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Sunday, February 24, 2008

Fading Away Fader
Layout by: kaisap112

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.


Dear Ana:

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you all my earthly possessions.

I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog, I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me. All that's important is that you love me.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life, I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful as a payment for my undying love for you in this world.

I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Love Always, Fader.

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.

They always say that they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Thinner is the winner.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Pain is temporary; pride is forever.

Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-real butter
-cupcakes, muffins
-high-fat cookies
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-red meat

Medium food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-low-fat yoghurt
-low-fat milk
-low-cal soups
-tea (no milk, no sugar)
-coffee (black)

Status: 55.2 kg

Yes, a major slip. I won't eat anything for the rest of the day.

And tomorrow, as we have a winter vacation (one week) I'm going to start a fast. I have to. Punishment for going so low, and I really need it.

I can't start with a water-only fast (never go on a water-fast as your first fast, that way you'll crush your system since it's not used to fasts). I'll go with waterm, cucumber and non-fat yoghurt.
Not nearly enough, but I'll have to exercise more and more and eat less.

Speaking of eating, my friend (who has a history of sticking her finger down her throat to get the food out) has started watching my eating at school. Everytime she comes to the cafeteria, she always checks my tray (if I have one in front of me), and she does that everywhere. She's monitoring my every bite and drink!

Oh well. Last meeting with the counselor in two weeks. Then I won't have to see her. Great.

Stay strong! ♥

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