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the only way to my heart is with an axe.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

i have to admit that i am a very sentimental person.

this doesn't exist solely in the realm of my daily life; seeing pictures of my grandfathers, smelling the right combination of cologne and cigarette smoke, being somewhere either one of them liked to be... those things make my heart ache. they bring tears to my eyes because i was able to hold it together for so long but now that it's been years and years i can't help but cry. hearing about things happening at my old high school, seeing former classmates getting married and have children... all of it makes me my heart ache because i remember them, us, as we were a little over five years ago. we were children ourselves then. it's hard for me to imagine that some would come so far in what seems like such a short time.

but as i said, this nostalgia doesn't end to real, tangible places and people who i can remember embracing once upon a time.

i've been revisiting a lot of websites that i used to visit a lot when i was in high school, even early college, and it's just bizarre for me to be there, sometimes.

for example, myspace. it's a dead site now, and to be honest i couldn't even log into my account anymore. i've forgotten what email and password i used for it but i can still remember it was a secret that i'd signed up for it, kept from my parents because social media wasn't even a word yet and i was only sixteen and there were a lot of terrible people out there waiting to hurt me. except there weren't, not there anyway. my friends were there, and people i wanted to be friends with. my favorite singers and bands were there and i could be friends with them, it just took a few clicks. it was so naive that it makes me laugh now. but it had been fun, it had been dramatic and heartbreaking to a teenage girl who had her feelings crushed more often than she had them reciprocated. but my life doesn't exist there anymore.

for example, gaia. when i had just started college, i was alone in a new city, away from a family i loved and depended on more than i was ready to admit. i found solace in communities where i wasn't afraid of rejection, of what others would say when i told them about the things i liked (anime, lame video games, d&d... nerdy stuff that i was sure no one except me and my friends back home were really into). i went back to one of the threads i frequented, one that heard all about my woes and angst and none of the names were familiar. i felt sad because it wasn't what it was anymore. everyone else had moved on and i don't know what happened to them; i cared about these people, but i don't know if they're alright or if life got the better of them. all i knew for certain was that my life didn't exist there anymore.

for example, here. myo. there are a lot of memories buried in the archive of this blog. a lot of teenage angst and a lot of heartache and triumph and friendships made and maybe a few broken too. and it makes me so sad to look back on it because this was my childhood and it's preserved forever but i can't go back to it, ever. i can relive everything but that doesn't make it the same. my life now is so much different than the life i lived then and the life i thought i was going to live. that's growing up, i know that, but it still hurts, somehow.

that's the curse of being sentimental. it'll haunt me until the day i die, and it'll be worse because i'm a child of the information age. my childhood, my young adulthood, all of it is going to archived for me in the wires and data of the internet for me to go back to over and over again, to imagine how it all way and feel that ache in my chest when i miss it too much.

because i will miss it much too much.

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