Saturday, March 8, 2008

   I'm losing my grip
I really think I am. I'm spiraling. what's wrong with me?!?! I cry for nothing, I have no backbone, and I'm getting annoyed. But I can tell you one thing:

I fucking HATE to be manipulated. And looked down upon. As previously mentioned, I basically loathe myself. But, at the same time, I don't want to be seen as inferior. I am ever a victim of my own blatant inferiority, even if it's just in my mind. I don't want to be superior. I want to be equal. And to not hate myself.

I feel like I've been manipulated by most of the people I know at one point or another. And like I'm losing control of myself.

This song describes how I feel. The truest parts are italicized

Getting Smaller by NIN

Getting a little erratic here
And I don't know who to trust
I guess they got a way of reading my mind
I guess I got to adjust
I've got my arms that flip flop flip flop flip
I got my head on spring
Well I thought I got you on my side
I haven't got fucking anything

I'm just a face in the crowd
Nothing to worry about
Not even trying to stand out
I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller
And I got nothing to say
It's all been taken away
I just behave and obey
I'm afraid I am starting to fade away

Uh huh
I kind of see through the cracks when I press up on the wall
I'm not looking to stand up real high, I'd be happy to crawl
I think I'm losing my grip, but I can still make a fist
You know I still got my one good arm that I can beat
I can beat myself up with

Hey, and for what it was worth
I really used to believe
That maybe there's some great thing
That we could achieve
And now I can't tell the difference
Or know what to feel
Between what I've been trying so hard to see
And what appears to be real

My world is getting smaller everyday
Hey hey hey hey, and that's okay

....

sorry for that. I'm just not happy right now. Infuriated and bitter. What happened was, at dinner, Zac was sitting with us, and I was teasing TJ about hippies. You know "hippies are lazy stoners." whatever. I was NOT serious.

Zac looks at me, after being all quiet and like he's probably annoyed with me anyway, and says, "Well what about all the great speaches and songs and art ever made by hippies?" in that 'what are you, stupid' voice people can get.

I said, "well those aren't the hippies I mean." and he just keeps digging into me about hippies and how I'm wrong. Chris kind of argued in my defense and TJ didn't say anything. I was left speechless. looked incredibly STUPID.

there was a point i just layed down and said "don't look at me"

then i came up to my room and started CRYING i fucking hate looking stupid. fucking hate it.thank you!
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