Saturday, March 21, 2009

   Stupid Escapades- Another Fallen Dead:
Stupid Escapades- Another Fallen Dead:

"If I told the world I hadn't any longer they'd think I'd die. The way things are, are the way things are suppose to be. Stale and concerned over stupid things. It really doesn't matter anymore; maybe I just want some damn attention- probably that pathetic. Even while having a good time, still feel an undertone of sad- sometimes disappointment too. Should get some help, or meds. But that's not going to happen; not that it ever was... Guilty for living, slight suffering commences when I lay awake at night. Sounds tiresome 'cause it is. Things barely change; and all I do is complain... but despite all that, there's still hope if anything else doesn't hold up; it'll be hope that does....... Okay dokey- grownin' old, still want to try and be the best person possible, with being screwed up in the head and all. Excuses barely pass as an logical explanation for immaturity. Got lots more years, and it ain't gonna be easy- people will lose touch- but that don't matter; suppose to grow outside and extend your horizons, and whatnot. People seem to keep dieing like leaves fallin' off a tree in the fall. Heaven's a magical place of wonderful, blissful, eternity- I bet I won't go there like this; or at all. Rotten, ungrateful, brat- don't mind me and my escapades. Emotions are stupid; and so am I."

R.K.~PinkKitty1
3/21/09
(7:43 P.M.)
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Thursday, March 5, 2009

   In A Way I Do:
In A Way I Do:

"Hate my parents; I mean, they're the authority- teens hate that. But there's no trust, I feel it's never been given to me, and all too often, I've been told they don't trust me. Over this school year, and actually to my face. It's hard to know the truth; but we've never really communicated anyway... I just shrug it off, and they make their complaints more than apparent when talking to me. "Your mother makes me seem like the bad guy." "Your father's a man, all men are like that- just like babies, wanting everything possible done for them; remember that when deciding who/if you marry." "You don't try, Rene*, you never really have- and when you don't pass classes, and fail to graduate high school/college- you're not living with me 'til you're 32." I feel this intense angst when the topic 'love' comes up. Makes me a little sick, and feel twisted as a human being, when asked if I wanted somebody, and possibly even kids in the future. I feel uneasy- there's nobody out there for me; not even if I tried. I can't feel comfortable with that idea. There's too many people. We don't need to produce at the rate we are now. People having too many babies to feed in unstable/nonexistent relationships. [You know what I mean, like the show 'Maury'.] ...The whole world seems hopeless when I start to think like that; I'm scared to live, just as much as I'm scared to die. Putting effort in something makes it too easy to fail; and having pride in something makes it too easy to get hurt with negative comments... It's all too mellow, the way I live. I know there are sooo many people out there with much, much worse things to worry about- even if half of them brought it upon themselves. ...When I walk my best friend, her short way home, I realize that these blissful days will be soon coming to an end. She means more to me than anyone, to a point where I can't even comprehend. If I were to be living this way without her, I'd hurt all over; she's my living smile- even when her own life's anything but perfect. I hope she achieves all her dreams, becomes a vet, meets a wonderful man, marries him, and has a good sized family; plus gets to travel some too... or whatever else she wants out of life. But me, I don't even know who I am; and I have no trust or faith in anyone- not even me. This is where I stand, but will I ever move- or will I only falter and fall?......."

R.K.~PinkKitty1
3/5/09
(8:59 P.M.)
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Thursday, February 12, 2009

   No Trust Here:
No Trust Here:

"So paranoid.

No trust.

In anyone.

Anymore.

Ever again?"

R.K.~PinkKitty1
2/12/09
(12:35 A.M.)
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Saturday, December 27, 2008

"I don't want to live anymore...
and I never truly will;
until I leave this hellhole."


It felt like I had taken a step forward, and now I've taken two steps back- I'm not getting anywhere! My mom pulled some of the same shit she used to do, back in the day, and even beyond that, and it really got to me; I mean REALLLY got to me. ...I may be saying this out of spite; but I'm upset, and royally PISSED (to tears).

I can't wait 'til I get out of 'Gay Shitty' and move the fuck out of here for the rest of my life! Nobody knows how much I hold back, on what I want to say. Nobody knows how hard I try to be nice; and make it my 'second nature'! So fuck this place, and all the assholes in it. I'm gonna get outta here; and shine threw- I won't kill myself, no matter how horrible, rotten, and bitter I feel. I'll remember the good times first, but know, they'll be swallowed up with bad memories aswell.......

R.K.~ PinkKitty1 12/27/08 (5:11 P.M.)
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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

   It's been a long time...:
since I wrote an actual 'heart-filled' journal entry.

It's not that I don't want to; it's just I don't care anymore. I don't take the time to 'think out' my feelings- that seems worthless to me- as of these current days. And when I look back and read old stuff, I can always find repeating themes (particularly when those journal entries are close in time period); and I usually find that annoying. ...So, I guess I'm just an ass; I guess I'm now a jerk. I used to be an 'angel', and now I couldn't give a f*ck.

But, ...Sometimes, you just gotta let things go- it's about time I made new memories to keep and collect in 'my past'. I'm a Senior now, and when I started to 'learn about myself, for myself' I was about to be a Sophomore- that sh*ts over now- I gotta try in the present.

Now, I'm not saying, "I'll never care again." I'm just saying, "I'm not that old PinkKitty1 anymore...", and I never will be, again.



R.K.~ PinkKitty1 12/2/08 (1:22 A.M.)
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