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Monday, November 5, 2007

There you go, the honest truth.
Tell me where our time went
And if it was time well spent
Just dont let me fall asleep
Feeling empty again

Cause I fear I might break
And I fear I cant take it
Some night I'll lie awake
Feeling empty

I am a human being.

Despite what it might seem like, I have feelings just as well as anyone else. I am flawed, I am jealous, I am prone to misunderstanding. And not a thing anyone can say will make me change what I am feeling just because they don't understand me--or make an effort to.

I have said a thousand times that I'm a rather complex person, maybe even hypocritical in some respects. But I have never, ever purposely tried to hurt someone.

Yes, I think about it. Yes, when I'm left out of something it hurts just as it would hurt you if I did the same thing.

None of you could be me for one day. Especially on a bad day.

All I have ever asked from any of you is to just give me understanding. Meet me half way. Try to talk to me about whatever is bothering you. If you have a problem, I'll talk to you about it. But I'm not going out of my way to prove any innocence. If you think I'm lying, think it. I don't need to prove anything to you.

You aren't my mother or any devine figure, I'm not confessing any shit to you. I don't need to and I wont.

You wanna know my beef? My one problem? All I have ever tried to do is make you guys feel like you're wanted and accepted. I may joke around and I may say mean things--but I try.

I try to meet you halfway.

And all I feel like, when I'm with people who're supposed to be my best friends, is that you have no consideration for my feelings at all. I'm not gonna take that anymore. If you wanna hang out together, fucking go do it. Just let me know, so I don't wait around for a call that's not coming or try to remember things to tell you.

Okay, maybe I don't tell you when I'm going somewhere or hanging out with someone because I don't want you to be all pissed and shit. I'm giving you premission right now, to just tell me straight up.

Being honest with me is kinda nice.

Maybe it'll save me from feeling like I'm not wanted or needed by you guys. Safe me some grief and jealousy. Energy I could put into something else. Something productive that will make me happy in the end. Instead of just wondering why.

Now that I'm losing hope
And theres nothing else to show
For all of the days that were spent
carrying away from hope

Somethings I'll never know
And I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone
Feeling empty

If you think I've betrayed you or hurt you in some way. Fine. Think that way. Tell that shit to me, and I'll tell you what was going on in my head. Don't fucking assume stuff about me anymore. You don't know me. You probably don't even really want to know me that well. Not as well as you wanna know other people.

Or feel as comfortable with other people.

Because when you don't wanna hug me or touch me or show in the least that you have ever really, truly cared about me then maybe there's something wrong with me.

Scratch that.

There's something you that makes you feel wrong about me.

When you don't wanna be friends, don't be friends with me. Just leave it alone, then. I'll cry or whatever and let it go.

Somethings I'll never know
And I had to let them go
Somethings I'll never know
And I had to let them go
But I'm sitting all alone
Feeling empty

I'm done trying to make someone care about me. In any fashion, really. Be it boyfriend or girlfriend or as just someone I could consider a sister.

I guess somewhere along the way, I realized I only really need myself to love me.

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