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Sunday, February 17, 2008

Just Call Me Haruhi
I had a little revelation yesterday. I guess I've been thinking about it for a while but I just figured out what it was that has been bothering me all this time.

I am dissatisfied with my life.

That's a pretty--what would you call it?--whiny thing to say but I feel it's true enough. I guess I started thinking about it a few weeks ago when we went to the library for a lit assignment. We're suppose to be reading books from certain authors. I couldn't find a book that looked interesting and ended up being one of the last people to find something to read. My teacher asked me what kind of books I liked. I said, "I don't like slice-of-life books. They bore me." Lucky me that's about all that those authors write. I'm going just about crazy reading this book that I finally picked by the way.

Then a few days ago I realized that the food I was eating for dinner was wholly unsatisfying. It feels like I've been eating the same thing for weeks. Maybe I have; I can't remember.

Not even my old hobbies are holding my interest anymore. I'm just bored all the time, even though there is plenty of things I could be and should be doing.

Even the air I breathe is unstimulating. I have to step outside to actually feel satisfied in breathing.

I feel like Haruhi from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. I'm utterly bored with life. Granted, I'm not that crazy. It's a little strange, to realize that nothing is interesting anymore.

I get restless easily. I want to do something but I don't know what. I feel really static. Maybe it's because I've been the same person for so long, only making small minor adjustments in personality. Maybe I'm on the brink of some huge personality change. I don't know. There's a part of me, a large part, that wants to change everything. Change my hobbies, what I wear, who I talk to and who I hang out with, what kind of music I listen to, what kind of books I read. But then there's that part of me that wants to cling to the way I am and have been. To be honest, I'm a little scared.

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