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• texhnolyze23
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• 1989-10-23
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Female
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• keep portland weird!
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• 2004-08-02
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• irresponsible semi-adult
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• Julie
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• graduating high school with honors, speak/write/read fair Japanese, travel
Anime Fan Since
• 5th grade~ish
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• となりのトトロ (Totoro), Howl's Moving Castle, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Perfect Blue, and Akira.
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• save the rainforest, of course
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• music, sleeping, reading, writing, drawing, walking, animals
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• i'm good with animals
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Sunday, November 23, 2008
i'm done
Goddamn i fucking hate feeling like this. i feel like shit. not sick, but as in a bad person.
but dammit, i feel awful. and sad. depressed. worst feeling ever. it makes me so slow and tired and dead.
i'm thinking of breaking up with antonio. not just for my sake; it's not that I particularly want to break up with him. I still love him, very much. it's just, i know where we're headed. i have things that i want to do, that i don't think he does.
and i'm so far away, it's hard. it isn't fair of me to expect him to wait around for me, and i can tell he's worn down too. i want to tell him soon, before i lose my nerve, but i don't want to never see him again, either. maybe if i still feel the same way over winter break, i will talk to him.
i don't know. it's really sad. it hurts me, but i can't keep trying to make everyone happy. i can't make myself happy, and i can't make him happy, i don't want to be with anyone else, but this just plain isn't working.
if he doesn't want to break up, if he wants to try harder, then we will keep trying. but i'm worn out by always pretending to be cheerful, and trying so hard to be happy, and constantly feeling like i'm failing.
like he says, it isn't always about me. but what the fuck else am i supposed to talk about, when he won't EVER talk about himself. i know he's depressed and i am scared to death of hurting him. but in the long run, it'll probably be better this way.
i don't know. we probably won't break up. but for now, i am so stressed about school and shit, i don't have time to play any games. he never has anything to say to me, he never calls me, he never texts me first, none of it. so i'm going to wait until i feel better or he wants to talk to me.
not with just antonio, but everyone, i get so goddamn fucking tired of being the one to reach out and being rejected. so fucking tired of it. so fuck it. to my sister, my dad, my best friend, antonio, any of them, right now, fuck it. i am too worn out to give a shit.
...okay that is a big fucking lie but i'm so tired of being rejected and hurt that i want to believe it.thank you!
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