brother, the face he picked for his character is weird... it's totally against my personal tastes. Almost weirds me out in a not-good way. I could never make sense of my brother, though--well, he makes sense... but... his choices and reasons are all so different from the ones I have and make. Ugh...) But the whole game is so wonderful... my cousin got the second one for X-box, but I don't think that's out for computer. The first one isn't even out on GameCube. (Damn the video game companies and their prejudices against Nintendo.) But... I still love the first one. I'll probably play it through a thousand times before I get completely bored with it. Even though I'll still make the same decisions every time. Even though I'll still use the same face every time, simply because none of the others feel right. I follow my gut so much. If I do something that just doesn't feel right, it drives me crazy until I fix it. If I can. If I can't, I run away, or pretend it didn't happen. (Which is why I always thought I was weak. I always give in when it gets to be too much--but, like the shrink and others said, I suppose sometimes it really is too much, and giving in isn't weakness--it's surviving.) Eh... I'm so weird. I think it's because I'm crazy in too many ways. I'm crazy because of my mental disease; I'm crazy in the way the students in my high school were, in all its random glory; I'm crazy the way all of us fandom addicts are; I'm crazy the way I can't help but analyze every little thing I encounter philisophically, trying to make sense of it all according to my beliefs, even though such deep thought and introspection bring me a lot of emotional and spiritual pain... in short, if there is a way to be crazy, I'm probably it. So, even my brother is a *bit* crazy in the random and fandom aspects, and my mother somewhat crazy in the fandom and mental disease aspects, and my one friend is pretty crazy in the random and philisophical aspects, none of them completely understand me. It's rather sad, but I really don't mind. I've never met one person who understood me fully. I dream of meeting someone who does, someday; but I doubt that particular someday will never come, and that's something I can deal with without much trouble. The small tings, like the things some online friends and my shrink say, and the things the RPG characters say to me, are what make everything worth living. Besides my religion/philosophy. It's the way, even though so many things in both the real world and these made-up universes go so terribly wrong, and so many achingly evil things happen, there are still good things, things of light and hope and love, things that make it through the dark times and are never fully extinguished. Oh, and you want to know another thing in the game that made me feel wonderful? It was the second time I went through the game--I was in a lodge on Tatooine, and this slimy guy that absolutely gave me the creeps was hitting on me--and I must not have had Carth with me the first time, though I usually had him with me--but all of a sudden, out of nowhere--I didn't expect it at all--Carth explodes at the guy about keeping his teeth instead of getting them punched in if he didn't treat me with respect... I felt... I was awed is the only way to say it. Also full of incredible joy. No one has ever stood up for me in real life, you see--I've never been hit on, either (much), but I got teased a lot; and I don't know if other girls feel this, but I have this longing for a male protector in my life, something I never had in the most critical times of my life when it would have made me feel so much better, since my dad died. My older brother was never the kind of person to fill that role. It's kind of sad. Two of my best friends in high school were brother and sister, and I was always so touched how they looked out for each other. Whenever my brother and I were in the same school, he avoided me like the plague. But my friends would sit together in class or at lunch a lot, and talk to each other, and help them when they needed it. Suffice to say it was something I sorely missed. And before you wonder why I didn't have a boyfriend, I'll tell you--that is exactly why I didn't have one. That would have become to much of a burden to whoever-he-was, and completely unfair; I have some issues, and I refuse to lay them on someone else until and unless they are dealt with. But back to what Carth did--I had to pause the game for a few minutes after that conversation and just sit there... in silent awe and a deep joy... it was... amazing. I mean, I hardly ever feel emotions strongly enough to have a physical feeling accompany them; but a deep, electric thrill went through my whole body when he did that, and my heart jumped hard. It was... indescribable. I tell you, it was far more than worth all the trouble I had to go through tinkering with my computer's settings and hardware to make the game work. It has been a source of both horror and sorrow and love and joy and excitement and... so many things to me. It's been a long time since that has happened to me. I usually get something of that from books and movies and etc., but after I read or watch one particular thing so many times, the deep thrill doesn't course through me anymore, although I still definitely have such emotions still. Like The Lord of the Rings (book and movies), and Star Wars, and Inuyasha, and Fruits Basket, and even Legend of Zelda games, though they're less developed in the storyline area. There's just something about them all... I know what it is, too. It's 'that indescribable something' as C.S. Lewis wrote in his essay The Weight of Glory--the one writing that, in conjunction with all of the books I've read and movies I've watched and games I've played, changed my life. Altogether, it's why I live, why I get up in the morning, why I don't just give up on the entire universe. It's a wonderful thing.
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Thursday, June 2, 2005

The shrink told me something... odd... today. We were talking about how, biochemically, mental illness can drain you of every bit of emotional, physical, etc energy, and he sad that I've adapted to the constant struggle to just exist. I asked him, "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" and he told me, "Well, it shows your resiliency."
Now THAT was interesting. No one's ever called me "resilient" before... I always thought I was weak... I give into so many impulses to just fool around and forget my problems and not do schoolwork and such, but he said... that... I probably shouldn't even be trying to take a summer class. Though I have to, so I am... not that I GO to class... but I have to take a class to get health insurance with the university... so I'm sorta stuck. Without insurance I couldn't go to the doctor or the shrink, and then I'd be even WORSE off... but my shrink told me that all this stuff that I thought was weakness on my part is just biochemical; he said expecting someone with problems like that to function normally is like telling someone without legs to run a race. He actually said that. Wow... hn... anyways, I'm going into the doctor to discuss medicine that will hopefully help with the screwy chemicals in this half-broken brain of mine...

Not that you cared about any of that; sorry for rambling, but I just felt like saying it somewhere...

Oh, and yes, Nikorasu, reading translations isn't as fun because you don't have the pretty pictures... BUT I know what happens sooner than anyone else!! Plus, the guy who does the translations usually scans at least a page or two of each chapter in. Hahahahahaha! *aHEM* Sorry... bipolar...

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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I was reading the latest Inuyasha manga translation... and... something happened...! Drumroll please...

...TOKIJIN BROKE!!! *cries*...

...oh well. Sesshoumaru just said he'd get a new one... didn't even try to fix it... guess he decided it wasn't good enough for him if it broke. But just to make sure you heard...


Anyways here's the link again!

online Inuyasha manga translations

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Monday, April 25, 2005

Okay, this is SO COOL! The Inuyasha manga in Japan is quite a bit further than the anime in Japan, which is quite a bit further than the American anime... and I found this site that has all of the Japanese manga translations as they come out! Meaning, every week, a new chapter comes up! Days or even hours after it's first released in Japan! How much does that rock?! Right now they're on manga... like... 41 or 42 as far as volume goes... there's over 400 chapters... and apparently Takahashi-sensei is planning to have at least 500 chapters before the series ends... that's from an official source! Okay, so ANYWAY, what I'm so excited about right now is the chapter that was posted yesterday... I think it was yesterday... whatever. Anyway... it's so great... 'cuz we all know how Sesshoumaru acts completely emotionless... and I personally like fanfics where he starts to show a bit of feeling... but anyway... if you want to see him actually get mad... he doesn't actually *show* it like a normal person... but he attacks a souped-up Naraku detatchment with unbelievable fury after it says a certain something... bwahaha... I will not ruin it for you, but I'll give you the link to the site! It's so great! Like I said, the only clue to his emotion is the ferocity of his attack... but it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside for some reason! Haha! Anyway, here's the link!

online Inuyasha manga translations

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Friday, April 22, 2005

Okay, ya I've still got problems, but I just got back from my appointment at the university counseling center and 1) I'm pretty sure going there is gonna help me a LOT and 2) I can get special consideration for my grades because of my mental health issues! WOHOO! Meaning I might not get kicked out of my house, after all! YES! Maybe I'll even start feeling semi-competent and such! WOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
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Monday, April 18, 2005

Well, *this* is... um...

Hell, there're no words.

So my mother found out I've been slacking in my classes... which is because my depression consumes me when I try to deal with the real world... I get nice and hyper when I distract myself... so I've not gone to class or ANYTHING since like two weeks before spring break... so she almost kicked me out of the house again... which I probably deserve... but she's giving me ONE more chance, but I have to go to the university counseling center... I just made an appointment, but... this means all those dumb old emotional/mental woulds have to be reopened before they can heal right... crap. Crap crap crap crap crap.

Oh, well.

I'm still not doing my homework or going to class, though I'm still telling my mother otherwise... I just... can't. I can't. I'm hoping the counseling center can do something... kind of like a doctor's note... if my problems actually count as a breakdown, they can maybe keep my grades this semester from flunking me out of school... like, I dunno, just neutralize this semester, or something... I dunno. But I better hope cuz there's no way I can make up the work before the end of the semester... even if I were emotionally capable.

Oh, well.

I'm off to ignore the real world again... I just can't deal with it. Call me a lazy bitch who makes up excuses if you want... but I just can't. When you have mental illness, it's really a disease... *sigh*... I need to leave before I make my mental state worse again...

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Friday, April 15, 2005

...can you tell...? Hehehee...

Please go read my fanfic: Naraku, You Moron... Some changes haven't shown up yet 'cuz the site is as slow as hell, but they were *mostly* formatting changes. And leave a review on it if you can! I'd appreciate it!

Ya, I have this HORRID migraine cuz yesterday I was here in the university library and the fire alarms went off... now there's one like every five feet and they're SO LOUD and these ones FLASH like a freaking strobe light! So I went to bed early and got like 15 hours of sleep... and STILL slept through my alarm! Tell me, exactly HOW does that work?! Oh, well.

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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Okay, I'm going NUTS again!!! In a HYPER way! I guess it helps that I took extra antidepressants--don't worry, not NEAR enough to hurt me--and now I'm drinking a HUGE can of energy drink... bwahaha...

I'm so happy!

I dunno why!

Of course about half the time I feel like killing myself... but don't worry, I won't. Some part of me keeps internally whacking the rest of me upside the head and yelling "baka! Just WAIT for it! Something you'll be glad you lived for will happen! I just KNOW it!!!" And I've regretted every time I didn't listen to my instincts. Whenever they have a game where you look under the cap of pop bottles and there's more than one button for Pepsi on the machine I can tell which one to push to get a winning piece. HAhaha!

Though I've felt like HELL most of the last few days... every muscle in my body was sore and aching and pulled because 1) I kept falling between my house and the bus stop last week and 2) it snowed last weekend, and it was really, really, REALLY wet, which means it was so f***ing heavy... I never would've made it if my brother hadn't been there to help. On top of my sore muscles, I was naseous most the time for no apparent reason, was violently PMSing, and had a super-bad migraine that almost convinced me that there was an army of elephants tap-dancing in my head... (I stole that phrase from somewhere... can't remember where I heard it, tho') I feel a *bit* better today, but... the extra meds and the energy drink are helping... I feel a *bit* less than completely BLAH...


I've still been doing the insane-fanfic-reading-obsession thingy... I'm writing, too... I've put up a one-shot that I find kinda funny, even though it has deathly se rious undertones... and I'm working on three--THREE--different multi-chapter stories at once. What can I say? I have the inspiration, so...

Here's a link to the one I've posted--but !!!!!!!DON'T!!!!!!! go to it 'til tomorrow because I made a few changes that probably won't show up 'til then! Naraku, You Moron... (that being the title of the fic... *snicker*)

See ya!

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Monday, April 4, 2005

   I've been out of some of my pills for days and am now in a really bad rut. However I ate like a pig over the weekend and won't die of starvation anytime soon. However I may get sick between the heat and my allergies. Yeckth. What a wimpy-ass winter we've had here.
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