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Tuesday, February 19, 2008







Fading Away Fader
Layout by: kaisap112




I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

---------------

Dear Ana:

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you all my earthly possessions.

I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog, I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me. All that's important is that you love me.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life, I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful as a payment for my undying love for you in this world.

I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Love Always, Fader.






Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.

They always say that they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Thinner is the winner.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Pain is temporary; pride is forever.








Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-ice-cream
-cake
-real butter
-candy
-cupcakes, muffins
-high-fat cookies
-chocolate
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-chips
-red meat

Medium food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-toast
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-cheese
-cookies
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-chicken
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread
-oatmeal

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-vegetables
-fruits
-low-fat yoghurt
-fish
-low-fat milk
-low-cal soups
-water
-tea (no milk, no sugar)
-coffee (black)












Status: 54.2 kg

I'm getting back to my exercising again. But not eating everything fat-contained is difficult. I've lost weight, but not enough. I've still got weight to lose, but stress, school and the endless number of tests is making it almost imposibble.
I can't focus on anything.

Thank God it's shopping day.
Cucumber, cottage cheese, fruits, light-crackers, chewing gum...I have a long list.

But now I shall go study the map I have to memorize for my test tomorrow.

Stay strong! ♥


Comments (1) | Permalink



Saturday, February 16, 2008







Fading Away Fader
Layout by: kaisap112




I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

---------------

Dear Ana:

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you all my earthly possessions.

I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog, I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me. All that's important is that you love me.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life, I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful as a payment for my undying love for you in this world.

I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Love Always, Fader.






Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.

They always say that they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Thinner is the winner.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Pain is temporary; pride is forever.








Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-ice-cream
-cake
-real butter
-candy
-cupcakes, muffins
-high-fat cookies
-chocolate
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-chips
-red meat

Medium food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-toast
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-cheese
-cookies
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-chicken
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread
-oatmeal

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-vegetables
-fruits
-low-fat yoghurt
-fish
-low-fat milk
-low-cal soups
-water
-tea (no milk, no sugar)
-coffee (black)












Status: 54.2 kg

For the very first time in my life I'm actually disappointed that my periods showed up.

Since as we all know, girls won't get their periods when they don't weigh enough.

My fever has gone down. My throat just hurts when I swallow and I can't breathe through my nose. But I think it'll get better again soon.

I'm going back to drinking water and eating light again. No excuses not to.

Besides, now we have all sorts of breakfast stuff (most of breakfast stuff is safe food). Orange juice, oranges, apples, cucumber...

And once I'm all better I can go back to my exercise routine. Now I'll just start slow and work my way up again.

Stay strong! ♥


Comments (3) | Permalink



Thursday, February 14, 2008







Fading Away Fader
Layout by: kaisap112




I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

---------------

Dear Ana:

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you all my earthly possessions.

I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog, I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me. All that's important is that you love me.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life, I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful as a payment for my undying love for you in this world.

I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Love Always, Fader.






Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.

They always say that they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Thinner is the winner.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Pain is temporary; pride is forever.








Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-ice-cream
-cake
-real butter
-candy
-cupcakes, muffins
-high-fat cookies
-chocolate
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-chips
-red meat

Medium food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-toast
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-cheese
-cookies
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-chicken
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread
-oatmeal

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-vegetables
-fruits
-low-fat yoghurt
-fish
-low-fat milk
-low-cal soups
-water
-tea (no milk, no sugar)
-coffee (black)










Status: 54.7 kg and currently sick.

Yes, I have a fever and everything solid comes right up. Might explain the weight loss.

I noticed that nearly everyone decided to update yesterday or today. I can't really comment people right now, since a headache and a laptop aren't a good combination.

Stay strong! ♥


Comments (2) | Permalink



Tuesday, February 12, 2008







Fading Away Fader
Layout by: kaisap112




I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

---------------

Dear Ana:

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you all my earthly possessions.

I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog, I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me. All that's important is that you love me.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life, I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful as a payment for my undying love for you in this world.

I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Love Always, Fader.






Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.

They always say that they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Thinner is the winner.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Pain is temporary; pride is forever.








Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-ice-cream
-cake
-real butter
-candy
-cupcakes, muffins
-high-fat cookies
-chocolate
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-chips
-red meat

Medium food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-toast
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-cheese
-cookies
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-chicken
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread
-oatmeal

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-vegetables
-fruits
-low-fat yoghurt
-fish
-low-fat milk
-low-cal soups
-water
-tea (no milk, no sugar)
-coffee (black)










Hi darlings!

I've decided to write down how much I weigh only every second day. Because during one day your weigh might go up for non-significant reasons and such and then normalize itself the next day. So it's better too. I still weigh myself every morning.

I'm going to keep my "one plate of oatmeal a day" system. I need the fiber, and vitamin B.

Now I just have to start getting calsium too. My parents won't buy me calsium pills, so I need to go with milk and yoghurt.

Starting tomorrow, I'll have a new rule. No eating after 7 PM. I can still drink though. Water is filling and healthy.

It is said that climbing up one stair burns 2 cals and going down one stair burns 1 cal. So now I have a new hobby of walking up and down all the stairs I see. I'll try not to use elevators or escalators (no idea how to spell the word, but I mean those automatically moving stairs).

Stay strong! ♥


Comments (1) | Permalink



Monday, February 11, 2008







Fading Away Fader
Layout by: kaisap112




I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

---------------

Dear Ana:

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you all my earthly possessions.

I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog, I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me. All that's important is that you love me.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life, I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful as a payment for my undying love for you in this world.

I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Love Always, Fader.






Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.

They always say that they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Thinner is the winner.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Pain is temporary; pride is forever.








Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-ice-cream
-cake
-real butter
-candy
-cupcakes, muffins
-high-fat cookies
-chocolate
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-chips
-red meat

Medium food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-toast
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-cheese
-cookies
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-chicken
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread
-oatmeal

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-vegetables
-fruits
-low-fat yoghurt
-fish
-low-fat milk
-low-cal soups
-water
-tea (no milk, no sugar)
-coffee (black)










Status: 55,6 kg

Well, small progress is still progress.

I'm going to the supermarket today, so I'll get some vegetables and fruits and all that good stuff. Maybe some cappucino too. Hopefully.

There's some low-cal candy I'm gonna try out. Most of those are actually really good!

I got some tests back, and most of them went a lot worse than I thought they did. So that really set my mood downhill.

Well, I just have to wait for the shopping. I love going to the stores, even just looking through all kinds of things. I've developed a love for bread and it's fun to find things to add on the safe food list.

It's the same with recipes, I borrow a lot of recipe books from the library and snatch those free booklets from the stores.

I shall go get some water now and start doing my homework. I have a little quizz on Friday and such, as well as an author essay to do.

Stay strong! ♥


Comments (2) | Permalink



Saturday, February 9, 2008







Fading Away Fader
Layout by: kaisap112




I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

---------------

Dear Ana:

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you all my earthly possessions.

I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog, I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me. All that's important is that you love me.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life, I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful as a payment for my undying love for you in this world.

I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Love Always, Fader.






Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.

They always say that they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Thinner is the winner.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Pain is temporary; pride is forever.








Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-ice-cream
-cake
-real butter
-candy
-cupcakes, muffins
-high-fat cookies
-chocolate
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-chips
-red meat

Medium food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-toast
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-cheese
-cookies
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-chicken
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread
-oatmeal

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-vegetables
-fruits
-low-fat yoghurt
-fish
-low-fat milk
-low-cal soups
-water
-tea (no milk, no sugar)
-coffee (black)










Status: 56 kg

I put up a weight ruler. It's the butterfly-thing right above the post-box. It shows my weight change. Neat, isn't it?

I think I'll put more thinspiring stuff on my site. Since I've got the space and all.

Today I cracked on bread. Though I shouldn't say cracked, Saturday is the binge-day. I also did my exercise.

I really need to get rid of this extra fat and get some muscle. I want to become thin and strong and beautiful. I've already got the brain, now I just need the body.

I'll have to start planning my meals in advance and make myself a schedule. A time slot for homework, workout, meals, everything.

Control and willpower are the keys.

Stay strong! ♥


Comments (1) | Permalink



Thursday, February 7, 2008







Fading Away Fader
Layout by: kaisap112




I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

---------------

Dear Ana:

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you all my earthly possessions.

I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog, I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me. All that's important is that you love me.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life, I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful as a payment for my undying love for you in this world.

I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Love Always, Fader.






Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.

They always say that they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Thinner is the winner.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Pain is temporary; pride is forever.








Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-ice-cream
-cake
-real butter
-candy
-cupcakes, muffins
-high-fat cookies
-chocolate
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-chips
-red meat

Medium food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-toast
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-cheese
-cookies
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-chicken
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread
-oatmeal

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-vegetables
-fruits
-low-fat yoghurt
-fish
-low-fat milk
-low-cal soups
-water
-tea (no milk, no sugar)
-coffee (black)










Status: less than 56 kg
Because I've eaten and drank loads of water today.

We got a new scale yesterday. A digital one in fact. And now there's no possible error in the number.

Have you (girls) ever noticed how you gain a bit weight when That Time Of The Month is getting close? Well, at least I do.

By the way, TTOTM is no excuse for munching a pound of chocolate. It won't make you feel any better.

Yesterday I got this tomato soup that has only 100 calories a portion (3 dl/10 ounces). So I'll add that and other soups on the list.

And chibi-anna-chan, over here we use water when making oat porridge or almost any porridge for that matter. So that's even less cals!

Now I shall study more German and do my exercise (and more sit-ups and push-ups).

Stay strong! ♥


Comments (1) | Permalink



Tuesday, February 5, 2008







Fading Away Fader
Layout by: kaisap112




I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

---------------

Dear Ana:

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you all my earthly possessions.

I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog, I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me. All that's important is that you love me.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life, I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful as a payment for my undying love for you in this world.

I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Love Always, Fader.






Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.

They always say that they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Thinner is the winner.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Pain is temporary; pride is forever.








Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-ice-cream
-cake
-real butter
-candy
-cupcakes, muffins
-high-fat cookies
-chocolate
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-chips
-red meat

Medium food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-toast
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-cheese
-cookies
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-chicken
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread
-oatmeal

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-vegetables
-fruits
-low-fat yoghurt
-fish
-low-fat milk
-low-cal soups
-water
-tea (no milk, no sugar)
-coffee (black)










I forgot to look up my status. Won't happen again.

But I made that list I talked about. Here it is!

Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-ice-cream
-cake
-real butter
-candy
-cupcakes
-high-fat cookies
-chocolate
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-chips
-red meat

Neutral food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-toast
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-cheese
-cookies
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-chicken
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread
-oatmeal

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-vegetables
-fruits
-low-fat yoghurt
-fish
-low-fat milk
-water
-tea
-coffee

So that's it for now. I'll update the list as it goes.

Stay strong! <3


Comments (1) | Permalink



Monday, February 4, 2008







Fading Away Fader
Layout by: kaisap112




I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

---------------

Dear Ana:

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you all my earthly possessions.

I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog, I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me. All that's important is that you love me.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life, I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful as a payment for my undying love for you in this world.

I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Love Always, Fader.






Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.

They always say that they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Thinner is the winner.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Pain is temporary; pride is forever.








Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-ice-cream
-cake
-real butter
-candy
-cupcakes, muffins
-high-fat cookies
-chocolate
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-chips
-red meat

Medium food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-toast
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-cheese
-cookies
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-chicken
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread
-oatmeal

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-vegetables
-fruits
-low-fat yoghurt
-fish
-low-fat milk
-low-cal soups
-water
-tea (no milk, no sugar)
-coffee (black)










Status: 54 kg

I can forgive myself for that.

I did some binging (I'm allowed to binge, a.k.a. eat more sweet and fattening stuff once a week).

I know what you're thinking, that I'll just gain weight for doing that. But no, I don't gain too much. Since I try to eat as little as possible during the week I can eat more on weekends when my parents are around. It drops suspicions too. So everybody wins.

Guess what my brother is doing right now.
He's stuffing himself again.
He's eaten 2 big slices of pizza, a hamburger (big, with mayonnaise) and about a carton of milk.

He should be growing muscles, not his fat-layer.
But he completely ignores that.
He justs sits in front of the computer.

Oh well. When he weighs a ton and can't get out of bed anymore, it won't be my problem.

I'm going to start diving food to safe (as much as you want), neutral (some or little, depends) and dangerous food (avoid). I'll do it with color-codes and everything. I like making charts and things like that. Makes it more fun.

My current BMI is 18.3 by the way.

I still have my daily exercise and jog/run to do...loads of studying to do too.

Have you ever watched figure skating?
Well, it's motivating to watch those girls half-flying on ice in their beautiful outfits, doing twirls and jumps, don't you think?

Stay strong!


Comments (2) | Permalink



Friday, February 1, 2008







Fading Away Fader
Layout by: kaisap112




I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

---------------

Dear Ana:

I offer you my soul, my heart and my bodily functions. I give you all my earthly possessions.

I seek your wisdom, your faith and your feather weight. I pledge to obtain the ability to float, to lower my weight to the single digits, I pledge to stare into space, to fear food, and to see obese images in the mirror. I will worship you and pledge to be a faithful servant until death does us part.

If I cheat on you and procreate with Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, the colonel or that cute little dog, I will kneel over my toilet and thrust my fingers deep in my throat and pray for your forgiveness.

Please Ana, don't give up on me. I'm so weak, I know, but only you with your strength inside me will I become a woman worthy of love and respect. I'm begging for you not to give up, I'm pleading with my shallow breathes and my pale skin. I bleed for you, suffer leg pains, headaches and fainting spells. My love for you makes me dizzy and confused I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Men run when they see the love I have for you and never return. But they aren't important to me. All that's important is that you love me.

If you stay with me, I will worship you daily, I will run miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat I will run from the pain and in fright. I will do 1,000 sit ups a day and lie to my family about what I eat and how I feel. I will stop weeping when I feel your warm arms embrace my shivering body. I will numb the hunger pains with razor blades and your strength.

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each year with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

When I'm finally faded to nothing, when you've given me the gift of ending this torturous life, I will float on to the next world and be thin and beautiful as a payment for my undying love for you in this world.

I ask only one more thing you, please Ana, remove me from this hell, from this world ASAP. Please take away this hatred for my pain and allow me to be free and light.

Love Always, Fader.






Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

When I wake, I'm empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.

They always say that they're concerned with me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Thinner is the winner.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Pain is temporary; pride is forever.








Dangerous food (good for binging, but don't over-do it):

-ice-cream
-cake
-real butter
-candy
-cupcakes, muffins
-high-fat cookies
-chocolate
-French bread
-lemonades, sodas
-sugary juice
-nuts (peanuts, cashew nut etc.), raisins
-chips
-red meat

Medium food (some or a little bit, depending on the situation):

-white food: pasta, rice, potatoes etc.
-toast
-"normal" yoghurt, fat percentage higher than 2-5%
-cheese
-cookies
-dark chocolate, in very small ammounts!
-high-calorie fruits, for example grapefruit
-chicken
-cappucino, latte
-dark/rye bread
-oatmeal

Safe food (eat as much as you like, allowed food):

-vegetables
-fruits
-low-fat yoghurt
-fish
-low-fat milk
-low-cal soups
-water
-tea (no milk, no sugar)
-coffee (black)










Status: 53,75 kg

I got down to 53,5 kg a while ago. But then I got some extra weight from fluids and cracked a few times. I had chocolate. Evil evil evil chocolate.

I had to see the counselor today. And guess what, she noticed that I've lost weight. But I got away with a smile and a little lie, no further questions asked.
Thank God.

"Good habits result from resisting temptation."

They sure do.

I'm going to start working harder. Read and study more, exercise more and make some more rules for my eating. I need to get my proteins, otherwise my muscles will look very ugly.

I'm eating oatmeal now too. Keeps me away from bread and I feel fuller.

Prettiness of the day:



Stay strong!


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