Wednesday, October 25, 2006

One last post?

Mood: None Time: 11:18AM Quote of the Day: Sometimes your heart wants you to be alone and thats when you know you wish you could scream. Hi, how is everyone? I've missed you all a lot. You didn't know but I kept up reading on all of you, though I may not have posted everytime. I really wanted to talk to you, but I really couldn't. Heres whats been going on lately. When I left, I was having major issues with family, friends, and relationships. I was almost raped, a member of my family passed away, and I fell into a deep depression. I could not speak to anyone about this because it was just so painful and anytime I tried, my chest would catch on fire. After awhile, I traveled around and one day I ran into a lady that told me I was plagued by demons. That very night I could see them and I could feel them reach at me, into my heart. I could feel every happy emotion I felt be ripped from my body, replaced by the same icy cold ache inside of me. Everytime they came I couldn't move, I was helpless. I could just close my eyes and hope sleep would take me before the pain did. This is why I couldn't write or talk for so long. Anytime I tried... I could feel their nails in my heart, forbidding me to speak. I was bound by my sadness, and it was a very lonly time. Around this time I met a guy who took advantage of me and tried to rape me. I know I was probably suppose to tell someone but I couldn't, I just tried to avoid him. Which was hard since I worked with him. Hes gone now, which helped. I when a few months without really talking to my friends and I met another guy a few months later. he was really nice, but I think I only dated him because I was trying to fill that void in my heart and I think I push him to hard. Whats worse is I fell in love with his best friend while I was still dating him. I didn't want to hurt him but I didn't want to be with him. He didn't give me the security I needed, he couldn't understand I was consumed by demons. I was never as scared of myself as the day I broke up with him. I was emotioness. I felt at that time that I had already lost all my emotions, I was terrified, but did not do anything. This other child, Brandon, I call him a child because he is younger than me. We dated for awhile and we shared similar interests, making our time together enjoyable. I even stopped seeing the demons at night for awhile. But they came back, after I found out he had cheated on me with another boy. My soul, burned inside of me and my entire body could not bear that kind of pain. He begged my forgivness, but how can you give it to this child that brought the pain back, with even more behind. I wanted to die, that is how bad it was. Death seemed more of an option for me at that time, and I bled myself to releave even a little bit of the pain. But I think he finally got it because he helped me get rid of my demons. He taught me how to drive them away and even put his own life on the line when he tried to help me. They don't bother me much anymore. Maybe every few months or so. but their mostly staying away. Which is why it doesn't hurt as much when I try to type now or talk about this. Im sorry I've been gone so long, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to fall down again. My friends, though I am now changed and have grown-up a lot this past year, with you accept my apology for not writing or reponding. I still love you all, and I have missed you all so much. I do hope you still want to be my friend, because I know I want to be yours. Xoxoxo ~Calla~

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