Saturday, June 30, 2007

Ambiguity
've often thought that it is a person's right , duty even to make his own destiny- to create from this earth and all of its wonder a life and a living all his own and from that to change this world (no matter to what degree) for the better. This thought naturally accompanied a "heavens be damned" attitude that perhaps only Stephen Crane would appreciate. But as the world began to that I, like the flowers and trees around me, came to a realization- an awakening of sorts. And the lord said he would make a heart of stone to a heart of flesh, and now I'm wondering if maybe he didn't mean that to apply to all human will. That even those of the most stubborn beliefs to the contrary will be gently (or in my case not so gently)persuaded to see then world as he would will it. Put bluntly it has been a great issue of personal contention. I see how (despite my best efforts) I have been turned down again and again at numerous positions in the area- and I wonder if it isn't the divine himself preventing me- guiding me rather to where I am to be this summer (or at the least leading me away from where I'm not). Truth be told, I sent a brief but humble supplication heavenward the night I left home, asking for change; time and time again my aunt urges me to accept the opportunities to change.

I have received only the slightest inclination as to what that change in myself has been thus far, but it has only been a week or so. And so Yet again, I find myself quoting the words of Shan'do "We shall see"
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Monday, June 11, 2007

   Progress!
“This you may say of man- when the theories change and crash, when schools, philosophies, when narrow dark alleys of thought, national, religious, economic, grow and disintegrate, man reaches, stumbles forward, painfully, mistakenly sometimes. Having stepped forward he may slip back, but only a half- step, never the full step back.”- John Steinbeck

Long after the trends of our time have faded away , long after myspace, youtube or Paris Hilton, there will remain mankind's tenancy (as Steinbeck so eloquently said) to live, grow, create- and grow beyond those creations. That is, if time marches on, man follows just behind keeping time, unheeded by the skeptics who would just as soon halt the entire parade for fear that the next step lead to disaster. Cowards who hide behind their fears for the future or who preach doom and destruction (or worse! Complacent idiocy)will not, cannot impede progress, and mankind as a whole will carry on- for the better. The past acts as the tools we will need to succeed; just as snapshots of where we have been remind us of the places we will happily return- or wisely avoid for trips to come. The past is a compass, by which mankind guides it's steps accordingly. It is a map, and an old, well-loved book. The present is the road we walk- brave, uncharted at places, and time-worn in others. And the future? The future is our horizon- possibility. The future is a sunrise, a blank journal, a newborn child, - offering potential, and a kind of absolute uncertainty. The future is an unblemished opportunity to avoid the mistakes of the past- to forge ahead to a brighter tomorrow. It is human to err, and so it is natural to stumble as a society, but also to continue to advance in spite of temporary faults. Current trends will not stop
the progress of mankind as a whole, for trends are transient, as are we. When one trend dies out- another often opposite begins, and so balance is maintained.


What worries me for the future is that so many of my peers would just as soon predict the apocalypse as they would examine the larger ideas concerning an optimistic future. I realize that as I type this, many of the most open-minded of our generation would just as soon condemn their peers, and subsequent generations (because of what we AMEX students deem the breakdown of our IQ's and the build-up of our nukes) but are you not all free-thinking individuals? Will you not all one day take up your lot in this world to combat the ills you would so vehemently speak to be the doom of our society? Open your eyes, and your minds as well! If there is an evil in this world (in our society) - there is as much a good that balances ( or outweighs) it! Society will continue to progress for the better, current social trends be damned, current cynicism aside, (and yes) in spite of the Bush administration! For to do so is to be human. To live is to progress, in one way or another. For “...this one quality is the foundation of Manself, and this one quality is man, distinctive in the universe.”

(I'm genuinely sorry there isn't more, my speech pretty much summed up everything I have to say on the topic)
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Friday, June 8, 2007

   Thoughts on America
Long into the nights of my youthful days before high school I lay awake in awe at the vastness of the world before me. God created no mountain whose peaks I could not one day scale- should I so aspire. Full of hope and indomitable enthusiasm I began my journey into the realm of possibilities that lie ever beyond the horizon, shimmering, intangible, yet all the same just within reach of the imagination. A junior in High school I still hold and cherish the hope I found in my earliest days, And refuse ( though many have often persuaded me) to "wake up" and "grow up" into a world that seems to discourage idealism in favor of what many see as "realistic". I have not changed, and as far as I can see ahead- do not wish to change this aspect of my life.

And yet I challenge those who would insist I do. The cynics, the "realists"- I defy you!How dare you impose negativity cloaked under the guise of “realism” on those otherwise minded?
If there is no way, no path commonly traveled available- who are you to tell us we cannot? We will make a path, as our forefathers have- taking the American pioneer spirit to an ideological frontier. One of unremitting optimism- a rejection of the common sentiment of the cheap cynicism we see in this day and age!

I have faced a great deal of adversity on this matter, challenges to my resolve in the forms of various incidents: my break-up with my long-time high school love, my incessant fights with my family, my life-long desire to achieve acceptance or die trying..etc. Yet none of that has ever allowed me to abandon my hope for a brighter future- it has not yet rid me the ability to imagine a better life for myself and my fellow Americans; I am not yet- as Hemingway said "broken" , nor have I died in pursuit of a fruitless ideal, nor will I ever.

I will live on in true rebellion to the society that we live in- that says we can't. We can't rise above the barbarism of the past? Can't create a world closer to utopia than ever before? Can't rise above the mistakes of those who have come before us? I believe that pessimism and skepticism for the future is an excuse at best for apathy; and seeing this I cannot help but feel absolute disgust. People scoff at the “communist rantings” of Karl Marx and politely wrinkle their noses in what has come to be a trendy disapproval of the current administration. They look up to the sky, and instead of smiling at the warm springtime sun- or marveling at the majesty of the local sea birds, they curse the smog and Global Warming. As a nice person with humble hopes and dreams; specifically as one person with the will to make a quiet difference in the world through kindness, I ask you fellow Americans to “imagine”. Imagine a world rid of this slow- festering disease or so-called “reality”, this pessimism that- as we speak is slowly rotting away at the American collective.

That is my sincerest hope not only for my life, but for the future of this country. That we as a nation , that we as individuals, be unafraid to foster and follow to fruition our dreams- that we may never abandon hope in doing so- for as Eleanor Roosevelt once said “ the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of dreams”
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Monday, June 4, 2007

Learn to say goodbye
Spring blooms, sprouts and life emerges from it's lethargic wintertime slumber.Ironic that such death could occur during a time of such amazing renewal. I just wanted to say goodbye. I remember everything with a warm smile now- a fond memory; I thought that I deserved as much as a decent goodbye, I was wrong I suppose.
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Thursday, May 31, 2007

Approval. I wait and long for...?
My best writing is done at night, in the quiet of my room, as the rest of the complex lies in slumber. Words come more freely to me over a caramel late and F. Scott Fitzgerald or over the prose of John Steinbeck ( whose writing I've always idolized)or during one of the all too rare moments of (often painfully achieved) personal epiphany. Tonight I rediscovered my absolute inadequacy - that is at least in my mother's eyes. Recently a younger half-cousin of mine came to spend the night in our humble apartment due to (presumably) my mother's whims. During this time my feelings on the matter were not only disregarded- but met with hostility. As the hours passed I witnessed my younger half-cousin giggle, bake and whisper long into the night with my mother- activities that even in my younger days were deemed out of the question because of my mother's demanding work schedule. This is ignoring the fact that she is scheduled to work perhaps more demanding hours now than ever before...

Which leads me to where I sit tonight.

My quiet is broken by the girlish chatter filtering through the paper thin walls separating me from my mother- symbolizing perhaps (with greater irony than could ever be imagined) the much larger gulf separating us emotionally. At a time when support (or even her tacit approval) for the person I am becoming is crucial- I receive little more than scorn at my 'childish" request for consideration, for speaking my mind.

I am to involved with my occupation of seeking acceptance; she is far too involved with fulfilling her personal desires and spurning all that would interrupt her selfish happiness- daughter included.

I only wonder after all this time why it is that I seek approval and love as I do, why it is I don't see myself as worthy unless I'm of worth to another person. I wonder why it is I measure my personal worth by any standards besides my own. Logically this is an issue that begs redress, but I can't shake the feeling that without recognition, without praise I am worthless.

Self-doubt, and this quiet disapproval I feel growing in the eyes of my "betters"- I don't understand it. Rather I do not understand my reaction to it. My mother and I live in different worlds. I need and she refuses to give- mostly I do not suffer as a result. She grew up in a different time, a different person. I dream and write- she sang, rebelled at my age; the quiet dreams I hold for the future mean little to her- they yield no results. My grades are insufficient to her standards. Standards were much less upon people her age, if that means anything- my pleas for understanding fall on deaf ears. I'm strange to her- a sushi eating, peace-loving, Japanese-speaking, trance-listening,online-gaming, politically unaffiliated day-dreaming weirdo with little more to contribute to her than the society around me. I am nothing like her, and for that I do not, will not, can not have her acceptance. I know that; and frankly, I cannot change it. I can only change my reaction to the situation- my state of mind, as it were. I realize that my only power lies in my perception and interpretation of the situation. I cannot force my mother to love or accept me. But God what I would give...
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

   The process of becomeing...what?
Long into the nights of my youthful days before high school I lay awake in awe at the vastness of the world before me. God created no mountain whose peaks I could not one day scale- should I so aspire. Full of hope and indomitable enthusiasm I began my journey into the realm of possibilities that lie ever beyond the horizon, shimmering, intangible, yet all the same just within reach of the imagination. A junior in High school I still hold and cherish the hope I found in my earliest days, And refuse ( though many have often persuaded me) to "wake up" and "grow up" into a world that seems to discourage idealism in favor of what many see as "realistic". I have not changed, and as far as I can see ahead- do not wish to change this aspect of my life.

And yet I challenge those who would insist I do. The cynics, the "realists"- I defy you!How dare you impose negativity on those otherwise minded?
If there is no way, no path commonly traveled available- who are you to tell us we cannot?! I have faced a great deal of adversity on this matter, challenges to my resolve in the forms of various incidents: my break-up with my long-time high school love, my incessant fights with my grandparents, my life-long desire to achieve acceptance or die trying my...etc. Yet none of that has ever (for an extended period of time) allowed me to completely abandon my hope for a brighter future- it has not yet rid me the ability to imagine a better life for myself and my fellow Americans; I am not yet- as Hemingway said "broken" , nor have I died in pursuit of a fruitless ideal, nor will I ever.

I will live on in true rebellion to the society that we live in- as a nice person with humble hopes and dreams; specifically as one person with the will to make a quiet difference in the world through kindness. That is my sincerest hope not only for my life, but for the future of my country.




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Saturday, May 19, 2007

Angels and indesicion
What happens to a dream differed?
Does is sag, like a heavy load...or does it explode?

(taken from a Langston Hughes poem)

It was my sincerest dream to undertake this year's American Experience class as a personal challenge- to see the AP exams as a larger metaphor for anything worth doing to my fullest,for rising to an occasion. Looking back upon both Ap exams (which were reasonable in length and difficulty) I can say I have no rational regrets, save only that my victories were quiet, my struggles unappreciated by all but one.

And at this point I question my motives- my reason for ranting. Our instructor gave his all to us, and in a moment of inspiration I gave all I could before the college board, bore my heart and soul- my passion for learning, my desire for success and appreciation. At the heart of the matter I'm not ashamed in any way, or even disappointed of the class- or even the instructor. I wish only that I could have through my own personal virtue become 'noteworthy' as he so eloquently said.

I had hoped to be seen for who I am as a person, deeper than first glance, far more sensitive than any would outwardly sense- I thought my classmates and teacher could perhaps understand this much from the level of honesty and personal revelation from my writings in the class until this point. Perhaps I just desired...acknowledgment? Acceptance? Understanding?

salvation?


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Saturday, May 5, 2007

A day to forget, a night to remember
Impending Ap exams bring out the absolute best and worst of me. The stress tends to compress my thoughts and musings into the more easily understood feelings; which are further simplified and manifested as actions- impulses, memories.

Living in the past isn't healthy, but I realize I am the person I've become who I am not by fighting my past- but growing from it.

That said this journal's intent was to cut aside the pathos for a moment to reach greater truths, and until now I have not failed this end- much.

But the memories remain- the beginning, the end...and for what? Why have we met this of all ironic end? "quite for nothing, rather gratuitously..."


or so it would seem


When next I post- "rebellion" and a clearer head- I'll hope.

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Friday, April 20, 2007

I am reborn, submerged resserected from my waking sleep, I am drowned..
the world inverts..5...4..3..2..1..And rights itself. I am becoming- submerged in a cleansing flood, baptized anew to a life entirely it's own. The clear crisp morning is upon me and I rise through it transcendent; my life no longer my own as it once was- but belonging singularly to me, alone in a moment of reflection. Time is suspended- choices hand in mid-air, cheery blossoms in the wind. marked by a sweet brevity as the brazen glow of dawn breaks- I am reborn. With one shot left I wonder if I'll make the right choice? The future is mine to take, destiny mine own to defy, create, sculpt as I (and only I) dictate fit.

I am becoming breaking living- dying in a madness
I can hope only to continue.
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Monday, February 19, 2007

Friends? Or much more?
"So are you dating?"..."no we're just friends".
But they aren't. Endless questions followed by hollow answers- Are they? no. But then again who knows? This kind of tension is almost inevitable in an opposite sex relationship, although it is oftentimes overlooked as being non existent or irrelevant.

(this is the opening to a blog regarding the movie "when harry met sally" More to come when I'm not brain dead)
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