Saturday, February 22, 2014

   Hey
So the circle is now complete huh? I guess it suits me, to have ended where I am now. Either way! I still have to work hard to escape this and FINALLY be able to live my life to it's fullest. I guess I already know how to do it for the most part, now I just need enough time to develop everything I desire.

As for how I am now, how knows? I certainly don't, being just a blob rolling around.

At least I have music. The one thing that always brought me to my senses.
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Saturday, November 15, 2008

   And an enemy aproaches!
Should I crush it to dust? Should I smash his hopes into a pool of his own blood? Should I break his bones, one by one? So many choices, so little time...
Maybe I'll just what I always do, and make him comprehend that he is nothing compared to me. That I'm the best option there is, even with my faults. And do this from the top of my hat ^^
Yeah, he will hate me. I think they always do; the chance of him understanding how little he knows about everything is close to zero... But anyway, this kind of people deserve to suffer: having their shitty lifes, thinking they know what friendship is, believing that his common dreams will be fulfilled... I might not be the best person to do it, but if not, who will?
I have all the weapons I need with me. My mouse, my keyboard, and my mind. Even if this isn't enough, I have my body, my mouth, and every cell screaming for a chance to be useful.

The only thing is, there are still things I must do before taking any action. Will my presence be enough to change her feelings? Will my words make her heart warm? Will my scream reach out from my masks and land into her open arms?... Only future will tell, but I don't plan on crossing my arms maiting for it.

After all, I have that power. I still don't know if I have the willpower to use such explicit manipulation on someone. But there is a motivations, and a good reason, so I think I could use it as a final resource, to end things once and for all! But then again, I feel that if I use it, I could become addicted by the feeling of power and control over, well, anyone. Anyway, there are reasons for me to drop this subject, but i really have to say, from the bottom of my heart, that I don't want'em to happen. It's been too long since I had this urge to destroy and anihilate a being.

Oh yes, the anger. How can people like this still exist?! Anyway, I'm convinced that his pseudo-hapiness of ignorance will soon fade. I will take the light from his path, leave him into darkness, and laugh out loud. I know I'm capable of doing it, I already did something alike from so much less... I hope he gets prepared soon, because Gnuoy is coming, and he won't leave anything behind!

And I have to say, I love it! This rage, this anger that poisons my veins and makes me more of a brute than anything, those thoughts that bring me to see my enemy lying on the floor, bowing to my presence! How could they even want to defy me?! I could even have mercy on them, because they didn't know who they were messing with; but I don't want to. I want to break his hopes like thin bottles, and waste his thoughts. I'll have Anon at my side, because I am Anon. He fights blidly, and I know his weak spots. How far will I go to exploit'em? This just depends on how long he will stand. The more the heavier, and he shall know the meaning of despair, anger, hate, and ultimately leave the battlefield as a looser, but maybe stronger.


Hmm, I might have been a little selfcentric on my words here, but I just wanna store this moment for eternity, so I can remember it when my quest is complete ^^

So, time to go to bed now... Farewell to myself, and anyone who joins me on this quest. May C-chan rest calmly before the storm arives ^^
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Saturday, November 8, 2008

   Liar
This will be another post on my series of self-destruction, so please disregard some things I say here. Or don't, because even if I say so afterwards, my past is still real, even if I try to erase it.

Liar. It angers me how many people have fallen into my lies. I mean, I would guess'em to be a bit weaker, or people to be a little smarter. But no, they keep failing for everything I say to them. I'm such a manipulative bastard >_< How am I to play around with other people's feelings?! How am I to judge that they are better with my lies than the truth?! Even so I control them, lying at each possible occasion...
Sometimes I only wish for someone to go against me, to tell me that I'm wrong, to fight with me! But I think if something like that happened, I would just fight back or run away, because my pride wouldn't let me recognize that I lied.
One of the worst things too is masks. I hide inside my shells and use my lies to cover what I'm really feeling... Crap, even when I was with T-chan, I realised I didn't was to visit her anymore, and was hoping that she would notice and break up with me! Su true that when I received her email breaking up with me, I wasn't sad at all, the only thing that I wanted to know was why she broke up with me, being who I am (yes, I'm still an egocentric worm). And, too, when N-chan broke up with me, i was hoping she would be sad because she chose the other person! What kind of person I am?!
I feel bad about myself, even when I and N-chan were having a relationship I lied a lot... I personally don't think CY is interesting at all, and her drawings could have been much better if she just tried creating characters, instead of copying.
Even now, I just found out another otaku girl here (that I'll just call C-chan), I'm researching about her tastes and alikes so I can plan the best way to approach her, and manipulate her so she deppends on me... I'm really, really pitifull...

The sad thing is, I know I won't change. Even if I rant my ass of here, I'll still be doing this tomorrow, and the day after. Who now is the biggest hipocrate now I don't know...

But yes, I still have some reason inside me. In spite of saying such things, I fight myself to say the truth whenever I can. May it be in a blog like this, or in a diary, I write about it, maybe to protect my sanity. Like, most nights Ispend alone here in fornt of the computer, so I feel the urge to masturbate to some random l0li mangá or doujinshi; but I do have this problem, that whenever I masturbate thinking about this kind of things, I feel horrible afterwards. And yes, I tried stopping, but I don't have the guts nor energy to fight it back. Anyhow, when I don't and am feeling better, I usually go to sleep hugging my pillow and thinking about someone dear to me. D-tan and R-chan are good examples; and just for the record, I don't think anything perverted about them, I just have to feel like smeone is there for me, to make a bit of loneliness go away.

Another thing, that might not count as a lie, but shows how pitiful I am; When I and T-chan were together, we almost had sex more than once. I say almost because I didn't want to, so I never got condoms. Why? Because at the time I didn't like her as much, because I didn't feel ready for the responsabilities of it, and because I was afraid of it. Afraid wa spossibly the smallest reason, but indeed I was somewhat scared of losing my vinginity with her. I can't exactly figure out why, but I kinda value this small things; my first kiss was with her, on my anniversary of 19 years.
but then again, I'm a horrible person, so I guess that's what worms like me would do. And maybe they think that posting about it on a blog will make them feel better too; this would only mean that I don't know other people so terrible as me, that could at least pay me back in the same coin.

Nah, this post is filled with sparce ideas and thoughts. I wouldn't anyone to read it, but that tiny reason that I still have gives me an urge to send the link to everyone... Well, let's see what the future holds for this words, maybe they'lll be my salvation , maybe the'll be my doom. Either way, being the most sincere I can, sorry for anything that I made.

Very well then, 'till the next wave of anguish and despair, and good night.
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Monday, November 3, 2008

Apples could be better
The title of this post isn't anything other that it is; my though as I decided to write this. It's been a while since I ate some fruits, and when I do I get old ones... u.u

Anyhow, I feel I must give you an explanation. Writing in english isn't as easy as I first thought it to be, so this kinf of keeps me from posting more. Anyhow, I decided to keep all postings here in english for the time being.

And today, the main reason of me posting now: loneliness. It's really hard when I want to talk to someone, but there isn't anyone who I could talk to online. Yes, I could try doing it offline, but it sounds easier that it really is.
Of the few people that I used to talk, most of them or don't want to talk with me anymore(for various reasons) or they now have something better to do with their lifes...
T-chan still won't talk to me, but at this point I strongly feel I have nothing to talk to her anymore. I'm much better talking with D-tan for the time being, and if not getting in touch with her, having a good friend around is always good.
N-chan... it's complicated when I talk with her, most of the times she acts like she likes me, even though she doesn't answer when I want to talk something trivial with her. Humpf, I though I could cheer her up by remembering her that there were only 9 years now 'till we needed to meet, and she went to the point of putting '9 years' at her MSN's subnick, and throwing after it the sentence: A loving heart can never be worthless. I don't know.
R-chan is still studing for her exams I think, and it's been some time since we had a chance to talk for some time. I miss her so much... To the point where, if I could talk to her, I'm sure I wouldn't mind of being alone here right now. But even though I feel she feels like this about me too, I'm scared of losing touch with her; she doesn't know how many times I kept thinking about her when feeling depressed to get rid of all bad feelings, or how much I though of how I could hel when she sent me an email saying how she was sad... Anyway, I don't want to suffocate her, neither do I want her to forget about her life to talk to me; so for now I just wait 'till she has some free time so we can talk again ^^'

I guess some of this feeling of loneliness comes from having too much work at the university to do, and having nothing of interesting to do when I'm home. I mean, of course I can watch Sailor Moon Live Action, but my connection isn't fast enough for me to watch more than 1 or 2 per day.

Anyhow, it's time for me to try playing some zOMG!, Gaia's nem MMO. It's kinda fun, but again, since my connection isn't really fast I can only play when I'm the only one using the connection.

It was good writing again, even because having a MyOtaku account is only known by me as far as I know. Maybe I tell someone of this, maybe I don't ^^"
Cya!
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Saturday, November 1, 2008

   Weird days
Indeed, I would want to get this blog started with something more worthy, but most of the time I can't find the will to write nowadays. So I'll just try to post relevant things to my present self.

The last couple of days were terrible for me, my throat hurts like hell, and I had fever and such because of it. Yesterday I couldn't move when I was in my bed; my mind was too numb to answer anything, I might have hallucinated a bit when I was suposed to sleep too ._. But I had some medicine and slept for 12 hours, so when I woke up I was much better.

I also had good marks on my Programming Languages test, 7.5 when most people got 6.0. Just hope I have a good mark in Software Engineering too, that test was a hard one u.u

Right now I don't have many things to do in front of the computer, I'm thinking about getting another color cadridge for my printer, so I can print more papercrafts and become less bored ^^' 'Till then I'll just listen to podcasts and hope someone on MSN talks to me...
Oh, and don't forget the download of Sailor Moon Live Action and Monty Python Flying Circus.

So I think that's it, I hope I have the will to write more soon so I can explain some things that are happening to my life right now. Cya!
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