Friday, November 13, 2009
My childhood dream when I was still capable of having hope in the world was being an Opera Singer. I realize it's an odd dream, but I believed that I was capable. From the time I was born, I remember singing - even if the singing was random words put together into a tune that I had just made up. My voice range is actually pretty far, and I think that if I had training, I would be able to accomplish something at least close to that. But right before I got into fifth grade, my grandmother told me that I would never make it, and that I should give-up on it then. I've never recovered from that. Even from that young, my parents and grandparents have had no faith in me or the things I've wanted to accomplish.
With that mentality growing up, I think I've turned out very well. I've gone through a lot of emotional abuse, with kids always making fun of me when I was in elementary school and people saying that I was weird in Middle school. With grandparents calling me fat because I was into a D-Cup by the time I was twelve and parents who chose their weed over me. Correction - who still choose their weed over me. And I can't say anything because they'll just deny it, saying that I'm crazy.
You know, I think that's probably the worst thing you can say to a person is that their crazy. It's dismissing them, telling them their not worth your time.
For me, I'm all about smarts. I'm really witty and I have to hold back a lot. So much in fact, I think I come off stupid. Smart enough to be in AP classes if that means anything to you.
I'm a pretty sensitive girl to be honest. I'm just really good at hiding my reactions. Like you know, someone hurts you really bad, and then I wait to fall to pieces sometime later when I'm not doing something important. I tend to act like my emotions aren't worth the time of day. It comes across as if I don't think I'm good enough for anything, and I kind of don't. My friends are far more important to me than anything else. And I think that's because those people really help me by just being there. Knowing that there is someone to turn to is enough to make me content with everything else in the world.
When you first meet me, I come off as a bitch. That's just because I'm testing you, to see what you do. It's how I determine someone's personality. If someone can then joke with me right off the bat, then we usually become really good friends.
One thing my mom has instilled in me is the right to think what I want to think. I'm very opinionated, and I will argue my opinion till then end of the world. I'm very open-minded though. I don't judge a person by what (or who, LAWL) they've done or where they've come from. I judge a person on their personality, and I can't stand people who try to hard. Some people call them "posers" but people who use that word tend to be posers themselves ;>.>
I've learned to cope with things and I usually just joke about everything. I think one day that I'll learn to heal from things in my kidhood, but it just takes time. Technically, I'm still a child, huh? I don't live to please anyone else, and I've learned that I should do whatever makes me happy. My best piece of advice for anyone who feels stuck between what other people want them to do is:
Do whatever makes you happy. Don't do anything for the money, or the fame, or because someone else wants you too. You're the person who has to live with the consequences, and why do something that isn't for you?
I don't even know what the fuck this page is supposed to be now. I don't even know if it's an about me anymore xD That's another one of my problems. I have trouble staying on topic.