Thursday, July 7, 2005
We only laugh to keep from screaming
Myt title's gotta be in a song somewhere, I can't come up with something that good on my own-but it fits my mood tonite.
I went camping this weekend-got sick, yeah, that's lovely. I'm just lucky my parents idea of roughing it is renting movies because the two TV's in our camper only get 2 channels. Yea, the great outdoors my butt, we sit in the air conditioning all day.
Anyway, that wasn't the worst part. Nikki is the worst part, to be exact. I actually wrote a post on Tuesday, but I accidently deleted it, which is a good thing because I said a lot of things I shouldn't've said.
She called me on the Thursday I left and the Tuesday I came back. I talked to her for three hours on Thursday (that's average for us) but it felt like I was talking to a stranger. It sucked. I don't want to go into details, but's lets just say it involves her, her bf, and him wanting to have a threesome with some other girl. And Nikki's willing, b/c "It'll make him happy." Now usually I stay out of her bf sh^t, but I freaked. Mainly b/c I THOUGHT the Nikki I knew would never even consider such a thing. (she really wasn't as much of a whore as she was made out to be-it was more of a lost little girl looking for love in any form)
Listening to Nikki now makes me want to bawl. She's like a wounded lion with the claws cut off-hurt, vunerable and scared. She's extremely depressed, smokes three packs a day, and drinks by herself. Now, in my old group of friends, drinking by yourself is a lead in to suicidal tendencies. I can hear it in her voice~I'm absolutely terrified that she's gonna commit suicide, b/c it will be partly my fault (and you can't say it's not, I'm her best friend, I should be able to do something!)
When she moved I promised myself that I was going to stay away from her for a while, stay out of her problems, b/c, frankly, she's painted herself into a corner, and even the two mastermind criminals (aka me and her) can't get her out. When I get frustrated, I bail. Not my most endearing quality, in fact, I hate myself for it, but, ya know, that's how it goes.
Now that I'm talking to her again, it feels worse. It's like she's gotten the life kicked out of her by a certain bf and now she's trying to suck the life out of me. I barely have enough life in me to get through high school.
I feel like a selfish b^tch, and I am, but the last time I got this frustrated, well, lets just say I've got the marks on my arms to prove it. I feel like I'm bailing, and I am. Nikki told Whitney that she wishes I'd call her more often. It hurts me to the core to hear that, but...frankly I've gotta look out for myself. I tried looking out for Nikki to, but that's a full time job, I can't save her, I can't save everyone,
WHy do I let myself get so worked up over this crap!! Nikki has changed, so have I. If we met right now for the first time I'd hate her because she's such a doormat. (and she'd probably hate me because I'm an idiot, but she's always hated me for that) I'm torn between keeping a false friendship to keep her happy while I suffer, or try to just ignore her and watch her fade away.
Now I'm stuck in a corner. How did that happen!
Anyway, happy birthday USA, keep smiling, eventually things'll all work out...
~actually, now that I've vented I feel better.~ :)