Thursday, October 4, 2007

   Yea I'll be talking about this subject for a few days.

I left my poems at school. Of course when I say it'll be fine to leave them I need them.. Maybe I'll get them tomorrow. I want to put up a poem I wrote called 'Nostalgia' It pretty much explains what I'm going through. Since I don't feel like saying everything. But yea, basically, my heart needs a band-aid. A lanky sexy band-aid that doesnt want me anymore. Haha. I shouldn't laugh. +++++++ I know it says I'm gay up there, but I like guys a teeny bit. But I'm starting to loathe the label bisexual because people assume I'm a slut. I KNOW I SHOULDN'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK. Idk.. I'm just so.. fucking.. confused. Right now my sexuality is nothing. I am not at all up to a relationship I am not ready to trust someone. It took me an incredibly long time to learn to trust my ex.. U know this Jenny. And now that it has been shattered, I don't feel like I could trust anyone anymore. I hate this. I love you Donovan. I love you so much. Or I loved who I thought you were. We were amazing in April and May... but it like.. died. For me too. I felt the difference when we got together. It wasn't the same, wasn't as exciting. Or as he said, theres no more 'spark'. [im crying now godammit.fuck.] But I kept telling myself that I loved him, I didn't want to break up with him because I didn't want to hurt him. So I like made myself fall deeper in love with him. But I didn't feel it when we were together. Just when I daydreamed about him or thought about how great he is. But I don't know why I still love him. Oh God I love him so much I don't understand this. I'm wondering if we did get back together, and we saw eachother, if it would be the same. If I would feel as passionately about him as I do when I'm thinking about him. Or if I would just feel numb. Like he's some guy just kissing me. It was just so strong in the beginning. I wish it could've lasted. ++++++++ He was really nice about it, though. I had been asking him some rather harsh questions, forcing him to be brutally honest. They hurt me and all but I just want answers. I'm going to talk to him again tonight, if he responds to my texts.. I hope he does because I need to say goodbye. I'm one of those people who needs closure, to know things are final and leave it at the last words that were said. I'm gonna say I love you one last time and wish him the best. And it's his call if he wants to see me again. ++++++++ I can't eat. I feel like throwing up. I ate breakfast yesterday, and I had 2 applesauce cups today. But that's it. I just can't. What's wrong with me? I'm so pathetic. I'm supposed to be strong. But I'm scared.

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