Monday, June 5, 2006

another borish day at the house of chibi
yeah, nothin special today...mowed the lawn, threw more cards, visited sites ect...the only interseting thing to happen off of the net was me going for another babysitting job. i went from like 6:15 to 10 or so. they were kinda hyper, but for the most part they were good. i tried to do some homework while i was there...didnt work out so well! but hey, i got $20 and a free burger, fries and drink out of it! yup...on the magic 8-ball...WHO THE HELL ASKED "IS CHIBI-san GAY"?!?!?!!?! grrrr....what really creeepy is that the 8-ball said "outlook good" THAT PISSED ME OFF...lol....wow, thats the first time in freakin forever ive used "lol"! I WANT A YEARBOOK!!! my parent are totally f***ing broke and i only got $20!!! *sob* i feel so left out! oh welll....i never get a yearbook! there are 50 left as of last friday and its first come first serve! GODAMMIT! some things are justout our hands, right? THAT DOESNT MEAN IM ACCEPTING IT!! F***ING A! *kicks random objects* god, that pisses me off! ok, unless its something deeply profound, NO ONE TALK ABOUT IT!!! i hate just hearing "sucks about *blank*" whenever i am upset about it! i know its all you can do, but still! im not a the most rational person on the face of the planet! well, i better get to bed, finals tomorrow...DAMN YOU SCHOOL!!!!! (dont worry, i may be crazy, but im not homocidal agaisnt the school and everyone in it) just 3 days left and ythey are half days! but the weather is taunting me!! can i make it? tires have been known to blow out on the last leg of the last lap before! ive got engineering and global perspectives tomorow...again i say F**ING A! i dont know if i can do it! where am i supposed to write the pnone numbers of my friends of not a yearbook?! how am i supposed to remeber them and have them rember me if we cant stay in touch over the summer!! AND HOW AM SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE THIS SUMMER WITHOUT HAVING A CAR, JOB, FRIENDS WHO HAVE CARS, OR SOME EXCUSE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT THE REST OF MY FAMILY?!?!?! i swear, either me, my brother,or my sister are going to be dead this summer. either i'll kill em, they'll kill eachother, i'll kill myself, or my parents will kill all 3 of us! (not serious about killing myself, i hope you all have enough sense to know that!) im havong more anxiety about starting summer than i did about starting highschool! WTF?!?! everything just seems so out of whack! is this what it is to be a teenager? im kinda new at this, i stayed a kid till i was like 14 and a half. is it always like this?! DOES IT GET WORSE?!?!?! god, i dont know if i will survive till the end of the week... tensions are running high at school, at home, with myself and you can feel it in the general population! i cant handle being in the real world if this is jsut a taste of the stress! by the time this is all over, im gonna have a f***ing nervous breakdown! im broke my parent are broke, my nerves and patience with everythng is totally spent! im even left with only 2 hours of anime a week! DAMN IT ALL!!! im jsut so burnt out on everthing and im only 15! god, i need something! anything! a path way for the stress to go, whether its an agression release or just a relaxation technique! im sick of worrying about schoolwork, of what ppl think of me, of how to deal with my family! of when i can get things i want or need by how much we happen to eat that month! ppl think im rich because i have a trampoline, cable, and buy my luch most of time, but im not! my family is running on an empty tank of gas here! picking up a gallon overy thirty miles or so and using 1.1 gallons! the worsty part is, I CANT DO JACK SHIT ABOUT IT!!! i cant pay my own way, i cant help them, i cant get my brother and sister to help out and i I CANT STOP THE ANXIETY CONASTANTLY GOING ON IN MY HEAD! i give off this imression of happy go luck all the time and i cant stp that either! im sick of wearing a smiling mask, but i can take it off! i act like an idiot to garter attention thru laughter and it works, but sometimes it works too well! i cant tell if they are laughing with me or at me! sometimes i am happy or in a good mood or just plain funny, but other times i try! ive had ppl say "why do you smile so much" i dont know how to answer! im certainly not always happy, but its something ive been accustomed to doing, like a mask the feels weird when you take it off! i cant help it, its just something i do! no way am i genuinly happy, im always worrying about something or fighting battle in my head "is this right, or do i go the other way" "why even bother?" "why am i thinking about it" and most often im just so damn mentally exausted! im tied of it, but theres nothing i can do with the state of things! everythng has a price, evn just good advice! i cant get into anything i want to do cause i cant afford it! untll now i poured my life into school and church. i was student and a mormon, that was my identity. now im finding that school is so frustrating and im no longwer mormon, so waht am i now? im not an athelete, im not a super brain, there nothing to make ppl notice me! i dont want to be invisible! all the shit the world dishes out is just too much! its just plain hard! i can find anything to do about it inside me either! its not so life and death that i can call upon some inexplicable force to pull me thru! so im stuck! someone tell me what to do, where to go, wher to look, something! who the f*** am i anyways and what the point of it all?! gos, im jsut so sick of it all...but i have no chopice but to keep moving forward...its all i can do...its all i know how to do...
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